It's time once again to power rank things that really have no bearing on anything important. Today's topic: Selfishly Indecisive Old Coots in Sports! (You know you love them.)
So you know who they are and how incredibly indecisive they can be. If they play for your favorite team, they probably piss you off a lot. You're all like "damn you old guys, retire already!" Then they're all like "get off my lawn you damn drunk hippie kids!" Both of you really do not get along all that well.
But here we are anyway. They need us for the attention and ego fulfillment while we need them because, let's face it, they can still play. And who wouldn't want them to help our team win a title. But who tops the list as the cootiest coot of them all? Read on, dear reader for the answer to that question and more.
7. Joe Sakic
Sakic is first up on our list, mainly because his holdout was anti-climactic and is already over. He took most of the summer to decide whether or not he should return, and hell, he might have made a fuss of it. Or 'Pulled a Brett Favre' as the kids say. Joe, that's not very old coot-like of you. A real coot would have milked it for all it's worth, retiring intermittently throughout the season between naps.
6. Brendan Shanahan
Shanny is still out somewhere cooting it up right now. But he's not making enough fuss about it all to get ranked higher up on the list. Plus, this is only his first go around as a selifsh old coot. A few more summers of the Will He?/Won't He? game and Shanny will skyrocket up the list.
5. Writers Guild of America
While this may be going back a couple of months and has nothing to do with sports, we still have to acknowledge an epic holdout when one occurs. For 3 1/2 months people who write for a living went on strike. Sure they're not athletes so their lives don't really matter, but hey, I'm OK with writers. They're an interesting bunch, sure. But their use of language is to be admired. Even if they don't know the difference between a poke check and a hip check. Ha! They're so feeble minded.
4. Scott Niedermayer/Teemu Selanne
Last season's most famous old coots, the law firm of Selanne and Niedermayer, sure took thier sweet time sucking in the glory of a Stanley Cup victory. They were so cooty, Scott took it so far as to keep the party going halfway through the next season. Eventually the smug that was clouding his mind reminded him that he needed to come back and defend his title. Defend it successfully the pair did not but the legacy of their indecisivness continues on. For that, we must salute them with the fourth slot.
3. Mats Sundin
This is the old coot that everyone loves to hate. While everyone says that Sundin's hold out is somehow irrelevant and unimportant, no one seems to be able to keep themselves from writing about it. And thus, the circle jerk of selfishly indecisive old coots is perpetuated and allowed to continue on. The coots whine like college seniors about how they don't know what to do with their precious little lives while the news media eats it up. Except, I guess, in this case where the media actually does eat it up.
2. Brett Favre
How could I possibly write about selifsh old coots smugging it up without mentioning Mr. Green Bay, uh, I mean... without mentioning Mr. New York Himself, Brett Favre!? For years now, as almost a ritual of summer, Favre has been playing the Will He?/Won't He? game like it was a swiss cheese NFL secondary. He has had ESPN wrapped around his little finger all the while trying to cement his legacy, inflate his ego and who knows what other odd little motives. And Brett, if you're going for the old coot look, that beard is certainly doing it for you. Nice job, sir. Well played.
1. Peter Forsberg
How could this top spot not go to a hockey player? That would be like Deadspin taking hockey seriously or Kissing Suzy Kolber acknowledging it as a sport! Crazier things have not happened. Not yet, anyway.
But there's one old coot that may have Mr. Favre beat at his own game. For seemingly an endless amount of time, there has been speculation about the future of Peter Forsberg. After he won the Gold medal in '94 (OK, maybe not then), after they did it again in '06, after his Stanley Cup wins in '96 and '01. Hell, by 1996 he had done all there really is to do in hockey. He could have gone home a national hero, or so they say. It seems like anytime that anything happens in his life, his retirement or evacuation from the NHL is in question. So for that, Peter Forsberg, we salute you as the most selfishly indecisive old coot in sports.