Analyzing the New Canucks Jerseys

+
X


=

In review: Hartford Whalers + California Golden Seals x Roberto Luongo = New Canucks Jerseys

Study hard class, this will be on the test.

A Handy Guide for Beginners: Fantasy Hockey

Jeremy Roenick is RAD! Dude! Flyers.NHL.com

It's that time of year again. No, not for college and pro football players to get arrested in droves after opening night, but you're getting warm. We're officially a month away from hockey season, and that means it's time to start up, or think about thinking about starting up, a fantasy hockey league.

For most people, this wouldn't even be a thought in the deepest, darkest parts of their mind. But you, you're different. You read mediocre hockey blogs in August. You check your calendar daily to see how many days are left until training camp starts. You take joy in the fact that one of your arch rivals will no longer be getting 'any' from Elisha Cuthbert. And of course, you're still wondering why in the hell Tampa Bay is going to pay Marc Denis $2.8 million this year to sit on their bench for at least 41 games.

If you've done any of these things or pondered any of these questions recently, then this post is for you. This is for the people. You know who you are. You're the ones who don't care about baseball, aren't overly excited by the start of football season, don't realize basketball is a professional sport, and live in parts of the continent where ESPN shoves NASCAR and Arena Football down your throat constantly. For you, the people, I give you BMR's Handy Pocket Guide to Fantasy Hockey.

Do not use ESPN fantasy games to host your league. Not only do I have a sneaking suspicion that ESPN might continue it's campaign to rid the world of the NHL by 'accidentally' forgetting to even host an NHL fantasy website this year, they'll probably just start everything over a couple weeks into the season, anyway. Hey, I'm just saying.

Do not pay extra for StatTracker® if you're using Yahoo! Yes, it only costs $9.99 for the entire season. But is it really that hard for you to either; A) wait until the system automatically updates nightly at 4 AM EST or B) just check a God damn box score, which just so happens to be updated by Yahoo! on their website in real time?

Your league name won't be any good, no matter how hard you try. Might as well just name it Ted's WalMart Employee Fantasy League or something generic like that. Not only does it save you the trouble of looking like an idiot when you try to whip out some gangsta slang and totally screw it up, but this way you'll be able to tell the difference between the five leagues you're in that all have the same name. Now, they won't all be named some variation of the Bay City Ballas Mad Fly Hockey Shizzle Dizzle League. Honestly, you should just name your league Poop. Naming your league after fecal matter is way more original than anything else that you're going to come up with.

Rotisserie scoring leagues don't hold a candle to head-to-head leagues. That brings me to my next point, when given the option, always choose a head-to-head style league over rotisserie scoring. Not only is head-to-head much easier to spell, but there's nothing better than the trash talking that is birthed from a head-to-head league. Under rotisserie rules, only the winner gets to talk trash at the end of the year. When you have a head-to-head match up against a different opponent each week with the chance for a rematch later in the season, and playoffs, that's almost more trash talking and bragging rights than you'll know what to do with. It will be amazing, I promise. After all, without trash talking and bragging rights, there wouldn't be fantasy sports at all.

Always invite the guy who should be in gamblers anonymous, but isn't. The best part about playing fantasy sports for money is that when you need to fill those last couple of spots in the league, everyone has a friend (or two) that is a compulsive gambler. Not only will it be fun to watch them crumble when their team goes into the shitter before the All-Star break, but it's extra money for everyone else to win!

Convince your friends/family/coworkers that fantasy hockey is, actually, fun. This is the most important part of creating a fantasy hockey league. Unless you live in Canada or a select number of cold weathered American cities, you probably don't know too many people who like hockey. Even if you do know a lot of hockey fans, chances are most of them won't be crazy enough to join a fantasy hockey league with you and pay to do so. This is where your skills as a used car salesman come in (you do have those, right?). You've got to sell other people on joining your league, and you've only got a month left to do it.

For co-workers, the best angle would obviously be to explain to them just how much time can be wasted at work thanks to their involvement in a fantasy sports league. Chances are that any employee worth their weight in slacking ability knows this already, and will be quick to sign up.

When it comes to friends, playing the guilt card is a sure bet. Remind them how little you see them as it is because you work such long hours, or are always at school/doing homework. For the guys out there, just remind those friends in a relationship how whipped they are by their girl, and watch how fast they give in. It's fun! As for the rest, seeing as you're already friends, they'll probably cave easily as well and coincidentally forget to check their team regularly once the season begins. That's because they really couldn't give a rat's ass about any of it in the first place. No worries, you've got their money and they'll probably be an easy beat thanks to a bad draft and unkempt roster.

If none of these attempts succeed in filling up all the spots in your league, then you might have to resort to, you know, talking to your family. Seeing as you're reading this blog and have read almost the entirety of this long winded post, that leads me to believe that you don't have much of a family life, either. This assignment is on your own, class. Good luck!

Schedule the league's live draft at a time when only you can attend. If you know your league is going to be a sham anyway, since the only people that you could get to join were a bunch of friends and co-workers who have never heard of Alex Ovechkin, don't worry. Make sure to schedule your live draft at a time when you'll likely be the only person who cares enough to show up. This actually happened in one of my leagues on Yahoo! last year. One friend was the only person who showed up to the live draft online, and he ended up coming away with Crosby, Ovechkin, Malkin and Selanne. Needless to say, he won.

Don't try to be a smart ass when naming your team. Please, spare us the trouble of trying to understand the joke in your team name. Chances are, you only get about 25 characters to use in naming your team, and that won't be nearly enough room to explain that really funny line Keanu Reeves said in The Replacements that you can't believe everyone doesn't know and think is completely hilarious. Just do everyone a favor and name your team something like Average Joe's or Skillz That Killz and be done with it. We'll all get the Dodgeball movie reference and wonder how you ever came up with applying it to a fantasy hockey team. You're so witty and amazing. I wish I could be just like you.

Previous Handy Pocket Guides on BMR
A Handy Guide for Beginners: Hockey Blogging (8/13)

A Handy Guide for ESPN: How to Not Ruin Hockey (8/2)

2007-08 Preseason Foreplay: Montreal Canadiens

Who doesn't love Youppi? CP

Quick hits

• Youppi is actually a real man who is mute and covered in orange fur.
• The Habs have not won a Stanley Cup in 13 seasons, the longest drought in the franchise's storied history.
  
• Just to remind you how storied that history is... The Pocket Rocket, Henri Richard, won 11 Stanley Cups during his 20 seasons in Montreal. That percentage alone makes Derek Jeter look like a scrub.
• This year the franchise turned 98 years young. I think the present I sent got lost in the mail. Sorry, Montreal.
• FourHabsFans' post on why they hate the New York Rangers is plain fucking awesome. Do yourself a favor and go read it.
  

Odds for the folks at gambler's anonymous

78 to 1: In his return to Montreal on January 8th (provided he doesn't get cut before then), Sergei Samsonov will voluntarily scratch himself from the lineup to commemorate his time in Montreal.

4 to 1: If a poll was conducted, the majority of BMR readers would be in favor of French speaking ice girls.

9 to 1: The Habs will win the Cup this year. After all, they're the sexy pick.


Obligatory serious analysis

Things aren't so bad in Montreal. Well, let's just say that they could be worse. The folks up there have the longest Cup drought in franchise history going, the Habs have stunk up the joint in recent years, and of course there were those shenanigans about an American buying the team a while back. Fear not, Habs fans. Hope is on the way.

Montreal finished two points out of the 8th spot in the East last season, and have, for the most part, taken care of business this off season. First off, the team rid itself of Sergei Samsonov, which is a plus in itself. Despite the loss of Sheldon Souray, the team strengthened it's blue line by re-signing Andrei Markov, Mike Komisarek and adding Roman Hamrlik, Patrice Brisebois and Jamie Rivers. The additions weren't earth shattering, but these players will at least provide experience and depth to their defense.

Up front the team lost Radek Bonk and Samsonov, which isn't that big of an issue considering neither player scored more than 26 points over the course of the season. To replace them, Bryan Smolinski and Tom Kostopoulos have been brought in. They're not a whole lot better than the aforementioned players whose places they will be taking. Kostopoulos is a career depth player and Smolinkski will turn 36 in December and his engimatic personality leaves it almost impossible to tell how well or poorly he will play.

One thing is for sure; how far the Habs go will be only as far as goaltender Cristobal Huet leads them. The Frenchman was a standout two seasons ago when he posted a .929 save percentage and a 2.20 GAA in 33 starts. Last season he split time with David Aebischer, whom has since signed with the Phoenix Coyotes. Aebischer's numbers were weaker than Huet's, but Huet's numbers dropped significantly. Witness a 2.81 GAA and .916 save percentage over the course of 39 starts. In this league you have to have a solid goaltender, and Huet will have to be just that for the Habs.

Prediction: The Habs are going to ride a solid year from Huet, who thrive on being the #1, and finish in the East's 8th spot.

The best looking ice girls in Montreal
There are no ice girls in Montreal (as far as I know), so all we're left with are more Elisha Cuthbert pictures because she's from Montreal. It's too bad, really.


Previous Editions of Preseason Foreplay

• Atlanta Thrashers - August 15th
• Boston Bruins - August 27th
  
• Chicago Blackhawks - August 24th
  
• Columbus Blue Jackets - August 22nd
  
• Dallas Stars - August 13th
• Florida Panthers - August 26th
  
• New Jersey Devils - August 19th
  
• Phoenix Coyotes - August 14th
• Tampa Bay Lightning - August 18th

The Islanders Will Stop at Nothing to Conquer the Internets

The verdict is in; fans do fan forums better. Newsday

It's safe to say that the New York Islanders are all for class participation. From their famous Blog in a Box, to the numerous fan articles that they publish through various mediums, there's no doubt that they love to hear what the public has to say. In another very unique move, the Islanders have acquired an internet fan forum to become the team's official message board/fan forum/gripe fest for their website.

Terms of the deal have not been disclosed, but it is believed that the team has traded Andy Hilbert and a third round pick in 2008 in exchange for the rights to call the forum, Islander Mania, their own.

All kidding aside, this is certainly an interesting step that the team has taken. If you're not familiar with the situation, the folks over at Islander Mania have been doing a bang up job of hosting arguably the most popular website to talk Islanders on the internet for nearly a decade now. This past Sunday, the crew officially announced that they are going to become the team's official fan forum for their website on September 1st. Not only that, but the forum will remain completely as is, with the lone exception being a change in web servers. It's a pretty big move, and one that is nothing new for a team that always seems to be on the cutting edge of technological marketing and fan interaction.

For the fans running the forums, it's got to be a thrill. There's really no higher praise for a fan forum/website than to have the team like it so much, they actually ask you to come on board. That's about the equivalent of a blogger getting a job at the New York Times, assuming you don't think the Times is "America’s most venerated journal of treason."

SI FanNation Wants You to Think Steve Sullivan Has Aged Horribly

This is getting really tiring. This is at least the third time I've had to post about how the NHL folks over at SI FanNation have totally dropped the ball on their NHL coverage.

I know, I know. People make mistakes. But they mess up like it's their damn job. At least it's pretty funny this time.

But maybe, just maybe it's not an error at all. Could it be a conspiracy? Is FanNation out to get Nashville's Steve Sullivan? I guess it is possible. After all, they made him look like he aged pretty horribly over the summer.

Let's review.

This is Steve Sullivan as a healthy, strong and virile young man in his days with the Blackhawks, somewhere between 1999 and 2004. That puts him between the ages of 25 and 30. This is before he started aging horrifically, or so FanNation would have you believe.

This is Steve last season, while playing for the Predators back in February of this year. He's a 32-year old veteran of the NHL at this point. He's still got plenty of spring in his step, which is shown by the 60 points he scored in 57 games for Nashville.

Saturday, word broke that Sullivan could miss the first three months of the season with back problems. He's been out since February 22nd due to this, and it's apparently taken a toll on him; witness FanNation's post about him yesterday. He must of aged about 30 years since we saw him in February.

Get well soon, Steve. Please, get well.

2007-08 Preseason Foreplay: Boston Bruins

That would be one sweet whip if it, you know, didn't have those Bruins logos all over it. (C) Boston Bruins

Gotta give some love to the Northeast Division. Today, a little foreplay with the Boston Bruins.

Quick hits

• The Bruins have made it out of the first playoff round once in the last 12 seasons. The last time they were in the Conference Finals, Kevin Stevens was the league's second leading scorer.
• P.J. Axelsson is the longest tenured Bruin, as this will be his 10th season in a Boston uniform.
  
• [Insert obligatory joke about how bad the Southeast Division is] The Southeast's new slogan; 'We're not just Carolina and Tampa Bay!'
  
• For the price of $250, "Blades, the Bruins mascot [a giant bear] will arrive in the Bruins Hummer for a one-hour appearance".
• For $650, Blades will fight a Leprechaun with a broom.*
  

Odds for the folks at gambler's anonymous

12 to 1: Blades defeats the Leprechaun by TKO.

3 to 1: Blades wins by threatening to maul the judges.

4 to 1: Manny Fernandez will realize that Boston isn't all that much better than Minnesota. In fact, it might just be worse. That is, if Fernandez enjoys winning hockey games.

50 to 1: Zdeno Chara finally acknowledges that he's been lying on the scouting report his entire career. He's not actually 6'9", but is really a midget on stilts.


Obligatory serious analysis

A few weeks back, I rated the Bruins as the fourth biggest losers of the off season up to that point. That position still stands, as the team hasn't made any significant improvement since that piece was written. The Bs did a face lift of off-ice personnel this summer, firing head coach Dave Lewis and letting go some of their front office staff. Claude Julien was brought in to replace Lewis, and that's probably for the better. Julien did coach the Devils into a playoff spot and helped in their winning of the Atlantic Division title before Lou Lamoriello pulled the plug on him and took all the credit. He's certainly an upgrade over Lewis. Not doubt about that.

The problem in Boston is that the on-ice product hasn't improved much. The team did acquire Manny Fernandez, which brings an end to their goaltending woes. Fernandez should be a solid performer for the Bs this season, but the problem with his acquisition was the subsequent loss of youngster Hannu Toivonen. The Bruins received center Carl Soderberg from St. Louis in exchange for Toivonen, and Greg Wynshenski was not too keen on the trade. He went so far as to say that "Bruins fans may want to mark down July 23, 2007 as yet another date that could live on in Bostonian hockey infamy."

No matter what happens down the road, the Bruins net will be secure for the present. That's great and all, but is that what you really want with a somewhat young, below average team? The Bruins won't be a factor in the East this season, so they might as well have kept Toivonen and gone with the youth movement in net for another year.

The only other addition that the Bruins have to flaunt is the signing of free agent Shawn Thornton from Anaheim. Thornton had 9 points in 48 games last season for Anaheim, as he split time between the NHL and AHL's Portland Pirates. The B's didn't lose any significant players, but their inability to add big names is what will hurt them this season. Aside from Thornton (who may likely be a non-factor) and Fernandez, they are essentially returning with the same lineup that finished 13th in the East last season. Yes, they have a new (and better) coach. That's not going to cut it in an Eastern Conference where almost every cellar team improved in leaps and bounds.

Prediction: Hold on to your hats, folks. I'm going to put the knife in 'em and say the Bruins will finish dead last in the East this season. Everyone in the conference save for the Islanders has either significantly improved or was already better than Boston. It's going to be a long year.

The best looking ice girls in Boston
As far as I can tell, the Bruins don't actually have any ice girls. I'm not entirely sure if anyone in Boston even cares about the Bs anymore, either. So, to try and make this as little of a stretch as possible, as you probably know, Jennifer Garner is a fan of that other team in Boston that everybody does care about, the Red Sox.


Previous Editions of Preseason Foreplay

• Atlanta Thrashers - August 15th
• Chicago Blackhawks - August 24th
  
• Columbus Blue Jackets - August 22nd
  
• Dallas Stars - August 13th
• Florida Panthers - August 26th
  
• New Jersey Devils - August 19th
  
• Phoenix Coyotes - August 14th
• Tampa Bay Lightning - August 18th

* - probably not actually endorsed by the Bruins. Maybe, but it's not likely.

Cuthbert and Avery are no more. I know, you're crushed.

She was in Old School. That's really all you need in a woman.

I'm sorry to report tragic news like this so late in the day since I know we are all going to lose lots of sleep over it, but apparently, Elisa Cuthbert and the Rangers' Sean Avery have broken up. Now, I know what you're thinking, and let me tell you, there is no reason to jump off that rooftop you so quickly ran up. It's going to be OK. Everything is going to be alright.

Mommy and Daddy are having some trouble right now, but everything is going to be OK. Daddy promised to never hit Mommy again and Mommy said she won't have any more Jack and Coke after 10pm on Mondays and every other Wednesday.

Sorry. I don't know where that came from.

Seriously, though. Take some NyQuil or whatever else will knock you out pretty good (keep it legal, kids) so that you can overcome this tradgedy and get some sleep tonight. I know, I know. It's going to be tough. In this time of despair and pain, we need to stay strong. Stay. Strong.

Thanks to the FanHouse for breaking this.

The Best of Rick Jeanneret

If you have ever watched a Buffalo Sabres game on TV (and I'm talking about the local feed), then you've certainly heard the uncanny, exciting and sometimes incoherent Rick Jeanneret. Jeanneret has been the Sabres play-by-play man since 1971. He started on the radio, and moved to TV for the 1995-96 season. Jeanerret has some of the best, most unique and exciting calls in the business, which is exactly why he's been in the business for so long.

Love him or loathe him he's certainly one of the most colorful characters out there, and he's a hell of a lot better to listen to than Doc Emerick who, by the way, still doesn't realize that there's a different between doing play-by-play on the radio and doing it on television. But seriously, he's a sweet old man; how could you possibly loathe him? Not to mention the guy gets more excited for a Sabres' goal than most people do for the birth of a child. You've got to love it. Anyway, thanks to YouTube here are some of the best calls from Jeanneret, and if you check out his Wikipedia page, there is much more goodness.

2007 Eastern Conference Semis; Rangers vs. Sabres, Game 5
Chris Drury ties its up in the closing seconds and everyone including Jeanneret absolutely loses it.


Daniel Briere is the cookie monster... um. Ok.


And I might as well just cut to the chase and give you the Rick Jeanneret Top 10, thanks to Sportscentre.

2007-08 Preseason Foreplay: Florida Panthers

It's a little under seven six five weeks until the 2007-08 NHL season opens in London, England on September 29th (blimey!) and it's time to start previewing the season. I'm starting these season previews really, really early but that's only because there's no way I can write 30 solid previews in only a couple of weeks. If I'm going to preview every single NHL team, and I'm going to try my hardest to do so, it will take all seven weeks and then some... And as you might have guessed, these aren't going to be your standard season previews.

I wonder what's spooked Stanley Panther. TheBestLinks.com

...and today we're moving back to the Southeast Division. I know you're excited. I can barely contain myself.

Quick hits

• Ice Dancer Allie's favorite color is light yellow.
  
• [Insert obligatory joke about how bad the Southeast Division is] The Southeast's new slogan; 'We're not just Carolina and Tampa Bay!'
  
• The Panthers have not made the playoffs for six straight seasons and have not won a playoff series since their magical run to the finals in the spring of 1996. As a matter of fact, they have finished 4th in the Southeast five years running. That has got to be a record of some kind.

Odds for the folks at gambler's anonymous

30 to 1: Tomas Vokoun will break the franchise record for wins in a season (Roberto Luongo, 35 in 2005-06).

3 to 1: Vokoun will not be as drunk as Eddie Belfour on road trips.


Obligatory serious analysis

The Panthers didn't make it onto my list of the Top 5 Most Improved Teams this summer, but maybe they should have been on there. They added Richard Zednik and Radek Dvorak, while acquiring one of the best goalies in the Western Conference last season (despite injury), Tomas Vokoun from the fire sale that is the Nashville Predators. To add to that, the Panthers re-signed their major free agents to monster deals, including Nathan Horton (6 years/$24 million), Jozef Stumpel (2 years/$4.5), Bryan Allen (5 years/$14.5) and Stephen Weiss (6 year/18.6). The Panthers have established who their core players are, that's for sure.

The lone downside to the offseason has been the loss of forwards Martin Gelinas and Chris Gratton, who combined for 79 points in 161 games last season. That being said, the Panthers will be returning 10 players who notched at least 29 points last season. Add Dvoark and Zednik to the mix and their offense shouldn't miss a beat. Last season, the Panthers led the Southeast in scoring and were 5th in the Eastern Conference. As you might expect, the reason they finished so low in the standings was a lack of defense, which was due in large part to the loss of goaltender Roberto Luongo. With the addition of Vokoun, the Panthers have almost completely filled the gap left by Luongo. Add another year of experience to their young defenders, and this team is going to be in playoff contention come April.

Prediction: The Panthers are going to be in the thick of things come playoff time, but I think they'll finish just short; 9th place in the East.

The best looking ice girls in Florida
Chicago owns Florida in this category. So, I'll just show you some more Blackhawk Girls.


Previous Editions of Preseason Foreplay

• Atlanta Thrashers - August 15th
• Chicago Blackhawks - August 24th
  
• Columbus Blue Jackets - August 22nd
  
• Dallas Stars - August 13th
• New Jersey Devils - August 19th
  
• Phoenix Coyotes - August 14th
• Tampa Bay Lightning - August 18th

Justin Timerblake Plays LA King in Surprisingly Realistic Role

Hooray for Creepy Photoshopped Images!

If you haven't heard by now, Mike Myers has a new, lame movie in the works. And it's just our luck, too; it's going to involve a hockey player portrayed by Justin Timberlake. Now that's how to make a box office hit! Of course, by "box office hit" I mean movie that is probably going to rival Gigli for it's spot on the "we would be better off if this had never existed" list.

Anyway, as the folks at Battle of California pointed out today, Timberlake is going to be playing for the Los Angeles Kings in the movie. Sucks to be you, Kings Fans. But really, is this role that far from the truth? Isn't this (pictured right) what we imagine a Kings fan's wet dream to be?

Kidding, just kidding.

Seriously, though. If I had to pick a team that would fit Justin Timberlake perfectly, it would be the Kings, hands down. I don't know why. It just would be.

This is definetly going to be one of those things that Kings fans will have an awful lot of trouble living down. Ex-Boy Band Member and Current Metrosexual Pop Sensation portrays one of your own He-Man Masculine Hockey Players in a big Hollywood movie? Ouch. That's gonna leave a mark.

All that can really be salvaged out of all this is that Timberlake will be co-starring with Jessica Alba in the movie. Hell. Yeah.

2007-08 Preseason Foreplay: Chicago Blackhawks

It's a little under seven six five weeks until the 2007-08 NHL season opens in London, England on September 29th (blimey!) and it's time to start previewing the season. I'm starting these season previews really, really early but that's only because there's no way I can write 30 solid previews in only a couple of weeks. If I'm going to preview every single NHL team, and I'm going to try my hardest to do so, it will take all seven weeks and then some... And as you might have guessed, these aren't going to be your standard season previews.

This picture is just really, really confusing. I guess what is does prove, though, is that Bill Wurtz really is part of the evil empire. SandTroopers.com

This is the time of year where Hawks fans try to convince themselves that they have a shot, and the rest of us are left to wonder why they bother. No matter which side of the fence you're on, the Hawks are, indeed, an NHL team. Thus, I am forced to write a season preview for them.

Quick hits

• Chicago Ice Crew girl/member/person Adrienne cannot live without "tinted moisturizer." Whatever the hell that is.
  
• You probably knew this already, but the Blackhawks have the longest Cup drought in the NHL (1961). That is, unless the Senators count.
• The team has also not won a playoff series since the 1995-96 season. That is the second longest drought in the league, behind only the New York Islanders (sigh).
  

Odds for the folks at gambler's anonymous

2 to 1: Patrick Kane sleeps with at least two ice girls.

8 to 1: At the end of the season, I still won't know how to pronounce the last names of Niklas Hjalmarsson and Dustin Byfuglien.

50 to 1: The Hawks actually do make the playoffs.


Obligatory serious analysis

On July 30th, I dubbed the Hawks the fifth most improved team in the NHL this summer, slightly edging out the Washington Captials. I'm sticking with that assessment, and still believe that the Hawks are one of the league's most improved teams coming into the season. That being said, I still can't see them in the playoffs. Despite large improvement, teams very rarely go from worst to first, and the Hawks are no exception. They finished in the basement of the Central Division and were the third worst team in the West last season. They'll improve and probably jump over the Blue Jackets, but I can't see them eeking out a playoff spot just yet.

Robert Lang will prove to be a big acquistion, and if Sergei Samsonov can somehow turn things around (which he won't) the Hawks will make a small climb up the standings. Add a healthly Martin Havlat, and an impact from Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews, you would almost think the Hawks have a very serious corps of forwards. It's still a far cry from the rest of the conference, though. Last year, the team scored the second fewest goals in the NHL and there really isn't any depth in the forward ranks at all.

The Hawks defense was also suspect last season, but the blueline situation is looking up thanks to young guns Brent Seabrook and Duncan Keith. Yes, Adrian Aucoin is gone, but he missed 81 games due to injury in only two years in the Windy City.

Don't forget about Nikolai Khabibulian in net, either. He may have had a down year in 2006-07, but he is still as good as they come.

Prediction: Improved? Certainly. Playoff bound? No way. The Hawks will slip in with the 10th spot out West.

The best looking ice girls in Chicago
All of them.


Previous Editions of Preseason Foreplay

• Atlanta Thrashers - August 15th
• Columbus Blue Jackets - August 22nd
  
• Dallas Stars - August 13th
• New Jersey Devils - August 19th
  
• Phoenix Coyotes - August 14th
• Tampa Bay Lightning - August 18th

New Senators Logo Not to Be Confused with Trojan Man

That's not exactly what his mom had in mind when she told Billy to stay in school. (C) University of Southern California

Today, the Ottawa Senators unveiled a new, bigger, brighter logo and jersey design. By my estimation, it's about 32% manlier than their older jerseys. If you want a more visual representation of that statistic, I would say that it now bears a much closer resemblance to Russell Crowe's character in Gladiator than Orlando Bloom's character in, well, any character played by him.

Living over a thousand miles away from Ottawa and being an unpaid blogger have their drawbacks. Namely, I was not able to attend the Senators press conference today in which the new jerseys were unveiled. So, as a service to you the loyal viewer, I am going to attempt to summarize what I imagine occurred at the press conference today as if I was a real, paid journalist.

Ottawa (BMR) -- The Senators have jumped on the proverbial bangwagon, and are doing what all the kids are doing these days. No, they're not huffing fumes from various aerosols. They're buying all the hot, new fall fashions to get ready for school the new NHL season.

In an effort to look 'mad pimp' and 'fly' for all the bitches n' hos, the Senators have redesigned their jersey and logo. While the new look certainly has some fans, not all are so pleased. Martha Smith from Watchamacallit, Ontario did not feel the new look was appropriate. 'The new jerseys look like that guy on the condoms box,' she said. 'Is this really what we want our children to be parading around in?'

The Senators on the other hand, were quick to dismiss that notion.

When asked if the logo looked similar to the Trojan Man, Senators intern Joey didn't buy into the theory. 'I think it looks a lot like Jason Spezza,' Joey said. 'When Spezza gets mad, that's kind of what it looks like. He gets kinda pale and angry, with a side of constipation. I think they were trying to model it after him.'

But no matter what the logo may look like, it's clear that the Senators were trying to distance themselves from their in-province rivals, the Toronto Maple Leafs. Said Senators GM Bryan Murray, 'we're really trying to distance ourselves from our in-province rivals, the Toronto Maple Leafs, with these jerseys.' Mr. Murray went on to describe the Maple Leafs jerseys as 'totally weakass' and meantioned that 'maybe if they looked tougher, [Toronto] would win the division once in a while.'

Reports out of Toronto say that the MLSE is planning to launch an attack against the Anaheim Ducks, to make the infiedels and their GM 'pay for his comments'.

The University of Southern California Trojan is also not pleased with the design. A siege on Ottawa is currently in the works, once he recieves a US passport in approximately 3-6 months.

See? I think I could do this whole MSM journalist thing.

2007-08 Preseason Foreplay: Columbus Blue Jackets

It's a little under seven six weeks until the 2007-08 NHL season opens in London, England on September 29th (blimey!) and it's time to start previewing the season. I'm starting these season previews really, really early but that's only because there's no way I can write 30 solid previews in only a couple of weeks. If I'm going to preview every single NHL team, and I'm going to try my hardest to do so, it will take all seven weeks and then some... And as you might have guessed, these aren't going to be your standard season previews.

Vinyl hockey pucks. What will they think of next? Prizes1.com

Quick hits

• If you thought that John MacLean being the Devils all-time leading scorer was odd, then you haven't seen anything yet. The Blue Jackets' all-time leading scorer is David fucking Vyborny.
  
• Fredrik Norrena was the first netminder in team history to finish with a winning record. He was 24-23-3 last season.
  
• The BJs play at Nationwide Arena. Little known fact; it actually does stretch across the entire nation.
• Molly, from the Pepsi Power Patrol, enjoys going on walks and meeting new people. Good to know.
• What does Molly like best about Blue Jackets games, you ask? "Winning," she says. Of course, that's what we all love about the Blue Jackets. The unbelieveable amounts of winning that goes on.
  

Odds for the folks at gambler's anonymous

20 to 1: The BJs actually do make the playoffs this year.

7 to 1: Mike Peca wishes he took more time to decide on an employer.

150,000 to 1: Congress replaces the American flag with the new BJs jersey.


Obligatory serious analysis

Well, the good thing is that you can't say that the Blue Jackets for not trying. After all, they have played a full 82 games in each year of their existence. What they do at those games, is a different story. The team has never made the playoffs, but to their credit, they are making improvements.

Last season the Blue Jackets finished in 11th place in the Western Conference as it was their season best season in history, in terms of points. They earned 73 points, one shy of the franchise record of 74 set two years ago. Bringing in Ken Hitchcock to coach last season is no doubt a plus for the franchise, as is getting rid of Doug MacLean. The on ice product leaves much to be desired. Today, the BJs added Mike Peca, which is a good move but not one that will solidify that illusive playoff berth. What Peca will do though, is add veteran leadership and, if things go well for Peca and not the team, he could provide some trade value at the deadline. The team has also added Kris Beech, Jiri Novotny and Sheldon Brookbank. That's not exactly going to get it done, as none of those names scare opposing teams. The up side is that Anders Ericksson and Brian Boucher are the biggest names that the team has lost this off season.

Two of the most important players to the success of the team this season will undoubtedly be forward Rick Nash and goaltender Fredrik Norrena. Nash played only 54 games two years ago, but managed to net 54 points. He was not able to keep up the torrid pace last season (74 games, 57 points), and it's obvious that as Nash goes, so goes the Blue Jackets. They'll be looking for him to step up even more in his 5th full NHL season. Norrena won the role as starter last season from Pascal Leclaire, but managed only a .908 save percentage and a 2.78 GAA. There's no doubt about it that he isn't getting any help from his defenders, but if he can improve, his play alone could help offset an inexperienced and below average defensive corps.

Prediction: The BJs will have their best season in team history... and still miss the playoffs. I'm seeding them in the 10th spot out West.

The best looking ice girls in New Jersey
Sorry, no ice girls today. Please accept this image in their absence.


Just kidding.

Previous Editions of Preseason Foreplay

• Atlanta Thrashers - August 15th
  
• Dallas Stars - August 13th
• New Jersey Devils - August 19th
  
• Phoenix Coyotes - August 14th
• Tampa Bay Lightning - August 18th

Mike Peca Chooses... Columbus! WTF??

Canadian Bobblehead Peca is not excited. OnlineSports.com

The verdict is in and Mike Peca has chosen to sign a contract for the upcoming season with... the Columbus Blue Jackets. I haven't been following the situation all that closely, but given all the rumors swirling around Peca and the New York Rangers, this move is a little surprising to say the least. And as you can obviously see, playing for a contender was not a high priority for Peca.

Here's some reaction from the internets...

Battle of New York

"Glen Sather opted to pass on signing Peca, and I for one feel it is a good non-signing. Leaving the cap room available should we acquire a defenseman is the first good thing that comes from this. Second, should Hosaa not be on the top line, replaced by Straka, it gives some kids a chance to compete for the third line center position."

Eric McErlain at the FanHouse

"...adding Peca to a team in search of an identity like Columbus seems like a no-brainer. Then again, one wonders just how long Peca will stay. No matter how much Columbus might improve this year, nobody has them projected to be a playoff contender, and it would make sense if Peca was simply looking for a safe place to re-establish his reputation on the ice ahead of next Spring's trade deadline."

James Mirtle

"In any event, this franchise has to make some sort of a move toward playoff contention in the near future, and I can't see it happening this season — even though there've been some strides on the blue line and in goal. Goal scoring remains the team's Achilles' heel and Peca doesn't help there."

Remembering A Team 96.6% Of Us Were Not Fans Of

Updates are kinda of tough to do right now. I'm away from home, and the internet connection that I'm struggling with is a little shoddy to say the least. Half of the websites that I try to visit load perfectly and half of them don't, so I'm not sure how often things are going to be updated around here the next few days. I promise everything will be back to normal by the end of the week.

Here's some fodder for the Penguins fans out there, or to put it more aptly, something for the fans of the teams that I neglect by never posting about. Statistically speaking, more than 96% of you probably don't care at all about the Penguins (29/30 duh). And to you I say, screw you. The good folks over at The Pens Blog and Doubt About It put together a recap of some of the best quotes from the Pens championship videos from the early 90s. The references to Craig Patrick's genius and Frank Pieterangelo will send you into one hell of a time warp. I promise.

The FanHouse also has a good article up about some problems that Islanders owner Charles Wang may be facing. The Islanders having a solid, trustworthy owner who would spend the money needed to compete; you knew it was probably too good to be true.

Off-Season Journal, Day 75: Which Canadian Team Will Choke Next June?

Christ, please tell me all Flames fans look like this. Source

It has happened three years in a row. One fledgling Canadian team has singlehandedly captured the hopes and dreams of the entire nation with a brilliant run to the Stanley Cup finals. Each time, those hope and dreams have come crashing down like something that crashes and burns really, really well. The Hindenburg comes to mind. So does the monk in that famous picture.

You get the point. The Flames made a run in 2004, the Oilers had their 15 minutes of fame in 2006 and the Senators got pwned this year.

While all of us Americans sit around and twiddle our thumbs in June because we can't possibly be bothered to rally around some team from a God-knows-where small market that we've never heard of, Canadians are banding together each summer in the hopes that they can recover what has been stolen taken from them. I'm talking about the Stanley Cup, of course.

We Americans really can't get behind these types of things. I mean, since when has Canada stolen anything from us? That's besides the fact that we just don't like to 'rally together'. Not since Woodstock, anyway.

I'm sure all the Canadian readers know exactly where I'm going with this. Today I'm going to take a look at the chances that one of the eight seven six Canadian teams left in the NHL will make a sweet Cup run, only to give their fans the distinct feeling of get stabbed in the heart when their team comes up short.

Not a snowball's chance in hell: Edmonton Oilers
Kevin Lowe's newest incarnation of the Oilers isn't going to get to the playoffs this year. I'm going to make no bones about it. This team fell flat on their faces the second Ryan Smyth walked out the door -- and he's not coming back anytime soon. Joni Pitkanen, Sheldon 'Swiss Cheese' Souray and Dustin Penner have been brought in to try and fix things, but I can't fathom the Oilers making the playoffs in what has been the better conference in recent years. There's a big gap out West between the haves and the have-nots, and right now the Oilers are still a have-not.

Ask me again later: Calgary Flames
The Flames finished eighth in the Western Conference last season, and I can't see them finishing much higher this season. They're not totally out of the running for this illustrious prize, though. The Oilers were able to make their 2006 run from the 8th playoff spot, so there's no doubt that the Flames could very well do the same. In fact, the Flames made their Finals run in 2004 from the sixth spot. If they do come up in eighth, don't count them out, but it's certainly going to be an uphill battle.

One of the most interesting story lines in Calgary this season (other than Mike Keenan) will be the team's revolving door blue line turns out. This summer, the Flames swapped Roman Hamrlik, Andrei Zyuzin and Brad Stuart for Adrian Aucoin, Cory Sarich and Anders Eriksson through various trades and signings. We'll just have to wait and see how things pan out for the Flames.

You Again? Booooooring: Ottawa Senators
The Senators won't have another miraculous run this season for one reason; they are old news. No one wants to see the same underdog two years in a row. That's why Mighty Ducks 2 can't hold a candle to the original Mighty Ducks, no matter how good the sequel was. Hell, you're not really even an underdog if you can reach the Finals in consecutive years. The point is; the Senators bandwagon filled up pretty fast last June, and there's no way that will happen again if they make another run this June. It's just not the cool thing to do.

The Wily Veteran: Vancouver Canucks
If you can remember back far enough, the Canucks made their own special run to the Finals before that sort of thing was popular. In the 1993-94 season, they finished 2nd in the Pacific Divsion and lost to the Rangers in the Finals in seven games. They have experience in this sort of operation, but they're too good. They finished 3rd last season in the West and are currently trying to lure Peter Forsberg to town. If that happens, they'll be too good to pick. After all, the Flames, Oilers and Senators made their runs from the 6th, 8th and 4th sports, respectively.

The Sexy Pick: Montreal Canadiens
The Habs are dying for a title. They are one of the winningest and most storied franchises in professional sports, having won 24 Stanley Cups, but haven't gotten their hands on one since 1993. The curse of Patrick Roy? Possibly.

The Habs finished 10th in the Eastern Conference last season, but were only two points removed from a playoff berth. Their only major loss is Sheldon Souray, and they've added Roman Hamrlik and Patrice Brisebois. Despite playing in a vastly improved conference, the Habs are going to be in the thick of things come playoff time. You might even say that this is their year to make an Oilers-like playoff run. Let's not get ahead of ourselves, though. The Habs are the one team that, historically speaking, would spoil everything and actually win the Cup if they were to make it to the Finals. They have lost in the Finals nine times, but have won 24 times. That high winning percentage makes me believe the Habs actually would come through if they found their way into the Final. They're out. They look good, but with a record like that, I can't pick them.

The Favorite: Toronto Maple Leafs
Let's face it; the Leafs are dying for a Stanley Cup. I wouldn't say things have reached Cubs like proportions, but it's getting close. 1967 might as well be 1908 to them. During the 40 years that the Leafs have gone without a Cup, the Canadiens have won 10 Cups, but I think the fans in Montreal do a good enough job reminding Toronto of that so that I don't have to.

This year won't be Toronto's year, and at the same time it will be. They still have a lot of work to do in order in win a Cup; they are not at the point of loveable losers just yet. It's pretty much a requirement that you get there before any miracles happen to you. Just ask the Boston Red Sox. There's still a whole lot of people in the hockey world who love to see them suffer, and those people will get their fill as the Leafs are my pick for the Canadian team to come up short in the Finals in June 2008.

2007-08 Preseason Foreplay: New Jersey Devils

It's a little under seven weeks until the 2007-08 NHL season opens in London, England on September 29th (blimey!) and it's time to start previewing the season. I'm starting these season previews really, really early but that's only because there's no way I can write 30 solid previews in only a couple of weeks. If I'm going to preview every single NHL team, and I'm going to try my hardest to do so, it will take all seven weeks and then some... And as you might have guessed, these aren't going to be your standard season previews.

Retro Devils. Creepy stuff.

It's time to take a break from beating on the SouthLeast Division (haha get it? I'm soooo clever), so today we continue the preseason stimulation with the New Jersey Devils.

Quick hits

• John MacLean is the Devils all-time leading scorer. Seriously.
  
• New Jersey has made the playoffs in 17 of the past 19 season. Impressive, are you.
  
• From the Devils' Wikipedia page: "NJ Devil keeps the crowd excited, signs autographs... and runs throughout the aisles of the Continental Airlines Arena to high five fans." High-fiving fans; that's kind of pathetic to have in your job description, don't ya think? Imagine if my resume said 'Kevin graduated from Yale with an MBA, maintained a 3.5 GPA... and is able to also make calls from a touch tone phone.' One of these things is not like the others.
• Also thanks to the Wikipedia page, here's a fun fact about the Devils' previous mascot: "Prior to 1993, the mascot was "Slapshot", a large Devils hockey puck that would also interact with the fans [Good to know he too can successfully 'interact with fans']. However, the man inside the costume, Brad Patrick Ebben, was fired after he improperly touched three women while in costume. To remove the stigma of the lawsuit, Slapshot was retired and has not returned since [Never mind]."

Odds for the folks at gambler's anonymous

8 to 1: The NJ Devil inappropriately touches Brent Sutter.

25 to 1: In his return to New Jersey, Scott Gomez is booed by all 32 fans in the arena.

3 to 1: In the end, we find out that Lou Lamoriello is, in fact, crazy.

123 to 1: After another sub par season, Marty Brodeur retires from the NHL and takes up his lifelong passion of holding signs.

23 to 1: If it's in the game, it's in the game. That's what they say at EA Sports, and this year Cam Janssen and Bryan Rafalski (since traded) will attempt to do their part to keep EA's motto true during a game.


Obligatory serious analysis

It's been a pretty wild off season in the Atlantic division, and the Devils were not on the good side of that craziness. They lost their #1 defender, Bryan Rafalski, to the Detroit Red Wings and arguably their #1 forward, Scott Gomez, to their cross river rivals, the New York Rangers. They lost Brad Lukowich, too, but that's not really too important. All in all, it's been a down off season for the defending Atlantic Division champs.

Not all is lost, though. The Devils brought in Brent Sutter to coach the team, and hopefully for them he can transfer his success in the WHL to the NHL. That is, as long as Lou Lamoriello doesn't fire him first. If you're not familiar with Sweet Lou, he has a happy trigger finger when it comes to firing coaches. New Jersey also brought in some new faces on the ice to try and offset the loss on Gomez and Rafalski. They locked up Dainus Zubrus to a massive six-year, $20 million dollar contract, and bolstered their D by adding Karel Rachunek and Vitali Vishnevski. Recently, they added former Islander Arron Asham to add some depth to their corps of forwards. As it stands right now, the Devils are going to be a different team than the one you have seen in recent seasons, but there is no reason to doubt that they can contend for the division title yet again. After all, they've won the Atlantic seven of the previous ten years. But this is going to be their toughest test yet, as the Penguins, Flyers and Rangers have all improved significantly.

Prediction: Hold on, New Jersey. It's going to be a roller coaster ride. I'm picking the Devils to finish last in the 6th spot in the east, but it's not going to be easy.

The best looking ice girls in New Jersey

As far as I know, there are sadly no ice girls in New Jersey. That's probably because Lou Lamoriello fired them all. Now that I think about it, it's probably for the better. After all, Jersey girls don't really have the best reputations.

Anyway, I put 'jersey girls' into Google, and this is what happened:

Sorry. Hope I didn't blind any of you.

Previous Editions of Preseason Foreplay

• Atlanta Thrashers - August 15th
  
• Dallas Stars - August 13th
  
• Phoenix Coyotes - August 14th
• Tampa Bay Lightning - August 18th
  

2007-08 Preseason Foreplay: Tampa Bay Lightning

It's a little under seven weeks until the 2007-08 NHL season opens in London, England on September 29th (blimey!) and it's time to start previewing the season. I'm starting these season previews really, really early but that's only because there's no way I can write 30 solid previews in only a couple of weeks. If I'm going to preview every single NHL team, and I'm going to try my hardest to do so, it will take all seven weeks and then some... And as you might have guessed, these aren't going to be your standard season previews.

I'm not entirely sure why the bee is on the bike. But it is. (C) Tampa Bay Lightning

Now it's time for a visit to the wonderful world of misguided expansion locations; Florida!

Quick hits

• Tampa Bay does not appreciate high save percentages.
  
• [Insert obligatory joke about how bad the Southeast Division is] In Southeast division, merchandise buys you!
  
• Tampa Bay got new owners this off-season, including Doug MacLean. Sorry, Tampa. He's your problem now.
  
• Ok, ok. Last horrible joke. Promise. In Southeast division, hockey plays you!

Odds for the folks at gambler's anonymous

4.5 to 1: The Tampa Bay's Ice Girls are some of the best in the NHL.

Guaranteed to happen: There are at least 10 separate rumors of St. Louis/Richards/Lecavalier trades, and yet all three will remain with the Bolts through the end of the season.

10 to 1: You will forget at some point during the season that the Lightning have, in fact, won more Stanley Cups in the last 10 years than Montreal, Toronto, Philadelphia, the Rangers and Edmonton combined.


Obligatory serious analysis

When it comes to their corps of forwards, the Lightning have some of the best in the Eastern Conference. Their top three of Lecavalier, Richards and St. Louis is one of the best top three in the game, and they get support from defender Dan Boyle, one of the best offensive defense men out there.

The problem is, there isn't a whole lot left to the team after those four and help may not be on it's way. The team has about $23.5 million in cap space used up on those four players alone, which is almost half of their cap space. As you might expect, the rest of the cupboard is pretty bare. Filip Kuba and Vaclav Prospal are solid second tier players, but there really isn't much else there. The team is also going to be dealing with the loss of two big (and I do mean BIG) defenders, 6-foot-3 Cory Sarich and 6-foot-4 Luke Richardson. The team brought in Brad Lukowich to try and fill the gap, but let's face it, Lukowich is only one man.

In net, things aren't much better. The tandem of Johan Holmqvist and Marc Denis can, well... They're really good at standing between the pipes. The combined to start every game for the Bolts last season, and also combined for a GAA a hair over 3 and a save percentage of .888. That's not going to get it done if Tampa wants to win the Southeast. But then again, it is the Southeast.

Prediction: The defense just isn't going to be there, and with much of the conference improved, I'd venture to guess that the Bolts will fall in at about the 10th spot.

The best looking ice girls in Tampa

Ice Girl referees; how did no one think of this sooner?


Previous Editions of Preseason Foreplay

• Atlanta Thrashers - August 15th
  
• Dallas Stars - August 13th
  
• Phoenix Coyotes - August 14th
  

Things That Make My Eyes Bleed

I'm not really familiar with this whole speed stacking thing, but you still have to appreciate how "physically gifted" this "athlete" is. That being said, I'm pretty sure it would take me 10 minutes to do that, so I can't really playa hate.



Nice job kid, you have a bright future. I hear this industry is booming.

Q & A with Mr. Cup, Stanley Cup

Now that's some crunk shit y'all. Lil Jon Online

Three posts on a Friday? What is wrong with me. Anyway, I wanted to pull out the 'way back' machine and go all the way back to... July 3rd. That day I posted an article about how unbelievably ridiculous it is for the NHL to feign the Stanley Cup's ability to talk and thus, give it it's own blog.

Well today, I'm going to go all Larry Brooks on your asses and pose some questions to Mr. Cup. I'm too afraid to ask these to Mr. Cup's face, both out of respect for the oldest trophy in sports and an underlying fear that a karate chop to the head from a metal object hurts a heck of a lot more than one from an actual human being. So, I'm going to imagine what an interview with Mr. Cup would be like instead. It's a fun exercise in internal conversations.

Let's get to it.

BMR: Thanks for taking the time to talk with me today, Mr. Cup.

Stanley Cup: Ain't nothin' playa. Ain't nothin'. Please, call me CG.

BMR: What's CG? Is that a nickname?

CG: It's mah street name, yo. Stands for Crunk Goblet Masta Flex! CG for short... West side Sheffield representin' y'all! Holla.

BMR: Sounds, um, sweet... Yo.

CG: Damn right, son. Damn. Right. Lemmie hear all the bitches 'n hos out there in cybaspaaaaaaaace! Holla atcha boy.

Bitches n hos: HOLLA!!

BMR: What the --

CG: Mmm, mmm. Those are some tasty lookin' mamas, boy. Know what I'm sayin'?

BMR: I think I follow. Ladies is pimps too. That's what the kids say, at least. Well, I've got a lot of questions for you, CG... There are so many places to start. How about this one: why is it that it seems as if you get lost at an airport on the way to an appearance every other week?

CG: That ain't none of yo' business. Look, I'm a very important person. I've got a lot of things to do. It's no fun to disappoint mah fans, but you have to understand that I'm a human being too, and things do, um, pop up unannounced. Know what I'm sayin'?

BMR: Oh I do, CG. I do.

CG: Now if I may interject for a moment...

BMR: Certainly.

CG: I wanted to say that Sebastien Caron has one fiiiine little lady. Oh my lord. Know what I'm sayin'? We did some things that you should --

BMG (interrupts): Ok, ok. We can't get too graphic on here, CG. But yes, I do know exactly what you're saying. That's one tight ass.

CG: Mmm! Mmm!

BMR: Now if you don't mind, let's play a game. This or That. I'll list two people or things, and you say which one you prefer.

CG: Sounds good playa. I'm all ears.

BMR: Ok, first one. Tupac or Biggie?

CG: Biggie, son. He's real as they come. He got shot. He's dead. End of story. Tupac? I don't know what that cat is doin, man. He's dead. Now, he's alive and he's putting out new albums every week. That cat is crazy. And I'm telling you he is alive. That is some weak sauce if I've ever seen it. You gotta be straight up with CG, man. Straight. Up.

BMR: Old school or new school?

CG: Oh, that's a good one. New school is fly, like they got all that ghost ridin' shit, man. It's awesome. Gotta show love to your elders, though. They paved the way for all of us, know what I'm sayin? And I miss some of those old dynasties, too. Wayne Gretzky, Billy Smith, Rocket Richard. Those Cats knew how to par-tay!

BMR: Off Wing Opinion or James Mirtle?

CG: God, you had to do that to me. Now you know I don't want to mess with no Dog the Bounty Hunter kinda shit. Next question.

BMR: Alien or Predator?

CG: Alien hands down. That is one scary motha fucka.

BMR: East coast or West coast?

CG: No coast. North side North America; I'm talkin bout Canada, son! Not the United States. Not the west coast. Canada! We talkin bout Canada!

BMR: And of course, the Godfather Trilogy or Goodfellas?

CG: Godfather. It ain't a trilogy for nothing.

BMR: That's it. Thanks for taking the time out of your busy schedule for BMR, CG.

CG: Ain't nothin' playa. Ain't nothin'. You stay fly.

Reason to Live Until Next Season #5

I will not mail in the Friday post... I will not mail in the Friday post... Shit. Too late.

The summer months can be long, hot and boring. In hockey terms -- the summer sucks. Beach season is great and all, but it's also a reminder that hockey is still far, far away. Hockey fans, this summer, please try and keep your sanity. To help you survive the long summer months, I'll be taking the time to remind you of the reasons why it's a good idea to make sure you live to see next season. Please, don't do anything rash this summer.

Reason to Live #5: Because your arch rival needs a good whoopin'

It might be a Monday night in the middle of January when your team is in last place, and your chances for a playoff spot are about as good as my chances of getting into Jessica Alba's pants. Somehow, I don't think she likes the pasty white blogger type. But all of that doesn't matter tonight -- your team's arch nemesis is in town and all you can think about is beating the ever loving snot out of them.

In last place?

Sold off all of your superstars at the trade deadline?

Cold and depressing weather outside?

Wife taped over your copy of the Miracle on Ice?

No problem... That is, as long as your boys win tonight. Tonight, all of that doesn't matter as long as you earn bragging rights. It'll be so sweet tomorrow at work when that dweeb from IT will finally shut up about how good the Maple Leafs are and how this is 'their year' because your Habs took them to the cleaners last night.

Here are some pretty sweet rivalry brawls (and one goal) to get the blood flowing...

Leafs/Habs

Flames/Oilers


Red Wings/Avs


Islanders/Rangers

Everything I Wanted to Say About NHL 08 and More

Well I was planning to post something about EA Sports' newest video game incarnation, NHL 08, but the guys at Melt Your Face Off beat me to it, and did a hell of a job in the process. So basically, just head over there and check out their post on the subject. Cue the polite golf clap.

Here's an excerpt:

"Create a Play. Possibly the most intriguing new tweak of NHL ‘08 is the create a play feature. Although this may be enjoyable for some folks, I will personally stick with Jacques Lemaire’s “Dump The Puck And Chase” play; not only for it’s dynamic scoring possibilities but also for its entertaining game play. If you think it’s riveting to watch it in live action, just wait until you sit in awe watching Marian Gaborik chase the puck into the corner after Pavol Demitra dumps it in the zone in a video game. Now that’s living."

2007-08 Preseason Foreplay: Atlanta Thrashers

It's a little under seven weeks until the 2007-08 NHL season opens in London, England on September 29th (blimey!) and it's time to start previewing the season. I'm starting these season previews really, really early but that's only because there's no way I can write 30 solid previews in only a couple of weeks. If I'm going to preview every single NHL team, and I'm going to try my hardest to do so, it will take all seven weeks and then some... And as you might have guessed, these aren't going to be your standard season previews.

Pascal DuP-WWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! (C) Atlanta Thrashers

As it turns out, the Kings and Sharks don't have ice girls, ice dancers or any form of ice cheerleader women. I also think it's too early in the game to preview the defending Cup Champs, so today we move out of the Pacific Division and preview the first Eastern Conference team of this feature, the Atlanta Thrashers. It's hockey in the South, eh.

Quick hits

• This is the first post at BMR entirely devoted to the Thrashers. Way to be irrelevant, guys.
  
• [Insert obligatory joke about how bad the Southeast Division is] The Southeast is so bad, Teemu Selanne can beat any team in the Southeast by himself while chained to a man eating bear.
• Atlanta; home to players way more relevant in 1999 than they are now such as Steve Rucchin, Bobby Holik and (recently retired) Scott Mellanby.
  
• The Thrashers motto for the upcoming season: (cue White Goodman voice) "Fuckin' Keith Tkachuk."

Odds for the folks at gambler's anonymous

3 to 1: The Thrashers' uniforms continue to look hideous for another year.

11,125 to 1: Georgia declares the Thrasher the state bird and hockey the state sport.

5 to 1: That this actually happens during the Canucks/Thrashers game on February 7th, 2008.


Obligatory serious analysis

Last year was a banner year for the Thrashers, as it resulted in their first ever playoff birth and first ever Southeast Division title. That was all only a year late, after GM Don Waddell guarenteed a playoff spot in the 2005-06 season. He was only one year off, and frankly that's a lot better prognostication than anything I can do.

The Thrashers were given a tough run last season from the then defending Cup Champs, the Carolina Hurricanes, and the same may be true this season. Additionally, the Washington Capitals have made some serious improvements and will be looking to take home the division crown for the first time since the 2000-01 season (Adam Oates, Ulf Dahlen and Peter Bondra... ah, the memories). It's not going to be easy for the Thrashers this season, but I believe that they can bring home the bacon. While they did lose Keith Tkachuk and Greg de Vries to free agency, the team is for the most part unchanged from last season, and the addition of Ken Klee should help fill the hole that de Vries has left.

One of the main concerns for the Thrashers is their young players. Ilya Kovalchuk had a 98 point year in 2005-06, but his production fell to 76 points last season despite playing in all 82 games. The T-Birds are going to need Kovalchuk to turn things around this year, that much is for sure. Of course, another 100 point season from Marian Hossa would be nice, too. Another young gun the Thrashers will be looking towards is Keri Lehtonen, their stud goaltender. Lehtonen stepped into the role of a full time starter and was unbelieveably streaky, and posted all four of his shutouts prior to December 1st. If Lehtonen continues to progress, he's going to look awfully scary to opposing forwards in the coming years. The Thrashers need Lehtonen and Kovlachuk to step it up this year, and if the kids can deliver, the Birds will be bringing home another Southeast title.

Prediction: It's going to be everything but easy for the Thrashers, but I believe they can win a very weak Southeast again this year, giving them the #3 slot in the East.

The best looking ice girls in Atlanta

Who doesn't like a southern belle?

They're called the Aaron's Dream Machines. That's officially the worst name for NHL cheerleaders yet.

New Islander Jerseys! FIRST LOOK!

You knew it had been way too long since I posted about the greatest hockey team in the world, the New York Islanders. Well, as it just so happens I have gotten a sneak peek at the newest version of the Islander jerseys. The part of the internets that Islander fans call home has been all in a tizzy with anticipation, and well, you can thank me later guys.

Without any further ado, I present to you the jerseys that the New York Islanders will be wearing on opening night!






I promise to try and post something intelligent tomorrow.

UPDATE: Haha... Yeah. About that. Actual new jerseys linked here.

Your Obligatory Link Dump

As regular readers of the blog may have noticed, I'm not really a fan of blatant link dumping. I think it has the potential for taking away from the quality of a blog, and in my opinion, it generally bores readers. There is just so much stuff out there, and everybody recaps everything that happens everyday with a link dump post already, I don't feel the need to have random, boring link dumps.

Don't get me wrong -- I'm not saying blogs shouldn't link to each other. Far from it, in fact. I just think that there's a way to do it that not only recognizes someone who takes the time to link to you, or has originally posted an idea/opinion/story, while not bringing down the quality of the piece you are writing. I like to believe that I am pretty okay at this, as I usually try to throw in a whole bunch of links to any long winded post that I write. I don't cite them all at the bottom of a post or write in caps 'HEY LOOK WHERE I GOT THIS FROM!!', but I do try and cite everything that needs to be cited. If I didn't, that would be almost like stealing. I'm not about to steal anything from anyone.

Anyway, the point to all this is that over the last three months there have been quite a few people who have linked to BMR, high fived me, or done something in some way to support the site. They have taken the time to give BMR some props, and it's only right that I do the same for them. Do onto others... You know how it goes.

• Battle of California
• Behind the Jersey
  
• Bethany's Hockey Rants
• Bent Corner
  
• Best Week Ever
  
• Blast Furniss
  
• Chip Ramsey
• DCist
  
• Deadspin
  
• Dear Lord Stanley...
• Deuce of Davenport
  
• Epic Carnival
• First Person Irregular
  
• Foul Balls
  
• From the Cheap Seats
• Islander Mania
  
• House of Georges
• Jackie Manuel's Posse
  
• James Mirtle
• Jesus Hates the Yankees
• NHL FanHouse
  
• Off the Post
• Off Wing Opinion
  
• On the Forecheck
  
• Rangerland.net
  
• Scotty Hockey
• Southeast Shootout
  
• Southern Bohemian Ho(c)key(y)j
• SPORTSbyBROOKS
  
• The Burgh Sports
  
• The Flaming C
  
• ThePensBlog.com
• The Pig Pen
• The Victoria Times
• Trapper Jenn MD
  
• USA Today - Sports Scope
  

Hopefully this list is all inclusive of the people I need to thank, and if someone's left out, just let me know and I'll update it. For those like myself who don't like a daily/weekly/hourly post that link dumps, this might be the last extremely blatant one for a while. But fear not dear bloggers! See that link list on the left hand side? It's gonna be greatly expanded in the near future. Heck, maybe I'll do that when I'm done writing this. And of course, I'll still be hyper linking the shit out of everything and giving props where needed, so it's not like I'm never going to link to anything ever again. Things are just going to go back to normal. The sun will rise tomorrow, the earth will still revolve and I'll still hyper link to kick ass places of interest on these internets.

Now back to your regularly scheduled blogging.

Recoil From Monday's Disaster

This picture makes my ears bleed. Photobucket

It's time to face the facts. That post on Monday about hockey blogging for beginners was the equivalent of a category 5 hurricane around these inconsequential parts of the blog sandbox/area/cage. To say that the reaction was cheeky and irreverent, would probably be a misnomer. Positive and negative praises were thrown around, with the former edging out the victory. That being said, I am amazed at the lack of swear words that came towards my general direction. It was a piece that was supposed to make people laugh, and apparently, that did in fact occur with some success.

One of the issues I wanted to address today was the three people that voted the post down on Ballhype. I really don't care that anyone voted it down. I knew not everyone would like it and if you want to vote it down, then by all means vote it down. If everyone posted positive comments all the time, it'd be a pretty shitty world (+10 to anyone who got that hyperlinked reference). I would imagine, something like the 1960s if everyone and their dog had been high. Oh... wait. Right. That being said, even though Ballhype doesn't show users who voted down posts, I have a sneaking suspicion as to whom it was. It wasn't three people, but one person with three accounts!

You'll get yours Messier! YOU'LL GET YOURS!!!!

And now in case you missed it... Part 2 of the beginner's guide for hockey bloggers as per you, the BMR readers. Best. Comments. Ever. Thanks to all who chimed in on the subject.

"Every blogger should be required to work in the occasional, yet obligatory Super Troopers line." - wufpirate

"You did, however, forget that one out of every ten of your posts should reference Eklund as being a tool. You can't be taken seriously otherwise." - sig

"Don't forget to also mention how you both hate ESPN for not putting up enough highlights on Sportscenter but also mention how much you miss NHL2Night." - BlackCapricorn

"regularly dump on Bettman, including references to his height and mocking comments about the Versus deal" - Mt

"Don't forget... claiming that the referees are, yet also are not, calling enough penalties" -gwyshynski

2007-08 Preseason Foreplay: Phoenix Coyotes

It's a little under seven weeks until the 2007-08 NHL season opens in London, England on September 29th (blimey!) and it's time to start previewing the season. I'm starting these season previews really, really early but that's only because there's no way I can write 30 solid previews in only a couple of weeks. If I'm going to preview every single NHL team, and I'm going to try my hardest to do so, it will take all seven weeks and then some... And as you might have guessed, these aren't going to be your standard season previews.

Phoenix is the only team that condones giant rats. (C) Phoenix Coyotes

Continuing in the Pacific Division, today we check in on the Phoenix Coyotes.

Quick hits

• In case you were wondering, Rick Tocchet is still taking the fall for (I assume) Wayne and Janet Gretzky.
  
• New Coyotes GM Don Maloney says that signing Mike York to a one-year deal was his best move since he brought Kirk Muller to Long Island in 1995.
  
• The Coyotes motto for the upcoming season: "We're not the Arizona Cardinals. Honest."

Odds for the folks at gambler's anonymous

6 to 1: The Coyotes finish in the cellar of the Pacific, and continue to remain completely irrelevant for another year.

10 to 1: Rick Tocchet receives a slap on the wrist and also continues to be completely irrelevant.

20 to 1: Alex Auld regrets his decision by October 28th.


Obligatory serious analysis

To put it bluntly, it's going to be a long year in the desert for 'Yotes fans. After finishing dead last in the Western Conference last season, the team overhauled it's front office. The most notable addition was naming Don Maloney General Manager, but I'm not so convinced that move will bring any serious talent to the team (my thoughts on the matter are here). The off season hasn't spurred much more excitement, save for the selection of stud forward Kyle Turris with the third pick in the draft. If Turris' Beirut habits don't hinder his development, he could be a serious star on the team in no time. The only other good news is that JR's time in the desert appears to be over, which should be a plus considering he never added much to the on-ice product.

That being said, there's not a whole lot of other positive things to say about the former Winnipeg Jets.

The Curtis Joseph experiment appears to be over as the Coyotes have signed David Aebischer and Alex Auld this summer, and still have Mikael Tellqvist on the roster. All this has created a nice backlog of average and below average NHL net minders. Despite the fact that Phoenix is in the same division as Anaheim, I can't help but wonder if Brian Burke will try and sell Maloney on Ilya Bryzgalov if the Auld/Aebischer/Tellqvist experiment doesn't pan out.

The corps of forwards isn't looking much better, save for Shane Doan and Steven Reinprecht. Their biggest offensive signing this off season? Mike freaking York. The same Mike York who put up a -18 rating and 21 points in 66 games last season. That's less than half his career average in a given year. There's really not much else to say about Phoenix's forwards. It's so bad over there, they paid Dave Scatchard to leave. Only Columbus, Chicago and Edmonton scored fewer goals than the Coyotes last season, and none of those teams finished higher than 11th in the divsion.

Prediction: It's going to be a long, long year. My bet is the Coyotes finish last out West again this season.

The best looking ice girls in Phoenix

Twins!

Alternative Blog Subtitles

This is what happens when you Google 'Alternative Blog Subtitles'. Pokemon on crack. Graceland.tv

After that long winded and thought provoking piece of drivel that I dropped like it was hot yesterday, I think it's time for something a little less intelligent. If that's possible. Here's something I've been meaning to post for a while, but never got around to; alternative subtitles for BMR. Feel free to create your own in the comments. I'm sure they will be better than anything I can come up with. After all, those tips for bloggers you guys came up with were pretty darned good.

Barry Melrose Rocks...

Because John Buccigross wasn't available.

If you still think this is actually Barry Melrose, you're not reading hard enough.

The answers Larry Brooks has been searching for all along.

Because somebody had to pay homage to Barry Melrose.

Analysis, rambling and rants from around the NHL (or whatever helps to kill time at work).

When 150 other hockey blogs just aren't enough.

Because somebody has to dumb things down for Maple Leafs fans.

Where dancing fat guys are news.

Because we can't let Mark Messier forget that he is a total fuckhead.

Because no one else makes fun of Kansas City.

If the pictures made sense, we wouldn't be trying hard enough.

Where slanted writing, disgruntled personal attacks, and unconditional bias call home.

2007-08 Preseason Foreplay: Dallas Stars

It's a little under seven weeks until the 2007-08 NHL season opens in London, England on September 29th (blimey!) and it's time to start previewing the season. I'm starting these season previews really, really early but that's only because there's no way I can write 30 solid previews in only a couple of weeks. If I'm going to preview every single NHL team, and I'm going to try my hardest to do so, it will take all seven weeks and then some... And as you might have guessed, these aren't going to be your standard season previews.

The aforementioned chest of Mike Modano. Celebrific

I don't really have any order with which to preview all these teams. With that being said, we're going to start in Dallas. Why? Because it's also completely random, just like having a hockey team in a state that makes you think of oil rigs and cowboys.

Quick hits

• This season Brett Hull has been upgraded from the position of Ambassador of Fun to Special Advisor to Hockey Operations (if that's really an upgrade is debatable). Hull will still remain a Sign of the Apocalypse here at BMR on a part time basis.
  
• The Stars' ECHL affiliate, the Idaho Steelheads, are currently negotiating with the Pittsburgh Steelers for the rights to Steely McBeam. The Central Scouting Bureau ranks McBeam as the 4th best stay at home defender in the United States. A representative of the Steelheads said that McBeam would be an asset to the Steelheads back line because he's already great at backing up others and is great with a stick in his hands. ZING!
• The Stars motto for the upcoming season: "Because you can't watch football on Tuesday and Wednesday nights."

Odds for the folks at gambler's anonymous

3 to 1: the Stars make the playoffs for the 5th straight year

1.5 to 1: I reference Brett Hull's Game Six goal in 1999 at least 10 times over the course of the season.

525 to 1: Mike Modano cheats on Willa Ford by having an orgy with teammates and prostitutes.

1,000,000 to 1: Said cheating is widely publicized by the American media.


Obligatory serious analysis:

Apologies for regurgitating, but I feel I can't say anymore than I did in the Off Season Midterm grades post.

"Sometimes no news is good news. This is not one of those times. The team finished 6th out west last year, but there are some serious questions that still need to be answered. Time is running out on the current incarnation of the Stars to make a serious post season run, as their average age is pushing 30. Mike Modano and Jere Lehtinen aren't getting any younger, and although the team has some nice young players, they can't wait years for them to develop. In my opinion, the team needs to win now and build through free agency, or face rebuilding. The draft didn't help their situation, as the Stars' first selection was the 50th pick. This summer, there was the hope that the team would make a big splash in the free agent market, but that has yet to happen. Adding Todd Fedoruk, is not a franchise altering move. Granted, the Stars aren't far removed from where they were in May. The problem for them is that they haven't made any serious improvements."

The best looking ice girls in Dallas:Meagan

Elizabeth

and the hooker of the bunch; Angela

A Handy Guide for Beginners: Hockey Blogging

A self portrait of your trusty editor. Flickr

On the heels of yesterday's post about BMR's short history, I thought I would drop some knowledge up in this bitch. The last Guidebook I wrote was mildly successful, so hopefully this one turns out to be at least half as good. It's some friendly advice for all those starting out their careers in the hockey blogging industry, but it's not like I'm someone to really give advice on the subject. Whatever. Enjoy.

Do not make fun of James Mirtle and/or Eric McErlain. They are the overlords of the hockey blogosphere/world/box/thing. Thus, if you wanted to call one of them a Bat Shit Crazy Son of a Bitch whose blog is vile trash, it's not a good idea. If said event were to occur, you would have huge, muscular guys with cool sunglasses show up at your house in a matter of minutes whose only agenda would be to "take you down" a la Dog the Bounty Hunter. That is, of course, if you were to do such a dastardly thing.*

Always post lots of random pictures of hot chicks, specifically ice girls. This may not guarantee that your blog gets tons of cheap hits, but it will give you a lot of street cred. You're the cool blogger who doesn't play by the rules! You're not like those MSM sons of bitches who bend to the man. You embrace your true self as a manly blogger who enjoys a tight ass or two or twenty. That being said, if you are of the female hockey blogging persuasion, well, I have no idea what you should do. Post a picture of Mike Modano's chest? I have no clue.

Do name your blog in a fashion that tricks readers who don't look hard enough into thinking you are someone famous and enormously egotistical. You shouldn't take more than two minutes to come up with a snappy, irreverent name either. Names like John Buccigross Rocks and I Am Sean Avery and I Am All That is Man should suffice. See how easy that was? You too can have an awesome blog title.**

Do flame Eklund. That's the 'in' thing to do isn't it? In fact, if you have a sneaking suspicion that he creates rumors simply from the banter on your message board, go ahead and prove it by baiting him into it. It's fun. Promise.

Always post Ballhype "Hype It Up" links on every one of your blog posts. When your readers see that you get a "Hype" of ten on each one of your posts, they'll be throughly impressed. All you have to do for this is to make 10 unique accounts on BallHype. It's that simple.

Do not create posts whose sole purpose is to show your readers all the funny little captions you can come up for stupid pictures. You're not that funny, asshole.

Don't forget to put Google Ads on your blog. Where else can you earn five cents per day for simply voicing your opinions? You'll be a millionaire in 5,500 years no time!

Do write posts about how old your blog is and how you find it so incredibly hard to come up with new content each and every day. Your readers will admire your amazing will to sit by your computer and type each day. Some men fight wars, while still others lead nations, but none of those men (or women) hold a candle to all of us who type for hours on end every single day about sports that, in the end, don't really matter at all.

If at all possible, team up with another blog whose theme is also completely unoriginal so that you can share your content and cross promote. It's not enough to start a blog based on someone else's idea, but you've also got to spread your seed as much as possible. It's not like how ESPN rams Arena Football down our collective throats. Not at all.

This one is mandatory. At least once a week you must reference how completely amusing and at the same time absurd the Cakes and Babies blog is. Let's face it, ideas like these are simply legendary in the blogging world and the incompetent peons you bless with your typed word can't remember more than five sentences at a time.

Do write posts that tell the world how awesome all the other bloggers are and how much you respect their work. They may not understand at first, but when they see their Technorati ranking jump, they'll thank you.

* - It's a compliment worded in jest, guys. Swear. I've got a lot of respect for those guys. There's no need to have Dog kick my ass.
** - Just for the record, and so everything is clear; I didn't name this blog to make people think I was Mr. Melrose. It's a fucking homage damn it.


Seriously. It's all in jest. This blog is supposed to be a funny break from the norm. Pies to the face and that kinda shit. Get it?

It's Been Three Months and Rather Inexplicably, You Still Listen

Has it really only been three months since BMR was born? It feels more like eight years.

Today I want to say thanks to everyone who has stopped by and taken the time to read the drivel I type and send into cyberspace over the past three months. Extra props goes to those who have commented, which proves to me that there are actually people out there looking at the blog, and all those hits on the counter aren't just a figment of my imagination. You're all what makes this place run, because I really wouldn't be doing this if I was just talking to myself. I do that enough as it is.

The truth is, half the time I don't have any idea what to write about on a given day, (as you may have noticed) but hopefully I've entertained you more than I've pissed you off. The season is coming up soon, and I still have no idea how I'm going to go about covering it.

In between nightmares of Fetus, I'm having nightmares about the direction of the blog during the upcoming season. Each month, there seems to be a different theme to the blog. May was basically snide comments and long, well thought out posts. In June that turned into shorter posts and more pictures, followed by July; a month of deranged pictures and almost no coherent thoughts whatsoever. August, well, we will just have to wait and see how this mistake month ends up. From what I can gather, it seems like you fine folks enjoy snide comments sprinkled into post which have coherent, thoughtful analysis. But I'm not really sure. Feel free to voice your opinions in the comments on the subject in the comments or by email.

For a little nostalgia, although I don't think three months ago quite qualifies as nostalgia, let's take a look at some of the best pictures (imo) from the past three months. You can click on each picture to see which post it was part of. My personal favorite is still Kyle Turris playing Beirut.
Side note: If you have any interest in seeing the most viewed posts ever, scroll down to the section on the left sidebar entitled "Best. Mullets. Ever."

Punctuation Mark Signed to Minor League Contract

Check out the recent transactions box on the front page of Yahoo! Sports' NHL section.

Things must not be too good up there in Binghamton if they have to resort to signing periods to fill roster spots. I hear the price of an exclamation point was too steep, so they had to settle for the period.

And here's some ice girls cause it's Friday and there's nothing else to post.

(C) New York Islanders

19 Years and the NHL Hasn't Changed One Bit

AAAAAHHH!!!! IT'S THE STANLEY CUP!!! AAAAAAAHHH!!!! Mike Ridewood/AP

Well, it seems like exactly everyone has felt the need to write a post about the 1988 trade of Wayne Gretzky to Los Angeles. In doing so, everyone also feels the need to beat to death the keen (and I do mean keen) observation that another huge superstar, David Beckham, is making a mildly similar high profile move to LA.

Catch the sarcasm yet?

I'm really not sure what all the hubbub is about. It's been 19 years since this enormous event. Not 10, 20, 25 or some other nice, round number that obligates us to celebrate some contrived, over hyped anniversary.

It's kind of like when Tom Glavine got his 300th win this weekend. It's just a number that people hype up and, at the end of the day, doesn't really matter much. Yes, it is a great celebration of a man who has had a hell of a career, but in the grand scheme of his career, isn't a significant game in the least. But I digress to the more pressing matter at hand.

Ah, yes. It's the 19th anniversary of the Edmonton Oilers trading Wayne Gretzky to the Los Angeles Kings. It's the trade that should have turned LA into a team that would steamroll the West, but instead left them with one Western Conference title Clarence Campbell Conference title to show for three first round picks and 7 1/2 years of service from the greatest player to ever play the game.

From an Oilers perspective, the trade was one of the worst in history (or just one of the worst I can think of) and foreshadowed the small market problems that would escalate in the years following the trade. I'll spare you the details -- you can find them here if you like -- but the trade essentially turned out to be the greatest player ever, a goon (McSorley) and a mediocre veteran (Krushelnyski) getting sent to Los Angeles for $15 million dollars, a young guy who had one great season (Carson), Martin Gelinas and three first rounders who, oh by the way, turned out to be entirely worthless save for Martin Rucinsky. Despite the fact that Gretzky didn't add to his Stanley Cup total during his stay in LA, and Edmonton won in 1990 despite his absence, it was still one of the most lopsided trades in NHL history.

It's hard to describe the magnitude of the impact that this trade had in the NHL. It was so much more than the greatest player in the game shifting teams. It was America stealing Canada's oldest and most beloved son. It was the large market taking from the small market and giving nothing but a bitch slap in return. Most importantly, it was the beginning an era where the NHL tries to sell itself to America in a fashion more desperate than a cheap whore. Putting the best player in the game in the game's biggest market it the oldest marketing trick in the book, and it may have worked to perfection if it were not for the two lockouts, among other things, that followed. This is an era that has seen the NHL all but turn it's back on Canada to sell itself in America and it all began not with a bang but with a giant fucking meteor of a trade.

The funny thing about all this, and I guess one of the reasons why everyone is reflecting on this trade today, is that the NHL is still trying so desperately to sell hockey in America. 19 years and nothing has changed. Now that's progress.

Kansas City is Dying for Hockey

...or so they say. I will remain very skeptical for the time being.




Apologies for the short post, it's been a long day and it's not going to be over for a while.

Off-Season Journal, Day 61: As With Any Journal, I Gave Up On Day One

There really is nothing to post about anymore. If you remember, this blog used to include posts that involved serious thinking and analysis. Now? Not so much. That's just what happens to the hockey world in the summer. It starts to look like a barren wasteland of sport... We'll see how this little number goes, but this off-season Journal thing might stick around -- but only if it appeases you, o gracious viewers and commenters.

Bad hair day? Oh, wait. No. Sorry I asked. Unknown

7:44 AM EST: Shit, I'm going to be late for work again! How the hell did I mange to sleep through two alarms?? Argh. It's going to be a loooong day.

7:46: $#%&!!! I get up for work at 8:30. Not 7:30. I'm a friggin' idiot.

8:35: Check the blog. That Lou Lamoriello post from last night didn't go over very well. No reaction whatsoever. Maybe the viewers just don't have a pulse. Possible, but not probable. Note to self; stop posting pictures with dumb captions on them. Nobody likes it.

9:04: Arrive at work. Have the same realization that I do everyday; I have nothing to blog about today. Shit.

9:07: Asterisks. Oh, look Barry Bonds broke the home run record while I was sleeping. I remember watching every moment of Mark McGwire's chase for 61 back in the day, and right now, I couldn't give a flying fuck about baseball. I haven't in years. This is only one man's opinion, but when one team's payroll is nearly eight times that of another team something is seriously wrong with your sport. Everyone is so worried about cheating in baseball by use of steroids, but no one seems to give a crap about team salaries. I mean really. Why are there even teams in Pittsburgh, Kansas City and Tampa Bay if we know in February that these teams have no hope at doing anything relevant in the coming season?

12:30: Lunchtime. Random thought of the day that might actually be able to turn into a coherent post; try to find a correlation between the movie Borat and hockey.

12:32: Bet you thought I couldn't pull that one off.

2:02: Work sucks. It really, really sucks.

5:15: Yes sir. Time to go home!

6:37: Confessions of a hockey fanatic: Oh God, I'm pouring through team statistics from last season. What the heck is wrong with me?? The Ducks had the second most overtime losses last year. Mildly interesting.

7:17: Conspiracy theories. Mirtle has a post listing all the neutral site pre-season games in the coming year. The Islanders are a part of 4 of the 11 games listed. I bet they're scouting out potential sites for relocation. This is one of the dumbest teams in the NHL, though. Maybe they just got lost on their way home from Buffalo and are playing exhibition games to raise money for gas so that they can get back to Long Island. No, wait. That's what they want us to think. They are scouting out potential venues for relocation. A-holes!

9:30: Quitting is for pussies. I thought I was going to be able to give up posting random images, but this picture of Hasek cracks me up so bad. At least I didn't add any text to it -- I'm making progress. I can admit that I have a problem too. I'm pretty sure that is the first step on the road to recovery.

10:15: It's a late entry, but the post of the day goes to Kissing Suzy Kolber for their rant about the Pittsburgh Steelers' new mascot. They probe yet again that yelling and vulgarities can make for an awesome blog. Even the title of the post is a classic: "Where You Been? Whole Steel Industry's Been Gay For Years"

11:37: Hmm. I need a picture to go with this post. I'm dying to find another use for that darned picture of JR giving the finger. That thing is friggin' hilarious. But using old material over and over again is pathetic, so I must avoid it at all costs.

11:42: That crazy 1990s Jagr mullet comes to mind. It's perfect! Use it!

11:41: Must... Resist... Temptation... To add text to photo.

11:54: Post this sucker.

Proof That Dominik Hasek is Not Human

You know, I always have had a sneaking suspicion that Dominik Hasek is, in fact, a robot... or some sort of animatronic creation. First off, he's forty two years old -- that's Chris Chelios old! -- and is going to start his 16th NHL season in October. Secondly, even at his... ahem... advanced age he can still make all those crazy spine breaking saves. I know that's not a very strong case, but I think I may have found the smoking gun to all of this. If you're like me and were not completely convinced, this picture may change your mind.

I think he's trying to kill those tennis balls with his eyes. Knowing him, he'll probably be able to do it.

National Anthem of the Glorious Toronto Maple Leaf

Toronto very nice in summertime. IMDB.com

As we all know, all too often Toronto seems to be the center of the hockey world. Isn't it like every year Maple Leafs fans are predicting a Stanley Cup victory? OK, that's enough with the sweeping generalizations for one post.

Anywho, I kind of view the team in the same light that Kazakhstan is portrayed in the "movie film" Borat, that is, if you are familiar with it's fictional national anthem. If you ask me, Toronto has it's own little iron curtain surrounding it, keeping all the liberal naysayers out. To anyone who lives there, it's the best team ever cause they're the mother fuckin TML! The outside world? Well, the outside world has a slightly different view. Communist ideology. Pretty awesome, isn't it?

The point to all this; the fake national anthem is a pretty accurate description of all those TML Homers... If you change some words around. And for the record, I never said I was profoundly original.

National Anthem of the Glorious Toronto Maple Leaf

Toronto Maple Leaf greatest hockey team in the world,
All other teams are run by little girls.
Toronto Maple Leaf have number one power play unit,
all other countries have inferior power play.

Toronto Maple Leaf home of Man Who Looks Like Fetus, it’s length 180 centimeter and weight 84 kilogram.
Skating abilities a marvel to behold.
It score seven game winning goal.

Toronto, Toronto you very nice place,
From Inner Harbour to western fence of Ottawa.

Toronto Maple Leaf friend of all except Montreal Canadien,
They very dumb French people with bad spelling.

Toronto goaltending best in the world, we import Toskala and still have Raycroft.
Toronto Maple Leaf's captain finest in the region, except of course Calgary's.

Toronto, Toronto you very nice place,
From Inner Harbour to western fence of Ottawa.
Come grasp the mighty penis of MLSE from junction with the testes to tip of its face!

Cue the massive backlash from southern Ontario.

Lou Lamoriello: Genius in that Crazy Sort of Way

Hockey Isn't Covered by MSM... or is it?

We've heard it time and time again from the MSM media. No one cares about hockey, the sport is dying, blah, blah, blah. In case you wanted to know, Sports Business Daily reminded of us that yesterday.

SBD published a study of what people are seeing/reading when they watch Sports Center or pick up a newspaper. What information are they being fed? If you're watching Sports Center, then it's a lot of Baseball and Basketball (oh shit, really?). If you like FSN Final Score better, you're seeing twice as much baseball than those of us watching Sports Center. The whole thing is really pretty interesting.

An interesting point; the newspapers in the study pay attention to hockey almost twice as much as Sports Center and Final Score do (granted that's partially because the LA Times is all over the Ducks like white on rice since they won the Cup). Hear that ESPN? Somebody out there loves us! That being said, coverage of the NHL on Sports Center ranks behind only MLB, NBA, NFL and a category called "etc." That is surprising, considering the study ranks hockey ahead of NASCAR in Sports Center coverage. To see all this for yourself, click here.

SportsWatch: What Top Sports News Outlets Covered During May

Fun with Real, Live Journalists

You da man, Larry. You da man. New York Post.com

I have a new feature for you folks today, and it should be a fun one. If you're familiar with New York sports writers, then you probably have heard of Larry Brooks. Brooks is one of the lead sports writers at the New York Post, and is the resident New York Ranger cheerleader at the paper.

[Side note]

I'm really pretty amazed that the paper is still, in fact, a newspaper and in no way a tabloid. You think they would have made that clarification years ago. That is not to discredit Mr. Brooks' journalistic talents, as I've never had a big problem with the guy, but there is quite a bit of how do I say "garbage" floating around on the other pages of the paper. Lest we forget, this is the same paper that started A-Rod Gate, and did us all a favor by following that up with A-Rod's Wife's T-shirt Gate.

[End side note]

As anyone who regularly reads his columns can tell you, Mr. Brooks chooses to ask a lot of questions (albeit many rhetorical ones) in his articles. To try and help clarify things for him, I will take upon the task of answering his many questions. He'll finally be able to get all that sleep he's been missing while trying to answer them himself.

There's nothing like some harmless fun to kill time in the summer, especially if it's at the expense of Ranger supporters. To clarify; I don't dislike Mr. Brooks. Really. Swear.

[Disclaimer] Many of these questions have nothing to do with hockey, but I don't really care. After all, the subtitle of this blog includes the words "whatever we feel like posting". So if you don't like it, you can suck it.

August 2, 2007 -- Elusive Home Run Better Come Here

"The pursuit of the milestone has turned into a millstone around the neck of [Alex] Rodriguez, whose season had been nothing short of sublime before running straight into a drought since smacking No. 499 in Kansas City last Wednesday, a drought that reached 0-for-21 after taking an 0-for-4 collar in his team's 8-1 victory over the White Sox.

What is this, anyway, the first round of the playoffs?"

Welcome to New York, Larry. Every day is Game 7 of the World Series.

"Who knows why, exactly, Rodriguez has been more at peace with himself this year?"

I'm going out on a limb here, but I would imagine that it has something to do with an increase in muscular, she-male types in the Bronx.

August 5, 2007 -- Lowe Budget

"But if the Anaheim GM is so concerned about integrity and all those things, then why was he so willing to take advantage of his once-great-friend Lowe’s distress last summer when Chris Pronger demanded a trade out of Edmonton with four years remaining on the five-year deal he’d signed the previous year?"

Poor, naive Larry. Haven't you ever seen how a successful business operates? They only use dirty tactics such as back stabbing coupled with absolutely no regard for anyone else's well being. That's essentially the business plan of the cigarette companies and WalMart, and just look at how successful they have been! Hypocrisy; it's just good business.

"So the NHL is talking to ESPN2 about replacing NBC as a broadcasting partner for 2008-09 and this is a good thing?"

Yes, very good. That's because even ESPN's biggest haters will admit that they would never let this happen. NBC has shown they don't want hockey. Let's take our act somewhere where we'll at least get a sliver of kindness. We have to walk away from the boyfriend that continually beats us.

"Glen Sather has been a reasonably effective GM as well as a detriment to the team, don’t you think?"

If your definition of detriment is; taking the team to the second round of the playoffs and somehow keeping a roster with all these fuckers on it (seemingly) under the cap, then yes. Sather is a total detriment to the organization. Just don't ask Sean Avery. As I type this, he's probably somewhere in Manhattan planning his revenge.

Reason to Live Until Next Season #4

The summer months can be long, hot and boring. In hockey terms -- the summer sucks. Beach season is great and all, but it's also a reminder that hockey is still far, far away. Hockey fans, this summer, please try and keep your sanity. To help you survive the long summer months, I'll be taking the time to remind you of the reasons why it's a good idea to make sure you live to see next season. Please, don't do anything rash this summer.

Reason to Live #4: Sid the Kid

Whether or not you love the Penguins, you have to love this kid. He's the most prolific young scorer since Gretzky (if you discount Selanne's enormous rookie season) and is taking the league by storm. Crosby can absolutely light up defenders and make the best net minders look downright silly.

When the Penguins come to town, you better have tickets to the game. Half of the excitement is hoping that you'll see his next highlight reel in person.

The following is a compilation of Crosby's Top 10 plays. Some of these videos you've seen before, but they are worth seeing again, and again, and again. If you're keeping score at home, Sid going through four Rangers to score is only #4.


For further reading, head over to what is probably the best Crosby site on the net.

It's Like Tequila and BBQ Sauce

NASCAR and hockey? Those two don't seem like they go together very well. New Jersey's Martin Brodeur proved that Saturday at the Busch Race in Montreal. I didn't even know they had NASCAR in Canada. That's amazing.

When New Jersey Devils goalie Martin Brodeur was offered the chance to join Greg Biffle's pit crew as the sign man for the inaugural Busch Series race in Montreal on Saturday, he agreed with a single provision. "I told them I can't do that by myself," Brodeur said, laughing. "I don't want to ruin the man's career." - USA Today

Keep your day job Marty. That yellow jump suit isn't doin anything good for ya.

Paul Chiasson/AP

Update: The Islanders also sponsored a car in the race. Thanks to IslesChick from hlog for the link.

It's Friday, and That Means It's Time To Mail It In

Fun with photos on a Friday. In light of yesterday's news...

Reason to Live Until Next Season #3

The summer months can be long, hot and boring. In hockey terms -- the summer sucks. Beach season is great and all, but it's also a reminder that hockey is still far, far away. Hockey fans, this summer, please try and keep your sanity. To help you survive the long summer months, I'll be taking the time to remind you of the reasons why it's a good idea to make sure you live to see next season. Please, don't do anything rash this summer.

Reason to Live #3: Because there's nothing quite like a playoff atmosphere.

It really doesn't matter what team you cheer for (unless it happens to be the Blue Jackets), every hockey fan knows the feeling of an arena packed to the rafters in the spring. Raucous tailgating outside the arena and inside everyone from the ushers to the fans in the top row of the upper deck are livid with excitement. It's playoff hockey and no matter the seed, every team has a shot at the prize.

It's hard to describe, but you know the feeling. There's no regular season game quite like it. Opening night is great, but the building isn't as electric. When a legend's number is retired, there is always a packed house, but the feeling is closer to a funeral than a bachelor party. Even when your rival comes to town, it's just not the same. Close, but no cigar.

Playoff atmosphere in hockey is arguably the best in sports. It doesn't matter what city you live in, the arena is packed and the fans are electric (except, well, New Jersey).

Playoff hockey. There's really nothing quite like it.

Kevin Lowe Gets His Man

This guy is coming to Edmonton. You know, the one on the left. John Woods/AP

Today, the Anaheim Ducks announced that they have declined to match the Edmonton Oilers' offer sheet for Dustin Penner. Penner will head to Edmonton for the next five years, earning $4.25 million per in the process. In return, the Ducks receive the Oilers' first, second and third round picks next June.

My winners in this deal? The Ducks, and there is no doubt about it. They get three extra draft picks next year, for a 24 year old who had one stellar year and a less than stellar playoff run. If this team was not as deep as it is, then the Ducks may have needed to hold on to Penner. He was the seventh leading scorer on a team that comes off a Stanley Cup victory due in large part to their checking line, defense and net minder. I'm not saying that their offense is bad, because it isn't, but they can certainly afford the loss and may end up with a lottery pick to boot. Next June, the Ducks can easily grab a guy that could have the potential to completely replace Penner sometime down the road.

From the Edmonton side of things, this is more or less a desperate move to improve the team. They lost Ryan Smyth, bombed the rest of the season, couldn't make any big acquisitions at the draft, and have yet to sign a solid forward through free agency. That being said, if Penner can improve on last season, the deal may be worth it down the road.

Is $4.25 million next year too much for Penner? Yes. It's not all bad, though.

This isn't a move that kills the Oilers cap space, and it certainly does improve the team while hurting a conference foe in the short run. The problem is that this move puts a good sized dent in their farm system, as they are essentially losing a year of picks. Down the road, that's going to be a problem. You don't draft star players every year, and if you are not a contender, you need those picks to try and build your team. If the Oilers can find a way into the playoffs (emphasis on 'if'), losing late round picks makes this deal better from their view, but that does not seem to be a likely scenario.

Right now, the Ducks are the clear winners in this deal. There's no doubt about it. Even if their three picks don't pan out, I don't think there's a GM in the league that would be angry about getting three nice picks for a 1/2 point per game player. Down the road the Oilers may come out of this deal better off, but until Penner earns All-Star honors that will not be the case.

UPDATE: Says Brian Burke; "We're going to take the three picks, and given Kevin's recent (managerial) performance, we expect them to be excellent picks." Ooooohhh sick burn! As per Mirtle, per the Ducks website.

A Handy Guide for ESPN: How to Not Ruin Hockey

This picture looked really cool in 1997. ConsoleClassix.com

By the looks of it, the NHL is trying to go crawling back to ESPN. Should their groveling succeed, we probably will still have to wait until the 2008-09 season to actually see hockey on ESPN.

Nevertheless, this would put an end to all the MSM garbage complaining about how they don't care about hockey anymore simply because they can't find it on TV. Maybe that would let them move on to complaining about, you know, how bad their "favorite" team is playing or how much of an asshole Gary Bettman is.

I'm sure many hockey fans are happy about a potential move to ESPN for many different reasons. Off the top of my head I can think of; 1) Not having to worry about whether or not your cable provider carries Versus. 2) More NHL coverage on ESPN. 3) More Barry Melrose on ESPN. (Who doesn't want that?) There are lots more reasons, but I give you fair warning; be careful what you wish for. ESPN might do a really, really good job of messing up your sport. Just ask NASCAR fans.

To try and help out our beloved ESPN Overlords in their (potential) re-domination of hockey coverage, I offer a sacrifice in the form of a list of tips on how to not fuck up hockey coverage. ESPN Overlords, I only ask for your good will in return.

Do:

...ask poignant, well thought out questions. We don't need whatever Rachel Nichols is having. Really. Less "Kevin Lowe, how are you feeling?" and more "Kevin Lowe could you please explain why you seem hell bent on signing a star RFA this off season?"

...give us more Barry Melrose and John Buccigross. Dare I say it, combine their powers and resurrect NHL2Night! Not everyone may like and/or agree with Barry Melrose, but either way, he is the face of the NHL media in America. The general populous listens to him and the general populous knows who he is. That being said, I have yet to meet someone who dislikes Bucci, so the logical conclusion in regards to him is: more Bucci.

...admit that the sport is finally back in America's consciousness simply because it is back on ESPN. As egocentric as this is going to be, we know you're going to say this anyway, since you love giving yourselves reach arounds. The reason I suggest it is that the drones will listen and comply. Ratings will go up.

...hire more "hockey only" writers for ESPN.com. During the summer, Scott Burnside is the only regular hockey writer, and it seems like he writes a million articles a day. I'm sure the World Wide Leaders has the budget to hire some co-workers for Mr. Burnside.

...persuade Jeremy Roenick to retire and join the broadcast side of the game. This guy is going to be the next big name in broadcasting. It's only a matter of time. I believe that Roenick could be the Stephen A. Smith of hockey. That is, if was possible to listen to Stephen A. without earplugs.

...assign Kenny Mayne to hockey coverage in some capacity. This has endless possibilities, and all of them conclude with the word 'hilarious'.

...call our little sister Mark Messier degrading names.

Do not:

...give us the second coming of glow pucks. I will personally come to Bristol and beat down the guy who lets that happen.

...let Mike and Mike become the lead broadcasters. I know they seem to be able to do anything and everything these days, but the last thing this sport needs right now is to be best known because it's star broadcast crew moonlights as Spelling Bee announcers. Isn't that degrading to the folks at the head of the Spelling Bee, too?

...give us fake press conferences. That should be a given. Less bullshit, more actual journalism. I know, I know. That is going to take (gasp) actual thinking and hard work, but I believe you have it in you, ESPN.

...get too creative. When that happens, you give us "Who's Now?" and a "Budweiser Six Pack of Questions". Once you have wasted our time, we can never get it back.

Side note: Google the words "ESPN" and "hockey". All you get are a bunch of pictures of our good friend JR. He's really begging to get hired, isn't he?

The Rangers and Sean Avery are Now Contractually Obligated to Like Each Other

That doesn't look too fun. ViewImage

In the first (and potentially only) big-name arbitration settlement of the summer so far, the Rangers' Sean Avery has been awarded a one-year deal valued at $1.9 million. This afternoon, the Rangers announced that they had accepted the offer.

This has been one of the more controversial arbitration cases, as the Rangers have been throwing barbs in Avery's direction all week. Avery has played the role of heart broken ex-girlfriend, saying the news has been completely surprising. If you remember, he was praised heavily for his part in the Rangers' late season surge up the Eastern Conference standings.

Now, the two have to live together for one more year (barring a trade) in what could be one of the more entertaining story lines of the new season. Jilted ex-lovers forced to live together for a year? It sounds more like reality TV than the NHL -- but that's exactly what's going to happen. To add to the excitement, Avery has never been afraid to speak his mind. In my opinion, it would be a sure fire hit. Hopefully, TV executives are listening. I think I found their next big hit.

Here are a few classic moments from The Mouth.

• "I am furious at Bob [Goodenow -- former NHLPA head]. Bob thought he was bigger than he was. Bob brainwashed players like me." - Avery on Bob Goodenow's leadership during the lockout, per CBC
• "I think it was a clean hit. I think it was typical of most French guys in our league with a visor on, running around and playing tough and not back anything up." - Avery on a hit Denis Gauthier put on our good friend JR in 2005, per TSN
• Los Angeles Kings forward Sean Avery denies directing a racial slur at Edmonton Oilers winger Georges Laraque during a game this past Tuesday night. "[He] fabricated the whole thing," Avery said in Friday's edition of the Los Angeles Times. "I have no idea why he would do that," he added. "I heard about it after the game and was surprised." ...Laraque said that when he went to challenge Avery to a fight... Avery declined to fight and called Laraque "a monkey."- The CBC, October 2005
• Sean Avery's comments about being fined for diving cost him an additional $1,000 on Tuesday, when the NHL handed down a second fine.Avery had chafed at being fined $1,000 for diving during a game against Phoenix Nov. 3... "How can a guy sitting in an office in New York determine if you dived or not by watching a tape?" Avery said Monday. He also said he felt that the fine was not about diving, but "a way to do something to me." - LA Times, November 2005