Saturday, September 29, 2007

IT'S ABOUT BLOODY TIME YOU WANKERS!!!

This kid never ceases to crack me up.
FunnyHub.com

Well folks, the day is finally here. It's the Zero Hour. At high noon on the eastern seaboard, the 2007-08 season kicks off... in England. I wasn't really sure if this day would ever come. It really seems like the playoffs ended about 10 years ago and we were going to stay in summer mode forever. Nonetheless, here we are. Here we are indeed.

Don't do anything too crazy today, folks. Go about your daily lives... relax... and ENJOY SOME HOCKEY!!!

FUCK YEAH!!!

NO MORE BASEBALL... IT'S TIME FOR A REAL SPORT!!!

Ahem... Er... Sorry. I'm pretty excited. It's a good day. Now if only the Islanders started their season today... Ah, well. Can't have everything.

2007-08 Preseason Foreplay: Anaheim Ducks

Oh shit! This thing is a lot heavier than it looks!
John Griffiths on Flickr


Quick hits

Odds for the folks at gambler's
anonymous

62 to 1: During today's season opener, bands of hockey hooligans start riots outside the arena in London.

3 to 1: You can't find an English speaking population that pays less attention to hockey than the Brits.

Obligatory serious analysis

Chances are the Ducks aren't ready to begin another hockey season just yet. After all, who wouldn't want to bask in a Stanley Cup victory for as long as possible? I know I would. The Ducks that suit up in London later today are going to be a much different team than the one we last saw in Game Five during the spring. Scott Niedermayer and Teemu Selanne are still considering retirement, and won't be in the lineup (as far as I know). Dustin Penner is gone, but his shoes are to be filled by Todd Bertuzzi. The Ducks did add a nice insurance package to their blue line in Mathieu Schneider, but he's hurt right now. There a ton of question marks surrounding this team right now, and none of them have easy answers.

One of the most disheartening things, if you're a Ducks fan, is how many players are going to miss the opening weekend with the team in London. Battle of California has a list of six, which doesn't include the recently injured Schneider. All too important and man who will surely be missed is Senators defender Chris Phillips, who will not be with the Ducks to start the season.

Seriously, this team is an enigma right now. At least to me. Injuries are a problem, and couple that with two star players still unsure about their playing future, and it makes for a dicey situation. If both Selanne and Niedermayer come back, this team has got to be among the favorites to win the Cup again this year. If they leave and any of Schneider/Pahlsson/Giguere miss a considerable amount of time due to injury, then this team will surely not win the Pacific. My bet? Selanne and Niedermayer are waiting for the games in London to pass to make a decision, and I'm going to be that at least one of them comes back. If they wanted to be away from the game that badly, they would have done it already.

Prediction:
It's going to be hard for the Ducks to repeat. I believe the season is simply too long, the West is too tough and this team is going to be too banged up. They should make the post-season easily, but they won't take home the Pacific Division crown. I figure they'll settle in to the 5th or 6th spot out West.

The best looking ice girls in Anaheim
The Ducks have a "street team" but I have no idea if these ladies are a part of it. Try not to lose sleep worry about that, OK?



Previous Editions of Preseason Foreplay

Friday, September 28, 2007

Your Obligatory Ultra Super Spectacular Pre-Season Speculation Post (Part II)

Western Conference

Possible point totals are in parentheses. No scientific calculations involved, simply a ballpark figure.

“The Haves”

1. *Detroit Red Wings (116) – There’s no doubt that they’re going to win the central, but the conference title will be tricky. Nonetheless, I’m picking them.

2. *San Jose Sharks (109) – The Pacific is going to be a tough fight, just like the Atlantic. A short off-season for the Ducks and no improvement from the Stars paves the way for the Sharks. Their young players should be a big part of the team’s success.

3. *Colorado Avalance (104) – This division is going to be a tough win as well, but I believe that the Avs summer signings will pay off along with the development of Stastny, and Wolski.

4. Dallas Stars (106) – The Stars are going to be icing a similar team to the 2006-07 edition, and I believe they’ll achieve about the same.

5. Minnesota Wild (103) – Just like Dallas, I don’t expect the Wild to be any worse than they were last year. I don’t expect them to be much better, either. This will be a down-to-the-wire divisional race for sure.

6. Anaheim Ducks (102) – The Ducks are good, but Scott Niedermayer’s shenanigans, injuries to Schneider and Giguere, and a short off season are all causes for concern. I can’t imagine them having the legs down the stretch.

7. Vancouver Canucks (99) – The Canucks didn’t improve, and will be looking to Luongo to carry the defense yet again. Injuries are already mounting, which is scary when it’s still September. Don’t count them out of the divisional race yet, but it’s very hard to believe they can beat out both Colorado and Minnesota.

The Middle Ground

8. St. Louis Blues (94) – The Blues are my surprise team this year, but I don’t think anyone is going to be overlooking them this season. The team has turned things around nicely and despite his age, Paul Kariya is going to be a huge help.

9. Calgary Flames (92) – The Flames defensive carousel is worrisome, and Keenan isn’t going to help things. For their sake, I hope someone explains to him that Kipper is, in fact, a number one ‘tender. Don't count the Flames out of the playoff picture, but it's going to be a close race again this season.

“The Havenots”

10. Los Angeles Kings (84) – The Kings had some quiet but very nice summer signings, but they’re going to have to find a goaltender at some point. This team will be better, but the West is still way too competitive for them.

11. Nashville Predators (82) – I firmly believe the Preds are going to be a shell of their former selves. Chris Mason may be completely capable of being a starter, but he’s not going to have any help from his defenders or forwards. Timonen, Hartnell, Kariya, Vishnevski, Forsberg (presumably) and Vokoun are all gone. Did I miss anyone?

12. Chicago Blackhawks (76) – Things are looking up in the Windy City, and Robert Lang and Patrick Kane are going to help. Problem is; that’s not nearly enough.

13. Columbus Blue Jackets (70) – Mike Peca is the big news in Columbus. That’s a bad sign. I believe in Ken Hitchcock. Really, I do. The West is too tough and the Blue Jackets don’t have good enough pieces. That being said, their division will be lacking another +100 point team to go with the Red Wings, so the central may balance out a little more than I am accounting for here.

14. Edmonton Oilers (66) – Sorry, Alberta. It’s going to be a long winter. How’s next year’s draft class looking?

15. Phoenix Coyotes (64) – This is a team whose prize summer signing was Mike York. I’ll believe anything other than a last place finish when I see it, Kyle Turris or not.

*-Division Champs

Eastern Conference Predictions




Counting Down to Opening Night: Tomorrow...

...hockey is back, with a British flavor.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

The Coach Incompetence Advisory System: Pre-Season Edition

Here at Barry Melrose Rocks, it's all about you, the reader. If you're happy, then I'm happy. It's really that simple. Come on! Group hug!

OK... Anyway... To keep you safe -- so that you can enjoy said happiness, of course -- I am proud to introduce to you the NHL Coach Incompetence Advisory System. It will serve to warn you about and help protect you from incompetence behind the bench of your favorite NHL team. Not only that, but it will also be a fun way to discuss who is going to win this year's Pink Slip Award for being the first coach fired during the 2007-08 season.

As you already know, NHL front offices have the quickest trigger fingers this side of the National Rifle Association, at least when it comes to firing head coaches. In fact, in many places (I'm looking at you New Jersey) it's a significant rite of passage to complete a single season behind an NHL bench. As NHL coaches know all too well, 82 games behind the bench and a division title one year is no guarantee that you will have a job the next year.

In an attempt to make you feel safer and more secure as you go about your daily life and while you are attending hockey games this winter, I'm proud to present to you the NHL Coach Incompetence Advisory System. Nation, as coach firing season approaches us yet again, we must be vigilant! This is no time for complacency or indifference. Now, more than ever, we must be aware of which NHL coaches are on the hot seat. Our national security depends on it! To terrify inform you, I have devised a color-coded system which will help guide you in this time of need. Here's the breakdown:

Threat Level: Lamoriello

Firing is imminent. Coaches that are noted as being on the "Lamoriello" threat level pose a serious threat to their team as well as national security, and will likely be fired soon regardless of their past successes with the club and their team's current position in the standings. At a heightened state of "Lamoriello", no coach is safe.

Threat Level: Keenan

The firing of a coach ranked at a "Keenan" threat level is very likely. These coaches will last longer than "Lamoriello" ranked coaches, but make no mistake about it, they are still very dangerous. "Keenan" coaches are cunning during the interview process, but that is where their wits end. Fans and front office personnel alike are quick to catch on to their schemes, and tire of their shenanigans easily. When a coach reaches the heightened state of a "Keenan" threat level, they will likely need only one slip up or losing streak to get bounced.

Threat Level: Lewis

Coaches in the "Lewis" threat level may be there for a variety of reasons. For one, they may be there simply because their hiring in the first place was mind numbing, and even before the season began the fan base was upset. Additionally, they could be coaches who are good at what they do, but have fallen on a streak of bad luck. The bad luck can be due to a number of factors including; massive team injuries, a long losing streak to begin a season, general unrest surrounding the team that has lingered for years due to a recent playoff drought (see: Toronto, Montreal).

Threat Level: Milbury

Those persons ranked in the "Milbury" threat level are the most cunning bench bosses, and therefore the most dangerous. They may be ranked here simply because they are a good coach who has not been given a deserved contract extension or, more likely, they are a coach who has tricked upper management into thinking that they are a good coach. In the case of the latter, the fan base can see right through the bull shit that the coach is throwing, but is absolutely helpless against it. The fan base can only live with the blindness of upper management, and can only hope that the franchise survives the coach's hapless tenure in one piece.

Threat Level: Bowman

This threat level is a simple one; there should be no questioning of coaches ranked here. They are good at what they do and are potentially legendary. Leave them alone so they can do their job and lead the team to glory.


Throughout the year, I'll keep you updated as coaches move up and down the NCIAS. Even though it's very early in the year, there is still the threat of a coach firing in the NHL. We must be prepared! To get you ready for the regular season, here are a few coaches who are beginning the season on the hot seat (in no specific order).

Coach: Paul Maurice

Team: Toronto Maple Leafs

Threat Level: Lewis

Prior to Pat Quinn's tenure, the Leafs had a nasty habit of firing coaches after only a year or two at the helm. Maurice's Leafs missed the playoffs by the skin of their teeth last season to, of all teams, the Islanders and that wound is still stinging. Some salt was poured on the wound after the Senators made a spectacular run to the playoffs last spring. Additionally, the Toronto media will likely eat up the team if they start poorly, after acquiring Jason Blake and Vesa Toskala. This team should surely be better than the 2006-07 edition, and if they falter in the first half and find themselves on the outside of the playoff picture, prepare for a shake up. For the moment, Maurice's job is more than safe.


Coach: Brent Sutter

Team: New Jersey Devils

Threat Level: Lewis

The situation in New Jersey will be an interesting one to watch. This team will not challenge for the Atlantic division title, but should easily find themselves in the playoff hunt. Much like the Leafs, if the team falters there could be turnover. I know it's Brent Sutter's first season behind the bench, but remember, Lou Lamoriello is in charge.


Coach: Mike Keenan

Team: Calgary Flames

Threat Level: Keenan

I shouldn't have to explain this one.


Coach: Wayne Gretzky

Team: Phoenix Coyotes

Threat Level: Lewis

This is the Great One's third season behind the bench in Phoenix, and the team has averaged only 74 points per season during the first two years. It's going to be a tall order to fire the greatest player to ever play the game of hockey, but if the 'Yotes find themselves in the cellar this spring, some one is going to have to take the fall.



Counting Down to Opening Night: In 2 Days...

...you can go home again. Wherever that home may be.

Your Obligatory Ultra Super Spectacular Pre-Season Speculation Post (Part I)

Tabloids say the darndest things.
Philstockworld.com

You knew it had to come to this eventually. Every Tanguay, Drury and Havlat in the world has made their pre-season predictions, and I might as well throw my hat in the ring, too. I’m more or less obligated to do it.

Obligated or not, I’m always more than happy to make predictions, if only for the sole purpose of your amusement. Today I present to you, dear reader, Your Obligatory Ultra Super Spectacular Pre-Season Speculation Post. The rejected and more descriptive version of that title was simply Kevin Makes Predictions so You Know Who Not to Bet on, but that didn’t have as nice a ring to it. Today I'll start with the Eastern Conference, and work my way over to the West tomorrow.

Enough of the Obligatory Lead In, you know how this goes. Teams. Predictions. Snark. Let’s get to it!



Eastern Conference

Possible point totals are in parentheses. No scientific calculations involved, simply a ballpark figure.

(The elite 3 ½)

1. *Ottawa Senators (115) – This team is primed and ready to make another run. Buffalo is out of the way, so the Sens should cruise to the Northeast title.

2. *Pittsburgh Penguins (109) – I’m convinced Sykora, Sydor and another year of development for the kids will put them over the top. Don’t rule out the Rangers as Atlantic champs, though.

3. *Atlanta Thrashers (95) – A lot of people are selling the Thrashers, but this is a wide open division, so a title for the Thrashers is not out of the question.

4. New York Rangers (106) – It pains me to say so, but these guys are going to be good. Pittsburgh is going to have a hell of a time holding them off.

The cluttered middle ground

5. New Jersey Devils (93) – I have a hard time finding any team to put in the fifth spot. The Devils are here because they always seem to find a way to get the job done. With Lou and Sutter at the helm, this team is going to find a way to succeed.

6. Buffalo Sabres (93) – It’s going to be a down year, but the Sabres are still better than a lot of teams in the East.

7. Montreal Canadiens (92) – ‘Gloom and doom’ is the story in Montreal, but I’m not buying.

8. Tampa Bay Lightning (91) – I’m having a hard time placing this team ahead of the two behind it, but four Atlantic teams will not make the playoffs. The Bolts’ defense is going to hold them back an awful lot, but they’re still a solid team.

9. Philadelphia Flyers (90) – Lupul or not, this team is going to be solid. There’s no doubt about it. I’m sure you disagree.

10. Toronto Maple Leafs (90) – It’s a tough sell but the additions of Toskala and Blake should put this team in the playoff hunt. I want to put this team higher. Really, I do. Problem is there’s too much clutter for them to compete with.

Close, but no cigar

11. Washington Capitals (87) – I like the Caps and the additions they made this off-season. Their problem is that the rest of the conference improved, too.

12. Carolina Hurricanes (81) – New season, same Hurricanes.

13. Florida Panthers (80) – A lot of people like the Panthers this year. I, for one, don’t. It’s going to be the same old story in Florida.

The trash heap

14. New York Islanders (74) – You certainly can’t accuse me of being a homer. No team can lose all the pieces that the Islanders did and still make the playoffs, even if losing Yashin is addition by subtraction.

15. Boston Bruins (66) – The B’s might be the only team in the East who hasn’t improved significantly. I’m not buying Manny Fernandez. Enjoy that lottery pick.

*-Division Champs

Tune in tomorrow for the Western Conference!



Wednesday, September 26, 2007

2007-08 Preseason Foreplay: Carolina Hurricanes

I'm not entirely sure what the link is between an Ice Hog and a Hurricane, but who am I to judge?
(C) Carolina Hurricanes
Quick hits
  • Eric Staal and his brother kindly reminded us this summer that hockey players can also get arrested.
  • Former Hurricanes net minder Martin Gerber cannot be stopped in his quest for Stanley Cup glory. Oh, he plays in Ottawa now? Oooh. Sorry, buddy.
  • A question posted to Storm Squad member Kerry on the Hurricanes' official website: "What nursery rhyme would you turn into a new rap song? I don't "do" rap."
  • The Hurricanes won't win the division this year. Why? Because they've won the southeast three times, with two years in between each victory. This would be the third season since their last title. I know, it's so logical.
  • When both the Oilers and Hurricanes failed to make the playoffs last season, it was the first time in NHL history that both Stanley Cup Finalists failed to qualify for the post season.

Odds for the folks at gambler's
anonymous

12 to 1: Someone will make a NASCAR reference in the comments.

6 to 1: Someone will get mad that someone else made a NASCAR reference in the comments because sweeping generalizations don't heal; they hurt.

Obligatory serious analysis

The Hurricanes did last season what no team had done since the 1938-39 Chicago Blackhawks; miss the playoffs after winning the Stanley Cup in the previous season. Looking to turn things around this season, the Hurricanes will ice essentially the same squad that they did in 2006-07. The lone notable addition is center Matt Cullen, who was a part of Carolina's Stanley Cup victory two years ago. Last season, Cullen had 41 points in 80 games for the New York Rangers. Cullen should be a welcome addition to the East's 7th best offense.

The real key for the Hurricanes this season will be to have many of their younger players prove that their production two years ago was not a fluke. This season, Eric Staal produced 70 points, a full 30 point drop off from his numbers during the team's Cup run. Cam Ward's mind boggling 2.14 GAA and .920 save percentage from the '05-'06 playoffs were nowhere near his numbers last season, after the team decided to dump Martin Gerber and entrust the net to Ward. Ward is going to have to show the world that he won't be remembered for one spectacular playoff run.

Possibly the most serious issue facing the 'Canes this season is their defense. As a team they finished 20th in the NHL in goals allowed last season, and are playing in the high scoring Eastern Conference. The Canes are going to have to find some kids to man the point sometime, as Glen Wesley, Bret Hedican and Frantisek Kaberle are a combined 800 years old.

Prediction:
The Hurricanes have a lot to prove and aren't drastically improved from the team that they iced last season. Cullen is a nice addition, but not enough to put them over the top. I think that they will find themselves in the 9th spot at the end of the year.

The best looking ice girls in Carolina
The Hurricanes have a Storm Squad, and this is the best I can do. Sorry.


Previous Editions of Preseason Foreplay

Required Reading for Sept. 26th: Hawks Un-Eliminated from Playoffs

Who wants to reminisce about shitty hockey cards?
LuckyCards.de

Lots to talk about in the hockey world today, so listen up class. The gist of it is really only mindless violence and death, which is depressing. Those are the reasons why I stopped watching the local news. Good thing hockey was built on mindless violence though. Due to that, I don't think I'll be walking away from the sport anytime soon.

The Zombie Invasion has Begun

Counting Down to Opening Night: In 3 Days...

...the goalie fights count for real.




Thanks to all who sent in links!

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Roberto Luongo Wants No Part of Your Ill-Conceived Attempts to Increase Scoring

This net is black not!
Getty Images

To many the chagrin of many fans, or possibly only me, the NHL has bandied about the idea of using bigger nets in an attempt to increase scoring. Honestly, they might as well eliminate the position of 'goaltender' all together, because it seems that's the kind of scoring it will take to get them to find a happy level of offensive output, but I digress.

Whatever the NHL plans to do, All-Star and potential future Hall of Fame goaltender Roberto Luongo plans to have nothing to do with an increase in the size of the nets.

In a conference call Tuesday, Canucks goaltender Roberto Luongo said he would retire if the league used bigger nets.

"If that day comes, I don't think you guys will be seeing me in the NHL," Luongo said.

Luongo said he would retire, even if the league made the nets bigger by just a few inches.

"I have no intentions of playing with bigger nets," Luongo said.

In my opinion, it's about time someone told the league to shove it where the sun doesn't shine. If we make the nets bigger, it's likely that scoring won't reach the levels it was at in the 1980s. If that's the case, I have a hard time believing that the NHL's Powers That Be would stop there. At some point you're going to have to accept yourself for what you are and live life to the best of your ability. You can only have so much plastic surgery before you look ridiculously fake, and you can only try so many avenues to increase scoring before it's not the NHL we know and love anymore.

2007-08 Preseason Foreplay: Detroit Red Wings

Editor's Note: Today's foreplay is brought you by reader and Red Wings fan Derek C.

...and that's what interns are for.
Flickr
Quick hits
Odds for the folks at gambler's anonymous

3990:1 – Wings will sign Foppa.

17:1 – Wings will discontinue use of the funny-looking preseason name patches.

3:1 – Jimmy Howard will take Chris Osgood’s backup goaltender position by the end of the season.

2:1 – Red Wings will trade an early round draft pick for a veteran center or defenseman by the trade deadline.


Obligatory serious analysis

The Central Division is Detroit’s to lose. After falling two wins short of a Stanley Cup Finals berth last season, Detroit returns with a roster similar to the one of last Spring. The most obvious change will be addition of free agent (and Detroit-area native) Brian Rafalski (for five years at $30 million). Rafalski will take over Matty Schneider’s first line spot with Niklas Lidstrom.

Up front, the Red Wings are led by Zetterberg and Datsyuk, who are both expected to put up 90-100 point seasons. Jiri Hudler should emerge as a second line center and likely will see the largest increase in point production from 06-07. Detroit added Dallas Drake for some added grit. As long as he stays healthy, his true value will emerge in the final months of the season.

Igor Grigorenko failed to crack the Wings lineup but will remain stateside and play for the Griffins in Grand Rapids. However, other young players will remain with Detroit and will be relied on for consistent play if Detroit is to walk away with the division. Including Hudler, the Wings need Franzen, Tomas Kopecky and Valteri Filpulla to continue to develop.

Dominik Hasek returns between the pipes but with his playing days limited, Chris Osgood will see a large share of backup duty. If he struggles, Wings fans will press for Jimmy Howard to emerge as the Wing’s goalie of the future as he has done this preseason. Howard has worked hard with Wings goaltending coach Jim Bedard and lost 20 lbs in the off-season. If Howard doesn’t become a mainstay this season, with Osgood in the final year of his deal, expect to see him regularly in 2008-09.


Prediction:
Detroit will win the Central easily, and challenge for the Western Conference Title and President’s Trophy. By March, Detroiters should have only Octopi-related thoughts on their minds. (Ed. -- agreed)

The best looking ice girls in Detroit
(Ed. -- Today's is actress Kristen Bell, who grew up near Detroit)


Previous Editions of Preseason Foreplay

2007-08 Preseason Foreplay: Vancouver Canucks

Is there really anything more frightening than an orca with a bazooka?
Flickr
Quick hits
  • The 'Nucks have some interesting looking new jerseys... and math is always fun. Maybe. Not really.
  • Vancouver has won the Northwest Division two of the past three seasons, their only two Northwest titles.
  • The 49 wins and 105 points that the team recorded last season were both franchise records.
  • Trevor Linden and captain Markus Naslund are first and second on the franchise's all-time scoring list.
Odds for the folks at gambler's anonymous

28 to 1: Due to massive amounts of player injuries, the Canucks will be forced to call up the entire roster of the Manitoba Moose, their AHL affiliate.

Over/under on how many times Roberto Luongo singlehandedly wins a game for the Canucks: 23.

Obligatory serious analysis

The Vancouver Canucks are coming off statistically their best season in team history, which saw them take home the Northwest Division title before losing in the second round of the playoffs to the eventual Stanley Cup champion Anaheim Ducks. The team also gave up the fourth fewest amount of goals in the Western Conference, in large part due to netminder Roberto Luongo. Luongo posted a 2.28 GAA, surprisingly the best mark of his career. His .921 save percentage was the 2nd best in his career, and the highest by any goalie in Vancouver team history. Obviously, the ability of the man between the pipes is not going to be an issue for the Canucks.

What will be an issue for this team is their offense. They are returning the 21st best offense in the NHL, and have not added much talent to it. After much ado, the team finally re-signed fan favorite Trevor Linden, but that's about where the offensive acquisitions end. Byron Ritchie and Ryan Shannon have been added to the roster, but they combined for 25 points last season. The only other acquisition for the forward corps is Brad Isbister, and that's really not even worth mentioning. That is going to be the most pressing question for the Canucks to answer this season (outside of the team's obvious health issues); how can you produce more goals with the same players?

Prediction:
As Luongo goes, so goes the Canucks. It's really that simple. The Canucks will have a tough time winning the division, as they did last season. With the Minnesota Wild on the way up and, as I believe, a much improved Avalanche squad on their heels, the Canucks won't be able to repeat as division champs. They will find a way in the playoffs, though. I would imagine at about the 6th spot.

The best looking ice girls in Vancouver
The Canucks do have an ice team, which does have some female members, but I have yet to find any decent pictures. Therefore, we are left with only Pamela Anderson, who was born in Ladysmith, British Columbia. What a shame.



Previous Editions of Preseason Foreplay

Counting Down to Opening Night: In 4 Days...

...you might do something that you will never live down. Be careful out there, folks.

On second thought, probably not the nicest picture to post... Apologies to anyone who was upset by it.

Monday, September 24, 2007

I Went to a Hockey Game, and the Movie 300 was Reenacted

Jim McIsaac/Getty Images

Right now I'm hoping someone can find a link to the video, but the Islander/Ranger pre-season game tonight was an absolute bloodbath. If anyone had any doubts about how fierce this rivalry is, they are certainly gone now. Check out all the penalties handed out in this one...

Penalty Summary
1st Period
NY Rangers fighting - 5 min 3:08, C. Orr served by A. Anisimov
NY Islanders fighting - 5 min 3:08, A. Sutton served by S. Ogordonikov
NY Islanders fighting - 5 min 3:11, K. Brennan served by S. Ogordonikov
NY Rangers fighting - 5 min 3:11, C. Orr served by A. Anisimov
NY Rangers roughing - 2 min 3:41, D. Byers served by A. Anisimov
NY Islanders roughing - 2 min 3:41, C. Simon served by L. Aquino
NY Rangers roughing - 2 min 5:18, R. Hollweg served by A. Anisimov
2nd Period
NY Islanders high sticking - 2 min 2:21, C. Simon served by S. Ogordonikov
NY Rangers fighting - 5 min 2:21, C. Orr served by R. Hollweg
NY Rangers fighting - 5 min 3:58, T. Pock served by A. Anisimov
NY Islanders fighting - 5 min 4:20, A. Sutton served by S. Ogordonikov
NY Rangers fighting - 5 min 4:20, B. Dubinsky served by A. Anisimov
NY Islanders interference - 2 min 4:40, T. Hunter served by S. Ogordonikov
NY Islanders - 2 min 5:04, A. Johnson served by S. Ogordonikov
NY Rangers goalie leaving crease - 2 min 8:11, A. Montoya served by A. Anisimov
NY Rangers game misconduct - 10 min 8:11, J. Strudwick served by A. Anisimov
NY Islanders fighting - 5 min 8:11, K. Brennan served by S. Ogordonikov
NY Rangers fighting - 5 min 8:11, C. Orr served by A. Anisimov
NY Rangers game misconduct - 10 min 8:11, C. Orr served by A. Anisimov
NY Islanders goalie leaving crease - 2 min 8:11, R. DiPietro served by S. Ogordonikov
NY Islanders attempt to injure - 10 min 8:11, C. Simon served by S. Ogordonikov
NY Rangers roughing - 2 min 8:11, J. Strudwick served by A. Anisimov
NY Rangers charging - 2 min 8:11, R. Hollweg served by A. Anisimov
NY Rangers game misconduct - 10 min 8:11, A. Montoya served by A. Anisimov
NY Islanders game misconduct - 10 min 8:11, R. DiPietro served by S. Ogordonikov
NY Islanders game misconduct - 10 min 8:11, K. Brennan served by S. Ogordonikov
NY Islanders high sticking - 2 min 8:44, B. Guerin served by S. Ogordonikov
NY Rangers charging - 2 min 8:44, R. Hollweg served by A. Anisimov
NY Islanders holding - 2 min 12:20, F. Meyer served by S. Ogordonikov
NY Rangers hooking - 2 min 13:42, A. Hutchinson served by A. Anisimov
NY Islanders hooking - 2 min 16:28, S. Bergenheim served by S. Ogordonikov
NY Rangers interference - 2 min 17:19, T. Pock served by A. Anisimov
NY Rangers cross check - 2 min 18:08, A. Hutchinson served by A. Anisimov
NY Rangers holding - 2 min 19:36, M. Malik served by A. Anisimov
3rd Period
NY Islanders tripping - 2 min 2:33, A. Hilbert served by S. Ogordonikov
NY Rangers hooking - 2 min 4:13, D. Byers served by A. Anisimov
NY Rangers slashing - 2 min 4:43, M. Rozsival served by A. Anisimov
NY Islanders tripping - 2 min 5:11, M. Comrie served by S. Ogordonikov
NY Rangers interference - 2 min 9:49, B. Shanahan served by A. Anisimov
NY Islanders cross check - 2 min 13:31, F. Meyer served by S. Ogordonikov
OT Period
NY Islanders roughing - 2 min 2:17, F. Meyer served by S. Ogordonikov
NY Rangers cross check - 2 min 2:42, B. Shanahan served by A. Anisimov
NY Rangers roughing - 2 min 2:42, B. Shanahan served by D. Byers

You want to know the best part? During that fight-filled second period, seven goals were scored. Now THAT is what I call hockey!

Again, if anyone can find a link to the video of any of this, you'll get some serious props... and one of those internet high fives.

Counting Down to Opening Night: In 5 Days...

...they're going to twist that knife that's been in your side since July 1st, and they're not going to stop.

Photo credit: Getty Images

H/t: Sabres Insider

Words of Wisdom from The Golden Brett

Hear that? One damage to target creature!! OMGz!!
MTG Lair

I, for one, thought that we may have heard the last of the interesting banter about Brett Hull when he left/was fired from NBC earlier in the summer and took a vaguely-titled upper management position with the Dallas Stars. If only I wasn't so pessimistic. Of course, Brett loves us and wants to give us something interesting to talk about -- before the season starts, no less.

Sunday's Dallas Morning News gives us a look into part of what Hull's new job entails; motivating 37-year old Mike Modano. It's just another side -- Hockey Life Coach -- we have yet to see from Hull, a jack of all trades.

Hull's biggest job as special advisor to the hockey operations department might be to keep Modano on task this season, to help the franchise leader in pretty much every department unleash a game tailored for today's NHL.

"I tell him to think about scoring goals," Hull said. "I told him with the rules changes [the crackdown on hooking and holding in 2005], he should be skating hard and going to the net. With his size and his speed, nobody should be able to stop him."

That's right Mike; score goals. The Stars are paying Hull... why?

This leads me to recollect other life changing advice from Brett Hull.

Well, that last one was made up. Anyway, it's good to have Brett back. He really helps liven up a boring weekend in the hockey world.


Sunday, September 23, 2007

In the Future, the Undead Will Wear Preds Jerseys

A promo photo from the new Resident Evil movie.
NHL Tournament of Logos

Even wonder what NHL team the undead would cheer for? I know I sure have. That internal conversation happens almost anytime I drive past a graveyard at night. Thank goodness for this photo, as I've finally got an answer to the question that has plagued me for years.

Yes, the undead are Nashville Predators fans. This season the Preds should be a shell of their former selves, just like the good folks in the picture to your right. Oh, sweet, sweet irony!

Not only that, but if you were living in fear that that the eventual post-apocalyptic world you or your children will surely live in would consist of the remnants of a dying human race that lives in fear of a rather large zombie epidemic, well, that world just got even scarier. Zombie Predator Fans. God help us. It's time we welcome our new Zombie Predator-Supporting Overlords before it's too late.

(h/t: NHL Tournament of Logos)

Counting Down to Opening Night: In 6 Days...

...the drought begins again.

2007-08 Preseason Foreplay: San Jose Sharks

It's usually not a good idea to rob anyone while wearing a gigantic shark costume.
(C) San Jose Sharks
Quick hits
  • Fear not loyal fan, JR is back in the NHL and he's better than ever!
  • The Sharks are down with
Odds for the folks at gambler's anonymous

18 to 1: Jeremy Roenick breaks San Jose's single season scoring record. Off the ice.

Over/under on how many arrests mascot SJ Sharkie will have this season: 6


Things that make your eyes bleed


(C) San Jose Sharks


Obligatory serious analysis

Last season, the Sharks set franchise highs in points and wins on their way to a fifth place finish in the Western Conference. In the playoffs, they knocked out the high-flying Nashville Predators before losing to the Red Wings in six games during the second round. One of the biggest stories of the year was the emergence of many young players in San Jose. In his second full season in San Jose, Milan Michalek nearly doubled his point total from the previous season, scoring 66 points in 78 games. That mark put him in 4th place in team scoring. Right behind him were rookies Matt Carle (42 points) and Ryan Clowe (34 points). This year, there is no doubt the Sharks will be looking to those and other young players to step up and help put this team over the top.

On the transaction front, the Sharks made a few moves that should be interesting stories to watch this season. Of course, Mark Bell has been in the news, but that shouldn't affect this organization. Bell was traded to Toronto along with Vesa Toskala earlier this summer, and was later arrested for a drunk driving hit and run incident. Later, he was suspended by the league for 15 games. The Sharks received draft picks back from Toronto for these two, but we'll have to watch Evgeni Nabokov now that he has once again been handed the reigns to the Sharks' net on a full time basis.

More interesting, perhaps, will be the effect of Jeremy Roenick on the team. The enigmatic veteran forward was thought to have retired, but instead has come back to play one more year with the Sharks. His behavior in Phoenix last season was an issue, and Roenick has a habit of making any situation interesting, so this should be a fun storyline to watch.

Other transactions include the addition of defender Alexei Semenov and the losses of Scott Hannan and trade deadline acquisition Bill Guerin. Hannan is a solid defender, but the Sharks have some young kids that can hopefully fill his shoes. Either way, these transactions will be less than important/interesting.

What to look for this season; is Roenick really going to keep his mouth shut and be a team player? and will the young players have as much or more of an impact than they did last season?

Prediction: The Sharks should be up to their old tricks again this season. I figure we'll find them right up there with the Ducks and Stars for the division title yet again. They're going to have a heck of a shot to win the Pacific, with Anaheim's short, tumultuous off-season and Dallas' lack of serious improvement. The Sharks didn't improve a heck of a lot either, which is why I think this will be a serious fight to the finish. I think the Sharks edge out the division title and the second spot in the West.


The best looking ice girls in San Jose
No ice girls in San Jose as far as I know, so it's time for our Celebrity-NHL city connection of the day: Grey's Anatomy's Kate Walsh is from San Jose.



Previous Editions of Preseason Foreplay

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Counting Down to Opening Night: In 7 Days...

Objects may not be as old as they appear...

Friday, September 21, 2007

2007-08 Preseason Foreplay: Buffalo Sabres

Rejected Sabres jersey design #41.
MJ2 on Flickr
Quick hits
Odds for the folks at gambler's anonymous

47 to 1: Rick Jeanneret mouth opens so wide after calling Maxim Afinogenov's first goal of the season, he accidentally eats his co-host.

124 to 1: Sabretooth finds a way to induce another ice age.


Obligatory serious analysis

Except for the Nashville Predators, no team has had a tougher and more tumultuous off-season than the Buffalo Sabres. After winning the President's Trophy and getting stomped out in the Eastern Conference Finals, the Sabres saw their two biggest stars (and co-captains) flee through free agency. Chris Drury made a quick trip downstate to the New York Rangers, while Daniel Briere also moved to the Atlantic Division after signing with Philadelphia. Additionally, deadline acquisition Dainius Zubrus left for New Jersey.

One of the bigger stories out of Buffalo this summer was the re-signing of Thomas Vanek. After Drury and Briere had bolted, Edmonton GM Kevin Lowe made an offer sheet to Vanek, who was a RFA. The Sabres matched the offer, signing Vanek to a huge seven year, 50 million dollar deal. To make matters worse, defenseman Teppo Numminen has been having some health problems and owner Tom Golisano has been crying poor.

Fear not! Help is on the way, Buffalo. It comes in the form of net minder Jocelyn Thibault, the Sabres only major off-season acquisition. Oh boy. It's going to be a long winter in upstate New York.

The Sabres finished 1st in the NHL in scoring a year ago, and there's no doubt that mark will decreased quite considerably this season. Hopefully for them, Tim Connolly will finally be healthy and Afinogenov, Pominville, Roy and Vanek can repeat their successes of last season. Chances are, the loss of Drury and Briere will not only drop the Sabres offense down a few pegs, but those four players numbers will likely decrease as well.

The good news for Buffalo -- and there's not much of it -- is that their defense will essentially be the same that is was a year ago. They are returning the same blueliners and netminder that helped them finished 5th in the East in goals against. That's not going to help much, but it's some solace for a team and fan base that is absolutely reeling.

Prediction: Obviously, this isn't a team that will be able to defend it's President's Trophy. If their returning forwards can repeat their production from last season, the Sabres should find themselves in the seventh spot in the East.


The best looking ice girls in Buffalo
Oh, those crazy girls in Buffalo.



Previous Editions of Preseason Foreplay

Canada: No Longer Half Price

South Park Mothers Against Canada
SFAngels.com

Well folks, you can forget about traveling to Canada any time soon. The Canadian Dollar is now equal to it's American counterpart, and that ushers in a new era. An era in which Americans going to Canada won't find half price hookers and half dollar beer nights. That's right. If you can remember all the way back to January 2003, Americans were getting an extra 65 cents on their Canadian Dollars. Today, not so much.

So how did Canada make such a big comeback? The answer isn't so much that Canada is making a comeback as much as the American Dollar is underachieving like it's Mike York and Sergei Samsonov rolled into one. This is yet another sign that the (American) apocalypse is upon us. I'm going to start buying canned food and batteries right now. Actually, I'll probably just move to Canada. That's so much easier.

You may not be able to get things at half price when you to go Canada anymore, but at least the drinking age in Canada is still 18. And there's free health care. And the rest of the world likes them. And there's lots and lots of hockey.

How much longer until the 2008 elections?

Counting Down to Opening Night: In 8 Days...

...you will begin a quest to find this year's whipping boy.


Thursday, September 20, 2007

2007-08 Preseason Foreplay: New York Islanders

Admit it. You know the Isles will win the Cup this year.
Newsday
Quick hits
Odds for the folks at gambler's anonymous

7 to 1: By this time next year, another backup goaltender will have a office position within the Islander organization.


Obligatory serious analysis

By far, this is the hardest preview to write. As you probably know I'm a die-hard Islander fan (there's three words you thought you would never see in the same sentence), but it's funny how my mind works. It's not like other die-hard homers. I don't have any unrealistic expectations of the team winning every Cup from now till eternity, or think Bill Guerin is the second coming of Mike Bossy. The way my psyche is composed of some pre-2004 Boston Red Sox 'the sky is always falling' mantra mixed in with the 'what else is going to go wrong' self-destructive thoughts of the Chicago Cubs. It's really fun if you like the feeling of consistent disappointment and being sure that you'll never see your favorite team when a title while still being in your early 20s. Couple that with a love of the NFL's New York Jets and it's a wonder why I'm still a fully functional member of society.

Enough about my problems, let's move on to the Islanders and what's going to get them shipwrecked like Gilligan this year.

For the Islanders, one year has changed everything and yet nothing at all. While the entire core of on-ice personnel has change almost completely, the team as a whole finds itself in the same position that it was last summer; everyone's laughing at them, no one is picking them to win anything, and their fans aren't sure what to make of any of it.

Yet again, most people believe that the Isles will finish last in the Eastern Conference. Others, such as ESPN's EJ Hradek, aren't so sure. Personally, I have no fucking clue. This is a team that has a solid coach and certainly is above AHL-level in terms of talent. That being said, it's the kind of situation where one injury, mishap or run of bad luck can subdue them to a solid chance at the #1 pick next June.

On offense, the team lost four of their top six scorers in addition to their short-term investment on Ryan Smyth going bankrupt. Mike Sillinger and Miro Satan return this year, and they'll get help from the additions of Bill Gurein, Mike Comrie, Ruslan Fedotenko and Josef Vasicek. If you exclude Smyth, who didn't add much to the team's playoff run anyway, this looks to be an offense of similar calibur on paper. Don't get me wrong, it's certainly not better, but this offense without the Alexei Yashin sideshow is going to be better than you think. This year, the team is going to be looking for Satan, Trent Hunter and former first round pick Sean Bergenheim to set up. If those three fall flat on their faces and no dark horses step up in their place, it's going to be a long season.

The Islander defense isn't looking any better. Goaltender Rick DiPietro come into his own last season, and finally proved that he can be a starting netminder in the NHL. "DP" had injury troubles down the strech, and without him it's clear that this team might as well play in the AHL -- he means that much to their success. The blueline is going to be looking for young kids to step up as well. This may be a 'move it or lose it' season for Bruno Gervais and Chris Campoli. Marc-Andre Bergeron was a nice addition and should be a solid contributor again this season, and Brendan Witt is the heart and soul of the team.

One thing that people should not over look is the contributions of injury prone Radek Martinek. Martinek is the fans' goat on Long Island, but believe me when I say that when he is healthy he is a very solid two-way defender. The hometown fans won't agree with me, but look at the statistics. Martinek matched his career high point total of 17 points while playing in 31 fewer games and (here's the kicker) he led the team in plus/minus with a 19 rating. Let me repeat that for all the naysayers out there. Radek Martinek led the Islanders in plus/minus last season. He's really not the swiss cheese that you think he is.

Prediction: This is a tough one. I don't think that this team will finish last. Things aren't as bad as everyone outside of Long Island believes. That doesn't mean they will challenge for the division -- which they won't -- but they should find themselves in the 11th spot come season's end.


The best looking ice girls on Long Island
Ah, the New York Islanders. The team that invented the ice girl!





Previous Editions of Preseason Foreplay

Blackhawks Set Record for Earliest Elimination from Playoff Contention

Narcoleptic Jon Toews is allergic to the puck.
AP Photo/Terry Gilliam

I think we've all heard by now, but things in Chicago are pretty bad. When a team starts to make the Islanders look lucky and competent, you know there's a serious problem.

This year, things have started to go downhill in the Windy City unbelievably early. Yesterday, wonder kid Jonathan Toews broke his finger during a preseason loss to Columbus. I'm not sure what is worse; that Toews will miss 2-3 weeks, or that the Hawks lost to the Blue Jackets. Either way, there's no doubt that this is probably a bad omen that this will be the 46th straight Cup-less season in Chicago.

Oh yeah, and defender Ryan Stokes was hospitalized for severe facial lacerations.

Alright, alright. These aren't serious enough reasons to write off the Hawks' season just yet. Still, they are some pretty bad omens, don't ya think?

Counting Down to Opening Night: In 9 Days...

It will feel like Christmas. Except in September.



...and there won't be any reindeer or gift giving. But there will be British accents.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Counting Down to Opening Night: In 10 Days...

Mike Keenan will begin his destruction of another NHL team.


Take cover, Calgary. Take cover.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Didn't Get Tickets to the Ice Bowl? Call Your Local Scalper

Mr. Bettman: How about a nice can of "d'oh, we fucked up again"?
Flickr: fabianjaehnke

I know I haven't touched on it here at BMR, but chances are you noticed that the NHL is going to have an outdoor game this year. I don't know why this isn't a yearly or at least bi-yearly, but I guess it's more important to market the league in Europe. I digress...

Funny story; turns out if you actually wanted to get tickets and attend the darned thing, well, you're flat out of luck. Tickets went on sale this morning and sold out in approximately 30 minutes. Why? Well it's partially due to Ticketmaster and the NHL not setting a limit on the number of tickets one person can buy. Sometimes the number is ridiculously high, like 8 (who has 7 friends, honestly?). This way, one would assume, the system would prevent a whole bunch of ticket resellers from buying a whole assload of tickets. Not this time. When there's no limit, we know it's not Average Joe buying up loads of tickets, that's for sure. So, in another daring sales move to win back fans, the NHL decided to set the limit at infinity. Nice job.

I could go on and on about how the NHL is screwing over it's fans and what not, but it's not worth it anymore. It's like saying baseball players are on steroids or the PlayStation 3 sucks; we've heard it enough and are ready to move on. Chances are, the NHL is just going to blame TicketMaster for this one anyway. It's not like they could do anything about it. The NHL doesn't have a contract with TM or anything anyway. It was out of the NHL's hands. Oh, they do have a contract? Yikes.

Counting Down to Opening Night: In 11 Days...

...Lou Lamoriello's trigger finger is going to start to itch.




Dear Mr. Sutter,

Good luck, God speed, and may Lou let you finish the season behind the Devils' bench.

Sincerely,

Kevin

Monday, September 17, 2007

2007-08 Preseason Foreplay: Ottawa Senators

Those are some serious costumes.
Flickr
Quick hits
Odds for the folks at gambler's anonymous

23 to 1: Bryan Murray will have another expletive laced tirade posted on YouTube. I know I'm hoping for it.

35 to 1: Dany Heatley ties his own franchise record for goals yet again.

3 to 1: Spartacat continues to creep out little children.


Obligatory serious analysis

Coming off a loss in the Stanley Cup Finals can be one of the hardest things a franchise has to regroup from. Calgary rebounded off of their loss to Tampa Bay by finishing third in the West two years ago (but they had an extra year to recover thanks to the lockout). Last season, the Oilers fell flat on their collective faces and wound up 12th in the West. For the Senators, they look to be just as much of a threat to win the East as they did last year, save for the fact that they will have more than a month less rest than many of their opponents.

The Sens had a very quiet off-season, as Niko Dimitrakos was their only notable addition. Dimitrakos played all of five NHL games last season in Philadelphia. Departed are Mike Comrie and Tom Preissing. Both were key ingredients to Ottawa's playoff run, and Preissing was arguably the team's best defender all season, as he posted 38 points and a plus 40 rating in 80 games. During the playoffs, the pair combined for 13 points and a plus two rating.

The main issue for the Sens this season will be a fairly simple one; can they repeat their run to the Finals in a much improved Eastern Conference? The Sens are essentially the same team, albeit one that's slightly worse thanks to the losses of Preissing and Comrie. Looking around at the East, there are a lot of teams
that made serious strides to become contenders and many contenders who improved their already solid on-ice product. Ottawa? Not so much. They're going to be a good team again this year, and thanks to the collective raid on Buffalo's players, Ottawa is undoubtedly the favorites to win the Northeast this season. Nonetheless, only time will tell if they have the energy to make another stretch run again this June.

Prediction: Ottawa is certainly the odds on favorite to take the Northeast crown this season and secure themselves a top 3 finish in the East. They conference title will not be as easy a win. The Atlantic is going to give them a lot of competition, and therefore I think Ottawa will take the second overall spot in the Eastern Conference.


The best looking ice girls in the Ottawa
Time for another stretch; Sarah Chalke, of Scrubs fame, is from Ottawa.



Previous Editions of Preseason Foreplay

Fixing the NHL -- Can We At Least Market the Darned Thing?

Just some food-for-thought for you on Monday afternoon. I had a short, albeit interesting discussion in my marketing class this morning.

It's the second week of the class (or maybe the third, time isn't really relevant right now), and as you might expect we're doing a whole lot of generic topics. We discussed what we thought marketing was, and what it's all about. We discussed the best and worst marketed products/leagues/etc in sports, and as you might have expected, the NHL was named among the worst.

Of course, being that I am in the southeast US most people didn't know too much about the NHL, or care about it for that matter. Not to say that there aren't hockey fans here, but you know what I mean. There was one point in the discussion I thought was interesting; someone mentioned one of the problem's with NHL marketing is that 'there are no stars'. You know, no Mannings or LeBrons who put the sport on their back and run with it.

I wasn't about to debate the merits of hockey, since it's always going to be a losing battle especially in the home of NASCAR, but it sparked some serious internal conversation. As a serious hockey enthusiast, I couldn't understand what they were talking about. 'No stars? Is this a joke? We've got kids like Ovechkin and Malkin. Then there's still those outstanding vets like Thornton, Iginla, Brodeur, Selanne and Sakic. Of course, there's also the second coming; Sid the Kid. He's the biggest thing to hit hockey since... well, since Gretzky! Yes, we've got stars! '

Then I came to my senses.

Of course the general populous doesn't think there are any star players in hockey, because no company in America would dare take a chance on having a hockey player preach about their product. Everyone knows about LeBron and the Manning brothers. Take my mom, for example. She doesn't know what team any of those guys play for, save for Eli Manning because he plays in our hometown. Nonetheless, she still knows who they are, what sport they play, and that they must be important because they're pitching Nike shoes and Gatorade bottles. She's not going to go out and buy their products or will want to see them play, but she recognizes that these sports are in the consciousness of many Americans.

When you take things out of the perspective of the average female 'baby boomer' there's much more of an impact. Other people will almost certainly be more influenced than she is, kids especially. I know I loved those McDonald's commercials from about 15 years ago with Larry Bird and Magic. You know they would play h.o.r.s.e. and call ridiculous shots like, "off the ceiling, off Ronald McDonald, off the house next door and in." My memory is a little hazy, so that's probably not entirely accurate, but I think you know the commercials that I'm talking about.

My point is, if a generation of kids (and adults for that matter) grow up not seeing any hockey on their TV sets, how can you possibly expect hockey to thrive in the future? Even if it's as little marketing as seeing a 30-second cut of Sidney Crosby, it still gets into the back of someone's mind. Heck, it might even be a good commercial that you don't even need to know anything about hockey to like, such as this Crosby commercial made by Gatorade, but not even shown in the States (as far as I know). Almost everyone can relate to pickup sports, and even if someone don't know who Crosby is, this ad would certainly get them wondering.

It's time to go beyond the 'My NHL' commercials and get some serious commercial backing. It might just be a pipe dream, but isn't there any company out there that the NHL can beg convince to pay for some air time? The last time I checked, NHL arenas aren't completely devoid of advertisements.


Counting Down to Opening Night: In 12 Days...

...it will be Duck hunting season. No, not these Ducks:



These Ducks:

Sunday, September 16, 2007

First Round Pick to Play in Bear Costume



According to the Patriot News, Capitals 2006 first round pick Nicklas Backstrom may start the season playing in a bear costume. I didn't really read the article, to say that I skimmed it would be more accurate, but judging by the title I figured that's what the author was trying to get at. I guess it's one of Ted Leonisis' new marketing tactics or something.

2007-08 Preseason Foreplay: New York Rangers

It's always funny when Mark Messier screams like a little girl.
Quick hits
  • The Rangers and Sean Avery have been contractually obligated to like each other by an arbitrator.
  • It's so much fun to pick on Mark Messier.
  • Even after all these years, Brian Leetch is still the classiest mothafucka around.
  • The Rangers won the Atlantic Division in the first year of it's existence (1993-94) and have not won it again since.
  • During the 2005-06 season, Jaromir Jagr set five team scoring records including the records for most goals, points and game winning goals in a single season.
  • Joe Micheletti is, in my opinion, arguably the best color commentator in the NHL today. That's coming from an Islander fan, by the way.
Odds for the folks at gambler's anonymous

17 to 1: Henrik Lundqvist continues his vendetta against ice girls, this time by setting upland mines around his crease.

5 to 1: It will take about two weeks for the New York media to call Glen Sather's job into question.


Obligatory serious analysis

Full disclosure: I've been an avid Islander fan for as long as I can remember, but I'm going to do my best to be unbiased during the rest of this post.

The Rangers grabbed the most media attention this off season by making a huge and previously inconceivable splash on the first day of free agency, by snapping up both Scott Gomez and Chris Drury. Combined, their deals total 12 years of service for the hefty sum of $86.75 million. If history is any indicator, these two could be the players that put the Rangers over the top.

While the additions of Gomez and Drury are enormous to the Rangers, the signings put them in a very precarious position. Not only did they not address any of the team's defensive needs, they also are now unbelievable close to the salary cap. Down the road, this could cause major issues in regards to re-signing young talent. We got a glimpse of that from the Sean Avery Fiasco earlier in the summer, and if things turn out for the worse, that may not be the last we will be seeing of those types of issues surrounding the Rangers. The team has a nice allotment of young talent, most notably netminder Henrik Lundqvist and forward Petr Prucha. It will be interesting to see how much of that young talent they will be able to hold onto in the coming years.

The other major issue that the team is facing this season is related to it's defense. The Rangers gave up the second fewest goals in the Eastern Conference last season, but a lot of that success can be credited to Lundqvist who started 69 games and had an outstanding GAA of 2.34. He went on to start all 10 of the team's playoff games and posted a ridiculous 2.07 GAA and .924 save percentage. The team lost Karl Rachunek to New Jersey and outside of Marek Malik and Michal Rozsival, there's not a whole lot of stars to talk about on the blueline.

Let's not focus too much on the negative, though. There's no doubt that the Rangers will make a heck of a run at the division title this year, and if Lundqvist is stellar yet again, they'll be right there in the race for the conference title as well. On paper, their offense looks like it is arguably the best in the East, right alongside Ottawa and Pittsburgh. For any other team, the loss of Nylander would hurt considerably, but due to the Rangers' off season additions, it's a non-factor. The team is returning Jagr, Shanny and Straka to go along with Gomez and Drury. Make no mistake, that's one of the best top fives in the league. If Prucha and some of the other kids can improve, along with a full season of Sean Avery, this should be a scary team in the attacking zone.

Prediction: I have said before that it's going to be a dog fight between the Rangers and Penguins for the top spot in the Atlantic, and I'm sticking to my guns. In the end, I think the Pens will take the title, leaving the Rangers with the 4th spot in the east.


The best looking ice girls in the Big Apple
The Rangers don't have ice girls, but the Knicks, who by the way still exist, have dancers.



Previous Editions of Preseason Foreplay

Saturday, September 15, 2007

All Your Blogs are Belong to Us

Over a the NHL Arena Program blog, they crowned JR's post from a few weeks back the 'blog of the week' from 8/28 - 9/4. I couldn't get in touch with JR this morning, he's probably lying in a ditch somewhere in a drunken haze, so I'll be accepting on his behalf. So, um, thanks! That being said, they run a good blog over there, so you should definitely check them out.

My only question is; when will we be the congratulatory blackjack and hooker party be happening?

Thursday, September 13, 2007

2007-08 Preseason Foreplay: Colorado Avalanche

That probably took way too much effort.
Getty Images
Quick hits
  • Yes, Colorado does still have the joy of paying Jose Theodore.
  • Last season, the team's record sell out streak ended on October 6, 2006, when the Pepsi Center was 326 people short of capacity. The bar has been set at 487 straight sell outs. Your move, Detroit.
  • Patrick Roy was a pretty angry guy, I guess.
  • The team has some new duds for the upcoming season.
  • Paul Stastny was about 2 1/2 years old when Joe Sakic made his NHL debut.
  • The Avs hold the NHL record for most consecutive division titles with 9 between 1995 and 2003.
  • Last season, Stastny set the team record for rookie points in a season (78) and the NHL record for longest points streak by a rookie (20 games).
  • Sakic scored 100 points last season, his highest total since the 2000-01 season when he had 118.
Odds for the folks at gambler's anonymous

7 to 1: The guy with the face paint won't get laid tonight... or any night this month.


Obligatory serious analysis

The Avs made some solid moves in the free agent market this summer, but they are a conundrum for many preseason prognosticators, such as myself. This is a young, inexperience team coming off what is, for their franchise, a down year. The Avs finished ninth in the Western Conference, missing the playoffs for the first time since they were known as the Quebec Nordiques more than a decade ago. Through free agency the team added Scott Hannan and Ryan Smyth, but many believe that the team overpaid for both players and they will certainly have to earn their money to lift the team back to the top of the conference.

On defense the team lost Patrice Brisebois, but he will most likely not be missed thanks to what should be a more developed core of young defenders. That being said, the team allowed the 5th most goals of any team in the West last season, and the Avs hope that Hannan will be able to help improve that mark. Either way, they're going to need to find a serious starting goaltender. Jose Theodore hasn't shown stellar form in years, so he's likely to be warming the bench yet again. The Avs are going to need Peter Budaj, who turns 25 on Tuesday, to take the role rather than simply be the starter by default. He did just that last season, improving upon all of his 2005-06 marks, with a 2.68 GAA, .905 save percentage and three shutouts in 53 starts. Hopefully for Colorado Budaj can kick it up another notch this year.

Prediction: With Hannan and Smyth on board and a load of young talent, the Avs will be improved this year, but I think they will still only sneak into the playoffs in the 8th spot.


The best looking ice girls in Colorado
Surprise, surprise the Avs don't have any ice girls. In their place is Jessica Biel, who grew up in Boulder, Colorado.


Previous Editions of Preseason Foreplay

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Crowning the Next Patrick Roy in Montreal

Has this guy left a curse on the nets in Montreal?
Canadian Press

In Montreal, or what can be affectionately referred to as Canada's version of the New York Media Machine, the crowning of the next Patrick Roy has begun again. It's almost like a semi-annual event up there. What I'm referring to is the enormous pressure to perform that has been put on seemingly every person who has stood in the Habs' net since Roy left in December 1995.

Let's start the morning with a little history lesson, class.

First, there was Jocelyn Thibault, who was received by Montreal in the trade for Roy. His fate was sealed from the start, despite putting up decent numbers during his tenure. The fact is, you can't replace a legend, not matter how much the end of his time in Montreal crashed and burned.

After Thibault, French Canadian Jose Theodore was anointed as the next young netminder to put the Habs on his back and take them to the promised land. We're all young enough to remember how that ended up. His relationship with Montreal could be classified as bipolar at best. In 2002, he led the team to the playoffs while winning both the Vezina and Hart trophies. The following season he posted a 2.90 GAA and the Habs missed the playoffs for the fourth time in five years. He rebounded with a great season in the last winter prior to the lockout, but after the lockout, nothing would ever be the same.

During the 2005-06 season he only played 35 games in Montreal before being shipped to Colorado, just like Roy. Theordore held a unsightly 3.46 GAA and .889 save percentage during his half season in Montreal that year. The straw that broke the camel's proverbial back was his banishment from international play for two years due to doping allegations. It was later revealed that Theodore had been using the hair growth drug Propecia legally, but the damaged had already been done.

The latest incarnation of Roy was supposed to be an actual Frenchman, Cristobal Huet. He took over in net after Theodore was let go, and finished the 2005-06 season with a 2.20 GAA, the best save percentage in the league at .929, and helped the Habs get back to the playoffs. Sound familiar? In the off-season, he was briskly rewarded with a two-year, $5.75 million dollar deal. Last year, Huet fought late season injury and poor play, but ended up winning the starting job by default after David Aebischer collapsed early on. Huet would finish the year with a 2.81 GAA and a .916 save percentage, but Montreal missed the playoffs. Sensing a pattern here?

Now that you know the long back story, imagine my surprise (I mean, lack thereof) after seeing what TSN and the Montreal Gazette had to say about Canadiens' rookie camp. If those two media outlets are any indication, then the engines on the nearly 15 year man hunt for the next netminder to lead the Habs to a Stanley Cup are revving up again. Both outlets anointed 2005 first round pick Carey Price as the new savior of the Canadiens. The headline in Sunday's Gazette put it bluntly; "Price relaxed despite task of proving he's no. 1 man... Rookie goalie Must convince Canadiens he's good enough to hold top job and not be backup with the NHL club." The first line of the accompanying article was just more of the same, saying that "there's no player in the Canadiens' rookie camp who is facing as much pressure as goaltender Carey Price."

TSN's coverage was more toned down, despite the fact that an article and photo of price were given front page exposure on TSN.ca all day Tuesday. The first line of that article reads; "Carey Price has passed every test so far in [Juniors and the AHL] and no one doubts he can ace the next one - making the Montreal Canadiens out of training camp."

To their credit, all of this is not without justification. By all reports, Price has played stellar in Montreal's rookie camp so far. The Habs' official website even went so far as to call the young goaltender a 'puck-stopping machine.' That being said, it's a little bit early to start anointing this kid, and at barely 20 years old he is just that -- a kid, the next Masked Savior of Montreal. The Media Machine of Montreal is tough to deal with, and who knows how that could affect a 20-year old rookie.

We all knew this day would more than likely come at some point, though. When the Canadiens used their first round pick in the 2005 draft on a goaltender, the fifth pick no less, you knew there would be sky-high expectations the second his name was read at the podium, even if his name was, say, Sammy "Swiss Cheese" McGivesUpGoals. Luckily for the press in Montreal, Price is a lot easier to spell and pronounce than McGivesUpGoals.

This isn't the first we have heard of Price. If it's the first you're hearing about him, you obviously do not live in Canada. Price put up stellar numbers in juniors, and followed that by dominating the AHL playoffs this past spring. He only started in two regular season games for the AHL's Hamilton Bulldogs, but during 22 playoff games he posted a 2.06 GAA along with a stunning .936 save percentage. Hamilton went on to win the Calder Cup, thanks in no small part to Price. Fittingly, he was named Calder Cup MVP. If that didn't hype him up enough, he backstopped the Canadian Junior Team to a Gold medal at the World Junior Championships, where he gave up only seven goals in six games, including two shutouts.

By all indications, this kid is in fact, the 'real deal'. Then again, so was Huet, who also put up stellar numbers in the AHL and Thibault was a former thirteenth overall pick. Never mind about them, though. Thanks to the overwhelming attention being given to Price, the final chapters in Huet's time as a Canadian are probably being written as I type. At this point, he is only another name to cross off on a long list of guys who have either cracked under the pressure of the Montreal Media Machine or been given the boot by the next 'can't miss' goalie.

June will mark the 15th anniversary of the Habs' last Stanley Cup victory, which is also the longest Cup-less drought in team history. Patrick Roy helped lead the 1992-93 version of the team to glory, and since then, Montreal has been grasping at straws to find someone that can uplift a mediocre team and carry them through to glory in June. It's funny how things work, though -- the same people that lift up each of Roy's successors are also the first ones to bring them down and toss them to the curb. Just ask Jose Theodore or Cristobal Huet.

You Don't Just Buy Them a Plane Ticket Out of Town

If you've ever wanted a little insight into how the front office of an NHL team does it's job, well, you got it thanks to the Islanders' P.R. Guru Chris Botta. Botta has a blog going, but my main reason for posting about it is a pretty neat clip about the process for announcing a trade to the world. For those of us who have never been behind the scenes, it's an interesting read. He even manages to take a shot at what I assume is Edmonton's Kevin Lowe and his actions surrounding the Ryan Smyth trade. That's pure speculation on my part, but I don't believe that it's too hard to read between the lines.

"...Nevertheless, it sometimes hasn't stopped a (cough, Canadian) GM from contacting a (cough, Canadian) reporter whom he feels he owes a scoop and then some player ultimately learns his fate in the most unprofessional way possible."

Just an fyi; throughout the article Botta keeps saying how a trade will go down today for the Isles. Thanks to being in the future, or that being in the past... whatever... well, we now know that the trade he is referring to is yesterday's trade between the Isles and Boston involving Ben Walter and Petteri Nokelainen.

2007-08 Preseason Foreplay: Washington Capitals

I think I found a nominee for the next 'things that look odd, but actually did happen' post.
Art.com
Quick hits
  • World, meet Backstrom Prime. He is an unstoppable wrecking machine.
  • The basement is warm and cozy: the Caps have finished last in the Southeast three years running.
  • [Insert obligatory joke about how bad the Southeast Division is] The Southeast's slogan for the upcoming season; The AHL ain't got nothin' on us!
  • Olaf Kolzig is still South African.
  • The Caps are having a 'buy one, get one free' deal on season tickets. That's pretty sweet.
  • Washington has had a staggering 12 first round picks during the last six drafts.
  • I still think Dale Hunter is a fucking jackass.
Odds for the folks at gambler's anonymous

16 to 1: Alex Ovechkin will do something that will make your eyes remove themselves from their sockets.

35 to 1: Ted Leonsis gets into a blog war with Hulk Hogan, and they settle it with a steel caged hockey game. That would be freaking sweet!


Obligatory serious analysis

After three straight finishes at the bottom of the southeast division and an unbelievable amount of stockpiled draft picks, it looks as though the Caps are ready to make their climb up the standings. I believe they will be a much improved team, but their problems is that almost every other team in the East will be much improved.

This summer the Caps made nice splash in the free agent market by signing Tom Poti, Victor Kozlov and Michael Nylander. All three will be welcomed additions to an offense that finished third to last in the East last season (side note: that the Devils won their division while scoring the fewest goals in the East in still unbelievable). Now, there's even a possibility for the Caps to create an All-Soviets line; Alex Semin, Alex Ovechkin and Victor Kozlov. There's little doubt that their off-season additions should help improve the offense. After all, their off season wasn't completely horrific to begin with as my statistics may indicate. To their credit, they only scored nine fewer goals than the Southeast Division Champion Thrashers.

The problem for the Caps is going to be defense and goaltender. Olaf Kolzig is 37 this year, and the number of effective years that remain in his career in diminishing very quickly. He posted a 3.00 GAA, a half a goal lower than the previous year, but is still only the second time is GAA was at or three since the 1995-96 season. To his credit, his .910 save percentage was his best mark since the 2002-03 season.

Last season, the problem wasn't necessarily so much Kolzig. Rather, the issue was with the players in front of him. The Caps defense was ineffective to say the least, and they are returning the same squad this season, with exception of the addition of Poti. Poti won't add much to the Caps in terms of defense; he's much better known for his ability role as an offensive defenseman. Aside for his miraculous +16 rating with the Rangers during the 2005-06 season, Poti hasn't put together a positively rated season since the 1999-00 campaign, and that's not going to change this year in Washington. This year, how good the Caps defense is going to be hinges on the development of their young players. Among them are Steve Eminger, Washington's first round pick in 2002, Mike Green, the team's first round pick in 2004 and Sasha Pokulak, their 2005 first round pick. Of course, there's also this year's first round pick Karl Alzner. The point is, at some point these guys are going to have to step up and turn this defense into, well, a defense.

Prediction: The Caps' place in the standings will be improved, but I believe that there are still too many liabilities for them on defense. They will find a home in the 12 spot.


The best looking ice girls in Washington
The Capitals will yet again not put together a team of ice girls for the coming season. For shame, Ted Saskin! FOR SHAME! In their place, I give you Washington Redskins cheerleaders.





Previous Editions of Preseason Foreplay

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

9-11-2001


Photo credit: Shield on Flickr

Backup Goaltenders are Better in Management Positions

That stare will be PERFECT for intimidating interns!
Getty Images

Yet another retiring back up goaltender has been promoted to a management position within the New York Islanders organization. Today, the team announced that Mike Dunham will move from his seat on the bench to a seat behind the bench, and become the team's goaltending coach.

Thanks to the sellar play of Wade Dubielewicz down the stretch last season, the team rewarded 'Dubie' with a full-time job as Rick DiPietro's back up this summer. This left Dunham with no roster spot in the organization, and presumably there was little interest from other teams in the league. Goaltending is a buyer's market in the NHL right now, and even ignoring Dunham's craptastic play last year, it would be hard for him to find a job. Chances are, Dunham waited out the summer and found no better offers than a job behind the bench with the Islanders. I've got nothing against the guy, but the team was 4-10-3 in games he started during the regular season, and there's no denying that they were much better off with Dubielewicz (4-1-0), and DiPietro (32-19-9).

...and cue the Islander jokes. I knew it was about that time in the summer.

2007-08 Preseason Foreplay: Toronto Maple Leafs

This is confusing on so many levels... and somehow completely accurate
JayZoo.com
Quick hits
  • The Leafs are my personal favorite for being the next Canadian team to choke in the Stanley Cup Finals.
  • Toronto Maple Leaf greatest hockey team in the world,
    All other teams are run by little girls.
  • GM John Ferguson is determined to hold Sean Hill accountable for the Leafs' playoff misfortune last season.
  • An astounding 57 players and front office personnel that have spent time in a Toronto uniform are currently in the Hall of Fame.
  • The franchise has been around since 1927, but has only had 16 different captains.
  • Mats Sundin is 8 points away from topping Darryl Sittler and becoming the franchise's all-time scoring leader.
  • Last season, Andrew Raycroft tied the franchise record for goaltender wins in a season with 37.
  • Dubious Record of Distinction: Bob McGill holds the franchise record for most consecutive games without a goal at 198.
Odds for the folks at gambler's anonymous

12 to 1: Jason Blake will still look like a fetus when he dons a Maple Leaf sweater.

25 to 1: You can't pronounce Colaiacovo.


Obligatory serious analysis

The Leafs missed the playoffs by a mere point last season, and they were not too happy about it. After all, who wouldn't pass up the opportunity to get spanked by Sabres in the first round? The Islanders sure enjoyed it, that's for sure. It's safe to say that, on paper, the Leafs should be more improved this year, but not so much that they will miss out on the opportunity to be the eighth seed in the Eastern Conference.

On the way out this summer were Mike Peca, J.S. Aubin and Yanic Perrault, all of whom should not be missed greatly. To fill the gaps left by those players have come a multitude of talented ice hockey players, including Jason Blake, Vesa Toskala, Mark Bell and perrennial Martin Broduer seat warmer; Scott Clemmensen. Clemmensen and Toskala should provide Raycroft with some healthy competition in camp, but the challenge will probably come from Toskala, who showed he can hold his own in the NHL last season. As for Bell, well, he's not going to be playing for a while. On a more positive note, Jason Blake should be a welcome addition of speed and goal scoring to the Toronto offense. The Leafs had the 8th most goals scored in the NHL last season, but their second and third highest point producers were defenders Bryan McCabe and Tomas Kaberle. The addition of Blake will hopefully take some of the offensive pressure off of those two, allowing them to help out a defense that was 25th in goals against last season.

In my book, Toskala should overtake Raycroft for the starting job this season, which will certainly help to improve the Leafs. Along with Blake's presence up front, this will be a better version of the Maple Leafs -- albeit one that still has some holes to fill on the blue line. If they can bring in another solid defensive player, they could find themselves as high as the sixth spot this season. Down the road, the future is not so bring. Jason Blake and Mats Sundin are on the older side of things, and the Leafs are going to have to find players to fill those gaps. Kyle Wellwood looks to have the potential, as he scored 42 points in 48 games last season. That nearly matched his 81 game total from the prior season.

Prediction: The Leafs will be improved, but it will be a marginal improvement at best. Right now, I would slot them in the seventh or eighth spot in the East when everything is said and done. If I had to choose, I would put them in the eighth spot.


The best looking ice girls in Toronto
All of these teams that don't have ice girls are really starting to piss me off. They are making doing these season previews harder and harder. Jerks. So here's your six degrees of separation, or whatever you want to call it for the Maple Leafs. The University of Toronto Gospel Choir made an appearance in the movie The Wishing Tree, which starred Alfre Woodard, who made five appearances on Desperate Housewives last year, which stars Eva Longoria. Therefore, the Toronto Maple Leafs are only six degrees away from Longoria. And there's nothing wrong with that.



Previous Editions of Preseason Foreplay

Sunday, September 9, 2007

2007-08 Preseason Foreplay: St. Louis Blues

The Blues -- not just for piano anymore.
Quick hits
  • Paul Kariya would make a pretty awkward looking pitcher.
  • The franchise dates back to 1967, but has never won a conference championship. That is a pretty amazing statistic considering the fact that the team made the playoffs for 25 straight seasons between 1980 and 2004. They
  • Here's a weird statistic; between 1990 and 2002 the Blues had a total of four first round picks. Since 2003, the Blues have had eight first rounders, including three first round picks in the 2007 draft.
  • One can only hope that Brett Hull will be as much fun this season as he was for us last year.
  • Depending on whether you like him or loathe him, you can thank/curse out St. Louis for giving the world Bob Costas.
Odds for the folks at gambler's anonymous

8 to 1: Come December, you'll probably be wondering where in the world Paul Kariya is, because you forgot he signed with the Blues. I know I will.

6 to 1: You can't pronounce Bacashihua.

14 to 1: Paul Kariya will be turning 33 this October, and the realization that his career is beginning to come to an end will make you feel old. That is, of course, if you remember where he is.


Obligatory serious analysis

Thanks in part of the work of GM John Davidson, the Blues made a big step up last season. After finishing with the worst record in hockey two years ago, the Blues record 81 points last year, an increase of 24 points and finished 10th in the Western Conference. Hoping to build on that success, they re-acquired Keith Tkachuk, who had been traded at the deadline to Atlanta and made a splash in the free agent market by signing Paul Kariya. They also added Hannu Toivonen, who along with the returning Manny Legace and Jason Bacashihua, will should give the Blues some insurance that, if nothing else, there will be at least one solid starting netminder between the pipes for opening night. Legace had a night year last season, as did Bacashihua in limited time. Toivonen's sophomore season in Boston was a disaster and complete departure from his freshman campaign, but hopefully for the Blues he can regain form. The point is; they should have a solid goalie not matter who wins the starting job.

As for the Blues' offense, Kariya will be a welcomed sight. The team finished 26th in the NHL in scoring last year, and there's no doubt they'll be much better off with Karyia. He has missed only one game in each of the last two seasons, scoring 85 points in 2005-06 and 76 last year. For a comparison, Dough Weight led the Blues in points last season with 59. Kariya should put up just as good numbers this year, and should also increase the production of his line mates -- the man's got serious ice vision, folks.

What will probably end up being the biggest issue for the Blues is that they will be returning the same defense that finished in the bottom third of the NHL in 2006-07. In terms of transactions, Jamie Rivers is the only blue line departure, and there are no notable signings to speak of. Kariya certainly doesn't bring any defense to the table, and the Blues are going to have to find a way to improve that back line if they want to go anywhere in the post season. That being said, I think it will be an up year in St. Louis.


Prediction: I believe the Blues will continue to progress this season, but the West will be too tough for them. I think they will finish in 9th, on the outside of the playoff picture.


The best looking ice girls in St. Louis
Ok, I couldn't find any girls in Blues attire, and the team has no ice girls, so stay with me on this one; it's a stretch. Budweiser was born in and is based in St. Louis. Therefore, the Bud Girls are also from St. Louis. So, here's some Bud Girls.






Previous Editions of Preseason Foreplay

Previewing the 2019 NHL Draft

Meet Josh Niedermayer, one of the stand-out prospects who will become draft eligible in time for the NHL draft of 2019. His distinguishing characteristics are being a shorthanded specialist, eating bagels, and being extremely indecisive about big decisions. As you can see, he has his father's genes.

Photo credit: AP, Nick Ut

Saturday, September 8, 2007

2007-08 Preseason Foreplay: Los Angeles Kings

Another gem from Lets Go Kings. If you're wondering, that's Anze Kopitar.
LetsGoKings.com
Quick hits
Odds for the folks at gambler's anonymous

Over/under on the number of goaltenders that will make a start for the Kings this season: 3.5. If you were not scoring at home, the Kings used five net minders last season.

20 to 1: The Kings finish ahead of Anaheim in the Pacific Division.

5 to 1: John Buccigross denounces Hakan Loob and anoints Yutaka Fukufuji as the best name in hockey history.


Obligatory serious analysis

Let's face it, things can't get much worse in the City of Angels than they were last year. The Kings had an ungodly amount of goaltender injuries and turmoil, they finished with the third worst point total in the NHL and the cross-state rival Anaheim Ducks won the whole shebang. That's the good news in Los Angeles this summer; it probably can't get any worse.

After three years of increasing point totals, the Kings took a step back last year and finished with only 68 points. They made a number of serious summer acquisitions, including Michal Handzus, Landislav Nagy, Kyle Calder, Tom Preissing, Brad Stuart and J.S. Aubin. When healthy, all of these players can make solid contributions to a team. The key words in that sentence, and for the Kings' season; 'when healthy'. The Kings had last season derailed due to injury problems, and keeping Handzus and Stuart healthy is no sure thing. Those two combined to play all of 35 games last season, which makes those signings a risky proposition. They are both great players... when healthy.

As for Aubin, he certainly does help not clear up the Kings' goal tending situation. Aubin was stellar in very limited time two seasons ago in Toronto, posting a 2.28 GAA and a 9-0-0 record. Last year, Aubin posted a 3-5-0 record with a miserably 3.34 GAA in limited action as the Leafs' back up. The story is the same for Dan Cloutier and Jason Labarbera. Both have been solid goalies in the past, but have been anything but in the last few seasons. The departure of Mathieu Garon alleviates some of the back log, but with Cloutier and Labarbera still rostered, and both are up to the task of standing between the pipes as well or better than Aubin, nothing is certain. That's going to be the main issue for the Kings; can any one their three net minders regain their old form?


Prediction: The Kings made a nice splash in free agency and have a plethora of young, talented forwards. Their offense should be fun to watch this year, but they have serious issues in goal and they already have a very weak defense that lost Aaron Miller (ok, that's not saying too much) this summer. I see them finishing no higher than 11th, probably in the 12th slot.


The best looking ice girls in Los Angeles
I mean... Jeez.







Previous Editions of Preseason Foreplay

It's Always JR Time Somewhere




Crusin' around the internets, and found this on LetsGoKings.com. Oh JR, is there any way you can't amuse us?

Update: I'm hosting the image locally now, so hopefully everyone can see it. Sorry for the mess up.

Last Call for Fantasy Hockey

There are still a bunch of open spots remaining for the second BMR fantasy hockey league. Yeah... Peter. Uhhh, if you could get those filled up by... oh, Monday night. That would be greaaaaaaat. Yeah. And Peter, uh, yeaaaa, gonna need you to come in Saturday. Ok? Greaaaaaat. Thanks. Oh, oh, and I almost forgot. Ahh, I'm also gonna need you to go ahead and come in on Sunday, too... Greaaaaat. Thanks.

Yahoo! Fantasy Hockey
League id: 30874
Password: messiersucks
Live draft: Monday, September 10th, 9:30 PM EST

Oh, and remember; next Friday... is Hawaiian shirt day. So, you know, if you want to, go ahead and wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans.

Friday, September 7, 2007

First Peek at NHL's Online Broadcasts?

Just in case the website gets taken down, here's a screen shot.
NHL.tv

If you can remember all the way back to mid-July, you might remember that the Wall Street Journal broke a story (you have to be a subscriber to read that... bastards) about the NHL signing a deal with NeuLion Inc. The deal was supposed to "make live games available on the web starting next season." By the looks of it, that may be closer to fruition than any of us realized.

Head on over to www.nhl.tv, and have a look for yourself. There's two possible scenarios going on over there. Either we are witnessing the first makings of the NHL providing live games over the internet, or they are trying to open a portal to another universe. I would assume it's a universe where a species similar to our own would pay millions for broadcast TV rights. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the former scenario is occurring, and as an Islander fan living in the southeast United States, this is a development that cannot possibly come soon enough. If this ends up turning out to be anything similar to MLB.tv, I might just start punching babies in blind excitement. OK, maybe I won't be that excited, but I'll be pumped.

Right now, when you click on the link at NHL.tv, it sends you to some error page. Looks like the portal to another universe isn't ready yet. That's fine, they've still got about three weeks to make it work before the season starts.

I guess we'll just have to wait and see about all of this, but isn't speculation fun?

Here's a fun parting fact. Neil Best of Newsday reports that NeuLion's CEO is Nancy Li, the wife of Charles Wang, who owns the Islanders.

UPDATE: Well, apparently that link is working now. This is what pops up when you click it:




Thursday, September 6, 2007

Dallas is the Snarkiest Team in the League

The big news out of Dallas this week were the billboards that the Stars put up all over town with ballsy slogans plastered across them. The slogans are pretty hilarious and take shots at the other major American sports. Obviously taking a shot at the NBA and the whole Tim Donaghy situation, the Stars put up one that reads "the only thing our refs shave is the ice." That's what you call a classic.

The Stars pulled no punches, even going after what could probably be referred to as the official sport of Texas. I'm talking, of course, about football. That billboard reads, "One game a week? Is the N in NFL for Nancy?"

Major League Baseball got their proverbial pie to the face as well, with one that reads "maybe baseball should stop using the word sacrifice."

To help the Stars in their cause, I have decided to give them a hand by coming up with some slogans they can use if they plan to go after other NHL teams. Feel free to leave your own ideas in the comments, which I'm sure will be much more clever. It's all about the team contributions.

I have a really bad habit of always mentioning Game Six.

This is really a given...

Have to take the obvious shots at the division...

And of course if marketing department likes lolcats...

And the obligatory dick joke...




2007-08 Preseason Foreplay: Pittsburgh Penguins

The don't call him the second coming for nothing.
The Hammer
Quick hits
  • It's quite possible that Sid the Kid is what's keeping you alive this summer.
  • I always liked it better when Penguins wore scarves.
  • The 105 points that the Penguins recorded last season was the second highest total in team history and nearly doubled their total of 58 points in 2005-06. It was one of the biggest turnarounds in NHL history.
  • Things have turned around so much in the Steel City that the Penguins now have a waiting list for season tickets.
  • Along with the Islanders, the Penguins have never won the Atlantic Division since the NHL moved to it's current divisional format in 1993.
Odds for the folks at gambler's anonymous

5 to 1: The Pens win the Atlantic for the first time and Sidney Crobsy retains his title as NHL scoring champion.

45 to 1: Frank Pietrangelo is spotted downtown, eating spaghetti.

132 to 1: Jean Claude Van Damme makes a blockbuster sequel to Sudden Death and it puts the NHL back in the forefront of American's minds.


Obligatory serious analysis

The Penguins made an epic turnaround during the 2006-07 season. Last winter, it looked as if the team would surely move to Kansas City, but the powers that be kept it in Pittsburgh, and things could not have turned out better. There is a waiting list for season tickets, Sid the Kid led the NHL in scoring, and the team came within two points of the Atlantic Division title. The Pens went from a 58 point performance in 2005-06 to a 105 point season last year, and finished tied for fourth in the East. They lost in their return to the post season to the eventual conference champion Ottawa Senators, but the Penguins proved that they have arrived and are here to stay.

Everyone knows they're loaded with young talent; Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, Jordan Staal. The list goes on and on. If you were not paying close attention this summer, what you might have missed was the Penguins adding some veteran presence to a team that will surely contend for the division, and potentially eastern conference titles. The team re-signed Crosby, Ryan Whitney, Maxime Talbot, Colby Armstrong, and Rob Scuderi (Nassau County represent!). Not only that, but they decided to keep veterans Mark Recchi and Gary Roberts around for another year. The duo will earn two million and two and a half million dollars, respectively. Adding to the veteran depth will be defender Daryl Sydor from Dallas and Petr Sykora from Edmonton. But calling those two 'depth' may be a bit insulting at this point. Sykroa has 53 points for the Oilers last season, and despite being 35-years old, Sydor is still a top 2/3 defender.

While other teams in the Atlantic made a huge splash in free agency and vastly improved their on-ice products (see: Rangers, Flyers), the Penguins made some quiter moves. Don't let that fool you -- this was already a top notch team, and the additions of Sykora and Sydor should put them over the top, giving them the ammunition for a deep playoff run.


Prediction: It's going to be a dog fight for the division crown between the Rangers and Penguins, but I'm going to put my money on Pittsburgh. The Penguins will take the Atlantic (barely), and with it the 2nd spot in the Eastern Conference.


The best looking ice girls in Pittsburgh
The Pens do have ice girls; the Delta Dental Pens Patrol. Nonetheless, I think this was a much better find.







Previous Editions of Preseason Foreplay

BMR Fantasy Hockey Update

There wasn't much of a response for a second league to be made, but I went ahead and did it anyway. It would be pretty neat if we could get this one to fill up too. There's 11 spots, 12 including myself. So now, between the two leagues, that gives 22 of you the chance to gloat about it when I finish in last place -- in both leagues. That's some serious nightmare fuel for me.

Anyway, if you are already in the first league, please don't sign up for the second one. Let's try and keep this open to as many people as possible. Additionally, please don't sign up if you think you won't check your team at all after October 2nd. It's really better for everyone when the league has as few 'dead' teams as possible.

Without any further ado, here is the low-down on the second league.

This one is also hosted by Yahoo! Fantasy Sports and is also a live draft. The draft will take place this Monday, September 10th, at 9:30 PM EST. I'm hoping that we can accommodate people on both North American coasts that way. Again, there are 11 spots and it's a head-to-head league. The league id # is 30874 and the password is 'messiersucks'. Here's a look at the league settings, which are the same as the first league.

Max Teams: 12
Scoring Type: Head-to-Head
Max Moves: No maximum
Max Trades: No maximum
Trade Reject Time: 2
Trade End Date: March 6, 2008
Waiver Time: 2 days
Can't Cut List Provider: Yahoo! Sports
Trade Review: League Votes
Post Draft Players: Follow Waiver Rules
Min Games Played: 3
Weekly Deadline: Daily - Tomorrow
Start Scoring on: Week 1
Roster Positions: C, C, LW, LW, RW, RW, D, D, D, D, G, G, BN, BN, BN, BN, IR
Stat Categories: G, A, +/-, PIM, PPP, SOG, W, GAA, SV%, SHO


And jeez, I'm just flat out horrible when it comes to naming fantasy teams. In this league I settled on 'Roenick's Alter Ego' after no deliberation whatsoever. The names I'm coming up with are pretty embarrassing. I'm sorry.

The draft of the first league is Friday night at 9:15 EST. Apparently, it's been invaded by Blues fans. It looks like the rest of us are going to have to quell that little revolution. Here's the list of teams entered in the first league. My personal favorite is the classic 'Die Wurtz Die'.

  • Plausible Failures
  • Phoenix Pharts
  • Lasers go Pew Pew
  • Boddington Drinkers
  • Coke ftw!
  • Break Even
  • ThruYourGirl's5Hole
  • Eric Douglas Rules
  • Keanu Reeves on Ice
  • Winged Wheels
  • Die Wurtz Die
  • Blues 4 Stanley Cup
Good luck everyone!

2007-08 Preseason Foreplay: Philadelphia Flyers

Classic.
Quick hits
  • Citizens of Philadelphia are losing sleep over the anticipation of the return of the Dancing Orange Shirted Fat Guy.
  • The team lost Mike York to the Coyotes via free agency. That's probably the best value that they could have expected to get in return.
  • James Van Riemsdyk is pimp.
  • You probably knew this already, but the 56 points that the Flyers earned last season was the lowest total in franchise history. Keep in mind that in 1967-68 they only played 74 games.
  • What you might not have known is that 56 points is the lowest total for any NHL team since Atlanta put up 54 in the 2001-02 season.
  • Relive the magic of the Flyers' first ever win.
Super sweet marketing disaster caught on tape

The Flyers are using the Dancing Guy in their marketing. Obviously, the marketing department took the summer off.




Odds for the folks at gambler's
anonymous

12 to 1: As usual, the Flyers choke in the playoffs.

27 to 1: The Philadelphia Phantoms win more games this year than the Flyers.

2 to 1: You can already tell that I don't like the Flyers and that this post is an example of biased reporting.


Obligatory serious analysis

The New York Islanders made a historic turnaround during the 2001-02 season by recording 96 points, annihilating the mark of 52 points that they had set the previous season. It was one of the biggest turnarounds in hockey history, and I believe that it's safe to say the Flyers will see a similar turnaround this season.

Last season, the Flyers finished dead last in the NHL and put up the fewest amount of points that the league has seen since 2001. Throw it out the window. After this summer's acquisitions, the sky is the limit for these new look Flyers. The team has added Daniel Briere, who put up 95 points last season, former Edmonton Oiler captain and defensive stalwart Jason Smith, All-Star Kimmo Timonen and obtained a stud net minder by the name of Martin Biron at the trade deadline. That's not all folks. Additionally, Scott Hartnell and enigma Joffrey Lupul were brought in. If the Flyers can return Lupul to the form he had in Anaheim (53 points in 81 games), they could be a serious contender for the conference in the spring. With the notable exception of Joni Pitkanen, the only players that the Flyers have lost has been almost entirely dead weight (Mike York, Todd Fedoruk, Geoff Sanderson).

I don't think I have to go much further in proving to you that the Flyers will be a playoff team this season. Just how far they go still remains to be seen. It's been the thinking in this 'new' NHL that teams are going to have to build less from free agency and more from the draft and home grown stars. The Flyers are going to be the best guinea pig that we may see for a while. If you look at their lineup, their top two defenders are new along with the starting net minder and number one forward. Briere should fit in perfectly one a top line with Gagne, if the Flyers choose to pair them, but if they can't bring back Peter Forsberg and solve the Lupul mystery, their offense will hurt their place in the standings. Although Timonen is an offensive defenseman, Briere will essentially be the only serious new scoring threat in the lineup for a team that scored the fewest goals in the Eastern Conference. Their defense should be stellar, but it will be interesting to see how the offense comes along. The Flyers may not contend for the conference title this season, but they will be in the playoffs and it will be interesting to see just how far they can push the envelope in what will be a completely revamped Atlantic division.


Prediction: The Flyers will stay competitive for the division title in the Atlantic, but there are going to be too many strong teams (see: Rangers, Penguins) for them to take the crown. They'll find their niche, though and take home the 7th spot in the East.


The best looking ice girls in Philadelphia
It's the Delta Dental Flyers' Ice Team!



Previous Editions of Preseason Foreplay

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

September is Already More Interesting than August

What happened to Frank Pietrangelo? Why, he's eating spaghetti, of course.
The Pens Blog

There's a whole slew of news to get through today. It's only the fifth day of September, and I feel as though there's been more news this month than in the entire month of August. Thank goodness. It's beginning to look an awful lot like hockey season!

First item of business is the BMR fantasy league. There are 12 teams in the league right now, and some people were having trouble getting in it last I heard. I would assume that the league is now full. I don't know how it works exactly. I could be wrong. If you're still interested in participating, just say so in the comments and we'll see if we can get a second league going if there is enough interest. Thanks to everyone who has joined so far!

JP has got the low-down on the new Flames and Habs jerseys. They're looking pretty sweet, imo. The Habs went with the old school look, and it was definitely the right move. It's an easy way to win over the fans, and sticks with tradition. You really can't go wrong with either of those options, and the Habs decided to choose them both. For one, Jes Golbez is a big fan of them. As for the Flames, the changes certainly don't follow tradition. The back of the jersey looks pretty odd, but they really are going to hit a good note with their fans thanks to the shoulder patches that they added. The left shoulder has a Canadian flag, and the right features the flag of Alberta.

The Reebok Unis are also coming to the AHL. Thanks to JP for that one as well.

Fernando Pisani is out of the Oilers' lineup indefinitely with ulcerative colitis, which just sounds horrible, and the Oiler guys over at Battle of Alberta have already lost it. It's starting to look more and more like this season is going to require Oiler fans to have short memories. There's always 2008-09, folks... and bashing Kevin Lowe. That is always fun.

Finally, if you were ever wondering what happened to all those guys from Pittsburgh's 1991 and 1992 Stanley Cup winning teams, here's your answer.

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

PSYCHE! Got You Losers Good!

Hahahahahaha! You thought I had forgotten about you. Losers. Wanted to stop by and say 'suck it' to all of you bloggers and readers out there. Kidding. I love you guys. I haven't seen your pasty sunless faces in so long! You're the fans and you're what makes this sport run. That's why I'm going to take back that silly little text message and bless you all with another season of JR. You're going to get to watch one more go around from the best that American hockey has to offer. I'm going to team up with Joe Thornton, Cheech, Nabokov and we're going to rock the motha truckin' house. Why? Cause I'm JR. That's why. I was the last person to lead the Blackhawks to the Stanley Cup Finals. The Blackhawks. THE. BLACK. HAWKS. They haven't been a real team in, I don't know, about 30 years.

I can't forget about the teammates. I would have never come back to play for a non-contending pussy assed team. That's why I'm with the Sharks. They rock. Nabokov? He makes CuJo look like a left-back third grader. Cheech? Can't go wrong with a name like that. The guys is from Moose Factory. I don't know what the fuck is up with that, but that's awesome. Don't forget about Thorny, Carle, Marleau (French for fucking awesome) and all those other knuckleheads. We're gonna tear through the Pacific like Nicole Richie tears through a line of coke.


Now, you're probably wondering; 'oh great JR, what about last season when you had only 28 points in 70 games?' Well kiddies, that's cause JR didn't give a flying fuck last season. The Coyotes suck. Plain and simple. You wouldn't have given a rats ass either if you were in last place. Trust me.

So hang tight, kiddies. The season's almost here. It's almost time for you to sit your weakass down in front of the tube and watch God's American gift to hockey. Suck it.



-JR

P.S. That Toskala trade; that was all me. I wasn't going to play with that jerk
.


Now back to your regularly scheduled blog. Bitches.

Hey Kid; Do Yourself a Favor and Suck It Up

John Tavares does not like his precious childhood.

Leader-Post/Bryan Schlosser

Meet John Tavares. John is your average (soon to be) 17 year old wonder kid. John has got more hockey skill in his left knee than most of us have in our entire bodies, and he is only a teenager. So, John gets to not only enjoy the fun of being young and verile, but he's also really, really, really good at hockey. Sucks to be John, doesn't it?

Well, all of this tradgedy can be made right. If only the NHL would change its rules, poor and out of luck kids like John would be able to declare for the NHL Draft earlier than the current rules allow. You see, despite all of his best efforts, John was born unlucky. This particular Wonder Kid was born five days too early (Sept. 20th, 1990) to be eligible to declare for the 2008 NHL Draft. League rules stipulate that you must turn 18 before September 15th, 2007 to be eligible for the draft.

Poor John. He's going to have to wait a year in Juniors, while he rips apart kids who are a year (or more) younger than him. Jeez -- they might even be as old as he is! He's going to have to watch all of his buddies, who are older than him mind you, get the tar beat out of them like college freshman pledging the most notorious frat on campus. He'll have to watch his stock for the 2009 draft rise, as he diligently pursues the retention of his title as CHL Player of the Year. Heck, he might even be a consensus #1 by the time the 2009 draft finally comes around. You might not know it, but as a 16-year old, Tavares broke Wayne Gretzky's OHL scoring record. Not only that, he finished 2nd in the league's scoring race to only Patrick Kane. Poor John. That's just terrible.

What is a kid to do?

Petition the league to make an exception, that's what.

According to TSN, Tavares and his agent have contacted the NHL about granting exemptions into the draft for certain players.

Tavares's agent, Bryan Deasley, says he has spoken with NHL deputy commissioner Bill Daly and Players' Association associate counsels Ian Penny and Stu Grimson about the possible creation of an exceptional player clause that would allow certain players to be drafted a year early.

Deasley said he has sent a memo to each party about the merits of a clause. He says he's not asking for a blanket change in the draft age.

''We are not looking for anything other than an exceptional status consideration from the league,'' he said. ''Every once in a while a player comes along that compels us to look at things more clearly and differently - outside the box.''

I mean seriously. With all of the hockey wisdom that people have imparted on this kid throughout his life, and I'm sure there's been a ton, couldn't someone have given him some practical knowledge and told him that patience is a virtue? Rules are rules. Like them or not, we've got to obey them. If they're unfair, the justice system will correct them (in a perfect world). If we start making exceptions for every John Tavares, then every other kid is going to be wondering, 'hey, where's my exemption?'

Seriously. This is all a fucking joke, right?

Hey kid, here's some advice; play in the CHL for another year. Kick the shit out of your opponents. Win the league scoring title again, a feat which you will probably accomplish pretty easily. Enjoy being a kid -- you're only 17. Time goes by faster than you can imagine. Then, in 18 months, you'll be ready to be the #1 selection in the 2009 NHL Draft. You'll be some franchise's savior and will get a major and deserved payday. Big bucks and colossal media attention? Sounds pretty sweet to me. The problem is, kid, the tortoise beats the hare. Take the long road. It's better. I Promise.


Monday, September 3, 2007

Things That Look Odd, but Actually Did Happen

We'll see how this goes, but there's a good chance it may become a regular feature around here if it appeases you guys; Things that look odd, but actually did happen. You know, it's all the stuff you forgot about like; Eric Lindros getting drafted by the Nordiques, and the fact that there used to actually be a hockey team in Winnipeg (sorry that one probably stings a bit). Enough of my horrific lead in, here's the first installment.

Let's start with an easy one. Wayne Gretzky was dealt at the trade deadline to the Blues in 1996. That didn't go so well, and he jetted for the Rangers in the following summer. He played all
of 18 games (+13 playoffs) in St. Louis. Most people remember this, but it still looks God-awful.

If you think back, this one isn't too hard either. Bryan Trottier in a Penguins uni. He's in the Hall of Fame and his jersey number is in the rafters on Long Island, but who remembers that he spent his final three seasons in Pittsburgh, including two Stanley Cups? Actually, probably everyone.


Here's your curve ball. Paul Coffey in a Blackhawks jersey. The Hall of Fame defender's career spanned three decades and nine teams. He's probably most remembered for winning three Cups in Edmonton, two more in Pittsburgh and a lengthy stay in Detroit. What you probably don't remember is the 10 games he spent in Chicago in 1998 before being traded to Carolina.

You know it happened, but in 10 years you won't. Owen Nolan in a Coyotes jersey. This is another one of those aging-former-all-star-finishes-his-career-in-a-random-city deals. It was only last season, so you know it happened unless you were in a coma. My point is, in 10 years this is going to look as awkward as, well, The Great One in St. Louis.

If you were not impressed previously, be prepared to be impressed now. Eric Lindros in a Toronto Blue Jays jersey. They play baseball, if you were wondering. Now that's something that looks really, really odd but actually did happen. Suck on that, people who thought I wasn't going to come up with anything decent and are now gouging out their eyes because they're looking at Eric Fucking Lindros on a baseball card. That. Just. Happened.

Sunday, September 2, 2007

2007-08 Preseason Foreplay: Calgary Flames

Dear Lord... It's... It's the mustache of Lanny McDonald!!
Quick hits
  • Flames Ice Crew girl/plaything/eye candy Kylah's favorite book is the Dictionary. I am not shitting you.
  • Jim Playfair wasn't a big hit with the fans up in Calgary. Nonetheless, he leaves with the highest winning percentage of any coach in team history. Ok, it was only one season. I'm just saying.
  • In case you need to be reminded, Mike Keenan might turn Calgary into a small, Canadian, post-apocalyptic world.
  • You probably knew this already, but Theo 'miniature hockey player who ingests powder through his nose' Fleury is the Flames' all-time leading scorer.
  • The Stampede Corral is still one of the best names for a venue. Ever.

Super Sweet Video Flashback

Way back in 1987, the Flames put together their version of the "Super Bowl Shuffle," and oh boy is it freakalicious.




Odds for the folks at gambler's
anonymous

65 to 1: Kristian Huselius impales Mike Keenan with his stick sometime during the first 25 games.

133 to 1: Harvey the Hound will get his tongue yanked out again. This time, the perpetrator will not be Craig McTavish. It will be either an enraged Mike Keenan or a drunken Kevin Lowe.


Obligatory serious analysis

Things are a bit anxious up in Calgary right now. The coming season is going to be answering a lot of questions about a team who is on the verge of a potentially make or break year. The Flames got bounced in the first round of the playoffs last season and have had major personnel turnover. It will be interesting to see if they sink or swim this season. For the fans in Calgary, there are a lot of unanswered questions such as 'can we overcome a revolving door of defenders,' 'how much will Owen Nolan contribute?' and, of course, 'will Mike Keenan be a good coach, make nice with Huselius and not systematically destroy the team?'

The problem with the Flames is, there really aren't any easy answers.

If you haven't been scoring at home, the Flames defense has undergone a major change. Gone are Roman Hamrlik, Brad Stuart, Andrei Zyuzin, and Mark Giordano. In come Adrian Aucoin, Cory Sarich, and Anders Eriksson. On paper, the Flames don't come out on top of this deal. Anyone in their right mind would take the preceding four names for the following three. That being said, Stuart missed most of last season due to injury and so did Zyuzin. Their presence won't be missed entirely, and unlike Stuart, Zyuzin wasn't very effective when he was on the ice anyway. The questions that the Flames face on defense are: a) can a bunch of fresh faces who haven't played much together hold up the back line, and b) will Adrian Aucoin stay healthy? If my experience as an Islander fan shows me anything, it's that no, a team cannot be successful with a patchwork defense (then again, they're the Islanders). Aucoin's health is anyone's guess, but he's played only 82 games over the past two seasons, and that's never a good sign.

Behind Aucoin and Sarich, Owen Nolan was the Flames' biggest acquisition of the off season. Nolan has battled consistent injury problems over the past few years, but has played over 65 games in each season since the turn of the century except one. At 35 years of age, his decrease in production is also a concern, if not the more pressing one. He did put up 40 points in 76 games for a terrible Coyotes team last year, but if he can produce as he did prior to the lockout (48 points in 65 games during the 03-04 campaign), the Flames will be in good hands. Don't get me wrong, it's obvious Nolan is well past his prime, but I believe he still has the potential to contribute 55 points if he is able to play a full 82 games.

Finally, there is the wild card in all of this. Or should I say, 'devil'? Mike Keenan. Keenan famously won a Stanley Cup with the Rangers in 1993, but hasn't reached the playoffs since the 1995-96 season and has been run out of town in seemingly every coaching job he has taken. Most recently, as GM in Florida he supposedly lost a power struggle to coach Jacques Martin and was ousted. If Keenan can be successful behind the bench with a playoff caliber team in the new NHL remains to be seen. My bets are against it.

Side note: For his sake, I hope Keenan realizes how good Kiprusoff is, and doesn't switch him out every time he gives up a goal. He did just that with All-Star Roberto Luongo in Florida, which is more or less moronic in my book.



Prediction: There are too many questions on defense. Mike Keenan is behind the bench. This is a recipe for disaster, and I think the Flames will tank it and finish in 11th out West.


The best looking ice girls in Calgary
Flames' Ice Crew member Taymar. A name like that doesn't do her justice.


And obviously, I have to post this again. It's almost a crime not to.





Previous Editions of Preseason Foreplay

Reason to Live Until Next Season #6

The summer months can be long, hot and boring. In hockey terms -- the summer sucks. Beach season is great and all, but it's also a reminder that hockey is still far, far away. Hockey fans, this summer, please try and keep your sanity. To help you survive the long summer months, I'll be taking the time to remind you of the reasons why it's a good idea to make sure you live to see next season. Please, don't do anything rash this summer.

Reason to Live #6: Fighting is awesome, even if you won't admit it.

In recent years fighting in the NHL has been under some intense scrutiny. Maybe believe that the league is trying to quell something that has been a part of the sport for decades. Others want to see it banished completely (think of the children!). Of course, you have the folks who absolutely love it and want to see more of it, too. Right or wrong, entertaining and necessary or activity that sets society back a couple generations, it doesn't matter. You know you love to see it. It doesn't matter which side of the fence you're on.

Your team might be losing the game and mired in last place yet again, but if you beat the tar out of your opponent, at least you can take some solace in defeat, right?

When your arch rivals come to town, there's no sweeter victory. Beat them on the scoreboard and in the brawl? Admit it. You love it.

It's just another reason why you shouldn't do anything rash this season, folks. Hold on few just a few more weeks so that you can see the best non-alcohol induced brawls this side of a penitentiary.

Here's a pretty sweet Sens/Flyers fight from a few years back.


And the best non-NHL fight ever. This is from the 80s, and it's Canada vs. Russia. The benches freaking clear in this one. This might be the best fight ever. Something to watch for; at about the :50 mark, while things are still 5-on-5, you can see one of the referees just standing in the high slot, possibly checking his watch. I can't even begin to imagine how they handed out penalties for this one.


Previous Reasons to Live Until Next Season

Saturday, September 1, 2007

2007-08 Preseason Foreplay: Minnesota Wild

The new Wild jersey; "sheep's blood red".
NHL Tournament of Logos


Quick hits
  • As seen on The NHL Tournament of Logos Blog, the picture to your right shows the new Wild home jerseys for the upcoming season. They are supposed to be released next Friday.
  • The 104 points that the Wild earned last season were the most in franchise history. They also had the fewest goals allowed in the NHL, 191.
  • The Wild were second to last in the league in PIM as a team, with only 862 minutes. That's a full 595 minutes behind the league leaders, Anaheim Ducks.
  • The Wild's official website lists seven different players who wear the number zero. I feel like that could get really confusing. Maybe I'm wrong.
  • If you haven't heard, Derek Boogard runs a hockey camp that teaches kids to fight. No, really. He does.

Odds for the folks at gambler's
anonymous

45 to 1: Derek Boogard teaches Marian Gaborik to fight, and it ends with Gaborik getting pummeled by Donald Brashear. Gaborik never plays an NHL game after that incident.

24 to 1: Sean Hill gives some of whatever he was having to Jacques Lemaire, and Lemaire challenges Alain Vigneault to a steel cage match. The winner of the match will take home the Northwest Division title. Halfway through, Mike Keenan intervenes and lays the smack down on their candy asses.

5 to 1: SI FanNation confuses Washington's Nicklas Backstrom and Minnesota's Niklas Backstrom at least three times this season.


Obligatory serious analysis

With the exception of the Manny Fernandez trade, I don't think any team in the NHL has had a quieter off season than the Minnesota Wild. The only other major move this summer has been the signing of goaltender Niklas Backstrom to a lucrative two-year, 6.2 million dollar deal. Consequently, the Wild have put all of this season's hopes and dreams on a 29-year old net minder who has played in exactly 41 NHL games. To his credit, Backstrom shared the Vezina Jennings Trophy with Fernandez this past season and posted a 23-8-6 record with a stunning 1.97 GAA. If Backstrom can build upon this success, the Wild are going to go places. If not, then it's going to be a long year in America's self proclaimed 'State of Hockey'.

Last season, Minnesota's defense was the best in the league, giving up the fewest goals of any team in the NHL. Obviously, a lot of that success can be credited to their Vezina Jennings winning net minders, but the skaters were no slouches, either. The Wild killed 86% of their penalties, which was the second best mark in the league. While their team save percentage was 13th in the NHL, the team's cumulative GAA led the league with an astounding 2.20. The Wild are basically returning all of their d-men from last season, and have added Sean Hill. Hill won't have much of an impact regardless of steroid usage, and will be more of a depth player for them. Still, a little depth never hurts.

All that being said, the Wild offense leaves room for improvement. The team finished 19th in the NHL in scoring, and hasn't added much to it's forwards. Petr Kalus in coming to Minnesota from Boston via the Fernandez trade, and it's safe to say he was the biggest offensive acquisition of the summer. Kalus is projected to be an impact player, presumably a top six forward, but is only 20 years old and has all of nine games of NHL experience under his belt. That's going to be the problem with Minnesota this season, it's going to be just about the same team they had last year. Yes, that should get them into the playoffs, but when your best season in franchise history is a 7th place finish in the conference, there should be a serious thirst for improvement there. For the moment, there isn't much of that. Down the road, Kalus and 2007 first round pick Colton Gillies should help move the franchise up the standings.


Prediction: The Wild are more or less the team teams as last year, and consequently, I think they'll sneak into the seventh spot again out West.


The best looking ice girls in Minnesota
I've searched the internets long and hard, and I'm starting to think that there are no female Wild fans out there. Substituting today is the University of Minnesota's Women's Gymnastics Team.

(C) U of Minnesota


Previous Editions of Preseason Foreplay

2007-08 Preseason Foreplay: Edmonton Oilers

Kevin Lowe's thoughts on the off-season.
Darryl Dyck/Edmonton Sun


Quick hits
  • The Oilers posted 71 points last season, their lowest total since the 1995-96 season. It is also the 5th lowest point total for a non-lockout season in team history.
  • According to the sources in my head, Kevin Lowe has been contemplating sending an offer sheet to Wayne Gretzky in the hopes of having the Great One suit up in orange and blue, thus returning the franchise to it's glory days. Brian Burke and Darcy Regier are reported to be really, really pissed.
  • I'm going to start a campaign to allow the Oilers into the playoffs this season regardless of their record. Why? Because the end results are really fun to watch.
  • It's a bit of an old post, but if you have not seen it, you need to check out Covered in Oil's summation of the Oilers' 2006-07 campaign.

Odds for the folks at gambler's
anonymous

78 to 1: It's going to be a really, really, really long time before we see something like this happen again. Partly because Patrick Stefan is going to be playing in Europe this winter.

4 to 1: The leading cause of hospital visits in Edmonton this year will be caused by 'Ryan Smyth Related Depression.'

9 to 1: The Oilers are going to have a very comfy home in the basement of the Northwest Division.


Obligatory serious analysis

Apologies for cutting and pasting from an earlier post, but I feel like I summed up my thoughts on the Oilers pretty well in this post. And it's also 3 AM and I really want to go to bed.

Not a snowball's chance in hell [of making the Finals]: Edmonton Oilers
Kevin Lowe's newest incarnation of the Oilers isn't going to get to the playoffs this year. I'm going to make no bones about it. This team fell flat on their faces the second Ryan Smyth walked out the door -- and he's not coming back anytime soon. Joni Pitkanen, Sheldon 'Swiss Cheese' Souray and Dustin Penner have been brought in to try and fix things, but I can't fathom the Oilers making the playoffs in what has been the better conference in recent years. There's a big gap out West between the haves and the have-nots, and right now the Oilers are still a have-not.
By 'have-not' I mean 'seriously going to get reamed this year.' Just a clarification.


Prediction: Hold on to your hats, Edmonton. The Oilers are going to have trouble finishing much higher than 14th.


The best looking ice girls in Edmonton
The Oilers don't have ice girls, but these ladies are good enough for me.



Previous Editions of Preseason Foreplay

The Official BMR Fantasy League

Thanks to commenter blues 4 stanley cup, we've now got a handy dandy BMR Fantasy Hockey League. Anyone who's interesed is welcome to sign up, I just ask that you be serious! We don't need anyone who's going to miss the draft and stop checking their team in mid-November. Right now there is only four teams, including my own, so hopefully we can fill that up. I don't know how many teams the league is set up for, but I would assume 10 or 12, since it's a Yahoo league.

If you're interested, head on over to Yahoo Fantasy Sports and sign up. Check out the comments on the fantasy hockey post from Wednesday for all the details. Again, serious entries please!

And if you're wondering, my team name is Keanu Reeves on Ice in the league. It's a poorly thought out reference to the final tip in my fantasy hockey guide, and I've really got to rethink that one. Sorry for fucking that one up guys. Suggestions are appreciated.