Lost: NHL Edition

(C) ABC

Lost: NHL Edition (Season Four, Episode 1)

A sport, stranded alone in a desolate, snowy part of the Canadian wilderness continues its search for attention and a major television network contract. Led by Gary Bettman and Don Cherry, a crew of 14 ventures forth to try and salvage what is left of their sport and return to civilization. But can they survive as arguably the fifth biggest sport in North America?

Daniel Alfredsson (in blatantly Swedish accent): Gary, how much longer is this going to be? We've been wandering around out here for weeks. I just want to get home already.

Gary Bettman (leader of the group): Bah! Not until we find Versus! They will be able to solve all of our problems, and maybe even help us get back onto ESPN! Yes... YES... OUR DOMINATION OF THE WORLD WILL BE GLORIOUS!!! GLORIOUS!!!

Doc Emrick (talking at super sonic speeds): Crap.Therehegoesagain with allof the conquertheWORLDshenanignas. I'mREallygettingsickOFthisALLTHETIME!

Don Cherry: Yeah I know, eh? He just rambles on about this Versus stuff all the damned time. You know if he would just put his head down, skate hard and hit somebody once in a while we might of been out of this mess a long time ago, eh?

*Paul Stastny instantly appears out of thin air*

Paul Stastny (booming, thunderous voice): NO I AM THE ONE YOU CALL STASTNY. I AM MASTER OF ALL THINGS IN THE NORTHERN QUARK OF THIS SOLAR SYSTEM. YOU WILL BOW TO ME. I AM YOUR MASTER!!

Sidney Crosby: What the fuck are you talking about?

Martin Brodeur: STFU Staz. im so l33t ill pwn the crap outta u n00b. ugh i h8 n00bz so much.

Gary Bettman: Quiet you fools! My GPS is telling me that we are close the the Versus headquarters. If we make haste, we can find them soon enough!

Pascal Leclaire: What if we just went home and looked at the TV Guide? I think that would work just as well.

Gary Bettman: I know nothing of your tee vee guidos. Blasphmeny. Now onward! Make haste!

Daniel Alfredsson: Let's at least stop for food on the way. I'll cook us up something nice.

Gary Bettman: Yes... Food... MWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!

Don Cherry: Food sure sounds good. But not as good as a tough, back-checking winger!

JR: I am so sick and tired of this shit. You are all out of your friggin' minds.

Paul Stastny: ARE WE, JEREMIAH ROENICKIUS?! OR IS IT YOU WHO IS NOT ON THE INSIDE OF HIS OWN SKULL??

JR: What...

Sidney Crosby: Seriously, what the hell is wrong with this guy?

Paul Stastny: I AM NO MERE MORTAL, O CINDY CROSBUS. I AM PAUL STASTNY MASTER AND OVERLORD OF YOUR PATHETIC UNIVERSE. I AM NO "THIS GUY". I AM ALL THERE EVER WAS, IS, AND WILL BE.

Martin Brodeur: ZOMG sum1 make th3 dAmn n00b STFU. SRSLY.

JR: Wow. I can't take any more of this shit. I'm going to head over to that bar. See you psychopaths later.

George Parros: No, wait JR! That's...

*JR proceeds to wander off a cliff*

George Parros: ...a cliff. Shoot.

Gary Bettman: BAHAHAHA. Leave the weak ones behind!! Survival of the fittest!!

Pascal Leclaire: That's kind of harsh.

Don Cherry: You mean harsh like an Al MacInnis slapshot to the throat? Or how about a Donny Brashear uppercut right to your kisser? Is that harsh enough for you? Cause this wilderness is nothing. Nothing!

Martin Brodeur: ZOMG SO MANY STOOPID NOOBZ

Doc Emrick: MAYBEifweall worked together we couldgetbackhomeandoutOFthisMESSFASTER!

Daniel Alfredsson: Maybe if we had Dany Heatley here. He would know what to do.

Sidney Crosby: You and Heats should get a room already. Yeesh.

Daniel Alfredsson: Don't be jealous just because we win games and you don't. Who's got the conference championship bitch? Maybe you should go and [edited for content] with your boy Evgeni. Or are you in the doghouse with him and have to settle for Staal?

Sidney Crosby: That's it I've had enough of your crap!

*the two being a brawl in the midst of the scene*

Don Cherry: Aw, it's that cute, George? The two pretty boys are fighting again.

George Parros: Yeah, someone's really gotta teach them how to fight. It's funny though. They're like cats in heat.

*and cut to commercial...*