Friday, August 29, 2008

JR is 4th Best Video Game Athlete Ever -- We Cannot Stand for This

Dear readers, an unjust travesty has befallen us (that will be the wordiest sentence this week, promise). Our good friend JR has been wronged and we must stand up and defend him. We must stand up for those we care about we they are pimped slapped by some video game nerds.

Over at (great website, btw) they made a list of the top video game athletes of all time. It's a nice list and an entertaining read. But there's one glaring mistake -- JR is only 4th. Now we all know that he has already been declared the best video game athlete ever, but by bloggers and Vince Vaughn. Personally, I don't know what better endorsements you need than that. But the liberal wheat grass drinking nerds over at IGN don't agree. They have the audacity to put JR fourth on their list. Fourth.

There was never a more automatic win in the history of video games. If you had JR on your team back in the day, you had the victory. Nonetheless Mike Tyson, Bo Jackson and Mike 'Puppy Slapper' Vick beat out Roenick for the top spot. But no matter. We all know who the best video game athlete ever was.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

What's wrong with hockey in the south again?

If you don't root for the Caps, you aren't a patriot

Last week, Kevin highlighted the contentious battle between Ted Leonsis and Ross McKeon over the idea of contraction in the NHL. I think at this point, the NHL is doing just fine (overall profit in the NHL is greater than that in the NBA), so I think contraction is moot, but I'm here to defend the south, the target of McKeon's proposed contraction.

Looking at the list of proposed contractees, it's easy to see the generalization. Hockey doesn't work in the south. Attendence, the best metric of whether or not a sport is working in a specific town, clearly demonstrates that the geographic areas the least interested in hockey are, of course, Chicago, St. Louis, Long Island, New Jersey and Washington, Ted Leonsis' hood. Since the lockout ended, those are the only teams to show up more than once in the bottom 5 of percentage of tickets sold. Florida and Nashville were there once, while Carolina, Atlanta and Tampa never had years this bad. For the most part, outside of New Jersey, the consistently poorly attended teams have been awful.

In all fairness, this past year featured Florida at the bottom, but it isn't because they suddenly started attracting fewer fans. In fact, they sold 80% of their tickets last year, which is far and away better than the last place team for the NBA or MLB and is actually better than what they did in 2006-07. I don't think it's responsible to say that hockey isn't working out in Miami, though, when their contending baseball team isn't drawing either. I think it's more accurate to say that sports in general aren't working in Miami. Don't pin this one on the South.

Basically, if we're looking at attendance statistics, it's very clear that the NHL is just like any other sport. The best way to put fans in the seats is to put a good team on the field, or, in this case, the ice, no matter where you are.

Giving the people what they want

Ooh yeah, baby, that's gratuitous
Japers' Rink

Every time I post here, it seems, loyal commentor BlackCapricorn laments the lack of ice girls in my posts. Far be it from me to leave a bad impression, so here is a picture of some girl on the Florida Panthers' ice girls team. Frankly, what else can you do in southern Florida with a pair of skates?

If you have anything to say to me directly in the future, because I forgot to drop this knowledge on you last week, my e-mail addy is thevictimes[at] I need your name and address if you would like an autograph.

For the time being, enjoy this young lady exposing roughly 48% of her boobs (especially you BC!), even though I'm pretty sure half the readers here are female as well.

...And We're Back Online

After a torturous 36 hours without internet, the IT department has finally gotten off it's ass. I'm back online so expect things to pick up. Apologies for the lack of posting. Angry emails to the people who killed my internet are, of course, encouraged. Ryan will be checking in tomorrow, so enjoy his company. I'll see you on Friday!

Monday, August 25, 2008

Screw Commentating, I'm Going to be a Star!

What's up nerds? I hope you've been getting a nice tan from your computer screens. I've been out on the beach in sunny California and am tanner than Robert Downey Jr. in Tropic Thunder. It's amazing. Doesn't have the same effect as a computer monitor though. HA!

Now you all think I'm going to be a commentator when I retire. You're all groveling at my feet, asking me to save the hockey media in America. Sorry to break it to ya, but it's not gonna happen. Do you really think I would lower myself to be a freaking broadcaster? We all know that I can do anything I put my mind to so I figured, why not go big? I'm starting small, in television, and before you know it I'm going to be a huge movie star. I'm going to wipe my floor with George Clooney and Matt Damon. Ben Affleck will be my pool boy.

I'll be on TNT this fall and that's only the beginning. I've got friends in high places and more talent in my pinky than your tiny heads can even fathom. Watch out kiddies, JR is going Hollywood. Entertainment will never be the same. Peace.


Saturday, August 23, 2008

Suggestions for the Islanders' Sign Guy

(C) New York Islanders

So the Islanders have this fan, one of the attention seeking eccentric types, who always has some sign at the games. He must work for some company that makes signs. That or he wastes an awful lot of money getting these things printed up.

Anywho, he appeared on the Islanders' website this morning along side the NHL's newest head coach, Scott Gordon. The sign he had, as can be seen to your right, read 'beam us up, Scotty'. Clearly lacking on the originality scale. That's where we come in. As a public service, I'm suggestion we help out Sign Guy. He clearly needs a little bit of inspiration, and I think we're just the folks to give it to him (but not in that way).

  • Scotty doesn't know (that Fiona and me do it in his van every sunday).
  • Welcome to Survivor 20: Long Island coach
  • Welcome to New York! How you doin? Fuggedaboutit.
  • At least you're used to coaching an AHL-Calibur team.
  • Meet your new boss, Rick DiPietro.
  • Yes, we are really in the NHL.
  • Welcome to Long Island, where old veterans go to retire.
  • Welcome to Long Island, remember it's an island. There's no escape.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Barry Melrose and Tampa Bay Fans Aren't the Best of Friends

Observe, the wild Lightning fans in their natural habitat!

So Barry Melrose is the new coach of Tampa Bay and he's a bit of an eccentric, walks to his own beat, etc. You know this. What you might not have known is that the locals down in Tampa are STILL pissed at him for things he may or may not have said four years ago.

Per Kukla per the Sporting News:

SN: What was the reaction in Tampa from fans when you were hired?

Melrose: A lot of people there were still mad at me for 2004. Supposedly, I made derogatory remarks about Tampa Bay. If people remember you saying it, it doesn't matter if you said it. That was fun. We were doing autograph sessions and stuff and people said, "Barry I hated what you said in 2004." It's really funny these people think it was personal, what I say on TV is personal. All in all, I think it's been very favorable, but it's a wait and see. They're waiting to see the ownership, but (they) liked what they did. It's wait and see; the last few years have been tough on them.

SN: So what did you supposedly say in 2004 that has fans in Tampa so riled up?

Melrose: That Tampa didn't have a chance (in the Stanley Cup final), not nearly as good as Calgary. That was nuts -- I picked Tampa Bay. I don't know what was going on. If they think you said it, you said it.

Ah, it's still August and the natives are already restless. Barry, when in Florida always remember to carry garlic, pepper spray and extra hairspray. Hairspray for the humidity, garlic for the elderly vampires that come out for the early bird specials at Red Lobster and pepper spray for the fans that already hate your guts. It also can be used to fend off drunk spring breakers.

Florida is a wild place that still needs to be tamed. Trend carefully Senor Melrose. Out in the wilderness, your next move could be your last.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Hi Kids, Welcome to BMR 101

It's getting close to the beginning of school, which coincides nicely with my new role here. Mostly, the first day of school is a waste of time in which syllabuses are passed out, and then you go around the room and introduce yourself, give one fact about yourself and then have the teacher prattle on, breaking all the rules and telling many more than one fact about him or herself. Well guess what? We're going to do the exact same thing, except without syllabuses and I'm the teacher.
First off, my name is Ryan Henning, and after a long, arduous negotiation (like 2 e-mails), I agreed to come aboard and bring my own unique brand of poorly edited humor to BMR. It was big news in Canada.
Here's the bare bone facts. I was born and raised in Minnesota, went to school in Indiana and now work in Minneapolis as a meteorologist, but not the TV kind, because nobody wants the weather guy to be better looking than the anchor. And I sort of stutter. Before that, I was a referee and worked at the Home Depot. I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you hate me, yell all you want, and I'll probably just chuckle politely at your vitriol. "How could I possibly fit that up my ass?"
So anyways, you may have read my work here before, or quite possibly at the Victoria Times, named, of course, after my favorite English Queen hometown. I think I've done a pretty good job of not making any enemies, except for one sorry incident when I pissed off the entire state of Oregon. I don't know how Kevin feels about Oregon, but there can't be that much adoration between the two, since he brought me on.
As for the hockey. Well, Minnesota is named the "State of Hockey" and as such, I've been surrounded by it my whole life. My head has been the same size my whole life, which made standing upright on skates very difficult as a youngster, so I never got into the game as a player, but I was able to follow my more proportionate brother, my state championship high school team, and the pro team when we had one. We even had a Stanley Cup playoff series in 91, but it didn't go so good, thanks to some assholes from Pittsburgh.
So, that's me. I'll be poking around in the comments, seeking your adulation today, so if you have any questions or comments, or would like to call me a Norwegian bastard or something, I'm all ears. And of course, I'll see you next Thursday.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

McKeon vs. Leonsis, Round 2: If You're So Smart, You Try It!

An artist's rendition of what Ross McKeon may or may not look like.

On Saturday I told you about a cute little war of words (no Tom Cruise) between Caps' owner Ted Leonsis and Yahoo!'s Ross McKeon. It was the usual media/owner banter.

You know how that is. One guy goes 'your team should be contracted' and the other retorts with 'why do you want children to starve?'


Usually feuds like this fade away. Either the owner has better things to do (likely) or the writer is so used to criticism he couldn't give a shit (also likely). But not this time. This time they may duke it out right in front of our eyes for our entertainment! We get to take on the role of excited onlooks oh-ing and ah-ing in the hope that someone gets curb stomped at the end of the night. That way all of us bloodthirsty villagers can go home happy.

So today, in a move I certainly didn't see coming, McKeon let loose on Leonsis over at Yahoo! The bloodthirsty villagers are getting what we want. McKeon started off by saying his original post was 'tongue-in-cheek' and went on to address Leonsis' points.

I'm not surprised [Leonsis] would be offended by the suggestion of League contraction. Although I highly doubt he would have said boo if Washington wasn't on my "list."

All of his points, those besides the personal attacks (who said I'm a freelance writer?) came down to money, which is his expertise considering the success he's had as a businessman. That's all fine and good, and might help to explain, too, why his team raised tickets prices for the upcoming season, some seats by as much as 10 percent.

It wasn't long ago Washington was struggling at the gate, and struggling mightily with season-ticket sales.

Oooooh! Sick buuurn!

But that's not the best part. Not nearly. McKeon decided to go the distance and start poking Papa Bear Leonsis with a stick -- issuing a challenge to the candid blogger/owner to write his own 5 Ways to Change the NHL.

But what I would like to hear from Leonsis -- since maybe we have his attention and maybe he's one of the few owners in the league brave and smart enough to really say what he thinks -- is what are your five ideas for change?

So, Ted, from an owners' perspective, what could improve? Let's hear it. And as we can all agree, that would certainly be more interesting and entertaining than reading about me.
Settle in folks and grab some popcorn. This could get really good. There's nothing more dangerous than poking the 500lb gorilla in the room with a stick, and I think that's what McKeon just did. The best part -- McKeon doesn't care. Journalists are impervious to criticism! What with their leather suits that reflect all sharply worded statements!

That's all from me for right now. Ryan will check in with you on Thursday. See you on Friday!

Sunday, August 17, 2008

It's Time to Address the Elephant in the Room

I've done a disservice to you, dear reader.

There's been a large proverbial elephant in the room for about a week now, and I have yet to address it. Some of you couldn't give a crap about said elephant, and that's fine. But I know some of you expect me to explain said elephant and to those of you, I apologize.

Not sure what I'm talking about? As Dilligent Reader WufPirate noticed last week, I have yet to address the Islanders' newest coach, Scott Gordon.

Not filed in the "news we're obligated to report" --- the Islanders hiring a new coach?

And Wuf is right. My pro-Islander bias (Being in the MSM 101, Lesson #1 -- Bloggers are worthless because they acknowledge their biases instead of hiding them.) has not kicked in as you might have expected. For many of you, hopefully most of you, that's a relief. For the rest of you who actually want to hear my inane ramblings that won't matter because the team will tank it in December anyway, listen up. I've got a few thought on the hire, and here they are in no particular order.

First and foremost is that I need to acknowledge the PR staff for handling this admirably. Take this headline from the Islanders' website after the hiring:

Packed press conference, eh? Let's see about that...

(C) Bruce Bennett /Getty Images

There were more reporters eating from the breakfast buffet of the Holiday Inn in Westbury this morning. So kudos to the PR folks for doing their job well. And hey, he's not a big name coach, it's the middle of August and some guy in China is the biggest story in America. A turnout like this isn't a surprise.

Now let's move on and get into the hiring itself.

My only problem is that it took so long for all of this to come about. I don't mind the length of the selection process. Hell, taking a good amount of time to choose a coach, who will hopefully be here a while, is a great thing. It's just that shit should have hit the proverbial fan a lot sooner for Ted Nolan. He should have been done as soon as the season was over. Basically the point boils down to this -- we're a couple weeks away from camp, already IN rookie camp and have only now named our coach. He's starting behind the eight ball. Not good.

As for Gordon himself, I have nothing to gripe about. He sounds like the kind of coach we need. No ego, good with kids (we'll see how he handles the vets) and someone who is in this for the long haul. The only issue, which is more coincidence than anything else, is that he has ties to Boston. That's something that was prevalent during the Milbury era, and you never really want to be associated with that. But that's something I can give him a pass on.

So there you have it. I hope everyone is happy now. I feel better having let that all out. I'll be at Going Five Hole in the morning, subbing for Sean Leahy, so check that out if you have a moment. Sean is out for the week and a whole list of Z-list celebrities will be filling in. Wyshynski is in on Friday and I have no idea how he's going to be able to post 10 times at Yahoo! and a couple more at GFH. The man is not human.

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Naturally, Ted Leonsis Would Be Pissed if You Contracted His Team

On Wednesday, Ross McKeon of Yahoo! (exclamation point required by law) filed his copy of Wyshynski's "5 Ways I'd Change the NHL Series."

Not pulling any punches from the start, McKeon jumped all over the Southeast Division. Hey, it's the cool thing to do. All the kids are doing it.

1. Less is more: We're talking contraction here, fewer teams means better quality of play and so much more. Ding six franchises to get the league down to 24 teams (12 per conference, six in each of four divisions). Who goes? Atlanta Thrashers, Carolina Hurricanes, Florida Panthers, Tampa Bay Lightning, Washington Capitals and Nashville Predators. Hey, look at that, no more Southeast Division.

Was it said jokingly? Well, doesn't seem like it to me. Decide for yourself on that front. Ross' five bullet points were all pretty serious, so I figure this one was too. As you can see, Ross isn't too fond of the Southeast Division and more or less decided 'fuck it, we don't need that trash.'

In a completely understandable reaction to McKeon's thoughts, Ted Leonsis, Washington Captials owner, was a bit peeved. Yeah, he was pissed that someone wanted to contract his team. Imagine that, right?

From time to time, you have heard me rail against media pundits for their lack of criticality; original thinking; creativity; and basic non-understanding of what they are writing about.

Well here is another rant. This time against Ross McKeon and his blog post mentioning contraction of six NHL teams including the Washington Capitals. Read it here.

First, the throw away notion of shuttering six major league teams is just mean-spirited. Those six teams employ thousands and thousands of people and support tens of thousands of families. I guess Ross wants us to lay off all those people in the toughest economy ever. And those teams generate dollars for their cities in taxes and they generate dollars to hundreds and hundreds of small businesses as vendor/ suppliers. All of that would go away and the benefit and glow of a major sports team franchise would leave those cities marked as second rate for a long, long time.



But yeah, how dare you want to destroy the lives of thousands Ross McKeon! You are so un-American you might as well be named Osama Bin Ross! Jerk.

Ted, while his points are fair, is a little overboard. The Caps aren't going anywhere and after the season they had we all know how rabid their fans are. Let's just calm down with all the Ross McKeon likes to destroy famillies and impoversh little children hyperbole. We all know that's not what he wants. Or maybe he does. Sick fuck.

To play Devil's Advocate, for a sec, if Team X is losing money, isn't it a burden to begin with? I'm a cynic and not ready to believe that all 30 teams are ridiculously profitable. Hell, maybe they are. But what do I know I'm a mediot (media + idiot). But if you're losing money hand over fist, for example, I can't see how you're exactly helping the children and their families.

So here we go with potentially the most predictable blog war in the history of the world. It's like Phelps winning a gold medal. You probably saw it coming from 10 light years away. But hey, gotta love a good fight! I still want blood.

h/t Illegal Curve

Thursday, August 14, 2008

EA Sports Releases 2009 NHL Blogger Ratings

Big news for the blogging world today. Here at BMR, we have an exclusive look at EA Sports' attribute ratings for their much anticipated upcoming release, Hockey Blogging '09. Thanks to a source deep inside EA's headquarters, I am proud to be the first and only blogger to give you these numbers. It's a big deal and hockey bloggers are kind of a big deal. San Diego.
So, I figure you probably want an explanation on how EA came up with these numbers. Well, I'm glad you asked because I'm just going to make some shit up and continue to pretend that all of this did not come out of one of my lower orifices. Here's the methodology to EA's blogger rating madness.

Offensive Awareness (OWAR) - Mirtle, the second coming of hockey blogging pulls up with the big 99 in this category. He can put the puck in the net like nobody's business.

Deking (DEK) - Again, when it comes to being offensively gifted, Mirtle's the boss. The boys at the Pensblog have great offensive gifts as well, but their ability to break your ankles leaves a bit to be desired.

Checking (CHK) - Who can lower the boom? That's the question addressed by this category. No one tells the truth like the EMacAttack and the PensBlog boys. Whether or not you agree with them, you have to admit that they can really throw a hip check.

Agility (AGL) - As you can see, not very many hockey bloggers are agile. Their fingers can move fast, but when it comes to everything else, it's not a pretty sight. Long hours spent in front of the computer doesn't do anything to improve your agility.

Passing (PAS) - This is something almost all bloggers are great out. They can dish and give the puck to a playmaker. When it comes to passing links, there are a lot of All-Stars out there. But special mention goes to the folks at Kukla's, they are the current world record holders when it comes to passing. Wyshynski, Mirtle and Pensblog all get honorable mentions.

Acceleration (ACC) - I have no clue how acceleration can apply to blogging. Neither did EA. Everyone scores a 90.

Defensive Awareness (DAWR) - Who can take the heat? Who can take a lickin' and keep on tickin'? For that, you've got to go to the three headed monster of Mirtle-McErlain-Wyshynski. It's a top line that rivals any other blogospheres have to offer. That being said, most bloggers are born with great DAWR. Everyone came up big here.

Other notes - Sean Leahy gets almost all 90s because the kid is solid all across the board. Scouts have yet to find a flaw in him.

So there you have it, folks. It's an All-Star lineup this year from California to DC and everyone in between. I don't know about you, but I can't wait to play HB '09 on my XBOX. It's going to be ballin!

From Now on All Hockey Games Should Be Played in a Glacier

Take a look at the picture to your right. How bad ass is that? If you said very, then we're on the same wavelength.

As Wyshynski alterted me to, a bunch of crazy Euros put together a game 3,883 meters in the air. In a glacier. You know, they just decided to play in a mountain.

Of course, the game was not played on the peak itself, but nearby at Klein Matterhorn and its glacier palace at 3,883 metres. Three cable car connections bring people up there from the village. There's no higher point in Europe accessible by cable car and therefore no better place for Visp's record ambitions.

Maybe this is something that can help out the Islanders. They should build their new arena in a place completely inaccessible to other teams. I'm thinking in a castle surrounded by a swamp filled with hockey-player-eating alligators. Winning record here we come!

But anyway, somewhere Gary Bettman is smiling after hearing about the game. Naturally, it ended in a shootout. I wonder how they feel about shootouts across the pond. I imagine the fans went home happy that they had a winner but were somehow left feeling hollow and empty. I also wonder how it feels to get checked into the boards when the boards are a wall of ice. That's GOT to leave a mark!

Monday, August 11, 2008

It's Official -- We are Now a Two Headed Monster

While everyone around the NHL may be out celebrating the Gretzky trade, we're celebrating an acquisition of our own today. In a little under two weeks on August 21st, this show will no longer be a one man band. Today I am proud to announce the most important, free agent signing in the history of BMR.

A familiar face to all of you, Ryan Henning from the Victoria Times will be joining us on a regular basis beginning on the 21st. Ryan will be filing reports from his parents' basement in Minnesota every Thursday. We can only hope that he will also be unshaven and in only his underwear, so as to dutifully live up to the blogger stereotype.

Join me today in welcoming an addition to our staff of blogging overlords. Welcome aboard, Ryan!

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Danny DeVito Apologizes to Chicago

In a statement released through his agent yesterday, actor Danny DeVito admitted to impersonating Scotty Bowman for the last ten days. He also apologized for unleashing the Reno 911 movie upon the world.

On August 1st, the Chicago Blackhawks hired Danny DeVito as Senior Advisor of Hockey Ops. While they had actually hired an actor, the Hawks thought they had hired Hall of Famer Scotty Bowman away from his beloved Detroit Red Wings. Instead, they got the crazy dad from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and the guy who isn't Arnold Schwarzenegger from Twins.

Said DeVito in the statement, "for the last two weeks I have been living a lie. I have deceived all 10 Blackhawk fans. For that, I am sorry."

The Blackhawks have yet to respond publicly on the matter. Sources close to the team are saying that they are planning on making a formal offer sheet to Ben Stiller.

At the time of press, nine of the Blackhawk fans we contacted had yet to return our calls. The one that we did speak with was hopeful that DeVito would at least stay on as a coach. He also wanted to know if the Cubs would be playing in the Winter Classic.

(All in jest, of course)

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Wayne Gretzky Might Be the Best at Everything Ever

This is starting to get ridiculous. I mean, it's really getting out of hand. There is, apparently, nothing that Wayne Gretzky has ever tried to do that he hasn't been wildly successful with. I'm beginning to think he received straight A+'s in school and could own the world if he really wanted to.

Of course you know that he was the best hockey player to ever play the game. That's a given. You also may have heard that he was really good at making a daughter. OK, so the guy can do a couple things better than everyone else, right?


We might have to employ scientists to investigate, but Wayne may be the best human at everything ever. He's started making a wine that bears his name out in Napa Valley: No. 99 Wayne Gretzky Estates 2005 Cabernet Sauvignon. According to people who know a thing or two about wine, it's apparently pretty good. Knowing nothing about the subject myself -- in addition to not liking wine in general -- I'll turn it over to the folks at, per the Coyotes' website.

“This Cab has classic Napa characteristics: dark fruit aromas of sweet black cherry, blackberry and cassis with a light touch of toasty oak. (It’s) a supple, rich and balanced wine, complemented by delicately complex accents of strawberry, hints of anise, mint, lilac and rose,” writes in a recent article listing its “Best of the Best.”

Those all sound like good characteristics for a wine... I would assume. If you are interested in getting hammered enjoying what I would imagine is the Wayne Gretzky of Cabernet Sauvignons, check out There 99's wines range from $18.99 to $45 for the Cabernet mentioned here. We get no cut, so no pressure. Hell, just send us a check instead. We won't send you wine but unlike Wayne, we could use the money.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

The Gretzky Trade is Firmly Embedded in My Memory Bank

OK, that's a lie. But you know what the straight truth is? This is my latest from FanHouse:

Remembering the Gretzky Trade: 20 Years Later and 10 Years Too Young

Fantasy Sports Girls not included.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Inaccurate MSM-er Accuses Bloggers of Being Inaccurate

President Bush depicting the brain cramps suffered by bloggers after reading this article.

Today, over at USA Hockey Magazine, Ricki Dugdale posted an article about blogging and it's effect on the hockey world. Of course, as with any article on blogging from the MSM, it came with the answers to typical questions such as, "what is a blog?" It was a noble effort, albeit still uninformed like seemingly everything the MSM has ever written about blogs.

Basically my point is this -- if you want to write an article that includes points about what blogs are and which ones are the best, you have to at least have some idea as to what you are talking about. For example, if I'm going to write about what a newspaper is and then type up a Top 10 list, I should have some idea as to what they're all about, correct? OK, glad we have that down.

Like I said, Mr. Dugdale's effort was commendable. He gets a +1 for resisting the urge to paint a picture of all bloggers as 40-year old virgins who haven't seen the sun or our feet in at least a decade. Well, sort of.

Only recently have bloggers begun to shed the stereotypical image of a sports junkie posting his computer-generated rants from the safety of his parent’s basement.

Aside from the fact that the ladies in the room are probably offended (there are female bloggers you know), I would say that comment is sort of a step in the right direction. We've advanced beyond our parents' basement. I didn't get that memo. Were we supposed to move into the living room?

However, the article does come with a few of the standard diatribes (Never leave home without them!).

Practicing a free form of journalism where anything goes, amateur bloggers are not required to uphold media ethics because they are not accountable to a higher authority, such as an editor or publisher.

Dammit. For the last time... What we're doing isn't journalism and we don't try and pretend that we are. To the untrained eye, we are accountable to no one but believe me, if I fuck up, the commenters will let me know. The pageview statistics will reflect it. People are smart. If what I'm writing is dumb and inaccurate, people will stop coming. That's why some blogs float and some don't. The cream always rises to the top (lone exception coming).

But the most damning part of the article, and frankly the part that made me write this rant in the first place is the following passage. It was first pointed out earlier today by Mr. Wyshynski.

Some bloggers tend to post anything and everything, regardless of truth or accuracy, which can create problems because blogs that have been established as reliable must fight harder to be recognized among the established media.

At first glance, that statement raises no red flags in my mind. It's the truth. Some blogs post all kinds of useless shit and those that want to be taken all super serious may have it harder because of that. But read on, and you are confronted with the following brain cramp inducing contradiction when Mr. Dugdale posts his Top 10 list of hockey blogs.

3) Hockey Buzz
Eklund, The Anonymous Hockey Blogger, is the number one NHL blogger on the Internet, and is his collaborative effort with bloggers everywhere. This is the site to find news and information on all the teams and to keep up to date with hockey rumors.

Are you fucking kidding me?

No disrespect to the rest of Hockey Buzz, but that paragraph is a joke. Somewhere Eric McErlain, Greg Wyshynski and James Mirtle may have all had simultaneous strokes. Please, go check on them!

All I'm saying is that if you're going to explain to everyone what blogs are is that you better know a little something about them. Doyle Brunson didn't write the Super System off the top of his head and I hope people will stop writing about blogs when they can't even figure out which ones are fact and which are fiction.

Monday, August 4, 2008

The Questionable Tattoo Selections of Long Islanders

Over at Newsday, there's a neat column from Barbara Barker today. While most of us aren't amazed that people do, in fact, get the logos of their favorite sports teams tattooed on their body, I guess the more casual newspaper readers might be. Nonetheless, it's always interesting to see the random crap people put on themselves.

Now don't get me wrong, I have nothing against tattoos. Some ideas tend to be more obscure and oddball than others. A lot of you may be going "well, yeah, an Islanders' tattoo is probably a bad idea". And you may be right. But if you think that's a bad idea, then you haven't seen anything yet. Forget the names of ex-wives. Forget Steve O's self-portrait.

Let's take, for example, the folks that Newsday interviewed and photographed for this story. These folks may just take the cake. They are a bit more liberal when it comes to body art than the average person. I'm not talking about full length arm tattoos. That may make you look conservative compared to a few of these people.

For her 18th birthday, Hicksville's Alyssa Gluck had Winnie the Pooh with a New York Islanders logo on its stomach tattooed on her ankle.

Because, you know, that's an obvious combination. Oh yes, there are pictures.

All pictures (C) Newsday

There's also the football playing Barney Rubble which raises a lot of questions.

But my own personal favorite goes to the person who did this to themselves. This alone deserves a medal of honor.

Yeah, that Volek. There's only one word I can really use to describe that tattoo... Stunned.

If you have any sports related body art that you would like to share with the group for future stories, please send pictures/descriptions to

Saturday, August 2, 2008

And Now to Step Away from the Ledge

I leave for two days, TWO DAYS, and this happens???

I don't mean Ryan guesting on the site. He was awesome. +10 to him for Thursday's post.

What I'm talking about is this:

Per EMacAttack at FanHouse:
Readers of one of the more popular spots in the hockey blogosphere -- The PensBlog -- got a rude surprise this morning when they discovered that the most recent update was a screen capture of a warning from Blogger that the blog's account had been frozen due to a possible violation of Blogger's Terms of Service.
Yeah, you're damn right it was a rude awakening. Take away my Pensblog and you take away one of my main reasons to get up in the morning, good sirs. It took Denzel Washington every trick in the book to talk me down off the rooftop in Time Square this morning because I was so upset. And then on my way down a hawk grabbed me and took me to his computer in the sky. Luckily, he showed me that PB had been unlocked and kindly returned me home. Last time that happened I woke up with claw marks all over me.

Anyway. Long story short is that I'm never taking E in Central Park with Sparky the Dragon again.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Hockey Players are mysteriously sexy.

Other Amy McCarthy pictures contained decidedly more nipple

Pictured at left is Amy McCarthy, sister of Jenny McCarthy and wife of mediocre NHLer Dan Hinote. How did this happen? Why does this continue to happen? Elisha Cuthbert, Candace Cameron, Kristi Yamaguchi, Hilary Duff and now Amy McCarthy have been lured into the seductive prowess of mediocre hockey players. How? Why?

Let me introduce to you the Ladder Theory. There's a lot to the ladder theory, and there is a lot to disagree with. We're going to discuss one part that is seemingly proved by this strange wave of guys with no teeth+outrageously hot girls.

Never mind the "money" part. That's a stereotype I'm sure (but would explain why I'm single). Hockey players are that "novelty" category because, well hockey players are a strange breed. First, they are predominantly foreign, be it from Canada, the Czech Republic or South Africa. Secondly, like I said, if you've ever spent any time around a large group of hockey players, you know that they are a completely different society. In school, the hockey players tend to be in their own cliques. In the real world, they are among the only people that wear mullets unironically. Another place like this is the deep south, which explains why Barry Melrose finds himself in Tampa.

I hope this brief theory helps to explain why Sean Bergenheim has a much better shot at Megan Fox than you ever will. That's it for me today and this week. Feel free to stop by the Victoria Times any time for more of me.

What a difference a year makes

This time one year ago, I had just moved into an apartment and was trying to get my cable set up, because, as I'm sure you can realize, not having TV or internet is awful. The cable guy came over, promptly got into an argument with my landlord about getting into the complex's cable room and left. I had waited for two days, and they didn't set up my cable.
I eventually went to IKEA and bought some furniture, came home and tried to call my mother to tell her what I got and what I still needed, but for whatever reason, my call wouldn't go through.
A couple hours later, she got a hold of me, frantically telling me that something terrible had happened.
The next couple of days were awful in Minneapolis. It's hard to relay just what the impact was to people that aren't from here. The 35W bridge was the most traveled bridge in the state of Minnesota, and everyone in the Twin Cities felt the impact. Soon after the bridge had come down, the phone lines had been jammed, explaining my difficulty from earlier. You couldn't get a hold of everyone you expected to, and if you saw a car that looked familiar on the news, it was cause for panic, especially when it reminded you of one of those people you couldn't get a hold of (turns out, there are a lot of gold Mercury Sables, thank God). People in Minneapolis still remember the curiosity, sorrow, and most of all, the panic of a year ago, and as you can tell, is on our minds today.
Here we are now, a year later, and things are much better. I have cable and can watch Cribs on MTV while writing about Dan Hinote (which I will later today, promise) and most importantly, the city of Minneapolis is still recovering.

Sorry for bumming you guys out. This is a hockey blog, not a "reminisce about horrible disasters" blog, but I had to get this out there somewhere. Kevin's never letting me back.