Foot In Mouth Disease: Real, Live Journalists Peddling to Bloggers?

As anyone who regularly reads this blog or any other blog knows, bloggers love to take shots at actual journalists like a pot smoking hippie would at a corporate executive. Naturally, journalists in the main stream media (MSM) return the favor by dismissing the relevancy of bloggers in the same way a princess would look down upon a peasant. It's all a nice little circle of life that goes on in this part of the interwebs. If you're looking for proof of these points, look no further than Deadspin on any day of the week and the reaction the folks over at SportsJournalists.com had to the Islanders' blog box. Those are simply two examples out of hundreds.

Ironically, it turns out that not everyone in the journalistic community is turning their backs and dismissing this whole blogging thing as a passing fad. Why do I say this? Well, imagine my surprise when I started receiving emails a couple times a week from CBS Sports, a highly reputable bunch of professional journalists who, as it turns out, know that bloggers do indeed have an audience. Their strategy is simple and goes back to the age old idea of "a plug is a plug is a plug". Here's a snippet from the introductory email to this newsletter I was unknowingly subscribed to:

"About a year ago I started compiling a list of sports blogs – mainly ones that I read – and began occasionally sending pieces/features from CBSSports.com. The obvious thought being that some of you might include bits or references to these works in your posts."

I guess you could call the fine folks over at CBS Sports "closeted blogger lovers?"

Come on, now. There's no shame in that, even if you are part of the MSM.

I've got no problem with people sharing links via email. I get lots of email from people sending me various things they think I might find interesting, and I know I'm not the only one. Again, I really have no beef with that.

It's just funny that no matter how much hubbub and rhetoric comes from most people (not all) in the MSM about how petty and unimportant blogs are, that part of the MSM is out there adapting and changing by soliciting their content to blogs. That's a nice case of foot in mouth disease you guys have there. Might want to get that checked out. (Enjoying my sentence fragments so far?)

While this all sounds very condescending on my part, I'd like to take a moment to salute CBS Sports for trying, albeit in a self serving manner and covertly through email, to bridge a little bit of the gap between the MSM and bloggers. My only beef with CBS Sports is they really should stop sending me links to stories about A-Rod or the Colorado Rockies. First of all, this is a hockey blog. Hoc-key. Get it? Secondly, I don't care about baseball. Not at all. Not even a little.

Video Evidence That Islander Fans are Awesome

But you already knew that.


Thanks to the 2 Man Advantage.

Call Me Crazy, But Jones' Suspension is Justifiable

It's time the NHL stepped up and did a little more to protect players. Michael Dwyer/AP

Here we are about a month into the season, and we're already discussing and dissecting the umpteenth controversial and dangerous action taken by a Philadelphia Flyers player. Unbelievable. And that's ignoring all the wild lapses in judgment that went on last season -- I'm looking at you, Chris Simon.

First it was Steve Downie, and then Jessie Boulerice tried his turn Suspension Generator. The pair received a combined 45 games in suspensions, and probably caused an even bigger headache to the on the NHL'sFlyers' marketing department, not to mention the players that they cut down. Marketing now has their work cut out for them, adding to their task of overcoming their lack of rational thought that produced this gem during the summer.

The latest suspension of a Flyer was handed down today to defenseman Randy Jones for his hit on Boston's Patrice Bergeron Saturday night in Boston. The total penalty was two games. That's it. I imagine this number may lead many people into a frenzy questioning the methods and madness of NHL HQ, and let me come out and say it right now, the suspension is just.

Yeah, you heard me. Hold back a few seconds before you channel all kids of rage and disgust in my direction. I'll let you grill me, fry me and put me in a bun in a minute. Do whatever you wish, but first, hear me out.

Two games seems like an extremely weak sentence for a hit that sent a guy to the hospital and probably made many people wonder if he was even going to walk again. And you know what, it might be a tad short. Maybe six games or ten would have been more appealing to the ear, but it would not have been just.

The major difference between what Jones did as compared to Boulerice and Downie was his level of intent. In fact, I believe there was no intent to injure, unlike the two previous suspensions. Take a look at the first two incidents, and I'm sure you'll agree that there was a certain level of, how do you say it poetically, massive brain cramping with the intent to injure. When you look at the hit Jones put on Bergeron, not so much.

What Jones did wasn't some premeditated slasher movie imitation. Here, there is no similarities to any of the poorly thought out goonish cannibalism that we have seen from the likes of say, Todd Bertuzzi or Chris Simon. Jones meerly went to the end boards to tie up and knock the puck away from Bergeron in an attempt to regain control of the puck for his team and, you know, play defense. When Bergeron put his head down, Jones had to make the split-second decision of whether to pull up or to finish the check. Jones did what most hockey players in this tough, overly physical enviornment that we know as the modern NHL would do -- he finished his check. Had Bergeron kept his head up, he may have skated away with nary a bruise. I'm not blaming this on Bergeron. Not at all. All I'm saying is that Jones was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and made a hit that 99 times out of 100 the other player walks away. That is worlds different than skating up to someone who had just pissed you off and whacking them with your stick in premeditated retaliation.

In the end, what happens is we have yet another example of the NHL ignoring the problem instead of trying to correct it. In an era when why many lower levels of hockey have moved to a rules system that employs no-touch icing, and other sports leagues are working on improving the protection of a player's head (see the NFL) the NHL drops the ball. Whenever an offensive or defensive player turns their back to chase a dump in as Bergeron did, they are taking a serious risk to their own health. Even though it may be a 99 times out of 100 type of event, this situation occurs numerous times every game, and therefore we see this type of injury what seems like a couple times each year. The problem is, that due to very vulnerable body positioning, it can result in very serious injury. The ludicrous thing is that this is all accepted on the NHL level.

In youth hockey, the prime example of prevention of this type of injury are those stop signs that you see on the backs of youth hockey jerseys. It so happens that in the NHL, we are gullible enough to believe that players are old enough and conditioned enough to recognize the imaginary stop signs on the back of jerseys, such as the one Bergeron was wearing. For that assumption, we get what happened on Saturday night; a scene that no one wants to see starting with a player going limp on the ice and ending with a night in the hospital. Thankfully, Bergeron should be alright.

Giving a two game suspension to Jones isn't the sign of a league office that has gone soft, it's a sign that Jones isn't to blame. Bergeron was a victim of circumstance and a league which chooses to believe that hits to the head and other serious injuries like Bergerons are only part of the price for being a pro hockey player. Jones only had a fraction of a second to adjust to Bergeron and either was not able to adjust or did so in the wrong way. The play was one that occurs on a nightly basis in the NHL, and every so often ends horribly. Don't believe that? Look no further than Jason Blake who was carted off on a stretcher after a similar incident last season. And he's not alone, either.

Impressive Linguistic Talents - October 30th

The best comments from the past week...

The Golden Mullet
justin on Dan LeBatard is a Ridiculous Human Being

I just body-slammed my next door neighbors 7 year old, and then she was all complaining and whatnot. But I'm like, "Hey, how come they can do it in the WWE and no one calls the cops on them".

Awesome. Just awesome.


Second Place, the Silver Mullet, You Might Say
mike on Dan LeBatard is a Ridiculous Human Being

Personally, I always thought they gave out suspensions in basketball because they are so horrible at fighting. Seriously, it like an 8-year-old slap fight, or some jackass running across the court, cheapshotting somebody else, then running away.

The Bronze Mullet
dearlordstanley on If This is Anything Like a High School Reunion, It's Going to Suck

As far as Wirtz goes, "My Dad was an idiot on the TV thing" doesn't quite have the same ring to it.

...and +5 to bryce and loser domi. See? My memory is better than that of a goldfish.

The Lost Transcript: Chris Chelios Auditions for IPhone Commercial

Only the highest quality photoshopped images here at BMR!

Boy, have I got my hands on something special for the Monday morning post. As it turns out, Detroit Red Wings defender Chris Chelios auditioned to be in one of those IPhone commercials earlier in the year*. I've got my hands on a copy of the transcript from it (the video tape was too hard to come by) and present it to you without any further fluff.

---

Date: September 3, 2007

Location: Detroit, MI

Event: IPhone Casting Call

So this one time, I was sitting on the bench during a game and we were losing real bad. It was like the New England Patriots decided to play hockey. We were just getting stomped out.

Anyway, Ozzy said he heard about this new phone that could basically do anything. He said we should all buy one, cause then we would start winning. I was like, "Ozzy, it's a phone. Be serious." He was dead serious, though. I could hear it in his voice.

"Grandpa, I'm dead serious," he said. "This phone is the real deal. I know we're down 11-0, but if we were to go out and buy a couple during intermission, I know we'd be winning in no time!"

Even Nicky Lidstrom chimed in; "Nej , han er absolut rätt."

I still wasn't convinced, but reluctantly accepted cause I'm a team player and all.

"Nicky, you know I can't understand Swedish," I said. "but I'll trust you on this one Ozzy, as long as you give me gas money to get to the store."

We went and got them during the intermission and as soon as we opened the boxes, you could tell these things were special. I scored 100 goals in the first 30 seconds of the third period, and Ozzy actually made a couple saves. Heck, even Nicky learned to speak English. It was amazing. I've never seen a phone do those things before. Best of all, we ended up winning the game 111,076 to -20. I've been a believer ever since, and none of us ever step on the ice without our IPhones.

----

Impressive Linguistic Talents will be up later tonight...

* - Not true.

Epic Battle Update: No One Wins, Universe Still up for Grabs

From a website that's in a language I can't read.

Tonight I come to you with grave news. The fate of the universe is still up in the air at this hour, as both the Minnesota Wild and Paul Stastny mailed it in tonight.

The Wild lost 3-1 to Colorado, extending their losing streak to a season-long three games. Despite his team actually winning the game, Paul Stastny was held without a goal yet again. His goalless drought now spans 14 days and seven games.

At the moment, it is still unclear if the universe can recover from both of these utter disappointments. Only time will tell if another force will rise up and seize control.

For the time being, a team of actors has been assembled to save mankind. And womankind:

They've got the Guy Who Isn't Matt Damon but is Friends With Him, Billy Bob Thornton, the Big Black Guy from Green Mile Who is a Really Good Actor, that Creepy Dude Who's Always in Important Movies, the lead actor from the Fifth Element and, of course, some hot chick.

-----

Alright that's really going to be the last I talk about Stastny and the Wild for a while now. You might be laughing but I know that I'm killing you on the inside with these shenanigans. I'm going to quit cold turkey.

Minnesota vs. Paul Stastny: An Epic Battle for the Universe

This is madness! THIS... IS... CAKETOWN!!! AP Photo/Paul Battaglia

OK, so this isn't quite the epic battle it was when these two teams met last Sunday, since the Wild are on a losing streak for the first time this season and Paul Stastny hasn't had a point in three games, but it's an epic battle nonetheless.

We have only one period remaining to prepare ourselves to face the fate of the known universe. Will worlds collide? Will Paul Stastny ever score again? Does anyone other than me really care?

Soon, we will know the answers to such epic questions.

Soon, I will stop over using the word epic. But not today.

(+5 to anyone who gets the reference in the caption.)

Take the Long Way Home

Oh 80s hair, is there anyone you don't look funny on? Art.com

Tonight the New Jersey Devils will finally make their home debut at the brand spankin' new Prudential Center in Newark, New Jersey. Researchers are still unsure if the eight Devils fans that have already bought tickets are excited. It is believed that they may simply be a hockey loving race of zombies.

Sorry New Jersey, I had to take a shot. I'm obligated to by birth.

Anyway, the new Prudential Center finally opens tonight, only about three weeks late for the start of the regular season. They had a ribbon cutting ceremony the other day, where a whole bunch of important politicians and announcer 'Doc' Emrick spoke before the media. I imagine Emrick's speech went something like this:

"...and I'm walking up to the podium now, putting my left foot in front of the right. Newark mayor Cory Booker is over at the refreshment table, and he leans in to grab a Styrofoam cup with which he will likely fill with coffee. The coffee this morning is very hot, I burned the front of my tongue earlier on it but at the moment I am about to reach the podium, at which time I will begin to address the audience..."

No one is sure if he has taken a breath yet.

And if you're wondering, Jon Bon Jovi christened the arena last night with a concert. Naturally. After hearing that I was left wondering; where was the Boss?

Dan LeBatard is a Ridiculous Human Being

...sigh. Source

Memo to Dan LeBatard:

Please don't talk about hockey if you don't even know what it is.

This isn't word for word, but on ESPN's Pardon the Interruption this afternoon, LeBatard asked Tony Kornheiser a question to the effect of "Why is it that when the NBA fights, there are 15 game suspensions and playoff implications, etc. but when it happens in the NHL it's normalcy?"

Again, that's not word for word, but the point is the same. Dan wants to know why fighting in hockey is allowed while there are massive suspensions when it happens in basketball. There are a lot of different factors at play here, namely that fighting is ingrained in hockey much as it is in boxing, but Dan, it would be better if you just kept some things to yourself.

You might as well go to England and ask them why they play cricket and not baseball. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that just as the cultures of England and America are different, so are the cultures of hockey and basketball.

There are really so many factors at play here, including the fact that LeBatard is simply a talking head who is trying to compare apples to french fries for effect, that this isn't even worth talking about. I could write a thesis on how asinine the question was, but I'll save it for questions that, you know, actually require rational thought.

Update (10/27): Shaved ice has a great piece on this subject:

Tony [Kornheiser]:

"I'm sick of fights; I'm sick of designated goons. I know in the arena, these are very popular things. I thought as a culture, we had gone beyond this."

Yeah, which is why UFC is the fastest growing sport. Get over yourself. Clearly you have no idea that there is an unwritten code in hockey that still exists.

The audio of the aforementioned show can be found here. The exact quote from LeBatard:

LeBatard: "Do you ever wonder, do you ever wonder, I'm with you on this one too, do you ever wonder why the fights in the NBA, whenever there are fights in the NBA it's 15 game suspensions, it's craziness, it's rules that end up affecting the playoffs..."
Kornheiser: "And why not in hockey?"
LeBatard: (something inaudible about Amare Stoudamire) "...and in hockey nothing"

Today's Class Lecture: Simple Math Equations

Here at BMR, it's all about you, the people. That's why I'm taking the time to do a public service today for all the kids out there. You're the future, that's why you need to know things like maths, and how to map the Iraqs, such as.

In an effort to help today's youth learn as much as they can about hockey, I've compiled a list of simple math equations based on how many points each team has in the standings right now. It's also a good example of politics and how to build cities. For example, you need 2 2/3 Phoenix-es to make just one Minnesota. Who knew, right?

Boston / Buffalo = .5 Atlantas

Atlanta^2 = Minnesota or Ottawa

Toronto ≠ Tampa Bay... but Toronto = San Jose

2 Edmontons = Dallas + Nashville

Calgary + Philadelphia = 3 Vancouvers

That's all for today's class. Study up. This will be on the test. I'm looking at you, Buffalo.

The Daily Sniper: If There was a Hockey Game in Boston While the Sox are in the Series, Did it Really Happen?

News and notes from last night's action...

Homeless teens; the answer to the Bruins' attendance problems? AP Photo/Michael Dwyer

Boston 3, Chicago 1 -- Its not like you have to be reminded, but there were a lot of things going on last night that were competing for attention from the people of Boston. There was Game 2 of the World Series between the Sox and Rockies, as well as the #2 Boston College Eagles taking on Virginia Tech (that's college football). Low and behold, there was a hockey game, too.

But did anyone really see it? Did it really happen?

And more importantly; who in their right mind would actually choose the Bruins over both the Red Sox and BC Eagles?

The announced attendance at the TD Banknorth Garden in Boston last night was 10,290. Right. And I'm the commissioner of the NHL. In all seriousness there was probably about 3,000 people there. If that. Heck, they were probably all homeless people that the team pulled off the street to try and fill seats, lured by pretzels and cokes.

If you're of the belief that a game did indeed happen at the Garden last night, and it wasn't all a figment of our collective imaginations, you should note that the Bruins actually did win. I mean, jeez. There really is no stopping the city of Boston right now is there? First the Patriots then the Sox and now the Eagles and Bruins. The Celtics look pretty good this season, too. I guess after all the pain and suffering, God finally decided that it was Boston's time. I imagine that after this current run, Boston teams won't win a title until, oh, 4467.

Phil Kessel scored twice. Jon Toews had one for the Hawks. Ho hum, Boston wins (again).

Columbus 3, St. Louis 0 -- As it turns out, whatever Paul Stastny has been having, Pascal Leclaire has been having some, too. Leclaire turned away 36 shots to earn his fourth shutout in only his sixth start of the season.

I'll give you a moment to process that.

Pascal Freaking Leclaire just recorded has six starts and four shutouts this season.

Holy bejeezus. Right now he's got a .950 save percentage and a 1.34 GAA, and is doing a heck of a job working his way up Gary Bettman's hit list.

Rick Nash also had a sick goal, which he shot between his legs. The BJs can simply not be stopped, folks.

NY Rangers 2, New Jersey 0 -- Well, I guess someone had to win. Nigel Dawes (who?) scored twice for the Rangers, who helped continue making the Devils look like a shell of their former selves. I'm now taking bets as to how long it will be until Sweet Lou fires Brent Sutter. I give it until Thursday.

Toronto 5, Pittsburgh 2 -- Pittsburgh, that's just embarrassing. You should be ashamed.

Toronto scored five goals in a row, including two from Jiri Tlusty (who?). Alex Steen had three points for the Leaves, and Malkin and Crosby each had two points for Pittsburgh.

Phoenix 1, Anaheim 0 -- I take it back Pittsburgh, this is the most embarrassing score of the night. With the win, the Coyotes keep pace with Nashville for the worst record in the Western Conference. Craig Weller (I'm getting sick and tired of it but, WHO??) scored the lone goal for Phoenix and Alex Auld (OK, I at least know who that is) made 31 saves to earn the shutout. And earn it he did. The Ducks actually outshot the 'Yotes by a 31-21 margin.

Edmonton 5, Minnesota 4 (SO) -- The world mourns as the Wild are officially on their first losing streak of the season. They face a rematch with Paul Stastny and the Avs on Sunday. At that time, the fate of the universe will be decided.

Tampa Bay 5, Philadelphia 2 -- The Flyers join the Wild by earning their first losing streak of the season by also losing game on back to back nights. Brad Richards probably scored or something.

Los Angeles 2, Dallas 1 -- The Kings continue to take refuge from wild fires in their icy rink. Fire vs. Ice: who will win?

Yeah, I'm sorry. It's the eighth game of the night. I'm really stretching things right now.

Nashville 3, Altanta 0 -- If these teams combined their point totals, they would be tied for sixth place in either conference. So to review, Atlanta + Nashville = Los Angeles. Study up, class.

PARSCADT -- People Against Ryan Smyth Crying All the Damned Time

Is this what it looks like when Ryan comes home for Christmas ever year? Andy Devlin/Getty Images

Dear Ryan Smyth,

Look, I have no problem with athletes showing "emotions" and "feelings." It's what keeps them human and allows us to relate so much to sport.

But puh-leaseeeeeee, give me a break Ryan Smyth. If you care so much about the Oilers that it continually brings you to tears, then you should have signed with them in the summer. If it means this much to you, then you would have taken $2.5 million to go play in Alberta and would have gotten over whatever hissy fit you had with Kevin Lowe.

Look, it was touching when you cried after being traded. I got that. The Oilers wanted to re-sign you and then turned their backs on you and traded you to the nether regions of hockey. I get it. You played in Edmonton for what seemed like your entire life. I know, I know.

But give me a break.

The moment that you signed anywhere else this summer, it was essentially a written statement saying that you had moved on. So why don't you?

Best wishes,

Kevin

P.S. Apologies for a being a few days late about this but some of us have, you know, real life to deal with.

P.P.S. And no, I couldn't come up with a shorter acronym thank you very much.

Your Frozen Fantasy Sport Update

Well, things have been underway in the BMR fantasy league for a couple of weeks now, and everyone has had ample time to deal with crushing early season injuries. There's also those slumping disappointments that managers how to decide if they want to try and wait them out or not. I hate to name names, but I'm looking at you, Marian Hossa.

Here's a look at the first BMR fantasy league...

(click for full view)

And no, I didn't purposely highlight my own team in the standings. Yahoo! just happens to do that. 11-15-4 is nothing to highlight, either.

The Phoenix Pharts are in the lead, basically pulling a "Minnesota Wild" on the competition. But seriously a 16 point lead after three weeks? That is RIDICULOUS.

In the second fantasy league, things are looking a bit more promising for me.

Two words: Daymond. Langkow. Lucked out big time on that one. To be honest, I'm really glad that I'm not embarrassing myself in both leagues. I was afraid that was going to happen.

I'll update this again in a couple weeks, but in the meantime, good luck to everyone the rest of the way!

The Daily Sniper: The Wild Are Who We Thought They Were!

The Daily Sniper: News and notes from last night's action...

Denny Green knows who the Minnesota Wild are. AZCardinals.com

Calgary 5, Minnesota 3 -- The Wild are, indeed, human after all. That's what we thought they were, but we were all naive and let them get away with convincing us that they were of a higher power. They still were able to shut down Paul Stastny, though. That has got to count for something.

The Flames overcame a 3-0 first intermission deficit by scoring five unanswered goals the rest of the way. Alex Tanguay and Jarome Iginla each had three points for Calgary. And who said Mike Keenan can't motivate his players?

The Wild have now given up seven goals in their last two games. Somewhere, Gary Bettman is smiling and sipping champagne.

Apologies for the football reference.

Detroit 3, Vancouver 2 -- Numbers on the scoreboard may not be as close as they appear.

The Red Wings outshot the Canucks in dominating fashion, 39-15, and Tomas Holmstrom netted two to help Detroit to their seventh win in ten games.

Carolina 6, Buffalo 2 -- The Carolina Hurricanes are an unstoppable offensive force... when they feel like it. Four third period goals broke open what was a 2-2 tie at the second intermission, as five different players had a multi-point game. The Canes cruised to their sixth win of the year and have lost only once during their first ten games. As for Buffalo, well, not so much. Jason Pominville had two goals, if that matters.

Washington 5, Tampa Bay 3 -- The Capitals scored a season high of five goals Wednesday night in the District, pulling themselves back to the .500 mark. Captain Chris Clark (say that three times fast) was moved back to Alex Ovechkin's line, leading to Clark scoring his first two goals of the season. Ovechkin was no slouch either as he put up three points on the night. Lightning captain Vinny Lecavalier racked up 19 penalty minutes after being given a game misconduct during the third period. Hoo ha.

The score that makes you glance twice

Florida 4, Philadelphia 3 -- Yes folks, the Flyers rolled into Sunrise, Florida and surprisingly fell flat on their faces, suffering only their second loss of the young season. Olli Jokinen and Greg Campbell each had a pair of goals for the Panthers, while Daniel Briere's goalless streak climbed to five games. The city of Philadelphia holds its collective breath.

If This is Anything like a High School Reunion, It's Going to Suck

Smyth in an Avs uni still looks really, really weird. AP Photo/David Zalubowski

Today, there is a very important reunion going on in NHL land. If you live in Canada, the television stations have been beating this one into the ground and I really don't need to remind you of it, but I'll remind you anyway. It just so happens that today is the day Captain Canada returns to Edmonton for the first time as an opposing player.

Former Oiler Ryan Smyth will make his return to Edmonton tonight as a member of the Colorado Avalanche. Chances are, he's going to get one hell of an ovation from the Oiler Faithful, but my bet is that there will be a lot fewer tears this time around. I mean seriously, how could you top the display he put on in March?

One thing is for sure, this will likely be more entertaining than a high school reunion. There's really nothing worse than paying money to be reunited with people you were forced to put up with due to geographic location (or income level, if you went to private school).

In other reunion news, the Blackhawks are finally making amends with television.

Believe it or not, one of the biggest goofs in the history of sports marketing may finally come to an end. Rocky Wirtz, who recently inherited the reins to the Chicago Blackhawks from his late father, released a statement today saying that he is in negotiations with Comcast to televise Hawks games on cable TV. No matter how many times I hear it, it still amazes me that it's 2007 and we're only now talking about Hawks games on the tube. Ridiculous. Of course, this was all really a tribute to his father. We all know this is what Bill Wirtz really wanted.

"This is dad's team,'' he explained, "and there is no better way to honor his effort than to enable as many Blackhawk fans as possible to experience this new era of Chicago hockey.''

Yeah, I bet.

Minnesota Saves the Universe from Imminent Destruction

Brian Rolston puts on his best "epic battle" face. Scott A. Schneider/Getty Images

Sunday night a match of epic proportions took place in the city of St. Paul, Minnesota. The Inhuman Destroyer of Nations That Is Paul Stastny collided with what is currently the only other force in the universe that I consider unstoppable; the Minnesota Wild.

What ensued can only be accurately described as a battle for the universe that makes Transformers the Movie and any Star Wars flick pale in comparison. No folks, this was the real deal. This was a real life Superman colliding with a group of individuals that represent all that is wrong with the world (but that's only if you ask Gary Bettman's opinion, of course).

For those regular readers around here, you don't need to be reminded about any of that. You know the high regard in which these two forces of cataclysmic proportions are held.

Thankfully for all of us, the question that has been asked by many, many generations dating back to about two weeks ago, has finally been answered.

Coach Ditka versus a hurricane; who would win?

Oh, no wait.

In an epic battle for the universe between Paul Stastny and the Minnesota Wild, who would win?

Yeah. That's the question I was looking for.

Folks, today we can all take a deep sigh of relief. The Inhuman Destroyer of Nations That Is Paul Stastny has been stopped, and the universe was left almost totally intact! That's really an added bonus. This was a battle that was not easily won or lost. Facing a 2-2 tie heading into the third period, the outcome was in doubt and many were left fearing that the Battle for the Universe would be left up to the outcome of a shootout. Heaven forbid.

In the final period, the Wild would prevail thanks to a shot that was like a bolt of lightning thrown down from the sky by a force we cannot even conceive. Thus, the fate of the universe was decided on the powerful stick of one Mikko Koivu. A thousand generations from now, all will know the name Koivu and that on this night, it was his stick blade that rained like lava from the volcanoes of hell! It was he who had slain the Mighty Stastny!

Synopsis: The Wild remained undefeated and held Paul Stastny scoreless in the process.

Impressive Linguistic Talents -- October 22nd

After a much needed weekend off, here are the best comments in the week that was.

The Golden Ticket
rj on Jon Toews Will Destroy Your Life and Take No Prisoners in Doing So

"Bill Wirtz feels he is overpaid and wants him to stop scoring. It's too expensive to power that red lightbulb..."

The Medal for Being So Close, Yet So Far
casualhockey on Jonesy, Put Your Head Down and Write

"Wow, look at the size of his head. Fucking huge. Keith "Cartoon Head" Jones. Jeezus."

Bronze; Hey, it's better than nothing.
gwyshynski on Gary Bettman's Hit List

"Would you expect anything else from a middle-manager with zero people skills who finds himself in the captain's chair of a rudderless vessel?"

Jon Toews Will Destroy Your Life and Take No Prisoners in Doing So

Holy bejeezus.

The Daily Sniper: Your National Nightmare is Over

News and notes from last night's action...

The Thrashers are mildly enthusiastic about their first win. Gregory Smith/AP

Atlanta 5, NY Rangers 3 -- After six long, grueling games the Altanta Thrashers have finally won. We can now shift our attention to other, more important things such as once again going about our daily lives. My apologies to Ranger fans tonight have to be beside themselves right about now. Ah who am I kidding... WOO!! Suck it!!

Calgary 4, Los Angeles 3 -- The word out of Calgary today is that Mike Keenan's head has yet to explode. That's always good news. Daymond Langkow and Anze Kopitar each had three points in this one, as the Kings are still in search of their first road win.

Ottawa 4, Montreal 3 -- As it turns out, Carey Price is indeed human. He surrendered four goals on 29 shots, as the Sens chalked up another victory. Believe it or not, Alexei Kovalev scored his third goal of the season for Montreal and Daniel Alfredsson had three assists for Ottawa.

Philadelphia 4, New Jersey 0 -- Mike Richards continued his dominance of the National Hockey League, scoring his seventh and eighth points of the season to go along with a +3 rating. Martin Biron won his fourth straight game and recorded his second straight shut out.

Detroit 4, San Jose 2 -- Bryan Rafalski had three helpers for the Red Wings, and Chris Osgood (jeez, doesn't it feel like he's been around forever?) made 23 saves.

NY Islanders 5, Washington 2 -- Bill Guerin single-handedly defeated the Capitals, by scoring three goals. Two of those came on the power play. Bryan Berard (wow, it's weird seeing him play for the Isles again) recorded the game winner and Chris Campoli added four assists for the Islanders. Alex Ovechkin added his fourth of the year for Washington.

Toronto 3, Florida 2 -- Bryan Mccabe and Jason Blake scored for Toronto before Nik Antropov scored his sixth goal of the season to help the Leaves overcome a 2-0 deficit.

Boston 4, Tampa Bay 1 -- Marco Sturm had a pair of goals for the Bruins.

Edmonton 4, Phoenix 2 -- Edmonton power play... zero.

Buys and Sells: October 18th

Every week, or as often as I remember, I'll provide you with my poorly thought out ideas on whose stock is on the rise, and whose you should avoid like Enron. Three teams/players/things to buy, and three to sell. Simple stuff, folks. That is, if you could actually buy and sell teams and players. Oh, whatever. Never mind.

Toronto's loss should be another teams' gain. AP Photo/David Duprey

Buy: Philadelphia Flyers. The boys from the City of Brotherly Love are off to a 4-1 start this year, and have outscored their opponents 21-10. Daniel Briere has shown that he is the real deal and can score without the being part of a full throttle offense (maybe it was learning the value of teamwork?). I'm not completely sold just yet. Any division that has the Rangers and Penguins on the bottom is sure to turn around at some point this year. Luckily for the Flyers, the Islanders and Devils should be the victims of said turnaround.

Conservative Buy: The St. Louis Blues. After a 3-1 win over Chicago last night, the Blues moved to 4-1 on the young season. OK, so the Blues did beat the Blackhawks. That's not necessarily saying a whole lot. The Blues still shut down the Colorado Avalanche last Friday, allowing only one goal. We're going to see what this team is made of in the coming days, though as Minnesota and Anaheim come to town.

Buy: Toronto running Bryan McCabe out of town. Look, if they don't want a defender who has averaged 59 points and a +15 rating over the last three seasons, then so be it. I'm probably not alone when I say I'll take him on Long Island. Heck, there's probably a bunch of teams that would find a good use for this guy. OK, so McCabe can be a bit of a defensive liability. I can live with that. We had Tom Freaking Poti all of last year for God's sake. All I'm saying is that one dumb mistake is no reason to run a guy out of town. Then again, the folks in Toronto may be right. The Leafs will obviously be a much better team without the guy who outscored every forward on the team last year save for Mats Sundin.

And for those of you scoring at home, you have to go all the way back to Denis Potvin to find the last Islander defender to have 59 points in a season.

---

Sell! Oh God, sell!! Don Waddell behind the bench in Atlanta. For the second week in a row, I am doing a 180 on my pre-season prediction and am scared of what the Thrashers are becoming. Call me pessimistic, but I can't imagine this team rallying around Mr. Waddell. Sometimes teams will take to any new coach behind the bench because they were so sick and tired of the previous one, but I'm not buying it. This team folded down the stretch last year and Waddell had the lack of foresight to keep Hartley around to usher in a worse than dismal start. How much is he seriously going to be able to do?

Cautious Sell: Pascal Leclaire. If you were like me, and picked up in your fantasy league because he didn't give up a goal for the first 2+ games he played this season, you were probably sorely disappointed this week. Leclaire gave up five goals last Saturday to the Colorado Avalance (ok, so they do have Paul Stastny) and was benched at home in favor of Fredrik Norrena for Wednesday's game against Dallas. Chances are Leclaire won't be giving up five goals every night, but all signs are pointing to two straight shutouts being a fluke rather than the norm.

Sell: Edmonton Oilers Power Play. Through the first six games of the season the Oilers have scored only one power play goal in 25 chances. For comparative purposes, the Canadiens, Flyers, Lightning, Blues and Bruins all have four or more PPG in fewer than 25 chances. This isn't boding too well for the Oilers, who brought in Sheldon Souray (48 PPP last season) to help out with the man advantage.

Jonesy, Put Your Head Down and Write

I've been meaning to touch on this for quite some time, but I've never had the chance. Recently I got a copy of Jonesy, Put Your Head Down and Skate, written by former Philadelphia Flyer Keith Jones and ESPN's John Buccigross. If you've read any of John's columns recently, you may have seen it mentioned.

In the book, Jones tells the story of his career, as well as many other yarns that he picked up along the way. That's about all I'll say for now, as I meant to write a mini-review of it, but really haven't had any time to do anything of late (if you haven't noticed by how infrequently the site has been updated). If you want to check out some more information about the book, head on over to it's official website.

Last note, but probably the most important, is that Keith Jones is donating his proceeds from the book to Alex's Lemonade Stand. Alex's is a charitable organization that is trying to find a cure for childhood cancer. If you are on the fence about buying this book, my advice would be to buy it just for that reason. You're giving to charity, and you're getting something in return. Really can't beat that.

Nascar and Hockey Go Together Like Tequila and BBQ Sauce

AP Photo/Ryan Remiorz

Two great tastes, why didn't anyone put them together sooner?

If you remember, MartyBrodeur was spotted at a NASCAR race back in August. It was a culmination of one of the oddest looking marketing ploys the NHL has ever seen. This time, the drivers struck back as NASCAR driver Patrick Carpentier (who?) showed up at a game in Montreal. The Habs even trotted out Guy Lafleur Himself to give the guy a jersey. Turns out George Gillette, Habs owner, is sponsoring Carpentier's car in the Nextel Cup.

Are these the first signs of a world in which hockey and NASCAR live happily side by side? No. Oh, God. Please, anything but that!

Thanks to loserdomi for the tip.

Gary Bettman's Hit List

Postershop.ch

Gary Bettman is a wily fellow. It goes almost without saying that Mike Milbury and the Everlasting Gobstopper are about the only two things that would be able to hold onto the job of NHL commissioner longer while running the league into the ground. Of course, that is assuming that a Gobstopper could run the league as bad or worse than Bettman. I, for one, am not so sure that the Gobstopper would be a worse commissioner.

Due to the sort of "wily" personality that Mr. Bettman has, I feel as though he is the kind of person who keeps a nicely organized hit list in the side drawer of the mahogany desk in his library. The library is also where he keeps his leather bound books, of course.

At the moment we least suspect it, Mr. Bettman will follow through and take out some of the people on the hit list that he has been carefully editing and refining for years. You know, kind of like that kid everyone made fun of in fourth grade, who finally gets revenge decades later at the 25th high school reunion. The actual existence of said library, mahogany desk and hit list is completely impossible to determine. Despite those issues dealing with reality (isn't reality soooo overrated?), I will attempt to recreate what I believe the hit list would actually look like. If you were looking for the post each week that makes you question my sanity, please take note that this is that post.

1. Defense - This one is first, foremost and completely obvious. Ever since the lockout ended, Mr. Bettman has been on a Salem-like witch hunt trying to get rid of defense and increase goal scoring in the NHL. This is probably the only thing on this list that we can confirm he has made an attack on, since the attack has been so darned blatant. Defense is, as Stephen Colbert would say, on notice.
   
2. Canadians - Not the ones that play in Montreal, they're spelled with an 'e' after all, but the ones that live north of the American border. Canadians have long believed that they have always been the target of Mr. Bettman's ire, and this list now proves their suspicions. Not to mention the whole conspiracy to make sure the Nashville Predators stay on American soil thing. You know, the one where we all basically assume they will be playing in Kansas City this time next year.
   
3. Charisma - The commissioner's public appearances make him appear more like a robot than anything else. If his personality is lacking anything, it's clearly charisma. Charisma is a sneaky bastard that smartly keeps it's distance from Bettman. For that, charisma is on his hit list. Side note: Imagine for a second that he actually had charisma. That is a frightening image.
   
4. Minnesota Wild - As I wrote on Monday, the Wild are quickly making their way up this chart as their suffocating defense and net minders make it nearly impossible for opposing teams to score on them. They could be lumped in at #1 with 'defense' but since the Wild are such a threat to national security and the commissioner's health, they get their own bullet point.
   
5. ESPN - I think you can figure this one out on your own.
6. Nike - Yeah, the bastards made sucky skates. They still gave up and pulled out of the hockey market on their own terms. That kind of weak sauce does not fly with Mr. Bettman. Nike, prepare for the Wrath of Bettman!
   
7. History - Somehow, I imagine the commissioner has a serious fear of history. It's simply a hunch, but I'm willing to bet that it's on his list. If you can't learn from it, you might as well destroy it.
   
8. Global Warming - Even though he will never admit it, Mr. Bettman knows that he needs cold weather cities to keep the NHL alive. Global warming, you have been notified.

Of course, it wouldn't be right for me to be simply a Negative Nancy and harp on all the enemies and shortcomings that the commissioner has. A positive note that I cannot forget to mention is the ridiculous amount of street cred Mr. Bettman has for having Snoop D-O-Double-G as one of his homeboys. That's gotta be worth something. Mad props, yo.

As if you needed any proof that Bettman was awkward and lacked charisma...
John M. Heller/Getty Images

Impressive Linguistic Talents -- October 15th

It's time once again to recognize the very best in class participation from the previous week.

The Golden Ticket
loserdomi on The Daily Sniper: Never Mind, Chuck Norris IS a Hockey Team

"That Paul Stastny seems to be quite the talented young chap, isn't he? /understatement>

And Chuck Norris would make the Blackhawk logo cry that single tear just by looking at it. It would be a tear of fear."

The Medal for Being So Close, Yet So Far
black capricorn onThe Daily Sniper: The Sens are an Unstoppable Killing Machine

"What happens if you program said killing machine not to kill but to love?

Why then, you would have the Toronto Maple Leafs."

Bronze; Hey, it's better than nothing.
casualhockey on The Daily Sniper: The Sens are an Unstoppable Killing Machine

"Brian Elliot has a huge ass. Just FYI. When is Bettman going to introduce the "Goalie Ass-Size Rule"? It's obviously an advantage to have a giant ass like Brian Elliot. Seriously, it's enormous."

Honorable Mention
ryan (who always seems to sneak into posts) on Daniel Briere Finally Understands Teamwork

"I think that would be a good team name. Perhaps they could call them the Philadelphia Synergy, and the team colors could be shades of gray, and the mascot would be a 38 page document that nobody reads."

The Minnesota Wild Have Got to be Killing Gary Bettman Inside

Narcoleptic Josh Harding can stop your slap shot in his sleep. AP/Mark Avery

Ladies and gentleman, the Minnesota Wild and Crazy Guys/Fightin' Adjectives/Abstract Concepts, whatever you want to call them, are on a mission to make Gary Bettman's head explode. With a victory over the Anaheim Ducks tonight, the Wild have moved to 5-0, surrendering the un-Godly amount of four goals during that time. That lack of goal scoring alone is probably giving Bettman a hernia, so don't tell him that the Wild are averaging an even more ridiculous 2.2 goals per game during their current streak. The Wild are simply sick nasty, folks.

When is the last time a team started the season undefeated and averaged around two goals per game? I don't know, but I would assume it's been a while. One thing is for sure, the Wild are launching a full scale attack on NHL HQ. They don't like goals, and aren't phased by any of your fancy, shmansy rule changes.

Another surprise from Minnesota is whom the Wild started in net tonight. When I first saw that they had beaten Anaheim 2-0, I figured Niklas Backstrom had earned his third shutout of the season and my fantasy team was going to bust some more heads in. Not so fast. Backstrom had started all four games for the Wild so far and got some much needed rest tonight. Instead, Guy Probably No One Has Heard of Outside of Minnesota, also known as Josh Harding, got the start tonight.

With so much hubbub surrounding Backstrom, it's no surprise this is my first encounter with Minnesota's second round pick from all the way back in 2002 (wayyyy to long ago to remember). I'm a Harding virgin, or a Har-gin, if you will. Harding stopped all 37 shots the Ducks threw at him, and earned his third career shutout in only his eighth career start. It was also Minnesota's third shut out in five games this season. Yikes. If you're of the belief that scoring is going to win back fans, you've really got to hate the Wild right now. I'm looking at you, Gary.

So there you have it folks, the Wild, Niklas Backstrom and Josh Harding; singlehandedly trying to give the commissioner an ulcer.

The Daily Sniper: Your National Nightmare is Over

News and notes from last night's action...

AP Photo/Aaron Harris

Ladies and gentleman, all is well in the world. Sidney Crosby scored not one, but two goals tonight for the Pittsburgh Penguins. Our long, depressing nightmare is over. You can now continue to go about your daily lives, feeling safe once again. The Iraq War is over. Poverty has been solved, and cancer has been cured. All is right with the world now that Sid the Kid has broken the drought.

If only.

On to the scores.

Pittsburgh 6, Toronto 4 -- As you already know, the Pens got help from Sid tonight, as he scored the eventual game winner during a power play with just over five minutes to go in the third. In lesser, non-world changing news, Maxime Talbot also had two goals for Pittsburgh. This game really wasn't as close as it appeared, though. Pittsburgh pelted Vesa Toskala with 51 (yes, FIFTY. ONE.) shots, 46 of which he stopped. The Leafs were out shot 52-27 on the night.

Minnesota 3, Phoenix 2 -- The Machine That is the Minnesota Wild continued its roll through the Western Conference tonight. The Wild trailed 2-1 entering the third, but got goals from Mikko Koivu and Eric Belanger to take the victory from the jaws of defeat. Marian Gaborik added a goal and Pavol Demitra had two helpers for Minnesota. On the other side of things, Daniel Carcillo netted two as the Coyotes fell to 2-3 on the season.

Colorado 5, Columbus 1 -- Paul who? The Avs became the first team to score on Pascal Leclaire, and they didn't need any help from Paul Stastny to do it. Milan Hejduk and Joe Sakic (there's more to Colorado than Paul!) combined for all five Avalance goals to get the win.

Ottawa 3, NY Rangers 1 -- And now, back to your regularly scheduled Senators win streak. The Senators netted three goals in the second period, and that's all they would need to move to 6-1 on the young season. They found seven points from seven different players, as Martin Gerber stopped 36 shots to earn the win. Jaromir Jagr scored his first of the season for New York.

New Jersey 6, Atlanta 5 -- Contrary to popular belief, the Thrashers proved that they do indeed have an offense. Surprisingly, five goals were not enough to beat the Devils. Martin Brodeur faced only 17 shots, but surrendered 5 goals. Ilya Kovalchuk and Patrick Elias each had two goals.

Chicago 2, Dallas 1 OT -- The only overtime game of the night came in the Windy City, where Robert Lang tied up the game with 3.1 seconds left in the third ice hockey session. Lang would later assist on Jason Williams' overtime winner. If you want another ridiculous shots on goal margin, you got it; Chicago out shot Dallas 40-18, including a 20-4 margin in the third period alone.

Calgary 7, Nashville 4 -- Six different players scored for the Flames, as Kristian Huselius was the only player to have a multi-goal game for either side. He now has four goals in five games. It sure seems like Mike Keenan isn't affecting him. At least, not yet.

Philadelphia 3, NY Islanders 1 -- Martin Biron stopped 29 of 30 shots to lead the Flyers to a victory in their home opener.

Buffalo 7, Washington 3 -- Jaroslav Spacek and Derek Roy each had two goals to help lead the Sabres over the Capitals. Brian Campbell had four helpers for the Sabres.

Florida 6, Tampa Bay 4 -- Tomas Vokoun had another steallar game, stopping 40 shots for the Panthers.

Carolina 3, Montreal 1 -- Cam Ward is now 4-0 for the Hurricanes, who are 4-1-1 as a team.

Vancouver 4, Edmonton 1 -- Daniel Sedin had two goals and his brother Henrik had three assists for the Canucks.

Boston 2, San Jose 1 -- This game is quite possibly the most unlikely victory of the night. Milan Michalek tied the game for San Jose with :38 to go in the third, but Aaron Ward netted the winner for Boston with only :12 left.

The Daily Sniper: Never Mind, Chuck Norris IS a Hockey Team

News and notes from last night's action...

Robert Lang celebrates pwning the Wings on Friday night. AP Photo/Jerry S. Mendoza

From commenter Ryan, the answer to the question that was posted in yesterday's DS.

"If Chuck Norris played hockey, he wouldn't be on a team, because Chuck Norris can play all 6 positions at the same time."

Thanks for the help, Ryan. We can now rest a little easier tonight knowing that!

Chicago 3, Detroit 2 -- It's true. The Hawks compeltely own the Red Wings. Chicago is only 2-2 in this young season, with both of their wins coming against the team for the Motor City. Former Wing Robert Lang and Brent Seabrook each had a goal and an assist to help Chicago overcome a 2-0 first intermission deficit.

St. Louis 4, Colorado 1 -- Even when the Avs lose, Paul Stastny is not to blame. Stastny picked up the Avs lone goal Friday night, as the Blues scored three times in the third (two goals from Dan Hinote) to move to 3-1 on the year. Brad Boyes added his fourth goal of the year for St. Louis.

NY Rangers 3, Washington 1 -- The Rangers handed the Caps their first loss of their first loss of the season thanks to three first period power play goals. Jaromir Jagr had three assists and Scott Gomez scored his first of the year.

Calgary 4, Dallas 3 OT -- Matthew Lombardi is all that is man! Lombardi scored the game tying and winning goals for the Flames last night. Niklas Hagman scored his fifth of the year for Dallas.

Boston 8, Los Angles 6 -- Phil Kessel had a four point night, including his first career hat trick, and Marc Savard had five points en route to the B's second win of the year. Alex Frolov, Anze Kopitar and Ladislav Nagy all had two points for Los Angeles.

Vancouver 5, Edmonton 2 -- So does this mean that the Flyers would beat the Oilers by nine goals? Sam Gagner picked up another two assists for Edmonton, while Brendan Morrison and Kevin Bieksa had two points a piece for Vancouver.

Two Words; Bring It.

Art.com

The following comes from Ryan over at the Victoria Times (a pretty sweet blog by the way):

"in one league I've been too focused on preparing for my matchup against Kevin from Melrose Rocks. I'm coming for you and Jeremy Roenick can't save you now."

See, that's where you've miscalculated my friend. I don't need Mr. Roenick on my team to win because it isn't the player with the most 'bitches' who wins. It's points and stuff. For that, I've got motha truckin Paul Stastny. Paul. Stastny.

How's that taste?

And Nicklas Backstrom. And Dany Heatley.

Bring.

It.

...and good luck. =)

Buys and Sells for October 12th

Every week, or as often as I remember, I'll provide you with my poorly thought out ideas on whose stock is on the rise, and whose you should avoid like Enron. Three teams/players/things to buy, and three to sell. Simple stuff, folks. That is, if you could actually buy and sell teams and players. Oh, whatever. Never mind.

Part of Minnesota's defensive strategy is trying to blind their opponents. From all accounts, it seems to be working. REUTERS/Eric Miller

Solid Buy: Anyone that has anything to do with the Ottawa Senators. While the Sens lost last night, they're still 5-1 and they lost to a good Carolina team (see below). Don't fret Ottawa fans/fantasy owners, Martin Gerber's GAA is still 2.18, which is pretty sweet for someone you likely picked up off waivers and the trio of Spezza-Heatley-Alfredsson are still leading the league in points.

Solid Buy: The Minnesota Wild. I mean, jeez. They have allowed two goals in three games. If you have any doubts as to: a) how good Nicklas Backstrom and the Wild defenders are or b) that the trap can exist in the 'new' NHL, consider them erased. These guys are for real. If they did this against the scrubs of the West, imagine what they could do to (dare I say it?) Paul Stastny.

Value Buy: The Carolina Hurricanes and more specifically Eric Staal. I don't know what has gotten into these guys. Coming off a week where they went 1-1-1, losing to Montreal and getting shutout by Washington, they came into Toronto like bats out of hell. They are 2-0 so far this week, winning by a combined 12-4 margin. If you didn't think their nationally televised drubbing of the Leafs was impressive, surely you liked their solid 5-3 win over the previously undefeated Ottawa Seantors. Eric Staal leads the team with eight points in five games, and it's a good bet that there's going to be more where that came from.

-------

Sell! Oh God, sell!! The Atlanta Thrashers. This is a team that looks like they couldn't give two shits about what's happening on the ice. If, for example, the Islanders, Bruins or Coyotes started out the season this bad no one would have noticed. Since it's a team that, you know, obviously has a good deal of talent on it. The Thrashers are 0-4, have been outscored 17-4 during that time and frankly look like they don't care. At all. The surest sign of that came last night when Ilya Kovalchuk, of all people, stood up for a teammate who had just gotten decked. It's a great show of heart by the team's best player, but he gets paid to score. There are other guys you pay to protect the team and players such as Kovalchuk.

Scott Niedermayer and Teemu Selanne. What douchebags. Yeah, you won the Stanley Cup and are now Pretty Big Deals. That's irrelevant at this point. All this is right now is a poor display of selfishness. Either you play, or you don't. This is a team sport and you don't put yourself ahead of the team no matter who you are. It's October and you're still not sure if you want to retire?? Give me a break. The least you can do is take the year off, and if you miss hockey enough after that, comeback next year. At least the Ducks are smart enough to move on without you guys. Imagine if they weren't.

NHL TV. It's been a week and customer service is still as unresponsive and incompetent as the Thrashers' offense. Any time you guys want to let me watch games and not make it seem like you're stealing money would be great, OK?

The Daily Sniper: If Chuck Norris Played Hockey, What Team Would He Play For?

News and notes from last night's action...

"You know, you look really cute after a win." Phillip MacCallum/Getty Images

Something for you to ponder. I'm going with the Sens, because at least in my heart, they are still unstoppable killing machines. Like Chuck.

Carolina 5, Ottawa 3 -- It turns out after all that the Senators are indeed human. Who would have guessed? The Hurricanes held a 3-1 lead after two and never looked back. Eric Cole had two goals and Chad LaRose had three helpers for Carolina. Martin Gerber finally looked human, allowing four goals.

Phoenix 6, Nashville 3 -- Winning is apparently in the vocabulary of the Phoenix Coyotes, believe it or not. They rode two goals from Fredrik Sjostrom (who?), and won depite being out shot 39-24. Chris Mason had another poor performance for Nashville, allowing five goals. Radek Bonk scored two the Preds.

Buffalo 6, Atlanta 0 -- The Sabres got their first win of the year by throttling a team that looks like it's given up already. The Thrashers were 0-for-8 with the man advantage, and conceded four power play goals, three in the first period alone. Tim Connolly and Brian Campbell each had a goal and two assists for Buffalo. Ryan Miller needed only 20 saves to record the shutout. The Thrashers have now been outscored 17-4 on the season.

Florida 3, New Jersey 0 -- Speaking of Eastern Conference teams that look like they don't give a shit, here are the New Jersey Devils. Olli Jokinen, Nathan Horton and Rostislav Olesz scored for the Panthers, who earned their first win of the year.

And the Islanders lost to Toronto. But I'm not in a good enough mood to talk about that.

The Daily Sniper: The Sens are an Unstoppable Killing Machine

News and notes from last night's action...

AP Photo/Gregory Smith

Ottawa 3, Atlanta 1 -- OK, so maybe the Sens aren't killing machines. And maybe they were playing the now 0-3 Thrashers last night. That doesn't take anything away from the fact that they are now 5-0 and have outscored their opponents 16-8. 2003 9th round pick Brian Elliot started in goal for the Sens and stopped 28 of the 29 shots he faced. Elliot got the start thanks to Ray Emery's injured wrist and Martin Gerber getting rest due to games on back to back nights.

Montreal 3, Pittsburgh 2 -- Carey Price's long awaited debut was a successful one, as the teenager stopped 26 shots en route to his first NHL win. Want to know something freaky? Last night was 22 years to the day that Patrick Roy made his NHL debut for the Habs. Against the Penguins. In Pittsburgh.

San Jose 2, Chicago 1 -- The other notable debut last night was Jon Toews' start for the Blackhawks. The Hawks took Toews 3rd overall in 2006, and the kid notched his first NHL goal in the first period. Milan Michalek would spoil things for Chicago, as the Sharks' young star netted a pair of goals. Sadly, Jeremy Roenick was held scoreless. Women everywhere are disappointed.

Philadelphia 8, Vancouver 2 -- The Canucks are now the 2nd Canadian team to get blown out by a six goal margin at home in the last two days. Nice of Vancouver to show up, eh? Roebrto Luongo certainly didn't get the memo, as he stopped only nine shots and was yanked during the first period. For the Flyers, Mike Richards had four points and was +4, Daniel Briere had three points and Joffrey Lupul had two. Despite the loss, the Sedin twins each picked up two helpers.

Anaheim 2, Boston 1 -- It's been a long time coming; the Ducks have finally had their home opener. After an unfathomable amount of frequent flyer miles, they finally raised their Stanley Cup banner last night in Anaheim. Ryan Getzlaf had two points for the Ducks, and Francois Beauchemin scored the game winner in the third.

Minnesota 2, Edmonton 0 -- Niklas Backstrom is a BEAST, getting his second shutout of the year by stopped all 21 Oiler shots. Pavol Demitra and Marian Gaborik each had two points for Minnesota.

NY Islanders 2, NY Rangers 1 -- In case you didn't understand the prior post, the Islanders beat the Rangers last night on Versus. Bryan Berard scored the game winning powerplay goal in his return to Long Island at 13:56 of the second. Rick DiPietro stopped 36 shots including all 12 in the third to help preserve the win. Fedor Tyutin had the lone Ranger goal and Marc-Andre Bergeron had two points for the Islanders.

Detroit 4, Calgary 2 -- Kristian Huselius scored twice for the Calgary Keenans, but it was not enough as four different Red Wings scored to give Detroit their third victory of the year.

Columbus 3, Phoenix 0 -- Pascal Leclaire had another stellar game in net for the BJs, earning his second shutout of the young season. Jason Chimera had three points in the winning effort.

Tampa Bay 2, Florida 1 -- The Bolts won the first Battle of Florida this season, thanks to two Chris Gratton goals. Gratton scored on both the powerplay and while shorthanded.

St. Louis 4, Nashville 1 -- Chris Mason allowed all four goals and was yanked midway through the second period in favor Dan Ellis (who?). The Blues won with two goals from Brad Boyes and two assists from Paul Kariya.

Dallas 5, Los Angeles 1 -- Niklas Hagman had two goals for Dallas, and the Kings' net minder Jason LaBarbera stopped only 22 of 27 shots.

Mmmmm Tastes Good!

AP Photo/Ed Betz

Daniel Briere Finally Understands Teamwork

"Hey, we might really be on to something with this teamwork thing!" AP Photo/Jeff McIntosh

Because, obviously, there was none of that going on during his time in Buffalo. Thank goodness he signed with the Flyers this summer, otherwise he may have never learned the value of teamwork. After all, hockey is clearly a game dominated by individual players and not teams.

"Some of the exercises we did just showed you how much quicker and better it was when you worked as a team compared to by yourself or in groups of two or three," said Briere who partook in team building exercises during a recent Flyers team retreat. "It was pretty cool to realize that."

Did you get that?

He said it was 'pretty cool' to find out how much better working as a team is. Is he serious? He really has never understood the value of teamwork before? Daniel, you play a team sport for a living. What exactly was it that you were doing in Buffalo last year when you had 63 assists?

Oh, right. You were probably just shooting the puck at your teammates, hoping it would deflect off them and past the goalie.

Look, I know athletes say canned, feel good, bland PR crud all the time, but jeez; don't suck up to the team too much. Next time, say something like "that sure was a great team retreat, and arts and crafts time really helped to build team unity and make friends!" That sounds a lot better than "I finally realized that teamwork actually is important!"

Anyway, as it turns out, the Flyers are no different than anyone who works in corporate America today. Just like you, these million-dollar-making athletes have to put up with "team building" and "corporate synergy" baloney too.

This Week In: "Oh $%#$, We Messed Up"

I heart you, Jason. Really. I do. REUTERS/Mark Blinch

Sad news out of Toronto today as Jason Blake has been diagnosed with leukemia. I've been known to pick on Jason from time to time, and it's really all bitterness cause he didn't sign with the Islanders (Scotty, you were so right). Obviously at the end of the day it's all kidding around, and if you haven't realized that this site is one big joke, then I guess you haven't really been reading hard enough.

The point is; it's all a very serious situation, and I sincerely hope Blake is able to make a full recovery. The prognosis sounds good. Let's hope everything stays good. Get well Jason!

Hey leukemia (and me sort of), you messed up.

Bill Wurtz, owner of the Hawks died last week, and all in all there's been quite a bit of dancing on graves around the Chicago area -- or at least a lack of people caring. During a moment of silence for Wurtz and the national anthem at a Hawks game recently, the fans booed/cheered during a moment of silence. Well, jeez, that's one way to dance on a grave. Whatever was going on, they were surely not upset about Wirtz's death. I know the guy sort of crippled the hell out the franchise for the last couple decades, but believe it or not he was a human being with a family. Hey, I'm just saying.

Hawks fans, you are screwed up.

Today, Nike announced that they were pulling out of the hockey game. Among the reasons cited; a decline in the amount of recreational hockey players (but still more than there were 10 years ago), their skates being so crappy Sergei Fedorov cut his sponsorship deal, and finally, being dumb as hell by selling skates for $900. I don't really think I need to explain this further.

Hey Nike... Bauer... Nike/Bauer... whatever the hell you are, you messed your sales strategy the heck up.

Finally, there are a lot of different opinions about how well the debut of the Islanders Blog Box went, but if you're with Eric McErlain on this one... The inaugural blog boxers screwed up how people view hockey bloggers big time.

Personally, I don't see it as much more than a harmless fan identification endeavor laced with marketing and PR. Some exposure/acceptance for the blog world is better than none, no? Give 'em a break, too. This is the first incarnation of its type the world has ever seen. There's bound to be things that need improvement. That being said, wearing Islander jerseys? Look, I know you blog box guys and gals are fans, but come on. At least give people the impression that you're taking this seriously. At least they have all that Eklund/HockeyBuzz credibility to fall back on... What's that? They don't? Oh jeez.

The Daily Sniper: Projections You Can Count On

News and notes from last night's action...

"I'm oooooooold!!!" Gregory Shamus/Getty Images

Sometimes players and teams can start off the season on a serious hot streak. Other times, they start with some serious cold streaks. Here's a look at the potential results if a few of the current streaks continue...

• The Senators, Captials, Predators and Wild would all finish 82-0.
• Paul Stastny would break the Great One's record by recording 218 points in a single season. 109 goals, 109 helpers. He would finish the season with a +109 rating and 27 game winning goals.
• Mike Comrie would shatter Stastny's record by recording 246 points. He would also obliterate the scoring record by netting 164 goals.
• Sid the Kid would total all of zero goals and 41 assists to go along with a sweet -82 rating.
  
• Doug Murray would finish the year with 601 penalty minutes, likely putting him out of a job.
• Tomas Vokoun would give up 369 goals. He would definitely not have a job.
  
• Joe Thornton and Daniel Alfredsson would each have 410 shots on goal.
• If Chris Mason and Olaf Kolzig played all 82 games, they would concede only 41 goals and have 41 shutouts.
• The Canucks and Blue Jackets would have 164 power play goals.
• The Rangers, Penguins, Thrashers, Coyotes and Wild would finish the year with 41 shorthanded goals a piece. Back when I coached hockey in EA Sports' NHL 04, my teams would consistently have over 40 shorthanded goals a year. It's certainly possible.
  

And without any further ado, a half-assed recap of the days action.

What do you want from me? The Islanders lost a game they probably should have won. I'm angry. Jerks.

Ottawa 4, New Jersey 2 -- Apparently today was Thanksgiving Day in Canada. That's a good joke. Do you have Christmas in July too? Wait... That's actually freaking awesome. I'll move to Canada and come back to the States for November and December. Two Christmases and two Thanksgivings! Yes! Oh... Right... There was a hockey game. Ho, hum. The Sens continued to roll. Alfredsson and Jason Spezza each had three points.

Detroit 4, Edmonton 2 -- Move along, nothing to see here. The Ageless Wonder had a goal, while Nicky Lidstrom and Henrik Zetterberg each picked up two assists. More ho hum hockey action.

Washington 2, NY Islanders 1 -- The Islanders out shot the Caps 31-12, but the Caps would not be denied. They move to 3-0 with the win, with Brooks (who?) Laich scoring the game winner in the third. Dale Hunter is still an asshole.

Impressive Linguistic Talents

Listen up class, it's time to recognize the very best in reader participation from the past week.

Gold Star

Ryan on The Daily Sniper: Saturday Night Madness

"Nice... Wild beat the BJs. Heretofore, I believed that NOTHING beat a BJ."

Sloppy Seconds

loserdomi on Short Term Memory, It's a Funny thing, Huh?

"@justin: he also told me he will soon be sporting a jaunty cap and that he shall kick up his heels in anticipation of gentelmen's fisticuffs upon a frozen plane."

Bronze Mullet

k.w. on A Handy Guide for Beginners: Attending a Hockey Game

"Puck Bunnies have no interest in me??? I beg to differ. Also, why wouldn't I sexually harrass them just a little bit? They're fucking Puck Bunnies after all! Am I wrong here?"

Honorable Mention

blackcapricorn on 2007-08 Preseason Foreplay: Nashville Predators

"The dancers look easier."

All Hail King Stastny

(C) Colorado Avalanche

It's probably best to embrace our new Overlord of the Iced Surface, Paul Stastny, who had five points tonight against San Jose. That brings his season total to eight points, setting him up for what could be an unprecedented 218 point season. In the coming days, his conquest will likely be swift and unmerciful. At least in the Western Conference, thanks to unbalanced scheduling.

Vancouver Ain't Got Nothin' On Me!!

(C) San Jose Sharks

Hey freaks, it's your old buddy JR. Aren't you glad I came back for another go around this season? Ha. I KNOW you are! Cause you get to see me do fuckin' rockin' shit like beat the Canucks by myself (not as good as that puckbunny I rocked after the game but you know how it is).

In case your lame asses missed it, I carried the Sharks to victory on Friday night. Two goals fuckers. Suck it. I was gonna go for the hat trick, but I knew we wouldn't need the extra goal, so I took the rest of the night off. Ronny Wilson coulda kept the team home and put me in there all by myself against the Nucks. They still wouldn't stop me.

Two goals in 12 minutes of ice time... Who does that?

Hahahah that's right. I DO!! Cause I'm the real deal. I don't even need to play alongside Cheech, Thornton or any one else with any talent. Doug freakin Murray giving me the puck all night. That's all I need.

Before I forget -- I scored those goals on Roberto fuckin' Luongo. Best goalie in the NHL by far. And who had his number? JR. That's who. What more do you want???

Look at that picture over there. I'm so damned handsome too. Man it's so good being JR.

Later. I'm out.

Bitches.

The Daily Sniper: Saturday Night Madness

News and notes from last night's action...

Fans can rest easy tonight, knowing that Sid the Kid does indeed know how to score points. AP Photo/Keith Srakocic

Toronto 4, Montreal 3 OT -- The Leafs got their first win of the year and, as TSN points out, they "do indeed have a pulse." Tomas Kaberle netted the overtime winner and Mats Sundin had three helpers. There's still no word as to if any naked locker room shots of the Leafs have been leaked.

Pittsburgh 5, Anaheim 4 -- The Ducks looked like they had shook off the jet lag for a bit, but nonetheless found themselves in a two goal hole late in the third before Corey Perry scored in garbage time. The Ducks have now lost three straight on North American soil, with only one point to show for it. Maybe they should play all their games in England? Chris Kunitz, Francois Beauchemin and Ryan Getzlaf all had multi-point nights for Anaheim. Sid the Kid netted his first point of the season, an assist, and Petr Sykora had three points for the Penguins.

Ottawa 2, Rangers 0 -- The Senators continue to roll, and are now 3-0 with a win at home against the Rangers. Daniel Alfreddson had two points and Martin Gerber continued his stellar play by stopping all 35 shots he faced. In a related story, Mark Messier is still a douche.

Nashville 5, Dallas 1 -- Don't look now but the Preds are 2-0, have outscored their opponents 9-1, and have an average attendance of 14,271 according to NHL.com. At least something is going right in the Music City. Brett Hull will neither confirm nor deny reports as to whether or not the Stars actually showed up tonight.

Islanders 3, Buffalo 2 -- The Islanders held on by the skin of their teeth in the third, getting out shot 17-6, nonetheless holding on for the victory. Their top line of Comrie-Fedotenko-Guerin combined for two goals and six points. Buffalo's two goals were both scored on the powerplay. The Sabres fall to 0-2 with the loss.

Edmonton 5, Philadelphia 3 -- The Oilers are undefeated in two games, thanks to third period goals from Geoff Sanderson and Joni Pitkanen, spoiling Joffrey Lupul's return to Edmonton. I'm sure Oiler fans missed him tons. Daniel Briere picked up another two points in the loss, as did Simon Gagne.

Vancouver 4, Calgary 3 OT -- Daniel Sedin netted a power play goal to give the Canucks an overtime victory over their Western Canadian rivals. All four Canuck goals were scored on the power play, including three in the second period, as the 'Nucks went 4-for-7 with the man advantage. Daymond Langkow scored twice for the Flamers Flames.

St. Louis 5, Los Angeles 3 -- The Blues scored four third period goals to top the Kings in their return to North American hockey action. Jamal Mayers, Lee Stempniak and Paul Kariya all had two points for the Blue Notes. Dustin Brown and Anze Kopitar each had three point for Los Angeles.

Chicago 4, Detroit 3 OT -- The Blackhawks aren't about to give up on winning the central just yet. Nine different Hawks tallied in this one, with Patrick Kane scoring the decisive goal in the shoot out in addition to getting his first NHL point. Henrik Zetterberg assisted on each of Detroit's goals.

Tampa Bay 5, Atlanta 2 -- My pick to win the southeast division is slow out of the gate, as the Thrashers have started the season losing two games to division rivals. Atlanta was out shot 34-15, as both Brad Richards and Vaclav Prospal had a pair of goals for Tampa.

Minnesota 3, Columbus 2 -- Third period goals from Eric Belanger and Brent Burns carried the Wild to their second home win of the year. Brian Rolston also had three assists for Minnesota. Nikolai Zherdev had two points for the BJs.

New Jersey 4, Florida 1 -- Tomas Vokoun looked weak yet again in stopping only 20 shots, and committed a costly turnover behind his own net, which led to a Devils goal. John Madden had two goals for New Jersey, as the Devils notched their first win of the year.

Washington 2, Carolina 0 -- Alex Ovechkin scored his first of the year, and that would be all the Caps needed to win their home opener. Olaf Kolzig stopped 23 shots to earn the shutout.

Boston 3, Phoenix 1 -- Boston won a game which could be considered a preview of the battle for the #1 pick in June's draft.

When Does the Hurting Stop?!

If I have to hear "the url that you are attempting to use to access this media is invalid" one more time, I'm going to have a fucking aneurysm.

MLSE Likes Its Players Clothed, Thank You Very Much

Hidden cameras in the TML dressing room? I wouldn't put it past the Toronto media. VideoImageProd.co.uk

The world has been made safe yet again, as we now know that Mats Sundin will not show up naked on the Internet anytime soon... or Jason Blake, Bryan McCabe and the rest of the Toronto Maple Leafs, for that matter.

Last week, Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment (MLSE) banned mini digital recording devices from the Leafs' locker room both on the home and on the road. Today, we learn that the reasoning behind the rule wasn't so much to stifle reporters or anything reasonable like that.

"It comes down to the fact that I don't want to see naked images of my players on YouTube," said John Lashway, the senior vice-president of communications with the Leafs' parent, Maple Leaf Sports and Entertainment.

No, MLSE wants to hinder the underground hockey player porn market and make sure that naked videos and pictures of their players don't make their way onto the series of tubes that we call the Internets. This will almost certainly bring an end to the booming market for nude Maple Leaf vids and clips. We will all surely lose a lot of sleep tonight, as it will be harder to visualize the team in our dreams. Um... Moving on...

One group of people unaffected by this move are gay hockey fans. As it turns out, they are not the least bit upset about the rule. Apparently, Jason "Fetus" Blake and Mats Sundin aren't that hot. That's surprising considering the fact that Sundin is Swedish. Then again, he is thirty freaking six and probably past his prime.

And so ends your weekly report on the hockey player porn market. Hopefully, this is the only week that I will have to report on it. Man, was that awkward.

The Daily Sniper: Playing a Close Game is SOOOO Opening Night

News and notes from last night's action...

Wait... WAIT... HOLD ON A SECOND!!! See that blonde? Fourth row above the Zamboni entrance. Ronald Martinez/Getty Images

On Friday night, three games were decided by three or more goals and the remaining three games were all decided by two goals. So much for opening night, when every game was decided by one goal and all but one went into overtime.

San Jose 3, Vancouver 1 -- Jeremy Roenick totaled only 12 minutes of ice time, but scored two first period goals to singlehandedly defeat the hometown Canucks. Yes, you heard me right. Roenick scored twice. How many times he scored off the ice is unknown at this point in time. Joe Thornton had his second goal in as many nights, and the Canucks were held in check in their home opener. Home openers spoiled so far: 1.

Islanders 6, Sabres 4 -- You read that score right; the Islanders really did manage to score six goals. The teams combined for six goals in the first, before quieting down. The Isles top line of Guerin-Comrie-Fedotenko combined for 10 points and three goals. Thomas Vanek had a goal, and both Rick DiPietro and Martin Biron Ryan Miller looked compeltely human. Home openers spoiled so far: 2.

Columbus 4, Anaheim 0 -- Ok, yeah, jet lag. We get it, now play some damn hockey! Anaheim continued to stink it up on North American soil, by getting trounced in the BJ's home opener. Hehe... BJs. Bad news for the Ducks is that they had to fly to Pittsburgh for tonight's game then back to Anaheim for a two-week home stand. Rick Nash had a hand in every Blue Jacket goal, totaling four points, and Sergei Fedorov had two points.

Washington 3, Atlanta 1 -- The Capitals put up three goals in Atlanta to great impress Czar Bettman, who was in attendance. Michael Nylander and Victor Kozlov had goals for the Caps, and Nicklas Backstrom notched his first NHL point by assisting on Nylander's first period goal. Home openers spoiled so far: 2.

Carolina 4, Pittsburgh 1 -- The Man cannot keep Eric Staal down! Staal scored two in the first for the Hurricanes who held a 4-0 lead going into the final period. Mark Recchi scored the long Pittsburgh goal. It also appeared as if Cam Ward knew what he was doing in net.

Minnesota Dallas 4, Boston 1 -- Did you really expect any other result?

All Hockey Needs is More Soccer

Relegation is a new idea to America, but it's the standard in many sports leagues around the world. AP Photo/Martin Rickett

This is really something that I've thought about for a while, but has never been verbalized so eloquently.

Now, a lot of what Nate DiMeo had to say in Slate this morning may make some of you cringe, but approach it with an open mind. What DiMeo says is that the NHL needs to adopt a relegation system similar to what is used in international soccer. How it works over in England, for example, is that the three lowest teams in the 'A' league get demoted to a 'B' league and the three best teams in the 'B' league switch places with those three relegated teams. Picture the Coyotes, Kings and Flyers switching places with the top three AHL teams because those six teams finished either at the bottom of 'A' or the top of 'B'. The Coyotes, Kings and Flyers could make it back to the NHL, but they would have to finish in the AHL's top three next season to do so.

"You're not just rooting for your own favorite club and watching what happens at the top of the league. You're also watching teams duke it out at the bottom as they fight for survival. Plus, it means that there aren't perennial basement dwellers. Team owners have to keep investing in their team if they want to stay in the spotlight (and stay where the money is). If baseball had this system, the nation would have been rid of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays a long time ago."

Consider it like a playoff race for the worst teams in the league, except they're not trying to make the playoffs; they're trying to not be one of the three worst teams. Certainly, if your team faced the prospect of being demoted, you would still be interested late in the season even if they're at the bottom of the league. Under today's system, you'll probably just give up on the team in December. Essentially; every team will have something to play for.

Obviously, the NHL owners would never go for this, and I'm not sure how wise Nate's idea of having a 20 team NHL is, but it would certainly increase fan interest astronomically (ignoring for a second all of the shock waves it would send across the sports media landscape... instant front page news). Why risk losing your status as an NHL club? Why risk letting the little guys have a shot at the big time? They don't deserve it! And I don't blame the owners for that response. You know that's how they would react, and I know that's how I would feel in their shoes.

If, by some miracle, they did institute such radical change, it could mean more tickets sold across the board. It would take some getting used to, but it's a sure fire way to keep fans interested even when their team is horrific.

h/t First Person Irregular

The Daily Sniper: All Your Battles are Belong to Ottawa

News and notes from last night's action...

Mats Sundin does not care about your silly goals. REUTERS/Chris Wattie

Ottawa 3, Toronto 2 -- It was a sour night for Leafs fans, as their team lost both games in the season opening battle of Ontario, giving the team an 0-2 start. On the bright side, Mats Sundin scored his 389th goal in a Toronto uniform, tying him for first in franchise history with Darryl Sittler. Daniel Alfreddson and Dany Heatley both scored for the Sens, giving each player three on the season. Martin Gerber basically stood on his head in this one, as the Sens were out shot by Toronto 43-29. The Leafs also pulled the double ultra golden sombrero by going 0-for-8 on the power play.

Edmonton 3, San Jose 2 SO -- As Barry Melrose himself put it so eloquently on Sportscenter tonight, the Sharks 'sleepwalked' through this one, lucky to come out of it with a point. Even at this early juncture, the Oilers have plenty of fight in them. What San Jose has to realize is that it will take the lesser teams a little while to hit the proverbial wall and start handing them games. The Oilers held a 2-1 third period lead until Joe Thornton beat Dwayne Roloson with :11 left thanks to a nasty wrister. Thornton also had an assist and Jarret Stoll potted the shoot out winner for Edmonton.

NY Rangers 5, Florida 2 -- It took just over two periods of play, but the Rangers finally woke up in time for their home opener. They trailed 2-1 heading into the final period, but four goals in the third were more than enough for the Blueshirts. New York's Marek Malik and Chris Drury were your fantasy standouts, each tallying three points. Tomas Vokoun made only 20 saves on 25 shots in his Panthers debut.

Minnesota 1, Chicago 0 -- Obviously, Jacques Lemaire is choking the fun out of hockey games early this season. The two teams totaled for only 51 shots, and Wild net minder Niklas Backstrom earned a shutout in his first appearance of the season. The bad injury news for Hawks fans just keeps on coming; Martin Havlat went down with a shoulder injury during the third period. He will have an MRI Friday to determine the severity of the injury. Derek Boogaard and David Koci also had some pretty sweet fights in this one.

Nashville 4, Colorado 0 -- After a great showing during their home opener last night, the Avs hit a severe case of jet lag en route to Nashville. They managed to out shoot the Predators, but it wouldn't matter as the home team rode goals from JP Dumont, Jason Arnott (2) and Dan Hamhuis as well as a shutout from Chris Mason to take the victory.

Phoenix 3, St. Louis 2 -- Start planning the Stanley Cup victory parade, the Coyotes are undefeated!

Tampa Bay 3, New Jersey 1 -- Three points for Martin St. Louis, two for Vinny Lecavalier.

Philadelphia 3, Calgary 2 -- Daniel Briere had two goals in his debut.

A Handy Guide for Beginners: Attending a Hockey Game

n0wak on Flickr

With the NHL season finally getting into full swing, chances are that if you read this blog, you're eventually going to wander into an NHL arena at some point. It may be because of the appealing ice girls, a significant other who dragged you along, or you may have been kidnapped and forced to attend by someone in the team's sales department (the Panthers are notorious for this). No matter how you got there, the point is that you are there and have to live with your situation. That's why I'm here to help.

I know, I know, an NHL arena can be a big, loud, scary place with lots of, you know, other people. Fear not my feeble, anti-social, computer screen tanned counterparts. I have been into the devil's lair and back many a time. All you need to succeed is a little know how and common sense. A love of hockey is also a plus.

In another installment of BMR's Handy Pocket Guides for Beginners, we will take a look at attending hockey games. I'm not talking about how to get from your car to your assigned seat. I'm talking about not being a jackass and inconvenience to the other fans around you. You don't want to be "that guy (or girl)".

Be aware of special promotions before purchasing tickets. These come in all forms, some good and some bad... Everyone likes free shit on give away nights. Might as well get the most bang for your buck, right? ...People without kids don't like Kid Appreciation Day. There's nothing worse than going to a game with 5,000 screaming children. Actually, I don't see why any adult would like that... Senior citizen, student, military and other assorted discounts. Be aware of the perks that come with your person. Some teams have super sweet deals for students, others give discounts to just about anyone who asks. Know your options before your buy!

Arrive on time; game time means game time. First off, the pre-game festivities (especially on opening night) may be worth getting to the arena early for. Secondly, when there's a minute left in the period and my team has a power play, don't you dare walk in front of where I'm sitting. Two words; pepper spray. There is no excuse for being late, even if you live in a major metropolitan area. You know there is going to be traffic, so prepare for it. Exceptions to this rule are fans attending games in Los Angeles, Miami and other select parts of the west coast. In these places, it's better to be fashionably late. You need to look like you have many other important activities going on in your life.

Don't cut the concession line. This is a cardinal sin. Everyone else has the patience and respect for others to wait in line, and so do you. If you're simply allergic to long lines then get your food during the period, and not at intermission. The lines should be almost non-existent during that time.

Do yourself a favor and don't buy merchandise sold at the arena. If you've ever been to a concert, you know the true meaning of the phrase 'jacked up merchandise prices'. Most NHL arenas tend to do the same. Get you stuff online (see: Ebay) or a local retailer. Trust me, there is no reason to pay $200 for that jersey you've been wanting for so long. Might as well wait a bit longer and save some green.

Don't be a know it all. We've all sat near the person who thinks they are the next Barry Melrose. You know, the person who has brought a friend to the game that knows nothing about hockey and all game long "Barry" over there rattles on about how great [home team's best player] is or some other drivel. Meanwhile, you're stuck sitting there trying to enjoy the game without the commentary of an inbred. Alex Ovechkin is one of the best young stars the league has to offer? Gee, thanks for that insight. He plays for the Washington Captials? Wow. I can't believe TSN hasn't hired you yet.

Tell your kid to shut. The fuck. Up. It's a similar situation to airplanes. We're stuck sitting near each other for the next couple of hours, so please don't ruin my experience because I'm going to do my best to not ruin yours. Get your kid to stop crying, stop kicking my chair, and teach them something about hockey while you're at it.

Do create funny, abstract and original chants. Sure, hearing 'Go Sens go' for the millionth time doesn't really get old, and hell, it's tradition. But everyone loves the person who can come up with that new, cheeky and irreverent chants (or heckles). "Kerry Fraser touches little boys" would certainly qualify as all of the above. All that being said, you usually cant go wrong with a classic like "Messier sucks", or for the Ranger fan in you, "Potvin sucks".

Your "priceless" sign does not make you clever. Before you go to the game, make sure you leave your 'sign that copies those MasterCard commercials and tells us all how happy you are to be here today' at home. Those were old and unoriginal five years ago. You can do better. Ironically, you also paid to get in. Hockey games have set ticket prices, and by the power of my deduction, are by no means priceless.

Leave the Puck Bunnies alone. They have no interest in you, and you don't know where they've been.

Do not, under any circumstances, leave the game early. Are you one of those people who leaves the game two minutes early to beat traffic? Chances are you probably have regretted doing that at least once. So you know what? This year, don't leave early and sit down while you're doing it so the rest of us can watch the game. Why would you want to leave early anyway? You paid about $100 bucks to get in, might as well get your money's worth if you're not about to support the team. A handy tip; stick around for about 10 minutes after the final buzzer. Let everyone else leave, so that you'll have stayed for the entire game and still have a smooth ride home. Exceptions to this rule; grave illness or your team getting blown out of the building. There's no reason to stay if it's 8-0 at the first intermission. You paid to watch hockey, not clowns on ice.

The Daily Sniper: Paul Stastny is My New Favorite Player

News and notes from last night's action...

Creepy player intros in Colorado. Doug Pensinger/Getty Images

Colorado 4, Dallas 3 -- They just had to non conform and not go to overtime, didn't they? In the only game of the night that kept the fans from seeing extra hockey, the Avs won their home opener no thanks to douchebag newcomer Ryan Smyth, who had zero points and -1 rating on the night. The story was Paul Stastny, who had a hat trick by the 11:15 mark of the second period. Wojtek Wolski knocked in the eventual game winner minutes later and Andrew Brunette also picked up three helpers. As I mentioned before, I have Stastny on all three of my fantasy teams. Suck it, everyone.

Ottawa 4, Toronto 3 OT -- Roses are red, violets are blue, I hate Jason "fetus" Blake, how about you? Blake was +2 with an assist in his ACC debut, but the Leafs blew a 3-2 third period lead en rout to the loss. Paul Maurice surprise pretty much everyone by starting Andrew Raycroft in net, who looked decent until the team in front of him collapsed, getting out shot 12-4 in the third period... Nik Antropov had two goals for Toronto and Dany Heatley had three points for the Sens including the overtime winner... The new Sens jerseys were looking sharp tonight, but from far away and behind looked an awful lot like the new Caps jerseys.

Detroit 3, Anaheim 2 SO -- Henrik Zetterberg has two points for the Wings, and Todd Bertuzzi had two for the Ducks against his former team as the Wings won in shootout. If anyone had any doubts about the talent that Ilya Bryzgalov has, consider those doubts erased. Bryzgalov made 40 saves, as the Ducks suffered from some SERIOUS jet lag, getting out shot 42-15.

Montreal 3, Carolina 2 OT -- Saku Koivu netted his second of the game on the power play in overtime to give the Habs a road win to start the year... Roman Hamrlik played in his 1,000th NHL game for his 5th different NHL team.

Required Reading for Oct. 4th

Meet Paul Stastny (right) early season fantasy hockey wrecking machine. AP Photo/David Zalubowski

• Do we get to fight other customers? It's retail shopping, NHL style. The fine folks over at Pop Jocks have a look at the new NHL store opening in Manhattan on October 12th. By far the best feature is the "in-house Starbucks where men can dump off their girlfriends for a few hours." Why didn't anyone think of that sooner? It also goes to show that you cannot escape Starbucks no matter where you go. Soon they'll be installing a Starbucks in my house. That's the next logical step.
• Kings are Masters of the Obvious: Great post up at Battle of California. In case anyone had any doubts, a new TV spot clears things up; the Kings do, in fact, play in L.A.
• Don't say I didn't warn you: ESPN sucks at fantasy sports, something Scotty Hockey learned about recently. It's an 'A+' rant in my book. Bravo! Well, except for the part where your fantasy team got ruined in the process. Probably not worth it, I would guess.
• The morning news: Brought to you by the gang at Illegal Curve. Probably the best hockey blog you haven't heard of. If it happens in hockey, they know about it. No, really. They do.
• Thank you Paul Stastny hat trick: Now all three of my fantasy hockey teams are +3 goals. Not nearly as cool as +1 throwing daggers, but still cooler than Chris Kattan.
  
• More blog rankings: This time courtesy of Sports Business Daily. How many of these friggin' things do we need? My cat can rank blogs, too. Wanna see?

Hockey Night in TV Land

With the North American season opening tonight, there's quite a few games to watch on the tube no matter which side of the border you find yourself on. Tonight's TV schedule, with all times Eastern:

• Anaheim @ Detroit - 7 PM, Versus
• Montreal @ Carolina - 7 PM, RDS
• Ottawa @ Toronto - 7:30 PM, TSN
• Dallas @ Colorado - 9:30 PM, Versus

I'll be watching on NHL Center Ice Online. It's finally time to see how well three games at once works on that thing. On a side note, I'm still not completely sure about how the blackout restrictions work (customer service doesn't have time to answer emails, I guess), so if I can't see the Islander game on Friday night because it's based on my billing address (New York) and not where I physically am (the derrrty derrrty), it's going to be a long weekend. And I'm going to get my ~150 bucks back.

Update: Patience is a virtue. The good folks over at NHL.com tell me that it's based on where you are physically located, so Justin (in the comments) would be right. Sweet!

Short term memory, it's a funny thing, huh?

So take a look at USA Today's NHL predictions. Does something look a little funny to you? Is there anything that sticks out? No?

Well, let me narrow down your search.

I don't know if Darren Eliot didn't get the memo or what, but this is what Evgeni Malkin did last year:

He, you know, won the Calder Trophy given to the NHL's Rookie of the Year. As far as I know, you're only eligible for that award once. I could be wrong.

(h/t Fanhouse via Hockey's Future)

2007-08 Preseason Foreplay: Nashville Predators

Oh, those zany Predator fans! Paul Nicholson on Flickr

Quick hits

• In the future, the undead will wears Predators jerseys. You heard it here first, folks.
• SI FanNation wants you to think that Steve Sullivan has aged horribly.
• Gnash is in your arena, controlling your mind with his wand.
• Jordin Tootoo is an uncontrollable machine of death that cannot be stopped.
  
• This will be the Predators' tenth season in existence, and the franchise has never won a division title. They finished 2nd each of the last two seasons, and recorded a total of 216 points. That's what happens when you share a room with the Red Wings.
  
• Last season, the team recorded 51 wins, 110 points and 272 goals, all of which were franchise records.

Odds for the folks at gambler's anonymous

54 to 1: In the future, hockey will be the favorite pastime of the undead.

4 to 1: In the future, Resident Evil movies are still going to be a waste of time.

Obligatory serious analysis

You don't need to be reminded, you've certainly heard an awful lot about it, but the Nashville Predators may have had one of the worst off-seasons in NHL history, or at least recent memory. The team almost jetted the Music City for Kitchener, Hamilton and Kansas City (did I miss any?) on many different occasions. The new ownership is still sketchy at best, and probably not-so-secretly set on closing up shop and moving to a new location.

To make matters worse, the Predators had a summer fire sale reminiscent of those classic mid-90s cost-cutting Islander teams. The list of casualties is long, starting with the departure of Scott Hartnell and Kimmo Timonen to the Flyers for only draft picks in a trade that can only be described as "oh my god! Scandaloussss!", because both players signed contracts with the Flyers almost immediately. Paul Kariya is gone after signing with the Blues, and deadline day acquisition Peter Forsberg is almost surely gone despite still being a free agent. Star net minder Tomas Vokoun is also gone, having been traded to the Florida Panthers for draft picks. The Preds have Chris Mason to fill the shoes of Vokoun, but other than that, the Predators will likely struggle to replace all of the aforementioned players this season.

You want to hear good news? There's no good news, except that fan rallies sold a whole bunch of season tickets over the summer. Those will only stem tide, though as it seems increasingly likely that this Predators team will a wash on and off the ice.

The team recently announced that it still has about 9,000 tickets unsold for it's first two home games, short of the average of 14,000 in paid admission necessary to ensure the team's place in Nashville. To add to that, today TSN is reporting that a local group is pessimistic about it's bid to buy the franchise.

It's going to be a long winter in Nashville. It's a shame.


Prediction: I the Predators will like be simply a shell of their former selves, and will probably not challenge for a playoff spot this season. I'm pegging them for the 11th spot in the Western Conference.

The best looking ice girls in Nashville
It's twice the ice girl fun in the Music City, the Preds have Goal Girls and Dancers.

Both images (C) Nashville Predators

Previous Editions of Preseason Foreplay

• Atlanta Thrashers - August 15th
• Boston Bruins - August 27th
• Buffalo Sabres - September 21st
  
• Calgary Flames - September 2nd
• Carolina Hurricanes - September 26th
  
• Chicago Blackhawks - August 24th
• Colorado Avalanche - September 13th
  
• Columbus Blue Jackets - August 22nd
  
• Dallas Stars - August 13th
• Detroit Red Wings - September 25th
  
• Edmonton Oilers - September 1st
  
• Florida Panthers - August 26th
• Los Angeles Kings - September 8th
  
• Minnesota Wild - September 1st
  
• Montreal Canadiens - August 29th
  
• New Jersey Devils - August 19th
• New York Islanders - September 20th
  
• New York Rangers - September 16th
• Ottawa Senators - September 18th
  
• Philadelphia Flyers - September 6th
• Pittsburgh Penguins - September 6th
  
• Phoenix Coyotes - August 14th
• St. Louis Blues - September 9th
• San Jose Sharks - September 23rd
  
• Tampa Bay Lightning - August 18th
• Toronto Maple Leafs - September 11th
• Vancouver Canucks - September 25th
  
• Washington Capitals - September 12th

What to Watch for: Week One

Carey Price begins his quest for world domination on Wednesday. Dave Sanford/Getty Images

As the season gets into full swing this week, there's bound to be something interesting going on. This is the post where I try to figure out exactly what story lines are out there.

• Getting the Islander mention out of the way: The Islanders and Sabres are two of the East's mystery teams. No one's quite sure how good the Sabres are going to be after losing their heart and soul. They could be cellar dwellers, they could be in the playoff picture all the way. The Islanders are in a similar boat, except for the fact that everyone but EJ Hradek and Bucci are picking them to finish last. With a revamped roster, anything is possible. The teams will square off Friday and Saturday nights in a home and home series that won't be watched by anyone outside of New York, but should give us a good idea of where these teams stand.
• Carey Price Watch: With the announcement today that the Habs have tabbed Uber Prospect Carey Price as their backup net minder for the year, the countdown until when he usurps Cristobal Huet for the top spot is on. The Habs open in Carolina on Wednesday, a team which they will play two additional times this month, and travel to Toronto for a Saturday match up with the Leafs.
• The moment we've all been waiting for: Hockey returns to Versus Wednesday night, with the Ducks and Wings at 7:00 PM EST followed by the Stars and Avs at 9:30. For those of you in Canada, TSN has Leafs/Sens at 7:30.
  
• I don't like you, and you don't like me... Got it? The Battle of Ontario resumes with a home and home series between the Leafs and Sens on Wednesday and Thursday. All this really means is that the crushing of the Leafs' hopes will start early this year. We'll have to wait and see, but by all indications the Sens are going to have any easy go of it in the East this season.
• I believe Kansas City has my stapler: Thursday night the Predators open their season at home, and things are looking bleak already. There are apparently still almost 8,000 tickets unsold for the game in an arena that seats about 17,000. I imagine Gary Bettman would play the role of Bill Lumbergh well; 'Yeah so... Nashville. I'm going to need you to go ahead and move to Kansas City, OK? Grrrreat. Yeahhhh.... and could you do that ASAP? Grrrrreat. Thanks.'

Trying to Make Sense of Real, Actual, Meaningful Games That Felt Irrelevant

Caption Contest! Go! Daniel Berehulak/Getty Images

As you know, the NHL kicked off the regular season in London, England this weekend. If you're feeling a little hollow and unenthusiastic about this whole opening weekend thing, you're not alone. While we're closer to the (North American) start of the regular season, there really wasn't much to get excited for this weekend unless you live in California. After all, there won't be another NHL game played until Wednesday (Why does everyone else have to take a break? Couldn't we of all started play this weekend and given the Kings and Ducks a week off?) and there was a significant feeling of disconnect by having a season start an ocean and couple time zones away from, well, anywhere.

This all leads me to wonder; how many ways to start a season uniquely can I come up with off the top of my head that are better than the NHL's idea?

• Start the season in a European country that gives a shit about hockey (see: Sweden, Russia, Czech Republic, etc.)
• Start the season in a North American non-NHL city that would probably implode if it hosted an actual regular season opener (see: Hamilton, Halifax, Winnipeg, Hartford, Seattle).
• Begin the year with a "Rivalry Weekend" that will grab fans' attention fast. Play all sorts of rivalry games on Saturday and Sunday. Potential match ups include, but are not limited to; Rangers/Islanders, Leafs/Sens or Leafs/Habs, Oilers/Flames, Avs/Red Wings, Florida/Tampa Bay (God forbid the NHL forget about those warm weathered markets.)
• Do some kind of ridiculous, shameless, media attention grabber. For example; all home openers are free admission because there are, after all, forty-fucking-one other home dates and those losses are really only a drop in the bucket. A steel cage match between Donald Brashear and Gary Bettman would also do.

I don't mean to be cocky, but I might have just out-thought the NHL's marketing department in about 10 minutes.

As for the actual games, well, it sounds like they worked out pretty well... Except for when the lights went out for 15 minutes before Saturday's contest. Other than that, it all was pretty swell. From all accounts the fans loved it. Both teams won a game, so they surely head home somewhat content, and Ducks fans are relived because their players can now finally stop faking retirement and/or injuries to avoid traveling overseas. I didn't actually see any of the games, so I'm not about to make any comment about how well the teams played, but I did sign up for NHL.tv. Pretty pumped about that.

That pretty much sums up the NHL's opening weekend British spectacular. Yeah, it happened, but who cares?

Wednesday night, folks. That's when hockey really starts. Unless you care about the Kings or the Ducks, I imagine.


P.S. ...for those of you waiting in dire anticipation, the final edition of Preseason Forplay for the Predators will be up tomorrow. Don't do anything rash before then.

P.P.S. I couldn't figure out a way to include it, but isn't this Canucks jersey absolutely hilarious? I can't comprehend why this isn't actually their new sweater.

Suck It, Numbers 87 Through 100

This cake has nothing to do with anything other than showing you my uber blogging skills. PinkCakeBox on Flickr

So, a sports blog that I am completely unfamiliar with published a list of the Top 100 Most Influential Sports bloggers, and BMR is ranked 86th. Sweet. I didn't even have to sleep with the judges to do it!

I'm honored and all, but the whole list is one big conundrum to me. It's like when those guys in the cheap seats talk sports with you, except that they're talking sports blogs. Sure, they know what they're talking about, but they've obviously had one too many drinks.

What I'm getting at is that the top hockey bloggers were all completely left off of the list; where are Mirtle and McErlain? BoC? BoA? Hello? Bueller?

Surely, these guys are among the Top 100 sports blogs, not to mention the scores of other great hockey bloggers out there. Surely, I'm not the only one. (That's implying that I'm any good to begin with, which is hard to believe. To take anyone seriously who picked the Sens in seven this past spring is really hard to do.) Huh? No? Well then please give me some of what they're having. It must really relax the mind.

Look, I'm just not feeling the lack of love for hockey blogs that this list has. There are great ones out there, and you really don't have to look all that hard to find them. I mean honestly, go look at the Top 40 hockey blogs on BallHype and tell me that any of those don't deserve a place on the list. OK, you can't have 40 hockey blogs in the top 100. Still, you get the point.

Actually, fuck it. Fuck rankings. When did this turn into a popularity contest?