Monday, June 11, 2007

The Constitution of the United Mullets of BMR

The man. The mullet. The legend.

Today marks exactly one month since Barry Melrose Rocks came into existence. Yes, in that short time you have heard near incoherent rantings about everything from playoff beards and people who watch half naked teenagers ride stationary bikes to prospects who love to party and some half assed quality playoff coverage. That's great and all, but it still has left many questions unanswered such as; why isn't Sarah Silverman funny, why did the sequels to the Matrix suck, and why on God's green earth internet does this blog even exist?

As it turns out, I'm really not sure about the answer to any of those questions. If you really need to know, you should probably ask your parents.

That being said, it's about time to try and figure out exactly what the purpose and direction of this blog is going to be in the coming months. To simplify things, today I am proud to announce the creation of the Constitution of the United Mullets of Barry Melrose Rocks. It's kind of like the US Constitution, minus slavery.

Article 1: The Author
  • Section 1: Despite the hilarity and success that certain kick ass blogs have had regarding the use of the 'royal we,' the writers at Barry Melrose Rocks (henceforth identified as 'BMR') shall not make use of said 'we', unless said use is absolutely necessary. At the present moment there is, in fact, one writer at BMR and he shall not even think of invoking the use of the 'we' until there actually is a 'we'. At the present, even though the writer does indeed speak for the entire blog, he does not speak for all of the readers, all NHL fans, nor all members of the cast of the television show 'Reno 911'. Since he cannot speak for these parties, he shall not make it appear that he speaks for these parties.
  • Section 2: The author shall not speak in the third person, unless he is writing a document such as this or if the use of the third person is absolutely necessary.

Article 2: Blog Posts
  • Section 1: In the name of all that is fun, the author shall not post more than three completely serious blog entries in a row. The lone exception being during a time of national crisis (i.e. Brian Burke's head explodes during a press conference).
  • Section 2: In all relevant instances, the author will cite any sources used in a post by creating a hyper link to those sources. The author has the right to either link at the bottom of the post or anywhere in the post's text as so; what would they have called hyper links in 1787? If a source goes uncited, the commenters have the right to request sources and/or attempt to discern if the author is a witch, whereby they will place him in a cage and determine if the author weights the same as a duck. If it is found that the author is of equal weight as the duck, they will be declared a witch and burned (since both ducks and wood float and witches are made of wood because they burn).
  • Section 3: The author will not intervene in their own article with a note from the editor. The lone exception being if, and only if, said note is funnier than the video Super Size Me (With Whiskey). Since that it not possible, this is is not allowed.
  • Section 4: This is not your parents' hockey blog! The author will attempt to be as original as possible, even if that means being completely random at times (i.e. posting long articles about playoff beards). Every website has a finals preview and post game analysis, and one of BMR's goals will be to provide you with that knowledge and insight, but not bore you with the lame ass, repetitive details. We know where the game takes place. We know the key players. Now tell us something interesting!
Article 3: Posting Photos
  • Section 1: The author shall not go more than five (5) days without posting at least one picture that in some way involves a celebrity or hot chick.
  • Section 2: In the event that the author cannot find a suitable picture to accompany a post, a picture of a celebrity/hot chick must be used as a substitute. Said picture must relate in some way to the post, even if it has six degrees of separation.
Article 4: Categories
  • Section 1: The number of categories shall be kept as small as possible and any category that does not pertain to a person, NHL team or event (playoffs, draft, free agency etc.) shall have a ridiculous name.
    • Subsection A: No category shall ever be created for Mark Messier. The author fears that if such category is created, Mr. Messier will request a formal, overly dramatic press conference to announce it, wherein Mr. Messier will cry like an 8-year old girl.
Article 5: Vendettas
Any personal bias and/or vendettas that the author has shall be made clear in this, Article five (5).
  • Section 1: Bias
    • Subsection A: The author is, by birthright, completely and utterly biased towards the New York Islanders, but will try and be as impartial as possible.
    • Subsection B: The New York Jets also present a problem of bias, but they play football. That sport is irrelevant here.
    • Subsection C: Let it be known that the University of South Carolina is far superior to Clemson University, and that the SEC is the best college conference in the nation (save for Big East basketball).
  • Section 2: Vendettas
    • Subsection A: The author, as you might expect, has an extreme distaste for one Gary Bettman.
    • Subsection B: The New York Rangers are going to be given their due diligence, but that is all.
    • Subsection C: From herein let it be known that the author has no patience for the ramblings that come out of Toronto every so often. (Exhibit A)

1 comment:

  1. For what it's worth, the canting dictionary on my Web site is dated 1736 (or possibly 1726) and not 1786 :-)

    But I don't know what they'd have called hyperlinking either!