Monday, August 13, 2007

A Handy Guide for Beginners: Hockey Blogging

A self portrait of your trusty editor.

On the heels of yesterday's post about BMR's short history, I thought I would drop some knowledge up in this bitch. The last Guidebook I wrote was mildly successful, so hopefully this one turns out to be at least half as good. It's some friendly advice for all those starting out their careers in the hockey blogging industry, but it's not like I'm someone to really give advice on the subject. Whatever. Enjoy.

Do not make fun of James Mirtle and/or Eric McErlain. They are the overlords of the hockey blogosphere/world/box/thing. Thus, if you wanted to call one of them a Bat Shit Crazy Son of a Bitch whose blog is vile trash, it's not a good idea. If said event were to occur, you would have huge, muscular guys with cool sunglasses show up at your house in a matter of minutes whose only agenda would be to "take you down" a la Dog the Bounty Hunter. That is, of course, if you were to do such a dastardly thing.*

Always post lots of random pictures of hot chicks, specifically ice girls. This may not guarantee that your blog gets tons of cheap hits, but it will give you a lot of street cred. You're the cool blogger who doesn't play by the rules! You're not like those MSM sons of bitches who bend to the man. You embrace your true self as a manly blogger who enjoys a tight ass or two or twenty. That being said, if you are of the female hockey blogging persuasion, well, I have no idea what you should do. Post a picture of Mike Modano's chest? I have no clue.

Do name your blog in a fashion that tricks readers who don't look hard enough into thinking you are someone famous and enormously egotistical. You shouldn't take more than two minutes to come up with a snappy, irreverent name either. Names like John Buccigross Rocks and I Am Sean Avery and I Am All That is Man should suffice. See how easy that was? You too can have an awesome blog title.**

Do flame Eklund. That's the 'in' thing to do isn't it? In fact, if you have a sneaking suspicion that he creates rumors simply from the banter on your message board, go ahead and prove it by baiting him into it. It's fun. Promise.

Always post Ballhype "Hype It Up" links on every one of your blog posts. When your readers see that you get a "Hype" of ten on each one of your posts, they'll be throughly impressed. All you have to do for this is to make 10 unique accounts on BallHype. It's that simple.

Do not create posts whose sole purpose is to show your readers all the funny little captions you can come up for stupid pictures. You're not that funny, asshole.

Don't forget to put Google Ads on your blog. Where else can you earn five cents per day for simply voicing your opinions? You'll be a millionaire in 5,500 years no time!

Do write posts about how old your blog is and how you find it so incredibly hard to come up with new content each and every day. Your readers will admire your amazing will to sit by your computer and type each day. Some men fight wars, while still others lead nations, but none of those men (or women) hold a candle to all of us who type for hours on end every single day about sports that, in the end, don't really matter at all.

If at all possible, team up with another blog whose theme is also completely unoriginal so that you can share your content and cross promote. It's not enough to start a blog based on someone else's idea, but you've also got to spread your seed as much as possible. It's not like how ESPN rams Arena Football down our collective throats. Not at all.

This one is mandatory. At least once a week you must reference how completely amusing and at the same time absurd the Cakes and Babies blog is. Let's face it, ideas like these are simply legendary in the blogging world and the incompetent peons you bless with your typed word can't remember more than five sentences at a time.

Do write posts that tell the world how awesome all the other bloggers are and how much you respect their work. They may not understand at first, but when they see their Technorati ranking jump, they'll thank you.

* - It's a compliment worded in jest, guys. Swear. I've got a lot of respect for those guys. There's no need to have Dog kick my ass.
** - Just for the record, and so everything is clear; I
didn't name this blog to make people think I was Mr. Melrose. It's a fucking homage damn it.

Seriously. It's all in jest. This blog is supposed to be a funny break from the norm. Pies to the face and that kinda shit. Get it?


  1. Also, don't fail to mention in your hockey blogs that:

    Tom Benjamin is right but cranky;

    JR/Hull should just shut up;

    hate or love Doc Emerick;

    always talk about how unfair it is that really hot actresses are dating ugly hockey players (and put up pictures of said actresses); and

    make snarky comments about Garth Snow.

  2. Battle of California is based on the Battle of Alberta which is the godfather of the Battle blogs.

    Not to mention that the BoPa was born over at the Battle of Ontario.

    Blogs are so incestuous.

  3. Good list. You did, however, forget that one out of every ten of your posts should reference Eklund as being a tool. You can't be taken seriously otherwise. And don't forget Kuklas Korner. I threw a cheapie at Paul once and Derek Boogard showed up at my door step the next day. I drink through a straw now.

  4. Shoot, and here I thought I was going to be soooo original by posting Mike Modano's chest on my blog.....

  5. Eh, I goofed on the Battles. Alberta is the oldest. Sorry, guys.

    I'm starting to think all the additions you guys have for the list should be it's own post. These are great, keep em comin!

    Hopefully Paul isn't mad that I left him off the list... I like Derek Boogard but I'd like to pass on the beatings. =P

  6. Don't forget to also mention how you both hate ESPN for not putting up enough highlights on Sportscenter but also mention how much you miss NHL2Night.

  7. Any self respecting hockey blog must:
    -regularly dump on Bettman, including references to his height and mocking comments about the Versus deal
    -plead for the retirement of Bob Cole/Harry Neale
    -think Jes Golbez is pretty funny
    -favour no-touch icing

  8. And always make sure you reference this site:



  9. A personal favorite of mine is constantly mentioning that the southeast division is lame.

  10. Don't forget that taking a fat dump on VERSUS, bitching about hockey's placement on SportsCenter, claiming that the referees are, yet also are not, calling enough penalties, and at least one reference every month to DiPietro's contract. And I love your idea that every blog should have at least one link to my NHL FanHouse articles -- especially the good ones.

  11. Great, just started blogging by myself. I suppose nothing could go wrong now...

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