If Gary Bettman Had Multiple Personalities, This Would Be One of Them

Growing up as a kid, did you always wonder what the Stanley Cup would say if it could talk? Have you always wished, even before these internets came about, that the SC would have it's very own blog so that it could speak directly to you? Well, you're not alone. So have I.

The Stanley Cup is one massive crunk goblet. Scott Cunningham/Getty Images

And as it turns out, our prayers have been answered.

NHL.com has given the Stanley Cup it's own blog. Not the Cup's handlers. Not some hockey historian. The actual fucking trophy.

Pardon me for being late in picking up on this, but I just stumbled across it tonight and though it was one of the most ridiculous blogs ever. On the ridiculous scale, it's awfully close to the epic Cakes and Babies. The difference is that the SC blog is just a bit more on the insane side of things.

Here's some excerpts from NHL.com... er... I mean, Stanley.

"Bonjour! Hello! My name is Stanley, and I’m the oldest trophy in North American professional sports. I was born in England, but now I live in Toronto, Canada. Oh, and I love hockey! I've probably seen more games than anyone else on this board. If you have a hockey question, feel free to drop me a line below or at stanleycup@nhl.com."

Even the Stanley Cup has it's own email address. This internet thing has really taken off, hasn't it? Don't bother to write though, Stanley is a busy hunk of metal man.

"Hello everyone! Stanley here…..

Where to begin? Sorry I’ve been out of touch. My life has been upside down the last few weeks, but I’m not complaining. Well, I finally know who I’ll be spending my summer with and I’m looking forward to hanging with these guys. Only captain Scotty and I have partied before. So congratulations to the 2007 Stanley Cup champion Anaheim Ducks. And let’s not forget the Ottawa Senators, who also played a fine series and had a tremendous season.

Well, excuse me once again, I have to get back to the party. It’s a wild one and, after all, I am the host. My buddy the Conn Smythe Trophy is here too! He's my "opening act." :=) So thanks all again for checking in and let’s stay in touch. It’s going to be a fun summer and I’ll tell you all about it at some point.

My best,

Stanley"

Why are they trying to make the SC sound like some dipshit college freshman? "Oh my gawd I haven't talked to you in like FOREVER. I'm just so busy, I have like totally wayyy too many parties to go to! You dont even know. You dont. even. know. I'm like soooo sorry, call me, ttyl!!! Oh my gawd! =P" It's messed up on so many levels. I seriously pity the poor intern who has to write this shit.

In case you were wondering, people are, of course, playing along.

"I told you that you would be spending summer in California!! You may not have ended up in my #1 preferred place, but still!! I saw you at the Ducks celebration, you were magnificent!!!

Posted by: hockey_lover004"

Let's just hope this doesn't end up like the Barbaro message board. One place like that is more than enough.

The blog has a few pictures on it as well... And am I the only one who thinks that it's a little unsettling that the picture of Lord Stanley himself has a higher 'rating' than the picture of Lindsay Lohan and the Cup? That says something about the people that read this 'blog'. I don't know what. But something. Maybe they're just necrophiliacs. Come on people, tits are always > some dead guy.

A Handy Guide for Beginners: Hockey Blogging

A self portrait of your trusty editor. Flickr

On the heels of yesterday's post about BMR's short history, I thought I would drop some knowledge up in this bitch. The last Guidebook I wrote was mildly successful, so hopefully this one turns out to be at least half as good. It's some friendly advice for all those starting out their careers in the hockey blogging industry, but it's not like I'm someone to really give advice on the subject. Whatever. Enjoy.

Do not make fun of James Mirtle and/or Eric McErlain. They are the overlords of the hockey blogosphere/world/box/thing. Thus, if you wanted to call one of them a Bat Shit Crazy Son of a Bitch whose blog is vile trash, it's not a good idea. If said event were to occur, you would have huge, muscular guys with cool sunglasses show up at your house in a matter of minutes whose only agenda would be to "take you down" a la Dog the Bounty Hunter. That is, of course, if you were to do such a dastardly thing.*

Always post lots of random pictures of hot chicks, specifically ice girls. This may not guarantee that your blog gets tons of cheap hits, but it will give you a lot of street cred. You're the cool blogger who doesn't play by the rules! You're not like those MSM sons of bitches who bend to the man. You embrace your true self as a manly blogger who enjoys a tight ass or two or twenty. That being said, if you are of the female hockey blogging persuasion, well, I have no idea what you should do. Post a picture of Mike Modano's chest? I have no clue.

Do name your blog in a fashion that tricks readers who don't look hard enough into thinking you are someone famous and enormously egotistical. You shouldn't take more than two minutes to come up with a snappy, irreverent name either. Names like John Buccigross Rocks and I Am Sean Avery and I Am All That is Man should suffice. See how easy that was? You too can have an awesome blog title.**

Do flame Eklund. That's the 'in' thing to do isn't it? In fact, if you have a sneaking suspicion that he creates rumors simply from the banter on your message board, go ahead and prove it by baiting him into it. It's fun. Promise.

Always post Ballhype "Hype It Up" links on every one of your blog posts. When your readers see that you get a "Hype" of ten on each one of your posts, they'll be throughly impressed. All you have to do for this is to make 10 unique accounts on BallHype. It's that simple.

Do not create posts whose sole purpose is to show your readers all the funny little captions you can come up for stupid pictures. You're not that funny, asshole.

Don't forget to put Google Ads on your blog. Where else can you earn five cents per day for simply voicing your opinions? You'll be a millionaire in 5,500 years no time!

Do write posts about how old your blog is and how you find it so incredibly hard to come up with new content each and every day. Your readers will admire your amazing will to sit by your computer and type each day. Some men fight wars, while still others lead nations, but none of those men (or women) hold a candle to all of us who type for hours on end every single day about sports that, in the end, don't really matter at all.

If at all possible, team up with another blog whose theme is also completely unoriginal so that you can share your content and cross promote. It's not enough to start a blog based on someone else's idea, but you've also got to spread your seed as much as possible. It's not like how ESPN rams Arena Football down our collective throats. Not at all.

This one is mandatory. At least once a week you must reference how completely amusing and at the same time absurd the Cakes and Babies blog is. Let's face it, ideas like these are simply legendary in the blogging world and the incompetent peons you bless with your typed word can't remember more than five sentences at a time.

Do write posts that tell the world how awesome all the other bloggers are and how much you respect their work. They may not understand at first, but when they see their Technorati ranking jump, they'll thank you.

* - It's a compliment worded in jest, guys. Swear. I've got a lot of respect for those guys. There's no need to have Dog kick my ass.
** - Just for the record, and so everything is clear; I didn't name this blog to make people think I was Mr. Melrose. It's a fucking homage damn it.


Seriously. It's all in jest. This blog is supposed to be a funny break from the norm. Pies to the face and that kinda shit. Get it?

Taking Internet Abuse to a Whole New Level

Why write about hockey, when you can write about someone who writes about hockey? Screenshot

I stumbled upon an interesting blog today, and let me tell you, it's blowing my mind. I don't mean the posts are the most brilliant things I've ever read -- not quite. What I'm talking about is that the idea behind the darned thing is that crazy.

You know when you hear about a new invention and are so amazed by the sheer idea of it? Not necessarily that it's so awesome, but that you can't conceive how someone even though it up. This is one of those times. It seems like the next logical step in the evolution of blogging, and it might just be a whole lot of fun, too.

First, you had the internet. Then, we were given blogs and more specifically, sports blogs. As if that wasn't enough, we were handed Deadspin and the plethora of spin off blogs it created. After a few years of all this, you thought people were just flat out of ideas for blog themes. Unbelievably, (although I guess it's pretty believable) people are coming up with new, ridiculously amusing blogs everyday. There's Cakes and Babies, which gives you exactly what the name states. Nothing more, nothing less. Recently, LOL Jocks was birthed, taking lolcats to the sports world. Today, I present to you Peklund the Phoney Hockey Blogger.

The name doesn't quite describe what you can find inside, so let me explain. Essentially, it's a blog whose sole purpose is to do a complete hack job on Eklund, the guy who posts all those rumors over on Hockey Buzz. I kid you not. The sole purpose of the blog is to ridicule this guy. And just when you thought mankind had done all there is to do, and the evolution of blogging could not go any further, we find a way to reinvent ourselves.

Granted, blogs do hack jobs on people all day, BMR included. It's really quite the norm and is one of the easiest ways to spark interest in your blog. To actually dedicate your entire blog to ridiculing a specific person, one who isn't even famous within pop culture, and update daily, is impressive beyond description.

Kudos to PPHB. Although we might not all agree with their views or desire to do such a deed, you still have to admire them for having the watermelon-sized cajones to do it. That's why I salute you, PPHB.

Now who is going to be the one to start a blog bashing these guys? It's only fair.