Friday, December 19, 2008

"Mats! You F--king Bitch! We Can Work It Out!"

Kevin is out of town, so holding down the fort will be Ryan and a star studded cast of guest posters who will be stopping throughout the week. Please welcome your overlord for the day, the critically acclaimed and criminally under appreciated Wrap Around Curl.

Hey guess what? It's a post about Mats Sundin. I planned to write about him a few days ago when Kevin invited me to bloggysit. And when I say "about" I mean around and such. But since he is all stitched into a Canucks sweater, let's take it head on.

Wow Mats, what a dick move. I know I am a bit fresh to this whole being a Leafs fan thing. But I think I can understand the Leafs pain. See, back in the day I absolutely loved and adored Alex Rodriguez. When girls were fawning over Leo DiCaprio in J-14 I was reading the Sporting News and clipping pictures of A-Rod. I played shortstop in softball, but quit because I thought the whole underhand/different kind of ball was sissy. There was the worn Rodriguez shirt that I rocked on the regular. I was a sick puppy. And then something in my room that could only be described as a "shrine."

The number that broke my heart? 252. He went to Texas for 252 million bucks and I pretty much never watched baseball ever again. Perhaps there wasn't glory in being a Mariner. I don't know. But the team had charm and did not suck entirely. Cash grabs aren't cute, babycakes.

But why did Mats have to go all Rob Gordon? When Rob was on the decline with Laura, he admitted he wants to see other people. And then goes on a path to find himself/someone new. He visits old girlfriends and pursues potential new interests that are different than Laura. Mats took some time and went to Sweden to be one with his peeps and then started flirting. While Rob is messing about he found out that Laura is seeing someone new and decides calling her and reminding her they are split up but could perhaps be together again. Oh and I haven't figured out which Leafs best represents Ian. If you know, drop it in the comments. Then Rob thinks he might be down with Marie DeSaille because when she sings Baby I Love Your Way, it's tolerable. Which honestly, is probably on my Top Five for songs that make me dry heave. He figures he can stick with Marie because he loves the idea of being with a musician. She'd write an album about him, and tuck things in the liner notes for him. Mats went elsewhere to win, apparently.

The thing about all this is, some think that Mats will come back to Toronto, after he gets this all out of his system. Well, Rob did decide screwing other people was boring. And Laura decided she was miserable without Rob and being together just made sense. It could all come back to that. But I imagine it would be awkward. Though, it would be remedied with Sonic Death Monkey, nay, Barry Jive and the Uptown Five.


  1. Mats = Ian Raymond - He's dancing to Bulgarian music and cooking smelly shit and trying to resolve conflicts while Supertramp plays on the radio (although actually that's one exception I always took to Rob Gordon's sensibilities since I happen to like Supertramp, but I digress). Mats is the ultimate hippie poser who meditated his way out of Toronto and onto the West Coast, and I hope someone flips out, knocks his teeth out with a telephone and then drops an air conditioner on his face. But I'm not bitter.

  2. that...was beautiful. As far as Ian Gordon goes, I think that might be Schenn. Just hear me out.

    If Mats is Rob, then Leafs Nation has to be Laura. And Laura, swooning and fawning all over Rob is the ultimate metaphor for our love affair with OLAS. It's the type of love Mats always wanted from us...

    I love that movie...

  3. oh wrap, you know you always have my heart after each High Fidelity reference

  4. Brilliant. I, too, stopped playing softball because I found the differences between softball and baseball to be pussying out. Why do girls play with a ball the size of a melon? Beautiful post.