Off Season Midterm Grades: The Winners

Read: "Winner"+ Boston accent.

Last week, Batman and Robin helped tell you about the losers of the off season thus far. This week... Well, this week the only person I could book was this kid. No problem, though. It's ok because he's a winner. And everyone likes a winner. The following hockey teams are, in their own right, also winners thus far this summer.

Honorable Mention: Washington Capitals
It's hard to leave this team out. Adding Nicklas Backstrom to the lineup, and making some key free agent signings has sent the team in the right direction. The Caps added Victor Kozlov (dynamite offensively when he wants to be), Tom Poti (might as well be a forward) and Michael Nylander. Personally, I'm not going to be holding my breath. I can't see these additions putting this 14th place team over the top. Karl Alzner is a great pick up in the draft, but his impact likely won't be felt right away.

5. Chicago Blackhawks - I know this pick might surprise some, but if you look at the off season as a whole (not just free agency) the Hawks jump over the Captials thanks to Patrick Kane. That's not to say that the Caps had a bad draft -- far from it. The fact is though, it's tough to top #1. The Hawks lost Aucoin and Handzus, which may look bad on paper, but neither of them had a large impact on the team during their stay in the Windy City (thanks to injuries). Samsonov isn't much of an addition. Obviously. That being said, snagging Robert Lang is a big plus, throw in Yanic Perrault, and rumors that Kane will be ready to join the team this season, the Hawks are looking very solid down the middle. Hopefully, Andrei Zyuzin can help fill some holes on defense, and things are looking up for Chicago. Like I said, it's tough to say that this team improved more than the Caps. The difference is all signs point to Kane having an immediate impact to put them over the top.

4. Colorado Avalanche - This one is a no brainer. The Avs have a ton of young stars on the team, and all they did this off season was bring in a few current stars to put them over the top. I'm calling it already, the Avs will be in the top six out West this season. Many people say they overpaid for Scott Hannan, and that may be true, but let's be realistic; the guy can still play. We're not talking about Janne Niinimaa here. Add Smyth to the mix, and off a sudden these guys are looking scary. Imagine a Smyth - Sakic - Hedjuk top line. Pretty sweet, huh? Yes, Sakic is getting old, but at age 37 the guy had 100 points last season. 100! That's his biggest output since 2000-01.

3. New York Rangers - This one isn't hard to explain. The Rangers made a huge splash in the free agent market and had the biggest draft day steal since the Islanders sent Luongo and Jokinen to Florida for Parrish and Kvasha in 2000. Let's be realistic here, transfer agreement or not, if Alexei Cherepanov wants to play in the NHL, Alexei Cherepanov will play in the NHL. We're talking almost 20 years since Fedorov and Bure (among others) snuck out of the USSR, and nothing has changed. If a Russian wants to play in the NHL, they are going to play in the NHL (see: Evgeni Malkin). Adding Chris Drury and Scott Gomez to a team that had a stellar 2006-07 campaign may have just put the Rangers over the top to go deep into the playoffs... That is, if they can sure up their defense.

2. St. Louis Blues - It's hard to top the Rangers, but I believe the Blues did just that. Let's start with the draft. Not one, not two, but three first round draft picks. Adding Paul Kariya and Keith Tkachuk is about on par with adding Gomez and Drury. Although the Rangers additions were much younger, the Blues' pair has more offensive upside. Pick your poison. The best part though, is that the Blues got Tkachuk and then some. If you remember, he was traded to Atlanta at the deadline and then traded back to St. Louis on June 26. Through these two trades, the Blues essentially received Glen Metropolit and three draft picks from the Thrashers for parting with Tkachuk for a couple of months. The Blues also added Hannu Toivonen, and this may be a long shot, but if he turns into the goalie he's supposed to be, the Blues are going to be a much improved team.

1. Philadelphia Flyers - Ladies and gentlemen, at the midpoint the Flyers are your leader. They threw the house at Daniel Briere, but we're not here to debate whether or not the contract is a good one. We're here to debate how much Briere and their other additions will help the team this coming season. Briere is a dynamite offensive talent is instantly the #1 scoring threat on the team, although I'm sure Simon Gagne is going to have something to say about that. The team traded away a first round pick, but got Kimmo Timonen and Scott Hartnell in return. Both are very solid players and Timonen is a hell of a defender. He had 50 points in Nashville last season, and still had a +20 rating. They are not stars like Briere, but they are going to make significant contributions this season. The team also added Jason Smith, the captain of the Edmonton Oilers and Joffrey Lupul, a talented youngster who is coming off a down year. This might just be a case of taking quantity over quality, but the Flyers seriously bulked up their roster this off season. And, oh yeah, they also had the #2 pick.

Bryan Burke and Kevin Lowe Are Like So Totally Not Talking Right Now

"Oh my gawd, Kevin Lowe is soooo dreamy." HockeyTalk.biz

On Friday, Anaheim GM Brian Burke spouted off in a media conference call regarding the offer sheet made by the Edmonton Oilers to Dustin Penner. Anyone who read the release is sure to have realized that Burke pulled no punches, and is a little contradictory (I mean, Burke claims to have no problem with offer sheets, then cries foul about the offer to Penner). Today, I'll try and translate General Manager-ese, to provide you with further insight and help read between the lines of Burke's statements.

First, a little foreplay.

Offer sheets are a part of the CBA, a part of the NHL, and in the short term, they are here to stay. Do GMs like them? If you ask Buffalo's Darcy Regier and Anaheim's Burke, no. Not at all. In fact, apparently it's a backhanded move to make one. That's too bad, because these guys just come off looking like a bunch of babies. They really need to grow up a little. Whether or not you agree with Lowe's actions, you have to admire the guy for doing whatever is necessary to improve his team (whether Penner for a load of draft picks is actually improvement is another story). It's like parking tickets. Yeah, everyone hates them, but as long as they're part of the law, you're going to have to live with them, like it or not. Don't like em? Try and get the law changed. I don't remember hearing a lot of bellyaching from owners about offer sheets after the new CBA came into effect. Do you?

"I will not be announcing whether or not we will match the offer sheet to Dustin Penner. I’m coming back to Anaheim on Sunday and conferring with ownership."

Translated: Remember when I said I would match any offer for Penner? Yeah... About that.

"I have no problem with offer sheets, they are part of the CBA... I think it's a tool certainly a team is entitled to use. My issue here is this is the second time this year in my opinion Edmonton have offered a grossly inflated salary for a player, and it impacts on all 30 teams and I think it's an act of desperation by a general manager who is fighting to keep his job."

Translated: I don't wanna look like a mook for complaining about offer sheets. After all, we let them be a part of the CBA. But I'm friggin' pissed. I mean why the Ducks? Why us? Couldn't you have made an offer sheet to, and I'm just being imaginative here, Zach Parise? Kevin Lowe's an ass. We're not friends anymore! Oh, and you know what Kevin? You're a shitty GM! There. I said it. Jeez, I've been holding that in for SO LONG.

"I was not notified of this until an agent faxed it into us. I thought Kevin would have called me and told me it was coming. I thought that was gutless."

Translated: How dare you not call! You're such a jerk! OHMYGAWD, I am like so totally never talking to you again. I am like soooooooo pissed!

"Kevin Lowe has been in Penticton this week. Tonight is the induction ceremony for the B.C. Hockey Hall of Fame and I certainly think this could have waited until Monday. I don't think it shows a lot of respect for the B.C. Hockey Hall of Fame."

Translated: They're pissed too and I'm gonna start shit! You are never allowed in the B.C. Hall of Fame again Kevin Lowe! You hear me?? NEVER!!

"It should be pretty clear why I'm irate."

Translated: The B.C. Hockey Hall of Fame!! The Mothafuckin B.C. Hockey Hall of Fame!! Why doesn't anyone ever think about the B.C. HHoF and their feelings?! HUH?! Just because it's not the NHL HHoF doesn't mean they don't have feelings!!

"He's not obligated to [notify me of the offer beforehand]. I would have done this differently, but then again I wouldn't have done this. I think some guys would have done it that way, yes."

Translated: I mean, we all jerk off. But to admit to it publicly in front of the whole school? Who does that? Seriously. Not cool... Do I think some guys let it go in the shower? Yes. Yes I do. But that can get messy. I wouldn't have done it that way, if, you know, I did it.

"I can't read his mind, especially when he hasn't called me. Call Kevin and ask him."

Translated: He said he loved me and he'd call me again! It's been three months and he still hasn't called me! I don't know what to do anymore. I'm a complete mess. Where is my Ben and Jerry's?? *runs off sobbing*

Sources: TSN, Anaheim Ducks

Taking Internet Abuse to a Whole New Level

Why write about hockey, when you can write about someone who writes about hockey? Screenshot

I stumbled upon an interesting blog today, and let me tell you, it's blowing my mind. I don't mean the posts are the most brilliant things I've ever read -- not quite. What I'm talking about is that the idea behind the darned thing is that crazy.

You know when you hear about a new invention and are so amazed by the sheer idea of it? Not necessarily that it's so awesome, but that you can't conceive how someone even though it up. This is one of those times. It seems like the next logical step in the evolution of blogging, and it might just be a whole lot of fun, too.

First, you had the internet. Then, we were given blogs and more specifically, sports blogs. As if that wasn't enough, we were handed Deadspin and the plethora of spin off blogs it created. After a few years of all this, you thought people were just flat out of ideas for blog themes. Unbelievably, (although I guess it's pretty believable) people are coming up with new, ridiculously amusing blogs everyday. There's Cakes and Babies, which gives you exactly what the name states. Nothing more, nothing less. Recently, LOL Jocks was birthed, taking lolcats to the sports world. Today, I present to you Peklund the Phoney Hockey Blogger.

The name doesn't quite describe what you can find inside, so let me explain. Essentially, it's a blog whose sole purpose is to do a complete hack job on Eklund, the guy who posts all those rumors over on Hockey Buzz. I kid you not. The sole purpose of the blog is to ridicule this guy. And just when you thought mankind had done all there is to do, and the evolution of blogging could not go any further, we find a way to reinvent ourselves.

Granted, blogs do hack jobs on people all day, BMR included. It's really quite the norm and is one of the easiest ways to spark interest in your blog. To actually dedicate your entire blog to ridiculing a specific person, one who isn't even famous within pop culture, and update daily, is impressive beyond description.

Kudos to PPHB. Although we might not all agree with their views or desire to do such a deed, you still have to admire them for having the watermelon-sized cajones to do it. That's why I salute you, PPHB.

Now who is going to be the one to start a blog bashing these guys? It's only fair.

Reason to Live Until Next Season #2

The summer months can be long, hot and boring. In hockey terms -- the summer sucks. Beach season is great and all, but it's also a reminder that hockey is still far, far away. Hockey fans, this summer, please try and keep your sanity. To help you survive the long summer months, I'll be taking the time to remind you of the reasons why it's a good idea to make sure you live to see next season. Please, don't do anything rash this summer.

Reason to Live #2: The "He Did What?!" Goals

These goals cross all cultural and lingual boundaries. It doesn't matter if you're rooting for these players or if you've never seen them play before. It doesn't matter if you understand what the announcers saying, or if you don't. Whether you're from Sweden, Vancouver or anywhere in between, as long as you speak the language of hockey, these are the kind of goals that will make your jaw drop.

These goals are what highlight reels are made of and they're the reason Sportscentre exists (the Canadian one). Every year, we're treated to tons of unbelievable goals. But these goals? These are special goals. They are the ones that show your friggin' grandpa something he's never seen before. When Bobby Orr flies towards the ice face first after scoring, or Alex Ovechkin scores on his back from zero angle, these moments are created and etched in our memories for years to come. They are the reason why you watch highlight reels in the first place.

The following, are some of the best from the 2006-07 season.

December 7, 2006 - Sidney Crosby > the New York Rangers


January 7, 2007 - Martin St. Louis does not like skating forwards.


Feburary 14, 2007 - This isn't a no look pass. This is Henrik Zetterberg's sixth sense.

JR Wants to Remind You Who is in Charge

P.S.
Sorry for mailing it in like this, but it is Friday. I'll see you all tomorrow afternoon with (gasp) actual analysis.

Kevin Lowe, Trying to Piss Off More People

Lowe seems hell bent on making a big signing. Darryl Dyck/Edmonton Sun

Oilers GM Kevin Lowe is at it again. After failing to sign RFA Thomas Vanek a few weeks ago, he's made another offer to a RFA. This time, it's Anaheim's Dustin Penner. Chances are, that's bound to piss off a few people around the NHL, just like it did last time.

In case anyone needs a reminder, what Lowe is doing is perfectly within the rules of the CBA. It may be against some moronic unwritten rule in a few front offices, but there's nothing in the books against it. It's running up the score late in a game. There's no rule against it, but you're probably going to get someone's panties in a wad along the way.

TSN is reporting that the deal being offered to Penner is for 5 years at $21.25 million. The Ducks have a week to match the offer, and if they do, it'll be interesting to see who Lowe's next target is. By making a run at Penner, it's clear that Lowe has every intention of making a serious play in the RFA market.

Today's News Told in Pictures Cause Words Suck

Eric Staal was arrested...


and Patrick Kane signed with the Hawks...


And lest we not forget LOL Jocks for the inspiration...

In Case You Forgot, Hockey Players Can Get Arrested, Too

Eric Staal needs a nickname. How about Whitey? Yes. Whitey will do. Jatkoaika.com

It's about time. That's the only way I can sum this up.

Here's a big thank you to both Eric and Jordan Staal, who have proven that hockey players are indeed, athletes.

I bet you were like me, and were beginning to think that it was not even possible. Hockey players getting arrested? No way! Before today, I think we were all pretty certain that there would be at least 10 more Pacman Jones arrests and a handful more exposés on corrupt referees before an NHL player got into trouble.

As we all know, you can't really call yourself a sport until some one gets arrested (or in the case of baseball, everyone does drugs and looks the other way), and now we can safely say that hockey is a sport. We've known for a while that the NBA, NFL and MLB were true sports. Their millionaires have dog fights, beat the crap out of their own fans, and shoot themselves in the butt. Hockey players? Until now, everyone thought they were the sporting world's version of those really straight edge kids you knew in high school. Serious hockey fans did not have any doubt as to their sport's inclusion in this illustrious group. Starting today, the general public can feel the same way.

Thank you, Staal brothers. You did what we though no other Caucasian, Canadian, hockey loving males could do. Granted, disorderly conduct on the side of a highway isn't the effort we were hoping for, but it's a start. From here, you can work your way up to beating up people while you're drunk and some kick ass night club scuffles. Maybe someday, you can reach the higher levels of athlete trouble makers, like those who get in gun fights at night clubs or, dare I say, start your own underground dog fighting league. Although, maybe your idea of fun would be to simply have the dogs beat each other with hockey sticks. That really does sound entertaining, and who knows, it would probably get better ratings than the NHL.

If you need the full scoop on what happened, the News and Observer (Raleigh, NC) can fill you in. I thought the following paragraphs were especially amusing;

"After leaving the property, the group gathered on Highway 61 and began harassing passing motorists," the Sheriff's office said, at which point 14 members of the group were arrested at approximately 4 a.m.

"I have no doubt there were probably a couple kids lipping off or something like that," Curran [Eric Staal's agent] said. "Frankly, that goes with the territory. You get that many a group of kids together, somebody is going to say something stupid."

God damn. There were kids lipping off?! Shit. Get those assholes in jail right this minute. We can't have any of that around these parts now can we?

Like I said guys, this could be a stepping stone for the entire sport. After all, the value of a league is determined by how many arrests it's athletes can amass in a given year.

UPDATE: The FanHouse has their hands on the press release from the sheriff's department. The highlight? The cops threatened the gang with deportation. Sweet!

It's About Time They Got Theirs

Islander fans have been too cocky for too long. All their success has gone to their heads, and it's high time someone put them in their place. Wait... Shit. My bad.

I hope all the Ranger fans out there are happy now after that elbow to the face they took on Sunday.

Off Season Midterm Grades: The Losers

"Is the guy...?" "Is the bear...?" Art.com

Robin: Jumpin' Jehovah's Witnesses Batman! Kevin is doing actual analysis!

Batman: Yes, Robin. Even mindless trolls can debate the merits of NHL teams. Why, just look at Larry Brooks!

Believe it or not, we are just about halfway through the off-season already. It was about six weeks ago that the Ducks captured their first Stanley Cup, and in six more, the NHL's 32 teams will be heading to camp. To keep some sanity, here's a look at the teams that have had the worst off-seasons so far. (Bonus points to anyone who can name the movie that the picture caption is from.)

5. Dallas Stars - Sometimes no news is good news. This is not one of those times. The team finished 6th out west last year, but there are some serious questions that still need to be answered. Time is running out on the current incarnation of the Stars to make a serious post season run, as their average age is pushing 30. Mike Modano and Jere Lehtinen aren't getting any younger, and although the team has some nice young players, they can't wait years for them to develop. In my opinion, the team needs to win now and build through free agency, or face rebuilding. The draft didn't help their situation, as the Stars' first selection was the 50th pick. This summer, there was the hope that the team would make a big splash in the free agent market, but that has yet to happen. Adding Todd Fedoruk, is not a franchise altering move. Granted, the Stars aren't far removed from where they were in May. The problem for them is that they haven't made any serious improvements. You got me, though. The Stars are much better off than the four teams that are coming up.

4. Boston Bruins - Things have never looked worse in Boston. It's been eight years since the team has won a playoff series, and 15 since they made it past the second round. While they won the Northeast division in 2004, that still feels like a very distant memory. Kudos to the team for hiring Claude Julien and not alumnus Mike Milbury. The team instantly has some credit, but that is probably due more to the fact that they fired Dave Lewis. Anyone is an upgrade over Lewis. The problem with the Bruins off-season so far, is that they haven't done enough to upgrade the on ice product. Getting Zach Hamill at the eighth spot in the draft was nice, and they've also added Manny Fernandez and Shawn Thornton. The point is; all of that is a far cry compared to how the rest of the Eastern Conference cellar did. Philadelphia and Washington, who finished 15th and 14th in the East respectively, made major upgrades and are now playoff caliber teams. Even perennial loser Florida made some nice additions, but the Bruins have failed to follow suit... For those of you who were not watching close enough, the Bruins made a change to their logo. No really, it's different. Swear.

3. New York Islanders - No team has had their roster blown apart quite like the Islanders. First, they bought out Alexei Yashin. Then, they managed to lose three more of their top six scorers (that doesn't include Ryan Smyth) on the first day of free agency. Luckily, the other guys were still under contract (Miro Satan, Mike Sillinger). The team did make a nice comeback in the free agent market by signing Bill Guerin, Mike Comrie and Ruslan Fedotenko. The point is, it's hard to imagine those guys filling the shoes of Yashin, Blake, Smyth, Kozlov and Poti. Guerin is old, and not the player he once was. Comrie and Fedotenko are not first line players, and the team is seriously lacking a threatening first line. Satan-Sillinger-Guerin? That's not terrible, but that's not going to get you very far. The team hasn't won a playoff series since 1993, and somehow, you know in the back of your mind that they're going to fuck it up this season, no matter what.

2. Buffalo Sabres - There's nothing worse than losing the heart and soul of your team (actually, there is, but I'll get to that next). That's what Chris Drury and Daniel "Dollar Bill" Briere were for the Sabres, and as soon as the free agent market opened on July 1st, both bolted for Eastern Conference rivals. Briere signed a monster deal in Philadelphia, while Drury will be playing on Manhattan Island this winter. To add to that, owner Tom Golisano has balked at increasing the payroll, and is actually crying poor. The good news to come out of Buffalo in the wake of this mess is that Thomas Vanek will be a Sabre for the next seven years. The team matched an offer sheet to the RFA after Edmonton made a monster contract offer. Keep your head up, Buffalo. It could be worse. You could live in Nashville.

1. Nashville Predators - What's worse than losing your two best players? Losing your team altogether. That's what Predator fans are facing in Nashville, and thus, they are undoubtedly having the worst off-season of any NHL team. The team has been stripped of it's star players (see: Paul Kariya, Kimmo Timonen, Scott Hartnell, Tomas Vokoun, Vitaly Vishnevski), and have received draft picks or, as in the case of their UFAs, nothing in return. Peter Forsberg has yet to sign elsewhere, but it is almost certain that he will not re-sign in the Music City. The team has added Jed Ortmeyer, Radek Bonk and Greg de Vries, but that's little consolation. The only consolation for all of this will be a high lottery pick next June. But that means nothing if the team packs up and moves to another city.

The Sharks Are Hip and With It

(C) San Jose Sharks

What you see before you is the new logo of the San Jose Sharks. It's hip, and exactly what all the kids are doing. If, you know, the kids were doing NHL logos. That didn't even make sense. Sorry.

Anyway, in an attempt to modernize their logo and sell lots of merchandise (which I'm sure they will) the Sharks have redesigned the logo they have had since the franchise's inception. Just in case you forgot, pictured below is the old one. Personally, I might have opted for making the shark fin shoulder patch a main logo, but it is a little plain. All in all, the Sharks did a good job. I'm proud of them for not opting to use either words or a cuddly looking shark in their new logo. It's pretty badass. And honestly, who needs words? Words blow.

TeamTraveler.com

Monday Wrap Up: Chris Simon is Your Top Story Today. Sad.

The man. The mullet. The legend. FansOnly.com

• You can take our images, but you'll never take our freedom! Apparently some asshole flipped the switch that gets rid of all the pictures on this blog. They are all hosted over at my account on RoutHost.com, and as you can see, they're not loading. Thanks a lot, fuckers. I'm not going to dignify them with a hyperlink. This, from the same people who tried to close my account cause I didn't pay my bill. The reason I didn't pay? They double billed me, and I wasn't stupid enough to pay twice.
  
• BMR is not affiliated with Barry Melrose or ESPN. Not in any way. Not at all. I am not Barry Melrose. I've never even met the guy... Some people have been circulating rumors that this is Barry Melrose's non-ESPN blog. That is false. I am Kevin, your blogging overlord... For the record, I do not own a mullet.
  
• The Islanders can't help but make headlines: Still Suspended Chris Simon has re-signed with the Islanders. It's a one-year deal valued at $800,000. Simon is still suspended for 7 games because he thought Ryan Hollweg looked better with some wood in his face. lexei Yashin has signed a one-year contract with Lokomotiv of the Russian Super League. As you may remember, the former Islander is being paid more than $2 million to not play on Long Island this season. Said Yashin's agent Mark Gandler; "Right now the city is electric, everyone is excited, the arena will be packed and Alexei will play hard." Yashin playing hard? I'll believe it when me shit turns purple and tastes like rainbow sherbet.
  
• Brooks Laich thinks that he is bigger than the team: An interesting situation is developing in Washington. No Name Brooks Laich is filing for arbitration, and as Off Wing poins out, he doesn't seem to have much of a case -- unless his goal is to get the hell out of Washington... I'm not really sure why anyone would want to do that. The Caps have made some serious strides in recent weeks, but in all fairness, they're still taking really rudimentary promotional photos.
  
• Hannu Toivonen is a Blue: St. Louis acquired the Bruin net minder for Carl Soderberg.
  
• This is the best you can do?! Drew Carey (yes, that Drew Carey) has been named as the replacement for Bob Barker on the Price is Right. Seriously. Drew. Fucking. Carey. Shit, it's all down hill from here. Might as well start preparing for the end.

Your Obligatory Mark Messier Diss

Once I started this feature, you knew it was only a matter of time... Don't worry Ranger fans, the Islanders will get theirs, too.

Reason to Live Until Next Season #1

The summer months can be long, hot and boring. In hockey terms -- the summer sucks. Beach season is great and all, but it's also a reminder that hockey is still far, far away. Hockey fans, this summer, please try and keep your sanity. To help you survive the long summer months, I'll be taking the time to remind you of the reasons why it's a good idea to make sure you live to see next season. Please, don't do anything rash this summer.

Reasons to Live #1: Ice Girls

I really don't think I have to explain this one. They're girls. They're on skates. They're great to look at. The end.

(C) Dallas Stars

Saturday Wrap Up: Alexei Yashin Dislikes American Currency

America will now have 65% less Carol Alt. Newsday

• NHL Exile: Alexei Yashin has signed a one-year contract with Lokomotiv of the Russian Super League. As you may remember, the former Islander is being paid more than $2 million to not play on Long Island this season. Said Yashin's agent Mark Gandler; "Right now the city is electric, everyone is excited, the arena will be packed and Alexei will play hard." Yashin playing hard? I'll believe it when me shit turns purple and tastes like rainbow sherbet.
  
• The Predators situation is still a mess: TSN is reporting that Jim Balsillie is accusing Gary Bettman of tampering. This looks like it's going to drag on for quite some time...
• You knew this internet thing was doomed from the start: Watch 45 seconds of a cat sitting on a sofa. It's riveting.
  
• Marketing ploy or honest tribute: The Islanders have announced that Hall of Fame coach Al Arbour will coach a regular season game with the team this season. It would give Arbour his 15,000th NHL game behind the bench, a number which is said to please Ted Nolan a lot more than the current 14,999 that Arbour has. Blatant marketing ploy or tribute to a legend? You decide.
• Ziggy Palffy has returned -- in Slovakia.
• Not entirely sure what was going on at that Predators rally -- but it worked.
  

[Clever Title Here]

with help from despair.com.

Marty Brodeur Has Mastered the Evil Eye

From the Random Fan Photos Department; Marty Brodeur at this year's All Star Game. Not sure who the girl is, but he sure looks protective. And I don't blame him.

With some inspiration from lolcats...


Source photo from julie_h on Flickr.

Off-Season Journal, Day 39: Never Not Hockey

There really is nothing to post about anymore. If you remember, this blog used to include posts that involved serious thinking and analysis. Now? Not so much. That's just what happens to the hockey world in mid-July. It starts to look like a barren wasteland of sport... We'll see how this little number goes, but this Offseason Journal thing might stick around -- but only if it appeases you, o gracious viewers and commenters.

Have fun in Toronto, Fetus. ViewImages

6:20 AM EST: Nightmares. Jason Blake is haunting me. Somewhere in Toronto, he's sitting around counting money, and doing whatever else it is that Jason Blake does. I imagine it involves coloring books and, you know, looking like a fetus... All that stuff he said about loving Long Island? A load of you know what. What an asshole.

8:15: Sum 41 is right. Waking up is really fucking hard to do. All I can think of is lying in bed, after those nightmares of Fetus kept me up.

8:20: Finally out of bed. I've got to be at work in 40 minutes (if it's relevant, I'm a lifeguard during the summer). First things first. Check TSN, I must. Something important had to have happened while I was asleep. There's been too little going on. I hope Forsberg signed, even if its not with the Islanders. Any news will do. Any news at all.

8:22: Stumble downstairs. Turn on computer. Alexei Yashin is on the front page of TSN. What the?!?!

8:23: Worst possible thing I could have seen at this hour of the morning. TSN must have it out for me. Evaluate potential options for suicide. The high ceiling in my kitchen is looking like a noose would be nice and cozy in there.

8:24: Realize that Yashin is no longer an Islander. Sigh deeply, and remove noose from neck. The photo was only in reference to how he, among other second tier free agents, has not been signed yet. Come to think of it, a picture of Mark Messier Waterworks McGee would have been the worst TSN headline to wake up to.

8:35: Time spent on the computer in the morning always flies. Some mornings, I check only email and TSN, but it still takes more than 10 minutes to do so. That's just impossible. Later I'll investigate possible black holes surrounding my desk.

8:40: Soft food for breakfast. It's necessary after such a shock to the system. Frozen waffles will do.

9:07: Arrive at work. No blogging today, there's no computer in the general vicinity. That's what happens when you work at a pool.

*intermission. Go grab a soda or some shit.

2:02 PM: Quittin time! I love any day that's a half day.

2:20: loltrade. Eh, that's not as catchy as lolcat. I'll keep trying... Seriously, throw me a friggin bone here. The Sens trade Peter Schaefer to Boston for Sean Donovan. Nope, not interesting. Don't care.

3:15: Random trains of thought. The Hurricanes re-acquired Matt Cullen for some no name players and a third rounder in 2008. Is it just me, or does Cullen look like post-90210 Jason Priestley, if Cullen changed his hair and aged a decade. Ok. That might be a bit of a stretch.

Matt Cullen Now part of the Carolina Hurricanes

Jason Priestley Still living off of “90201” fame

What's with all the trades? Do we need to remind GMs that this is the middle of free agent season?

3:19: What if I just blogged in questions all day? Would you like that? Is this the most irritating thing ever or what?

4:45: Considerd adding a poll to the site. Realized that I would be the only one voting. Maybe I can teach my dog to use Firefox.

5:41: Discovered LOL Jocks as per KSK. Great blog. Crappy Name. Needs more hockey. Always more hockey. Never not hockey. There we go! Name it Never Not Hockey. Kidding.

7:33: Late dinner tonight. Had to hit the gym for a little bit to get jacked. It's obviously not working. Leftover chicken parm. Reminds me of Ray Ferraro, Mr. Chicken Parm himself. Where is John Buccigross when you need him?

7:41: If Ray Ferraro is Chicken Parm, then who is Leftover Chicken Parm? No idea. Where's Buccigross?

9:47: It's almost time for the Mets game. The game is on late here on the east coast, cause they're in San Diego. It's Spanish for 'a whale's vagina'. I think that would be a great nickname for Mats Sundin.

10:35: Despair. What a terrible day for hockey. The most amusing part was that I actually got to say whale and vagina in the same sentence without making a fat chick joke. That's pretty hard to do. That being said, I feel as though hockey doesn't exist. Good thing there are only 70 days left till opening night. I'll make it. 'No sweat' I say, as I shake like a crack addict who needs a fix.

10:41: Click. Post this sucker.

Alternative Catch Phrases: I Went to a Hockey Game and a Fight Broke Out

I went to a hockey game and Patrick Roy's face friggin' exploded.

I went to a hockey game and Tie Domi broke out.

I went to a hockey game and a live action Richard Simmons video broke out.

I went to a hockey game and Jeremy Roenick scared the beejeezus out of me.

I went to a hockey game and an afternoon nap broke out.

I went to a hockey game and... um... yeah... hello.

I went to a hockey game and gay porn broke out.

I went to a hockey game, met a girl, and the next day herpes broke out.

Homophobia and Hockey

Look. If hockey players are gay, and I'm sure some of them have to be because it's simple probability, then that's just fine by me. Whatever you do in your personal life is your personal life. (cue Stephen A. voice) Quite frankly, I don't give a damn what you do in your personal life. That is, as long as it doesn't involve stabbing me and leaving me to die in the Hudson river.

That being said, the folks over at EA Sports have an interesting bug in their newest video game creation, NHL 2008. As the folks over at Dorothy Mantooth is a Saint inform us, the bug isn't very PG rated.

Yes, that's Cam Janssen on Bryan Rafalski's lap. Rafalski's stick is lodged in... well... let's just say it's not a pretty scene and we'll leave it at that.

This begs the question; is this why the Devils didn't re-sign Rafalski?
(C) Dorothy Mantooth is a Saint

There is No Better Way to Start a Week Than With Some Bettman Bashing

If you've been around the block a few times, and by "the block" I mean the internet, then you've probably come across Despair.com. You know, it's that site with all the funny "motivational" posters. To try and pass some time this summer, I'll be posting some of my own hockey related creations. After all, nothing is more fun than useless crap like this!

(click on the pictures for full size)

John Ferguson: 1938-2007

"Former NHL player and general manager John Ferguson Sr. died Saturday after a lengthy fight with prostate cancer. He was 68.

"My father battled cancer with the same spirit in which he played the game of hockey," Ferguson Jr. said in a release on Saturday. "He showed courage, strength, class and tremendous character. He had deep appreciation for the support he'd received from so many people beginning with his initial diagnosis."

-CBC Sports

The New York Islanders Want Their Fans to Support Other Teams, Too

Those are some pretty big security guards. (C) New York Islanders

Yesterday afternoon, I ventured to the Broadway Mall in Hicksville, New York, which is where my beloved Islanders had opened a completely renovated team store. Needless to say, it's a pretty sweet looking place, although I'm not sure whether or not I should be frightened of the two giant statues out front (pictured right). I estimate that they are about twelve feet tall, and they don't represent any particular players. The damn things are really pretty creepy looking, but I guess they're harmless. At least I hope so. The last thing anyone needs is these guys running wild in the food court.

The one gripe I have, and it's a rather curious move by the team, is that they are selling memorabilia from, you know, other teams. I don't have pictures of all of them, but there are signed plaques depicting, among non-Islander related persons; Daniel Briere, Boston Bruins "Legends" and Jason Spezza (pictured below, top left corner of the photo). How these things managed to find their way into the store, I have no idea. This is pretty ludicrous, on a few levels. I don't know how other teams do things, but I can't imagine that the Flames are selling any Oilers Legends memorabilia or that the Senators are selling Ducks championship t-shirts.

What really bugs me, is the Spezza piece. It's tough to see, but believe me it's in the following photo, a photo which the team had the cajones to post on their website. Let's look past the fact that Jason Spezza is not and has never been an Islander. What really grinds my gears is that Spezza just so happens to be a nice reminder of why this team hasn't won a playoff series since 1993.

If you're not familiar with the 2001 draft, let me fill you in. The Islanders had the #2 pick that year, a year which had a good crop of prospects (including two "can't miss" guys), and the team traded that pick, Zdeno Chara and Bill Muckalt to Ottawa for Alexei Yashin. Atlanta took Ilya Kovalchuk with the #1 pick, and the Sens took Spezza at #2. Both, at the time, we're can't miss prospects and as happy as fans were with getting Yashin (at the time), we would of rather had Chara and Spezza. Six years later, both Kovalchuk and Spezza are 1+ point per game players, a feat which Yashin never matched on Long Island.

My point is this; since this franchise is so dollar-bill-desperate and self-serving enough to actually disgrace itself by selling memorabilia from OTHER TEAMS, at least make sure those teams and/or players don't invoke some kind of painful memories for your fans. I know, with this team there are almost too many painful memories that no matter what you do, you're bound to piss someone off, but is it too much to ask for you to think before you act?

At least they're smart enough to not sell Rangers merchandise.
(C) New York Islanders

If you can't see the Spezza plaque, or are still skeptical, here is the zoomed in version of this photo. Right above Mike Bossy, no less.

Your Best Efforts Aren't Worth a Damn

This looks like a nice spot to mail it in from. Why didn't I think of this sooner? Bergoiata.org

Let's face it. It's a Saturday in the middle of July, and nothing is going on. Most of the big free agents have been signed already, and arbitration hearings don't start for a few weeks. Right now, the hockey world is a deep, dark abyss, and we haven't fallen far enough yet to see the light on the other side.

To pass the time, let's take a look at the people who, much like myself, mailed it in this week.

Me - I'll start with the obvious. This is the fifth post of the week, and that just ain't cuttin it.

The Carolina Hurricanes - Their biggest addition so far this off-season? Michael Leighton. Thanks for the effort, team.

SI Fan Nation - Next time, make sure the "news" you're posting isn't, you know, five weeks old.

Bambi - As the good folks at Kissing Suzy Kolber show us, this deer mailed it in when it came to the game of life. I think the eagle even power bombed the deer! SWEET!

NASA - Two words; spell check.

Paratroopers - Next time, don't land in the prison. I hear some of the guys in D block have a think for army boys.

Australia - How do you stop a tank rampage? Is it even possible? Next time, lock up your tank.

Brent Sutter Wants Lou Lamoriello to Fire Him

Awkward press conference photos, #42. Mel Evans/AP

As it turns out, Lou Lamoriello actually hires coaches. I was starting to think that he just had a whole bunch of coaches and fired one each month.

The lastest in line for the Devils bench job is Brent Sutter, a former long-time Blackhawk and Islander. Sutter is also a member of hockey's first family, the Sutters. Most recently, he had a successful tenure as coach/GM of the WHL's Red Deer Rebels.

All I thought when I heard about this; how long till Lamoriello fires sutter? My bet is down on February 11th. That being said, if I'm Sutter, I have some sort of guarantee in my contract that I'll finish this season, if not the next two.

Apologies for the lack of updates recently, but things are getting pretty hairy. Right now, I'm working two jobs, and lately they both have been busy, so I'm not able to post much from home or work.

Wednesday Wrap Up: You Are Officially Allowed to Get Crunk

It's got three exclamation points. It must be good. Beverages Direct

• The Rangers might as well just dry hump the salary cap: They're that close to it. After signing Henrik Lunqvist to a one-year, $4.25 million dollar deal, NHLNumbers.com reports that the team is facing a cap hit of $51.69 million for next season. The cap is going to be only $50.3 million, so the Rangers have some cost cutting to do. Not only that, they only have 10 forwards signed and Sean Avery is still headed to arbitration. Maybe they can just roll three lines this season... In other Ranger news, Brendan Shanahan took a pay cut, and signed an incentive-laden contract yesterday. You would think that the Rangers would have learned a thing or two from the New York Knicks, their free spending Garden counterparts, but apparently not.
  
• Who knew it had been this long? BMR's 100th post.
  
• Richie Rich: Sid the Kid inks a monster deal. He extends his current contract five years, for a total of $43.5 million. That averages out to $8.7 million per year. This is a pretty risky move for Pittsburgh. Sid is an amazing player, and is certainly worth the money that he will be recieveing, but this move puts almost one fifth of the Penguins' cap space into one player. That can't be good.
• Merriam-Webster gets their crunk on.
• Alexei Yashin is not satisfied with your American Dollars: After being bought out by the Islanders, one might think that Yashin would come at a reduced rate next season. After all, he is being paid over two million dollars to not play for the Islanders this season alone. To quote Lee Corso, 'not so fast, my friend'. According to Yashin's agent, he is not happy with the contract offers that he has been receiving, and is threatening to play in Russia next season. If no team ponies up and offers Yashin a number he likes, I can definitely see this happening.
• More CBA dissent: SI's Darren Elliot weighs in on the impact of the rising cap on small market teams.
• What you will be doing this winter: The NHL schedule has been released.

If Only Text Messaging Was More Popular in the NHL

You too can send text messages, regardless of your ethnicity! brad.ac.uk

Oh Technology, how wonderful you are. Not only have you given us the iPhone and the Showtime Rotisserie, but also the colossal waste of time and money that is text messaging. Honestly, why would you ever call someone directly when you can send them 150 characters at a time? Beats me. You're probably wondering where I'm going with this. Well, fuck logical transitions. Here you go:

Last week, Jeremy Roenick "announced" his retirement by text messaging the Philadelphia Inquirer.

A great American hockey player and a Philly favorite bid adieu to the game, fittingly, on America’s birthday - July 4.

"I’m retiring; is that still news?" Jeremy Roenick told The Inquirer by text message.

This leads me to wonder what other momentous NHL events could be transcribed and immortalized in text messages, had texting been used as the medium to convey the message...

From: Gary Bettman
To: The 1998-99 Buffalo Sabres
"Sorry about the crease rule."

From: Todd Bertuzzi
To: Steve Moore
"Watch your back, broski."

From: The Winnipeg Jets
To: The City of Winnipeg
Date: April 28, 1996
"KThanksBye."

From: Theo Fluery
To: Tyrone Biggums
"Cocaine is a hell of a drug."

From: The Anaheim Ducks
To: The Ottawa Senators
"Pwnd u fuckin n00bs."

From: NHL
To: NHL Fans
Date: Sept. 16th, 2004
"Fuck you."

From: USA
To: USSR
Date: Feb. 22, 1980
"OMG!!OMG!!OMG!!OMG!!OMG!!OMG!!OMG!!"

From: ESPN
To: NHL Headquarters
"See you in hell."

Monday Wrap Up: Slow News Day

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard... Jedrek/Flickr

• Mike York is obviously the answer to Phoenix's problems: Why didn't we realize this sooner? 21 points in 66 games is going to take this team far... Honestly, it would do the 'Yotes a lot more to just play one of the kids and save the money.
• Only milk can stop zombie attacks!
• Lead us captain! Leeeeead us! Today, the Islanders named Bill Guerin captain at a press conference that introduced Guerin, Mike Comrie, Ruslan Fedotenko, and Jon Sim. There are contrasting opinions on whether Guerin knew that he would be recieveing the 'C' or if the team surprised him with it at the press conference. Either way, it's a move that probably had to be made. My bet? Snow used it as a bargaining chip. Not that the Islanders captaincy has had any 'lore' to it in the past decade, but it's still a captaincy.
• The lockout... it does nothing: There's some concern out there about the future of the NHL if they cap continues to increase. Consider me concerned.
• Throwing money at people: In other cap news, the Canucks signed Kevin Bieska to a big money extension. He's going to get an extra $11.25 through the last three years of his contract. He would have been a RFA next season.
• Dallas Drake cannot be destroyed.
  
• Minnesota does not care about your failed drug tests: The Wild have signed former New York Islander Sean Hill. Prior to Game 5 of the Isles series against Buffalo, Hill was suspended by the NHL for 20 games as a result of failing the league's anti-doping policy. Hill insists that he is innocent. He's passed another drug test as well as a lie detector. Now if only we could get baseball players to do the same...

Your Stanley Cup Blog Update

On Tuesday I told you about the NHL's inane marketing ploy; giving the Stanley Cup it's own blog (the actual fucking trophy). The following are actual posts on "Stanley's" blog, ladies and gentlemen. Remember, actual posts.

"Hey Stanley, it's me again. Please tell me how u think the Sharks have been playing lately. I know it hasn't been good, but I just wanted to hear it from someone else. Hope u come to San Jose this summer!! Love Ya <33333>

Posted by: hockey_lover004"

And the reply...

"Dear hockey_lover004,

I watched the game on Versus last night…the Sharks certainly didn’t let the octopus intimidate them, did they? Wow! Stanley was impressed, but it’s still a long haul.

Good luck to your Sharks.

Your friend,

Stanley"

----

"Hey Stanley! You said you visited different countries. Now I want to invite you to Ukraine. What yuo say? And bu the way if you wanna talk to a guy who is very interested in hockey email me - dany_deceit@yahoo.com I think could find a lot of to talk about. And about the visit to Ukraine - thik it over1 I'll be waiting for your reply! I'll post smth for you later! OK bye!

Posted by: Dany"

"Dear Dany,

That sounds great, I would love to cum over and visit you in the Ukraine. I hear the girls over there are pretty wild. But let's talk about us. How old are you? I sure hope you're 18 because we could have so much fun! ;-) If I visit, I'll bring my friend Richard. He's a great guy, you would love to meet him. He's a HUGE hockey fan too! What do you do for fun in the Ukraine? I mean other than hockey, of course! Talk to you soon.

Love,

Stanley"

OK, well, that last post by Stanley isn't real, and not just because it's a fucking trophy. But I imagine that it's not too far from the truth.

Thomas Vanek is Now a Very Rich Man

Yes, the Sabres did re-sign SOMEBODY. View Images

Edmonton Oilers GM Kevin Lowe is a little nuts. Oiler fans already know as much, and now, the rest of the NHL is getting a glimpse.

Yesterday, Lowe made a gigantic offer to restricted free agent Thomas Vanek of the Buffalo Sabres; a seven year, $50 million contract. That averages to a bit over $7 million a year, more than ex-Sabre Daniel Briere got from the Philadelphia Flyers (8 years/$52 mil).

There's no doubt Vanek is a great player, but he's not worth $500,000 per year more than Briere.

Long story short, the Sabres were given a week to match the offer (that's how it works with RFAs), and it only took them a few hours to match Lowe's monster offer. After losing Chris Drury and Daniel Briere to free agency, how could they not sign Vanek?

Needless to say, Buffalo GM Darcy Regier is a little ticked off that Edmonton tried to 'poach' one of their players.

GM Darcy Regier, at the press conference, said quite explicitly that he informed Kevin Lowe not to make the offer and that now that it's been done all of the players on the Oilers can now be considered 'fair game.'

"I wanted to say to everyone in the National Hockey League, if you want to shop this way..... Don't shop here." -- Darcy Regier.

And, naturally, the Vanek camp is very happy.

"I think that Thomas was shocked," [agent] Steve Barlett said. "I kept telling him I was going to get him a deal, and I don't think he believed me. I don't know if I believed it myself."

JR in Da Houseeeee

Playtime's over kids. JR is back to supervise things for you. All you Americans probably have got your post Independence Day hangovers now. Weakasses. I'll drink any of you under the table.

Don't worry if you slept in, weakasses. Nothing happened today. You didn't miss anything. The Islanders signed Bill Guerin and Mike Comrie, so that fuck Kevin is going to be happy. That's good. His team has about 10 players now. Maybe they can get a scrimmage going. What a pussified excuse for a hockey team. Next week, they'll be so desperate that they'll sign my fucking grandmother.

So now I'm here to play babysitter and entertain you all. I'm so nice. Spending a day of my summer here. What a waste of time. Who knows, maybe one of you will learn something. Ha.

This is fucking boring. I'm just sitting typing on a computer and people are supposed to eat this shit up. Unbelievable. Thank God someone invented this blogging crap. We're so much better off.

I don't know what you're doing here anyway. The internet is all about tits. Not hockey. Not about photos of your cute fucking baby. Oh, it looks like you? That's disgusting. Your kid is fugly.

It's all about tits. Let me explain.

Dallas tits:

Tampa tits:

Tits that are suing the Rangers:

See? Those are beautiful things. That's what the internet is for. You can't get shit like that anywhere else.

That's it for now. I'm out. Don't do anything dumb while I'm gone. Peace.

-JR

It's JR Time, Bitches.

It's JR Time. Your blog is MINE. Flickr

Listen up kiddies. This is JR and I'm running the show today. You better listen up and listen good cause everything I say is fucking awesome. It's like the second coming.

Get used to this, cause now that I'm retired, I don't have shit to do. So I'm gonna take some time out of my day to enlighten you. Enjoy. This is a fucking blessing for you. You're sitting around, drinking your coffee and jerking off at work, reading this poor excuse for a blog, and lo and behold, here's JR. You should be thankful every time you hear me speak. This is the smartest thing you're going to read all week.

Don't worry about that douche Kevin. He's around. Today he's at work. What a tool.

So you're stuck with me for the day. You better enjoy it. They don't call me The Mouth for nothing. Cause everything I say is fucking awesome. Almost as good as what I do on the ice. God I'm so good. I can still play like the legend that I am. Gretzky is just a fag. Who benches JR? No one. Unless you're a giant asshole. Like Gretzky. What a fag.

Enjoy you're day, kiddies. It's not going to get any better than this.

Things That Just Look Awkward

Tom Gannam/AP

Paul Kariya throwing out the first pitch at a Cardinals game.

It's almost like a Tiger Woods high five. But not quite.

If Gary Bettman Had Multiple Personalities, This Would Be One of Them

Growing up as a kid, did you always wonder what the Stanley Cup would say if it could talk? Have you always wished, even before these internets came about, that the SC would have it's very own blog so that it could speak directly to you? Well, you're not alone. So have I.

The Stanley Cup is one massive crunk goblet. Scott Cunningham/Getty Images

And as it turns out, our prayers have been answered.

NHL.com has given the Stanley Cup it's own blog. Not the Cup's handlers. Not some hockey historian. The actual fucking trophy.

Pardon me for being late in picking up on this, but I just stumbled across it tonight and though it was one of the most ridiculous blogs ever. On the ridiculous scale, it's awfully close to the epic Cakes and Babies. The difference is that the SC blog is just a bit more on the insane side of things.

Here's some excerpts from NHL.com... er... I mean, Stanley.

"Bonjour! Hello! My name is Stanley, and I’m the oldest trophy in North American professional sports. I was born in England, but now I live in Toronto, Canada. Oh, and I love hockey! I've probably seen more games than anyone else on this board. If you have a hockey question, feel free to drop me a line below or at stanleycup@nhl.com."

Even the Stanley Cup has it's own email address. This internet thing has really taken off, hasn't it? Don't bother to write though, Stanley is a busy hunk of metal man.

"Hello everyone! Stanley here…..

Where to begin? Sorry I’ve been out of touch. My life has been upside down the last few weeks, but I’m not complaining. Well, I finally know who I’ll be spending my summer with and I’m looking forward to hanging with these guys. Only captain Scotty and I have partied before. So congratulations to the 2007 Stanley Cup champion Anaheim Ducks. And let’s not forget the Ottawa Senators, who also played a fine series and had a tremendous season.

Well, excuse me once again, I have to get back to the party. It’s a wild one and, after all, I am the host. My buddy the Conn Smythe Trophy is here too! He's my "opening act." :=) So thanks all again for checking in and let’s stay in touch. It’s going to be a fun summer and I’ll tell you all about it at some point.

My best,

Stanley"

Why are they trying to make the SC sound like some dipshit college freshman? "Oh my gawd I haven't talked to you in like FOREVER. I'm just so busy, I have like totally wayyy too many parties to go to! You dont even know. You dont. even. know. I'm like soooo sorry, call me, ttyl!!! Oh my gawd! =P" It's messed up on so many levels. I seriously pity the poor intern who has to write this shit.

In case you were wondering, people are, of course, playing along.

"I told you that you would be spending summer in California!! You may not have ended up in my #1 preferred place, but still!! I saw you at the Ducks celebration, you were magnificent!!!

Posted by: hockey_lover004"

Let's just hope this doesn't end up like the Barbaro message board. One place like that is more than enough.

The blog has a few pictures on it as well... And am I the only one who thinks that it's a little unsettling that the picture of Lord Stanley himself has a higher 'rating' than the picture of Lindsay Lohan and the Cup? That says something about the people that read this 'blog'. I don't know what. But something. Maybe they're just necrophiliacs. Come on people, tits are always > some dead guy.

Good Thing I Didn't Attempt a Live Blog Today

I've been staring at TSN's UFA Tracker for the past five hours, and the last signing continues to be Vancouver inking Lukas Krajicek and I can't friggin' take it anymore. Someone throw me a bone here. If Alex Auld signed right now, I would be happy. Give me any news. Anything at all.

The only other notes from today...

• Lots of rumors saying Michael Nylander will go to Edmonton. Nothing official just yet.
  
• The Ottawa Sun and the CP are reporting that Tom Preissing has signed in Los Angeles. That puts Ottawa at -1 since the start of free agency.
• Early this morning Petr Sykora and Darryl Sydor signed on in Pittsburgh. This leaves the Devils and Islanders as the only Atlantic Division teams that haven't made significant additions.

Here's what probably would have happened if I had tried to "live blog" day two...

"3:52 PM EST: There are 17 lights in the main room of my office. I see more lights go on when I go to work in the morning than Bob Boughner did during his entire career...

4:01 John Kruk's hair. How much would it cost the Islanders to sign it? Oh, right. It would probably just sign in Colorado for less money anyway."

...Updates as of 10:50 PM EST
Nylander heads to Washington... Roman Hamrlik to Montreal... Robert Lang to Chicago... Todd Bertuzzi to Anaheim, as the Ducks just get bigger and scarier... And Owen Nolan is back for another year. This time in Calgary...

Free Agency, Day 1: Picking Up the Pieces

Wow, what a day.

Gotta love the start of free agency. It's the only day that an entire division can completely shift. Some serious cash was thrown around today, with mainly the historically big market Eastern Conference teams coming through for their fans (as I write this, the West is making some big signings). Smaller market teams such as Buffalo, New Jersey, and my Islanders lost some serious chess pieces. By the way, if you want a good laugh, take a look at the Islanders' roster as of right now.

I was really looking forward to live blogging this whole thing, but because I'm one of those schmucks that actually had to work today, it wasn't possible. Anyway, I've gone through the day's events thanks to TSN's UFA Tracker... and some Advil.

1:09 PM EST: The Sharks have signed Joe Thornton to a three-year extension. Joe turns 28 on Monday, and this will keep him in California through 2010-11. The biggest UFA in 2008 is now off the market... The Hockey News is also reporting that Jarome Iginla is on the verge of signing an extension that would keep him in Calgary through 2011-12 or 2012-13. Iginla's current deal is also set to expire in 2008.

1:47 The first official UFA signing of the day is in, as Atlanta signs Todd White. No questions about tampering this year (oh yeah, about that), since the first two hours pass ridiculously uneventful.

2:17 Punch right to the stomach. Tom Poti is an Islander no more. He signs in Washington for four years, $14 million. I put the over/under on Tom Poti defensive zone brain cramps for next season at 17... and the best defenseman on the Islander roster is now Brendan Witt, or dare I say it, Radek Martinek.

2:24 Richard Zednik to the Panthers. Zednik is a good player, but did squat in his time on Long Island. If you're scoring at home, the Islanders are -2 right now... I swear I'm not trying to turn this into an Islander post. I'm trying to talk about the entire NHL, they're just not letting me!

2:49 Wow, first blockbuster of the day. It looks like things are starting to get rolling. Matty Schneider to the Ducks for two years at just over $11 million... Looks like this should be a Scott Niedermayer replacement, but nothing is final yet. I'm not dead yet. Not quite dead.

3:38 The Oilers make two nice depth additions to their blue line in Dick Tarnstrom (that sounds like some type of a groin injury) and Denis Grebeshkov. Did I mention that they are both former Islanders?

3:48 The first of the top tier forwards is off the board, as Daniel Briere signs a monster contract to go to the Iladelp. Eight years, $52 million. The Flyers website already has a seemingly brand new picture of Briere up. Was there a photo shoot when they signed the contract? Buffalo has to go after Chris Drury hard now.

3:57 Calgary signs Cory Sarich for ~$3.5 mil per season. I can't imagine why he is worth that much. The guy can't score and isn't a lock down defender. He's big and physical, but that doesn't equate to $3.5 mil. At least not for me.

4:01 Continuing the overpaid rant, Bryan Rafalski goes home to Detroit for an average of $6 million per. That's much more of an egregious number than Sarich getting 3.5. Rafalski is a great player don't get me wrong, but $6 million per? Briere's new deal averaged $6.5. There's no way you can pay Rafalski that much! Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm undervaluing defenders big time.

5:41 Radek Dvorak to the Panthers. They've already got Zednik, which makes for a pretty decent day from their perspective. This isn't going to put them over the top or anything, but it's a nice start. Remember, sometimes you have to take baby steps.

5:59 The Hurricanes grab Jeff Hamilton. Yawn... Who am I kidding, I would take 800 grand to play in NASCAR Land, too.

6:03 Michel Ouelett had a nice year in Pittsburgh and gets rewarded with 2 years/2.5 mil from Tampa Bay. If you're keeping score, that's Sunshine State 3, Islanders -2.

7:32 Look, I swear I'm not trying to make this all about the Islanders, but they are just flying off the shelves right now. It's like Garth Snow is selling iPhones to other NHL GMs. The team is now -3 as Jason Blake signs a fiver with Toronto for $20 million. I knew he wasn't coming back, but it still bites... To make up for some 'I told ya so' moments in previous posts, I thought Blake would go to Minnesota. I admit that I was way the heck off... I'm just trying to even things out with karma before it bites me in the ass. Actually now that I think about it, being an Islander fan for a couple decades has probably ensured that my life outside hockey will be full of good karma. I've endured enough. Time to buy some Lotto tickets!

7:34 Huge news as the top tier of forwards has quickly gotten thinner. Scott Gomez is... this just hurts me to say... is a New York Ranger. Seven years, $51.5 million. I think I just puked a little bit in my mouth.

7:35 This just in; all 6 Devils fans are royally pissed.

7:46 Another 2008 UFA is off the market as Sergei Zubov signs a one-year extension with Dallas.

7:47 Chris Drury signs with his childhood favorite team, the Rangers. Five years, $35.25 million. The Rangers have just spent $86.75 million in under 15 minutes. Is it just me, or does it feel like 2001? The NHL does have a salary cap, right? What we do know is that this should work out a lot better than the Holik/Kovalev signings... I've got to believe this was in strict response to the Gomez signing moments earlier. Drury jumped at the chance to win a Cup with his favorite team... This move just sends shock waves throughout the Eastern Conference. The Rangers are a serious Stanley Cup contender, and the Sabres, well, are not. Not a good day in Sabre land. You've got to feel for those folks.

7:59 The Capitals have signed Victor Kozlov for 2 years/$2.5 million. They poach a pair of Islanders, and things are starting to look a lot brighter in the nation's capital. It's safe to say that despite my best efforts, this has turned into a full fledged Islander post. Sorry, I tried... By the way that's Islanders now at -6, if you factor the Rangers adding Drury and Gomez.

8:22 Things are winding down for the night, but July 1st isn't going down without a fight. Scott Hannan signs on with the Avalanche for four years at $18 million. That's an average of $4.5 million. I'd say it's the most realistic valuation of a defender yet. Could it be that the lack of top tier defensive UFAs is pushing salaries up? With Kimmo Timonen off the board last week, that left Sheldon Souray, Rafalski, Schneider and Hannan as the cream of the defensive crop available today. Schneider signed off very early in the day, which leaves anyone searching for top defenders at a loss for options. It's a seller's market, and we're seeing the effects of that.

11:05 Yup, you knew it was coming. One more dagger in my gut before the day passed... You also knew that the Avalanche were going to make a play at top tier free agents coming into today since they have so much cap room. It was really only a matter of who those players would be... Ryan Smyth signs on with Colorado for $31.25 over five years, a dollar value which seems to be lower than everything he was reportedly offered. This guy could have gotten more than an average of $6.25 per, there's no doubt about it. He just didn't want it.

11:54 Paul Kariya signs a three-year deal with St. Louis, no specifics yet. Last place I thought that he would go, but it's not a bad fit. Gotta hand it to the Blues, they're really making it seem like they are completing the quickest rebuilding job in NHL history... That's all for tonight, if there's a lot of action tomorrow, I'll fill out another post like this tomorrow night.

I feel like Hacksaw Jim Duggan just took a two-by-four to the back of my head. Not only did the Islanders finish -7 on the day, but the Rangers were a rather impressive +2. Heck, that number should be more like +20. Kudos to them. At this rate, it will be interesting to see if the Islanders can even field a team on opening night that doesn't consist of mostly minor leaguers.

Today's big winners: the Rangers, Flyers, Avalanche and Blues.

Today's big losers: the Sabres, Devils, Islanders and my sanity.

Top forwards remaining: Peter Forsberg, Teemu Selanne, Slava Kozlov, Brendan Shanahan, Bill Gurien, Michael Nylander, Dainius Zubrus

Top defenders remaining: Sheldon Souray, Brad Stuart, Roman Hamrlik

Top goaltenders remaining: Dominik Hasek

The Atlantic Division Just Got Turned On Its Head

"I'm riiiich, biiitch!" Don Heupel/AP File

So the free agent craze started today, and it took a few hours, but the the shit has finally hit the fan. One of the most interesting points right now is how, in a matter of hours, the Atlantic Division just got turned completely upside down.

The Rangers are going to be a serious contender in the East next season. TSN is reporting that they have signed Chris Drury (*cough* I rule *cough*) and Scott Gomez. Gomez will receive a massive $51.5 million over seven years. No details on the Drury contract just yet (as of 7:55 PM). My hunch is that it may be similar, and due in part to the Gomez signing. Add these guys to Jagr, Prucha, Lundqvist, etc., and they are a mother fuckin' force to be reckoned with.

UPDATE: Drury gets five years at $35.25 mil.

Philadelphia is already a much improved team from last season, landing Martin Biron, Scott Hartnell and Kimmo Timonen in the past few months. They added Jason Smith and Joffrey Lupul via trade today, and have signed Daniel Briere to a lengthy eight-year deal valued at $52 million... With all these long contracts being handed out, it will be interesting to see if they end with Cup raises or buyouts... I also wonder what the chances are that Peter Forsberg returns to Philly. I don't see it happening, but if it does... Yikes.

The Islanders have lost a major asset, as Jason Blake has signed with the Toronto Maple Leafs. Blake will receive $20 million over four years, which I bet is probably more than anything the Islanders were willing to offer. Ryan Smyth is still unsigned (as of 7:55 PM), which plays in the team's favor. It won't be an easy sign, though. Tom Poti has also left the Island for Washington, a deal valued at $14 million over four years. As it stands, I'm going to be pissed if the Islanders don't re-sign Smyth or make a serious signing with another player.

UPDATE: The Islanders have also lost Victor Kozlov to Washington. Fuck.

New Jersey is in the same boat as Long Island. The Devils were faced with serious cap issues coming into the day, and now they are reeling. As previously stated, Scott Gomez made the move to the Garden, and Bryan Rafalski has signed a five year, $30 million dollar deal with Detroit. Yikes. As with the Islanders, if New Jersey doesn't make a splash soon, they might be fighting the Isles for the cellar of the Atlantic.

There is no news out of Pittsburgh so far today, but that doesn't mean things are going downhill. They've still got this, that and, oh yeah, him.