Friday, November 30, 2007

Pascal LeClaire Hurt, Nation of Canada Saved

Jim Mone/AP

Our Canadian readers can breathe a little easier and party a little harder tonight. Canada, you have been saved. For now.

Columbus Blue Jackets goaltender Pascal Leclaire is currently sidelined with a pulled hamstring. There is no evidence of foul play and I'm not about to start naming names, but I think we all know who was behind this. When it came down to it, Leclaire's amazing play between the pipes was more of a threat to the well-being of the NHL than the entire nation of Canada.

Enjoy this, Canada, and don't make any false moves. For now you are safe thanks to the heroics of Leclaire, but be warned -- you are not yet out of the woods.

Mailing It in on a Friday

In about 12 hours I'll be headed to the ACC Championship in Jacksonville, Florida. I'll be offline until Sunday, but you can expect something to be up Sunday afternoonish. I might put something up tonight if there's anything to talk about. We'll see.

In the meantime, you can pass the time with my latest from FanHouse.

Andy Hilbert Needs to Be Kicked Off the Island

Pavel Datsyuk Controls Mortals With His Mind

Other noteworthy posts:

Distance And Dollars (Japers' Rink)

He's Ba-ack 2 (Scotty Hockey)

Eyewitness Account: Oilers Sucking Worse Than Ever (Way Offside)

Thursday, November 29, 2007

The "John Buccigross Approach" to Hockey Writing

Howdy to you too, Mr. Mailman.

There's really nothing better than reader interaction here at BMR. This place is all about having some damned fun, and you guys (and gals) are the main protagonists of said fun. That's what it's all about, no? If this wasn't supposed to be fun, then I guess we would sit around and debate the merits of this year's Hall of Fame class. I don't even know. Is that an example of serious hockey analysis? Not my area of expertise.


A little while ago I was short on ideas (if you haven't already noticed). And thanks to you -- yes, YOU -- we've got a sweet mailbag to sort through today. Apologies for taking so long on this but, well, you know how I am with remembering things.

Oh, and this is no jibe at John Buccigross. I'm actually a huge fan (seriously).

And these are real, live people (seriously).

Let's get to it!


Who's the better fighter, Mike Modano or Joe Sakic?

Also, how would your man-babe Paul Stastny do in a fight against Pierre-Marc Bouchard?


Thanks for the email. That's a tough call. I would go with Modano simply because when he was on the cover of GQ his abs looked like they could destroy nations. You can google image search that to see for yourself. And I mean that in a completely heterosexual way.

The second part is a no-brainer. Paul Stastny would out-fight PMB with his mind.

2 Questions:

1 Sort of Serious:
If you were going to own one team today, who would it be, the Coyotes, the Capitals or Edmonton?

1 Not so Serious:
Name the worst game you have ever attended.


If I could own one team it would be the Islanders for obvious reasons, but I would be losing money hand over fist. Out of the three teams you mentioned, it's interesting cause they're all very different situations. I think the Coyotes have some potential to draw big, as do the Caps, but it's hard to do when they're losing. Meanwhile, I would love the rabid fans in Edmonton, but that's a double edged sword. I would have to go with Edmonton simply b/c of the history, fans (I'm a sucker for those two factors) and comeback of the Canadian dollar.

My family had season tickets for the Islanders from ~1990-2001, so there were A LOT of "worst games" that I've been to. You can use your imagination with that one. I really can't think of anything specific, but watching Todd Bertuzzi become a major draft bust on a team captained by a young Bryan McCabe, all while wearing fisherman uniforms has to be the worst -- and most embarrassing -- thing that I have ever watched by far. There is also anytime I've seen us lose to the Rangers in person. That's always horrific, especially when my Blueshirt-loving friends come along.

When do you think Iron Mike is going to flip out and kill someone, and who is he going to kill?
I was thinking that he would lose it within the first month of the season, but I lost that bet. Right now I give it until the end of December, but I'm really surprised that he held it together during that five game losing streak the Flames had a few weeks ago. The first choice for his victim would certainly be Kristian Huselius given their history, but Mike is sneakier than I give him credit for. He's not dumb enough to take him out. My guess is he goes for Darryl Sutter, blames it all on Kipper and jets the organization for somewhere sunny like Los Angeles or Phoenix. He could probably con the Coyotes into letting him replace Gretzky when 99 is let go (and I do mean to say when).

Here's a question that's been knocking around in my head for a while: If Quebec separates from Canada, can they still be called the Montreal Canadiens?
I would venture yes since they are the CanadiEns (French version) and not the CanadiAns (English.), Plus, I think that they would want the Nordiques back Tout de suite and they wouldn't even think about the Habs.
-Loser Domi
P.S.: You're momma is so stupid, she spent all day saying "Am not" to R2! (not original, but still good)

Heh, I'm not too sure about that one! The Canadiens are pretty much French as it is, so I doubt it would change. Maybe they would pull what MLB's Angels did, when they re-named themselves to the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. The Montreal Candiens of Quebec Who Really, Really Don't Like Canada? That might be a little long.

Lol and that's a good one that I haven't heard at all before... Am I even allowed to start a sentence with lol?


Thanks to everyone who took the time to write in. If you have a question that is begging to be asked, a joke, awkward photos of Gary Bettman, tasty recipies, or anything else, the addy is melroserocks[at]gmail(dot)com.

Things to Read on Thursday Morn'

Shameless self promotion:

Dining Out With Doc and Chico (FanHouse)

What the Maple Leafs Need Is a Time Machine (FanHouse)

Damn good posts:

That's right the Islanders BEAT the Senators last night. The FIRST PLACE Ottawa Senators. The Islanders got two points for BEATING the Senators. Rick DiPietro had an amazing performance to help the New York DEFEAT Ottawa. But don't worry Sens Nation, it's just a little airborne. It's still good! (Scarlett Ice)

The Pens Blog never ceases to amaze. Geocities, Angelfire and Tripod....Oh My. Read the whole thing. You won't be disappointed.

Conflicting reports about the Bettman XM radio show. We can neither confirm nor deny these reports. (Jes Golbez, FanHouse)

Tuomo Ruttu is a robber not. (Going Five Hole)

The Flyers really want their players in the All-Star game. (NHL Digest)

Continue piling on the TML. The Globe and Mail says that the sky is falling. Global warming is still a fallacy, pending further review.

Sean Avery is limp-wristed. But in a total heterosexual way. Seriously. (Way Offside)

I know that's a lot of reading, but I think you can handle it. And hey, there's a lot going on in hockey right now. It's pretty awesome, don't you think? Think back for a second to August and remember how much that sucked. Case and point. Isn't this beautiful?

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Sorry, but Toronto is Way Too Entertaining Right Now

As you know, I'm not a Canadian so I've never had to live with them, but I've always had a sneaking suspicion that fans of the Toronto Maple Leafs were basically Canada's version of New York Yankee fans. They are from a big city that has a large media contingent and thanks to the team's storied history, they can basically win any argument when it comes to reputation. Essentially they are the Yankees, with about half the championship titles.

Now I know, I know. If you have been following my ramblings over at the FanHouse, you know that I have been writing an awful lot lately about the TML, poking fun at the whole John Ferguson situation and then piling on. I said I was going to quit picking on them cold turkey, too.

And then this video fell into my lap.

I'm sorry. I couldn't resist. It's just so damn easy.

I know, the Sens have won all of zero Stanley Cups in the modern era. I know, they really don't have anything on the Leafs lately save for a Conference title and a couple of division titles. It's just that when your team hasn't done anything since 1967 and hasn't even been to the playoffs the last few years, thus not even having the chance to choke, you can't really do all that much talking of the proverbial smack. Then, when you throw in the diss about how the Stanley Cup will never go to Ottawa... Well, is it ever going to come back to Toronto?

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Philadelphia Flyers vs. the NHL: the Battle is on!

AP Photo/Tom Mihalek

Today marks the fourth time that a Philadelphia Flyers player was suspended this season. Scott Hartnell will be held off the ice for two games following his hit last night on Boston's Andrew Alberts. I'm not going to sit here and debate the length of the suspension, since I believe it's basically a moot point that two games is horribly short. What needs to be shown though, is the proof that we have a new incarnation of the Broad Street Bullies.

Here is the score as of today:

Philadelphia: 49

Rest of the NHL: 23 (and that's counting Mark Bell)

Is that something to be proud of in Philly? The Flyers are almost making it their job to get suspended.

You can credit ingenious commenter Nick for the idea.

Create Your Own Maple Leafs Coaching Rumor!

Today at the FanHouse: Create Your Own Maple Leafs Coaching Rumor!

Check back here later today for more updates...

Hitting a Man When He's Down

Looks like the Flyers are trying to extend their lead in the Suspension Standings. In response to Hartnell's statements, all I have to say is, my ass you were finishing a check. And how are the Bruins not going ballistic, seeing another one of their teammates knocked out by the Flyers?

h/t Mirtle (and there's already a heated discussion)

Monday, November 26, 2007

Creative Ways to Settle Flyres/Bruins Dispute

Today at the FanHouse: Bruins and Flyers to Square Off for the First Time Since Bergeron Incident

Other things to glance at:

Chaos in Leaf Land: Real or Imagined? (FanHouse - Jes Golbez)

The Worst NHL Arenas (On Frozen Blog)

and I know it's football but it's still funny...


Some Guy's Marriage is Your Gain

(C) Ebay: atts_11

I'm sure you've heard the story before... Guy meets girl. Guy proposes to girl. Guy and girl get married, move in together. Girl makes guy throw away his collection of hockey jerseys. It's really an age old tale, especially in the northernmost parts of Canada.

On Ebay you can find another example of such a story, thanks to some guy whose name appears to be Carl. It's a Minnesota Wild jersey, which is said to be brand new. The bidding ended on Saturday at $65.44, so I'm obviously a little late here, but that's not the issue. The real story lies in the description so humbly provided to us;

"Things used to be so good in Carltown, when I lived by myself and had my jerseys hanging wall to wall. Then I got a girlfriend. We moved in together. Things were not so good in Carltown anymore. We got a new place together called Cathyville. The jerseys are not allowed on the walls anymore. The jerseys are not allowed in the closets anymore. We are no longer to speak of Carltown."

While we mourn the loss of Carltown, take a gander at another linguistic gem in the shipping details.

"USA Shipping will be $16, Rest of the World contact me."

That's an awful lot of emails, Carl. Are you sure you really want all of us to contact you?

h/t DeadSpin

Sunday, November 25, 2007

A Handy Guide for Beginners: Tips for Gary Bettman's XM Radio Show

First post is up over at the FanHouse: A Handy Guide for Beginners: Tips for Gary Bettman's XM Radio Show. Hopefully it appeases my new corporate overlords.

Edit: And while I'm at it, here's some other links you should look at.

Three Teams Who Need A Miracle (Way Offside)

Penguins March: Senators Gameday 07/11/22 (Scarlett Ice)

"It's a Great Day for Hockey!" (Going Five Hole)

Mario Lemieux Facts (The Pens Blog)

As Usual, Mike Keenan is Playing With Fire

Mike Keenan is one crazy, crazy man. But he's also clearly passionate about what he does, so that's worth something. Nonetheless, he's interesting. I'll say that much. When I said he could go postal on Kristian Huselius at any moment, I wasn't kidding. We all know the two had a rocky relationship in Florida, but now that they've been re-united in Calgary, it looks as if Keenan has taken a different avenue of prodding Huselius; the silent treatment.

You see, the word out of Calgary is that Keenan has been seriously toying with the idea of putting defenseman Dion Phanuef (a very, very good young D-man by the way), on the wing. To paraphrase the good folks over at the Calgary Herald, that's a huge slap in the face to Flames wingers Alex Tanguay and, you guessed it, Kristian Huselius. It's good to see that Keenan is only trying to subtly undercut Huselius this time around. I guess it's more of an olive branch than I expected. Nonetheless, this cannot possibly make Huselius happy. Observe:

It was one thing when Mike Keenan chucked ace defenceman Dion Phaneuf up front for a couple of power plays during Thursday's game against Chicago.

But it's something else for Keenan to be considering — or at least threatening — to give Phaneuf a regular shift as a winger... Phaneuf certainly has the tools to be an effective forward, but the gesture is also a damning reflection on the recent play of left-wingers Alex Tanguay and Kristian Huselius.

Stay tuned. This could get really entertaining.

Speaking of entertaining, here's a YouTube of Keenan behind the Flames bench. Credit to Way Offside for giving us the pleasure of viewing it.

h/ts: Battle of Alberta, Way Offside

When Our Powers Combine, We Form Barry Merica Online!

Well, I've got some pretty cool news today. Thanks to Eric McErlain and all the fine people over at the FanHouse, I'll be moonlighting over there in the coming weeks. Freaking sweet! I'm glad to be aboard, and amazed that they actually hired a guy who, you know, has a creepy man-crush on Paul Stastny (among other things). But really, it's an honor to be alongside some ridiculously talented writers and minds.

I'm going to be the same person over there as here, as Eric insistently tells me to just "do what I do best". Sadly, "being tall" doesn't really help with writing blog posts. Oh well. If we're talking specifics, the only changes will basically be that JR isn't going to find his way over there, since that's called "legal trouble." Otherwise it will be the usual bat shit crazy, sarcastic, Islander loving me... with a different background.

As for how this is going to affect things around these parts, well, they're not going to change all that much. I should be able to balance both BMR and my duties at the FanHouse. It should be business as normal here, with the occasional hyper links to whatever I wrote over there. As you may have noticed, the Daily Sniper is retired, but that wasn't so good anyway and may see a return around playoff time. Thanks to that, I've had a lot more time on my hands (those darned things took forrreverrrr). So yeah, that's the long way of saying that the plan for BMR is business as usual.

Oh yeah and AOL is the best company ever if you think my attitude is going to change or something simply because I've gone corporate, well, you're wrong. Time Warner rocks my socks This isn't going to affect me one bit. I'm still going to use sentence fragments, be incoherent at times, and write about the Islanders way too much. OMGZ i heart AOL Yup. No changes here.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Now That's What You Call Close

Whew. Yeah... sooooo. How about those Western Conference standings? Talk about tight.


Pascal, Take Cover Buddy

Leclaire earned his 6th shutout of the year last night. Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous.
Jim Mone/AP

Oh, boy. Now you've done it Pascal. Now you've messed up real bad. If you thought that Gary Bettman had it out for you before, well, jeez. You're as good as dead now. You just had to go and make things hard for yourself, didn't you? A few wins and shutouts to begin the season weren't enough. You had to go and get greedy.

Setting a team record for shutouts in a single season by Thanksgiving weekend? You've got to be kidding me. That's the single dumbest thing that you could have done, kid. Sure, you'll get the girls and the money will be rolling in as soon as you sign your next juicy contract, but is it worth it? Pascal, you and I both know that Gary and his goons will be at your doorstep by the end of the week. They won't come immediately. You know, to make you squirm for a while. Then when you've relaxed a bit... BAM! There's a noose hanging from your front door, your car implodes and they've got the place surrounded.

Pascal, I know you did a really selfless thing by trying to save the entire country of Canada from Gary's wrath, but we both know that they're going to get whacked eventually. If not by Bush Jr. then by Gary himself. It's only a matter of time. I know, it's your homeland. That's not the point. You're young and you've got your whole life ahead of you. Please. Just reconsider what you're before it's too late. That's all I'm asking.

Friday, November 23, 2007

The Coach Incompetence Advisory System: Post-Hanlon Edition

Awhile back I unveiled the Coach Incompetence Advisory System, as a public service to all the folks out there in our great nation. Now, more than ever, we must be vigilant and aware of what is going on in the world around us. We cannot walk around waiting for the next NHL coach to get the axe. We must take action! Our national security depends on it! We must be vigilant and stand up for our right to have inconsequential water cooler talk during coach firing season! To terrify inform you, I have devised a color-coded system which will help guide you in this time of need. The detailed breakdown of each threat level can be seen here.

Anyway. On to the water cooler talk.

Before the season, I took a look at the coaches who were on the hot seat to begin with. All of those guys still have their jobs, while other folks have lost their jobs since then. Atlanta and Washington have both made coaching changes, in part because of poor starts, by getting rid of Bob Hartley and Glen Hanlon respectively. Being that we're a few months into this darned thing called the regular season, it's probably about time we took another look at whom will be getting hit by the proverbial axe and whom is safe for the time being.

Paul Maurice, Toronto Maple Leafs

WARNING: Threat level upgraded to Lamoriello

Maurice started the season at "Lewis" thanks to missing out on the playoffs last season. In the first two months this year, things have gone much worse than expected in Toronto, forcing me to upgrade the situation to the highest threat level, "Lamoriello." The Maple Leafs are 3-5-2 in their last 10 games and find themselves 10th in the Eastern Conference standings. To add to that, they've surrendered the most goals in the entire NHL. Maurice bought himself some time by beating the rival Ottawa Senators 3-0 on Saturday night, but things aren't looking good. Their upcoming schedule provides the team a break, as all but one of their next six games are against teams ranked 8th or lower in their conference. If the Leafs stumble through this stretch, I wouldn't be surprised to see management cut Maurice loose in the hopes that a fresh face can salvage the season.

Brent Sutter, New Jersey Devils

WARNING: Threat level upgraded to Keenan

My gut tells me that Sutter is going to get a fair shake in New Jersey. He seems like a smart enough guy so that he wouldn't come all the way across the continent for anything less. On the other hand, my brain tells me that I can't ignore the facts. (1) The Devils are horrid and currently share 12 place in the East and the Atlantic Division basement with the Penguins. (2) They're a meager 3-4-0 at home and, oh yeah, (3) Lou Lamoriello is still in charge. RIght now I imagine that Lou's trigger finger would itch less if he took a bath in itching powder.

Wayne Gretzky, Phoenix Coyotes

WARNING: Threat level upgraded to Keenan

At some point, someone is going to have to take the fall for the failure that is the Phoenix Coyotes. Once again the Coyotes find themselves in the early hunt for a lottery pick, holding up the 13th spot in the West. It's hard to think they would fire The Great One, but there's no bones about the fact that he hasn't gotten results. In his defense, he hasn't been given much to work with either.

Craig McTavish, Edmonton Oilers

Threat level: Milbury

McTavish is in his eighth year as Oilers head coach and the second year of a four year contract. Despite the Oilers' abysmal play, I don't think his job is in serious jeopardy unless something comes down from the top of the organization. McTavish still has two years left on his contract, and with GM Kevin Lowe getting a contract extension in the off-season, Lowe isn't likely to pull the trigger himself. This isn't a team that's vastly underachieving, either. They were supposed to be bad this year. For now, McTavish's job is safe.

Michel Therrien, Pittsburgh Penguins

Threat level: Lamoriello

Therrien is in his third season behind the bench in Pittsbugh (second full season), and the Penguins are, unlike the Oilers, vastly underachieving. Last year, this team finished 5th in the East and three points away from a division title. Right now, they share the Atlantic's basement with New Jersey and are 12th in the conference. They had a big win tonight against the Ottawa Senators in a shootout, but had been 2-8-1 during the previous ten games. All this is coming with a roster that is virtually identical to last season's roster. What's the worst part about all this for Therrien? The Penguins have a long history of having a short leash with coaches, and Therrien is at about the same point that his predecessors Ed Olczyk and Rick Kehoe were let go. This may happen in a matter of weeks, but if the Pens continue to slide, it will only be a matter of days.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

A Time for Giving Thanks -- with a Dash of Revenge

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone out there! I hope it's a good one, and that you all enjoy your food comas today.

There are still NHL games tonight, four as a matter of fact. Nothing is on nationally as far as I know, but you can watch the Pens and Sens on Yahoo! Sports if you're outside those teams local areas.

One of the lousiest things that I can imagine would be getting a call Thanksgiving morning telling you that you've been fired. That's actually what the Washington Pricks Capitals did today, by firing their coach Glen Hanlon (more on that tomorrow). So while you are enjoying your Thanksgiving feast, remember that somewhere out there Glen Hanlon is plotting his revenge. If you hear reports tomorrow of a crazy white guy throwing turkeys at the MCI Center, you'll know what's going on.

He's still working on his "angry face".

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Tukka Rask Fights Caveism, Earns First NHL Win

Rask earned his first NHL win last night against the team who drafted him.
Dave Sandford/Getty Images

First it was GEICO Commercials, and then it was their very own television show. If things keep going the way they are, soon Cavemen will be running for president.

Tukka Rask, a goaltender for the Boston Bruins, took another brave step in the race for Caveman (and Cavewoman) equality. Rask, whose Cavelandic name can be traced back to the earliest settlers of the Americas, became the first Caveperson to play in an NHL game last night. It is also believed to be the first time a Caveperson has competed in professional sports (unless you count John Kruk). In his debut, Rask stopped 30 shots en route to his first NHL win, although it should be noted that Maple Leaf shots are easier to stop than the average shot.

Things have not always been so easy for Rask. In June 2006, the Maple Leafs traded Rask to Boston for Andrew Raycroft. Many analysts believe that the Leafs were in search of a goaltender who could step in and take the starting role immediately, but accusations of Caveism directed at Rask were abound.

"It was during the biggest midsummer party in Cavelandia," Rask said in a recent interview. "It was 2 a.m. and [Leafs GM John Ferguson] was drunk off his ass, so you can imagine how I felt when he called me. Next day after I had sobered up, I knew what had really happened. It was blatant Caveism. They traded me because of my heritage."

Rask and other Cavepersons like him have had dozens of experiences that mirror Rask's time with the Maple Leafs. Although political correctness, the 1988 Human-Caveperson Accords and many other factors have contributed to a great reduction in Caveism during recent times, Caveism still exists in many parts of the world.

Caveism wasn't the only issue that Rask faced upon entering the NHL. Ever since the Leafs selected Rask 21st overall in the 2005 NHL Draft, he was expected to live up to enormous expectations on the ice from Leaf fans while also carrying the hopes and dreams of his ilk off the ice. When he was taken with the 21st pick, Rask became the highest drafted Caveperson ever. Previously, no Caveperson had ever been taken in the first four rounds of the draft.

In Massachusetts, a state where marriage between Cavepersons and Humans is recognized by state law, Rask has been given the opportunity to flourish on the ice while not having to worry about what people think of him off the ice. When asked about Rask, Bruins GM Peter Chiarelli had nothing but good things to say.

"It doesn't matter who or what he is, Tukka is a hell of a player," Chiarelli said. "Caveperson, human, whatever. It doesn't matter who you are, all that matters is whether or not you can play hockey. If a monkey could captain a power play, it would be given a fair chance. That gives me an idea..."

It's safe to say that you can mark this down as a small step in the NHL career of Tukka Rask, and a giant leap for Cavepersons everywhere.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Roenick Talks Beer, Appears Way More Depressed Than Leslie Nielsen

Thanks to Greg Wyshenski of the FanHouse for making a note of it, but our favorite NHL ego (at least mine, anyway) was on the cover of Draft Magazine this month. Jeremy Roenick also sat down with Draft in an interview that is certainly worth reading. Heck, anything that he says is worth listening to, even if only for the entertainment value.

The following is a cut from the interview, more of which can be found over at the FanHouse or in Draft Mag itself. Apparently the whole enchilada is not available online, though.
It occurred to me, watching the clips on YouTube of you dancing that you might have a 'Dancing with the Stars' in you down the line.
I've had so many people say that I should go on there. I'm going to save my dancing steps until after I win the Cup.

I'm assuming then that if you do get ahold of the Cup, are we looking at you drinking Bud Light out of it?
You might have to get me out of AA at the end of the summer if I win the Cup.
If nothing else, you have got to respect the guy for being brutally honest all the damned time. It's going to be a shame when Roenick finally decides to hang up the skates because the NHL is never going to be the same once he retires for good. There is no one else in the league who is as interesting and has as colorful a personality as Roenick has in his big toe. For example, Roenick makes Sean Avery look like an attention starved fourth grader.

What caught my eye about the whole Draft feature was that Roenick appears to be a depressed drunk, unlike Leslie Nielsen. Observe:

Leslie Nielsen (Funny Guy)

Rusty Wallace (NASCAR Driver Guy)

Jeremy Roenick (Depressed Guy at the end of the bar who has had too many and finally has come to realize that he's past his prime all the while muttering incoherently about the girl who dumped him in high school.)

First there is the 'AA' comment and then, well, just take a look at Roenick's cover shot. Is there something you need to tell us about, Jeremy? Dude, if you need any help I'm here for you buddy. Seriously.

Epic. Simply Epic.

I know it's all in a days work for the guys over at the Pens Blog, but they're the most consistently hilarious blog I've ever seen.

For example:

18 points

What else can even be said.
The Pens are at the point where they can climb back up the mountain. Or the wheels can fall off and everyone will die along the Oregon Trail like they almost did last year.
Ryan Whitney was sold for cattle

ROFL LMAO OMGZ LOLZ and all that stuff. I think I triple starred this morning's post in Google Reader while quadruple peeing my pants with laughter.

Keep up the great work boys. Even if the Pens aren't.

Monday, November 19, 2007

2007-08 BMR Bad Boys Standings

Throughout the 2007-08 season I'll be using the handy dandy standings that you see to your right to keep tabs on the total number of games NHL players have been suspended for each team. At the end of the year, the team with the most suspensions will be crowned the victors and receive the BMR Bad Boys Award.

After receiving a four-game suspension yesterday for his slash on Mikko Koivu, Mattias Ohlund has put the Vancouver Cauncks on the board. As you can see, the Philadelphia Flyers are still far ahead in the lead, but with a little work they can be caught.

Only suspensions earned during the 2007-08 season or pre-season are eligible. Therefore, guys like Chris Simon and Rick Tocchet don't count since they earned their suspensions in previous years.

Let's recap the action so far... The Flyers earned an amazing 47 games thanks to the actions of Steve Downie, Jessie Boulerice and Randy Jones. Mark Bell earned 15 games for Toronto thanks to his off-season actions. Today, Mattias Ohlund got four games for Vancouver and Tom Kostopoulos got one game for Montreal. Teppo Numminen was suspended by the Buffalo Sabres but there has yet to be any official word from the NHL to the best of my knowledge, so Buffalo gets three games until further notice.

You Knew it Would Come to this Eventually

So I'm going to try the "John Buccigross approach" to this writing about hockey thing and try a mailbag. You know how this goes. You ask me something. I answer as best I can. It's a nice give and take. Hopefully we all get to have some fun.

Ask me anything. Seriously. It doesn't even have to be a question. It can be a statement or a really long run-on sentence. Or we could play the question game. You know, we each keep asking the other questions until someone gives up or has a brain cramp. Or maybe share your best "your mom" joke. Let the creativity flow.

We'll see how this goes. I imagine it might end up somewhere between a complete train wreck and utter chaos. Hopefully the earth will survive.

melroserocks[-at-]gmail[d0t]com is the addy. Minus all the weird brackets and things. Damned spam bots.

One rule; no song lyrics. Sorry, John. It's not you, it's me. If you have any questions about music, please direct them to the Phoenix Coyotes.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

10 Reasons to Watch Hockey Instead of that Other Sport on Sunday

Bob Costas is a creepy little man.

If you live in North America, or at least the United States, you know that Sundays are all about the pigskin, Brett Favre and hating the New England Patriots. Sometimes it seems as if it is a law that everyone must sit down and watch as much football as they can because, hey, it's only on national television two days a week. That said, you're reading this blog because you realize there is something more to Sundays; there are still hockey games to be played. Just in case you needed to be reminded that hockey is indeed the superior of the two sports, or because you need some motivation to follow through on your plan of watching hockey today, here it is -- 10 reasons why you should be watching hockey instead of football on Sunday.

10. Because you want to non-conform. The Man wants you to watch football on Sunday, but you don't give into The Man. Not now. Not ever. You don't care about what all the cool kids are doing, and believe that society doesn't know what's best for you. "They don't own me, dude," you'll say. No, they don't. Dude. You're going to watch the Flames and Canucks tonight just to prove it to everyone. That will show them. Screw The Man.

9. What's football? If you're living north of the border there's a good chance that you don't understand how every American has a ridiculous infatuation with tackle football, and don't care to find out about it. There are CFL games today anyway, and American football is measured in yards. You don't know how much a yard is and don't care. Dumb Americans, always using weird weight and measurement systems.

8. Your football team blows. Let's be honest. There are, in fact, a few people out there who follow both sports. While you may watch football, there's an awfully good chance that your team is already eliminated from playoff contention. That's all the more reason to watch some hockey! In hockey, the games will probably matter. (Except for football fans in Indianapolis, Boston, Dallas and Green Bay. You're excused from hockey today.)

7. NBC is the most God-awful television network, ever. NBC has been butchering sports for years, and their football telecasts are no exception. It's usually wise to steer clear of anything they do, unless you happen to like Heroes or Scrubs.

6. You have a ridiculous man crush on Henrik Zetterberg because he has been carrying your fantasy team all season. Zetterberg is a great player, and has been among the tops in the league for a few years now, but this season is looking to be his coming out party. Going into tonight's game against Columbus, Zetterberg was third in the NHL in both points and goals. It would be hard to believe that this guy has not carried anyone's fantasy team so far. Well, the one exception would be if you're in a fantasy fighting league. In that case, your team would certainly be in last since Zetterberg hasn't fought all season.

5. The Sunday Night Football game will be over in the first ten minutes. There is a distinct possibility that tonight's nationally televised game between the New England Patriots and Buffalo Bills will be over before you can even figure out what channel it's on. The Patriots are as big of an offensive juggernaut as the NFL has ever seen, and the Bills frankly don't stand a chance (they are from Buffalo, you see). At the beginning of the week Vegas was favoring New England by 14.5 points, but now the spread has moved to 16. What that means is a lot of people bet that the Patriots would win by more than 14.5. My point exactly.

4. You've been in a coma since 1992. Let's face it, in the 1980s and early 1990s hockey was pretty popular and the NFL was not nearly the unbelievable force that it is today. If you recently awoke from a long, long coma, you should continue believing that hockey is one of the biggest and fastest growing sports in North America. It's a nice dream to wake up to, right?

3. Bob Costas makes you feel funny. You could potentially be allergic to him and might not know it, or maybe it's just the sound of his voice that makes you cringe. Either way, you don't like Bob Costas and aren't about to sit down and watch any television program that he has anything to do with. (Note: You are also allowed to swap the name "Bob Costas" for "Peter King" or "Chris Collinsworth".)

2. Mike Keenan may kill a man with a trident. The Flames are playing tonight and that only makes one question come to mind; is this going to be the night that Mike Keenan goes postal on Kristian Huselius?

1. Paul Stastny is playing the Minnesota Wild tonight. For those of you regular readers out there, I really don't need to say any more. There is a battle for control of universe going on, and that is what I call must see TV. Since when has a football game had that much of an implication into galactic politics? That's right. Never.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Marty Brodeur and the Quest for 500 Wins

Yet again last night, net minder Martin Brodeur was denied in his quest to obtain his 500th career win between the pipes. The New York Islanders not only kept Broduer from achieving this historic goal, but they also gave the AP writers another easy lead in to their game recap.

The Devils have now lost two in a row and three of four, as Brodeur still sits at 499 career wins. Tonight the team heads to Philadelphia in search of the illusive win, and many inside the organization are beginning to question it's very existence. Will our heroes ever find Brodeur's 500th win? Will the AP ever get a more creative headline for their recap? Does anyone really care? (Maybe, no and no.)

Answers to all these questions and more tonight in Philadelphia. Stay tuned.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Did You Know That Sometimes Kids Do Dumb Things?

Hey, let's all go and make a big ado about nothing!
Jason Cohn/REUTERS

Whew, man. I'm glad people brought this whole Jiri Tlusty thing to my attention. I had no freaking idea that sometimes kids go wild and do dumb things. Good Lord. Society really needs to get a hold of itself.

This is one of those times that makes me sick to my stomach and ashamed to not only be a part of the "media" (albeit a tiny part) but to be a human, in general. Every time a public persona slips up, someone is there to dig up the juicy pieces. And by juicy I mean "things that are meaningless, but people use to deride others and prop themselves up with."

Yes, although many people are unaware, celebrities and athletes are human. They go out. They have a few too many drinks. They do some dumb things. They act like they're 16. I've never been a person obsessed with celebrity or any body's personal life. Would I be in awe if I met Wayne Gretzky? Sure. Absolutely. Would I want to know what goes on behind closed doors? Unless he's killing people or something, no. Not at all. Personally8iuii, I believe that whatever someone does behind closed doors or after hours is their business, and theirs alone.

Every time a Senator does something in a men's bathroom, Paris Hilton goes to jail or a public persona has unsavory pictures "leaked", it really amazes me how much of a fuss is made about it. They're just like us, and I can't understand how society: a) still does not realize this and b) is completely and endlessly enthralled by it. Imagine if we paid this much attention to things like curing cancer or achieving peace in the Middle East. We would be rid of those issues in about a week. In a month, we would have found extraterrestrial life and be living on Pluto.

Now, I'm not going to act like I'm above posting random crazy pictures of people or anything like that. I've posted pictures of Jeremy Roenick flipping the bird and the like (and I'll even hyperlink to it). There's one difference; I'm not doing it to laugh at Roenick, make a scene, or benefit from another's' private life, which is what happened to Tlusty. I'm doing it to laugh along with Roenick. I've never met the guy, but photos like that show me that he's probably not an ass and is likely down to earth. What's more, he's obviously a cool enough guy to take some time out for fans and have a good time in doing so. I'm not trying to embarrass or slander the guy. Not even close.

The funny thing about all this is that if you were to go on any young adults' Facebook or MySpace, you will almost always find tons of pictures that resemble the ones that have been floating around of Jiri Tlusty (or ones that or worse). If there were social networking websites and camera phones 40 years ago, imagine how many ridiculous pictures of today's adults would be floating around. Yes, believe it or not we were all at one time or another Tlusty's age. While we all may not have done the things he did, chances are we know someone who did.

No matter what, we all need to take a deep breath and lighten up.

A Look at Early Season Home Ice Advantage

Maybe it's only my headache talking, but it seems like some teams have been playing Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde through the first part of the season. What I'm talking about are some of the ridiculous home records that some teams have, while it seems as if no one, save for the Ottawa Senators, can seem to get anything together on the road.

Back in the day, the Islanders would call the Coliseum "Fort Neverlose," and you can probably figure out why. This year, some teams are turning their own barns into forts that are impenetrable, even to JR and his aura of manliness. The prime example of this would be the Tampa Bay Lightning. Tampa is 7-1-1 on home ice at the St. Pete Times Forum, but also hold a horrific 2-7 record on the road.

Meanwhile, some teams are doing just the opposite, such as the San Jose Sharks. The Sharks are 3-4 at home, while holding a 7-3-2 record on the road. That's just wacky.

The following are the best and worst home teams, as ranked by the number of home points they have accumulated thus far. Their position in the conference standings is in next to their name and last night's games were not included.

Let the water cooler talk ensue...

...and the worst at home.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

One, Last, Good Cry Before Messier Rides Off Into the Sunset

Mark Messier is the NHL's very own exploding dam. He's got a lot of water in him and could burst at any given moment. As I'm sure you know, Mess was inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame on Monday night, the perfect opportunity to let the waterworks go one more time. As promised, the video from Mess's induction speech:

Aw, who am I kidding? I'll miss you Mess. The NHL will be a drier place without you. That is, if they also get rid of the waterlogged Reebok jerseys.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Impressive Linguistic Talents - November 13

It's time for another one of these already? It sure seems like weeks go by in minutes these days. Before we know it, the Cup Finals will be here. I mean seriously. It's almost Thanksgiving!* Jeez.

*-In America, that is.

The Critically Un-Acclaimed Golden Mullet

loser domi on A Young Patrick Roy in the Making

I'd say he's more the next Theodore, but there's a distinct lack of blonde skanks, hair growth formula and herpes in the video to say for sure.

Sloppy Seconds

mr. plank on Epic Battle Update: Let's Try and Have a Winner this Time, OK?

Am I the only one who finds it troubling that the fate of the universe will only be seen in MN and CO? Thanks Mr. Bettman- I'll be eating Carl's Jr. in my underwear while the universe explodes.

Oh and here's a question- if Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer, can Ryan Smyth's save the universe?

The "Name Your Own Award" Award

pokecheck on Oh God, We're Going to Have to Listen to Mark Messier Speak (and Probably Cry, Too)

I just realized [Messier's] "leadership" award from last season has already disappeared.

Thanks for the extra effort this week team, and pokecheck, I would be careful if I were you now that you've started to unearth a possible conspiracy. Watch out for the guys in black suits with names like "A" and "K"!

Epic Battle Update: All Your Universe are Belong to Paul Stastny

It's official -- Paul Stastny has won control of the universe.
AP Photo/David Zalubowski

I am the one you call "Stastny". I am son of Peter, and owner of what you refer to as the "Western Conference". I am all that is man.

Two nights prior to this, I easily dispensed a plethora of pain upon the Minnesota Wild, whom you hold in such high regard. They are only little children in my presence and no match for the mighty Paul Stastny. All your National Hockey Leagues now belong to me.

With slap shots fired so hard and without mercy, I unleashed a torrent of pain so ruthless that would make even Lucifer himself proud. After sixty Earth minutes of relentless pain and humiliation, the Wild, or so you call them, were tamed and sent home in ways that only I can even possibly understand. Describing my epic performance as "two goals and an assist" do not give the human mind any comprehension of the destruction that I bestowed upon the ice hockey skaters from the Land of a Thousand Lakes. What occurred Sunday night is simply a feat too unbelievable for any human to comprehend.

From henceforth let it be known that all of Earth will bow to the mighty Stastny. A new day is upon you earthlings, and your destruction will be swift and merciless. Not even Battlestar Galactica can save you now!

Monday, November 12, 2007

Napoleon Complex on Ice

Is it me or does Ryan Getzlaf look drunk?
Jim McIsaac/Getty Image

Saturday night the Rangers and Leafs squared off in the Hall of Fame Game, a game which was marred by a few players lacking the class and sportsmanship that the Hall of Fame embodies. The game itself ended in the most exciting fashion possible -- a shootout -- but 'bad boys' Sean Avery and Darcy Tucker decided to create their own sideshow.

During warm ups, the two didn't fight but did the whole "I'm gonna shove you and talk a whole lot but in the end not hit you anyway" thing. Basically, there was a whole lot of shoving and talking, and not a whole lot of fisticuffs. Somehow I imagine it quickly degenerated into a competition of manliness. Topics such as, who has more hair on their chest, who has the bigger mhmm and other such things. Chances are, it was the most intelligent conversation since President Bush's last speech. Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week.

The fight that the two had during the game wouldn't have cause me such a stir, and heck I probably wouldn't of even addressed it, if it weren't for the warm up shenanigans. While it all really wasn't too big of a deal, the event simply typifies the nonsense and lack of class that I have come to expect from these two. While I understand the role that they play on their team in getting their teammates fired up and whatnot, they could at least stand to show some class -- especially at the Hall of Fame Game of all places. A hard hit, or fight are prime examples of how to go about things. Not, you know, playing petty patty cake and arguing about who has the bigger cojones during the pre-game skate.

[end rant]

Update: And Wade Belak of the Leafs has some choice words for Avery:

"[Avery's] pissing guys off," Belak told The Sun. "He'll bring harm to himself and not too many guys around the league are going to be sad to see it. If he keeps this up, someone is going to kill him. One day he's going to say something the wrong way and he'll be clubbed.

"And I'm not saying it will be by me, either."