After all, nothing says hockey like a thoroughly greased mullet.
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Analysis, rambling and rants from around the NHL (from guys and gals who are NOT Barry Melrose).
Well, well. Apparently I've been channeling my inner Paul Stastny as I'm making a late season push to dominate the geekiest hockey fan ever contest BMR league. I'd like to thank Pensblog Charlie for letting my team win 11-0 last week and thank LD for my current 12-0 lead (as of today, anyways). /finishes tooting his horn
Mr. Plank had another dominating performance last week which has him comfortably reaming the rest of the teams.
Earl Sleek's squad is a steady team that you don't want to have to face in the first round of the playoffs.
Postseason starts March 16th. Late season push, Kevin. You can do it. I believe in you, Kevin.
Kevin: And here's the standings in the second division...
P.S. After starting off the year 0-14, we're 4-2 in our last six weeks in the first division. Playoffs here we come!
OK, so I've been a bit negative lately. It's not on purpose, you guys know how it is when I get riled up about something (and honestly, how much fun is some good ol' Eklund bashing?).
DENVER – The Colorado Avalanche Hockey Club announced today that the team has activated forward Paul Stastny from the Injured Reserve list. He is expected to be in the lineup for tonight’s game in Atlanta against the Thrashers (5:00 p.m. MT, Altitude TV).
Some interesting news out of Colorado the last few days... Fantasy Hockey Legend and Master of the Universe Paul Stastny has broken his arm and will be out of service indefinitely for the Avs. The news comes as a shock all around the galaxy, as Stastny has long thought to have been indestructible.
In the short term, the Elders of the Galactic Council have appointed the snowblower that mangled Joe Sakic's hand Interim Master of the Universe until Stastny recovers. Condolences for Stasny have poured in from across the universe, as far away as the Zorklax Galaxy and from our owm Milky Way.
Many galactic politicians fear that Master Stastny's injury could have a disastrous effect on human-snorcon relations in the Belluo Nebula. Tensions there were already tight as peace negotiations fell through after the assassination of Snorcon leader Myylef Nuooo. Experts are afraid that the region could yet again erupt into chaos.
In an exclusive interview with CNN Universal, the snowblower that mangled Joe Sakic's hand was very quiet about what it planned to do as Interim Master of the Universe. Then someone realized that it was not plugged in and it proceeded to attack Wolf Blitzer.
In the above photo, Stastny proves that no shirt nor hill can stop him from conquering the world. MNHockeyCamps.com
At this point, you probably don't want to be reminded of the economic issues going on in the world. Sports are an escape and it can be nice to get away from reality when it troubles us (interesting paradox there if you're Steve Bartman).
But sometimes sports are what makes the world go round. Companies shell out millions for Super Bowl commercials and the Olympics amazingly distract the news networks during, yes, an election year. This, ladies and gentlemen, is one of those times.
I have found the reason for all of our economic turmoil. It is not the oil companies. It is not bad loans. It is Paul Stastny's busted shoulder.
Paul Stastny came off the ice early today, with his right shoulder sagging and clearly in pain. The Avs’ lone all star from last year had a collision during a scrimmage (not sure who he collided with yet or the exact circumstances), but Stastny immediately headed for the dressing room, clearly favoring his shoulder....
Yes, folks. It's all too fishy for me. Paul Stastny, master of the known universe and fantasy hockey legend, is hurt and it is clearly the reason for all the problems in the world today. As goes Stastny, so goes the American stock market. It only makes too much sense.
Today is BMR's 1st birthday and throughout the day our friends, both real and fictional, will be stopping by to join the festivities.
CREDIT THIS MOST AMAZING IMAGE OF YOUR RULER TO CBS SPORTSLINE
*Paul Stastny appears out of thin air*
I AM THE ONE YOU CALL STASTNY. ON THIS MOST GLORIOUS DAY FOUR YOUR PATHETIC BLOG I WISH YOU THE BEST AND THE WORST OF CIRCUMSTANCES.
I AM ALL KNOWING ALL POWERFUL AND ALL ENCOMPASSING. I AM SO MANY THINGS THAT YOU CANNOT EVEN FATHOM THEM WITH YOUR PUNY HUMAN SIZED BRAIN. MY BRAIN IS LARGER THAN YOURS AND IS CLEARLY SUPERIOR BECAUSE OF ITS ENLARGED NATURE. MY CAPS LOCK IS ALSO SUPERIOR. I DO NOT NEED TO HOLD DOWN "SHIFT KEY" LIKE ON YOUR STUPID ELECTRONIC INPUTS. MY ELECTRONIC INPUTS ALLOW ME TO HAVE CAPITAL LETTERS AT ALL TIMES.
ON THIS MOST GLORIOUS OF 24 HOUR PERIODS FOR YOU, YOU MUST REMEMBER TO BOW TO ME IN MY AWESOME POWER. I DRIVE A FORD TAURUS. I HAVE HAD RELATIONS WITH SIX HUNDRED AND MILLION WOMENS. MY ANNUAL SALARY CAN BUY MORE RIMS AND OTHER ASSORTED AUTOMOBILE ACCESSORIES THAN YOURS. THE CAR THAT I DRIVE IS, HOW DO YOU SAY, PIMPIN.
You'll have to bear with me on this one, as it's more than a few days old. It was a long weekend and I have a few things I need to catch up on.
I just wanted to take a moment to congratulate Paul Stastny and the Colorado Avalanche on retaining their title as champions of the universe. For a few days, it looked like we were in for quite a battle (epic, you might say). The Wild led the series 2-1 after three games, with all three games being decided in overtime. Things changed quite a bit when the Wild got blown out of the building in Game Four, 5-1.
It seems pretty safe to say that was the game that completely shifted the series. The Avs went up 3-0 in the first and proceeded to pad the lead, making it 5-0 during the second period. It was in that period and the third where the Wild completely lost it. And I mean they really went off the deep end. 14 power plays later, the Avs would hold on for the victory. Sure, the next two games were close, but it's hard to deny that the Wild weren't totally themselves after the debacle of Game Four. The series concluded way back on Saturday night (if you can remember that far back), and we're unbelievably late in talking about this. But given that the battle this season was so epic, and my fondness for this matchup runs deep, it had to be given it's due.
So here's a thanks to the Wild and Avs who made this season that much more enjoyable. And also to you, Paul Stastny, for the contributions you made to my fantasy team helped carry us to the title. Even if you get destroyed against the Red Wings, you can still take solace in that!
I've done quite a disservice to our Midwestern readers lately. There's a heck of a series going on between the Rockies and the Mississippi and I have yet to really touch on yet. Well, consider it touched.
All year long the Minnesota Wild and Colorado Avalanche have battled it out for the fate of the known universe. It's been epic, no doubt. Back in November, we thought it was all over, with Paul Stastny and the Avs taking home the title of Universal Overlords. I regret to inform you that on that fateful day in November, I may have spoken too soon. Far be it from me to know that they would have met in the first round of the playoffs, and in such competitive fashion. Just like any good TV show, just when you though it was over, here they are back for another round. After watching the first three games of the series, all of which went to overtime mind you, it's easy to see that both these teams know exactly what is up for grabs.
So, let it be known that a great battle is taking place tonight in the American heartland (does Denver qualify as heartland?). The fate of the known universe is once again at stake and if we awake tomorrow morning in a world of molten lava and fire breathing velociraptors, we'll know why. The media will probably blame global warming, but we will all know the truth.
The much anticipated return of Peter Forsberg to the NHL has hit a serious roadblock. You see, things were going well for the Colorado Avalanche. At the trade deadline they plucked Forsberg from the "Scott Niedermayer and Teemu Selanne Free Agent Indecision Market" (the SNTSFAIM) after Forsberg had said he wasn't going to play anymore. That was after his agent said he wasn't going to play but before that he said he was going to play. It's all very topsy turvy, but back to the matter at hand. The Avs had a nice young core of players, Joe Sakic returned from injury and Jose Theodore, rather miraculously, stopped sucking all the time.
Then it happened.
Forsberg's return started in the worst way possible. He didn't score. FOR TWO WHOLE GAMES (OK, maybe not the worst thing. The worst would be "pulling a Hossa". But the point remains.). TWO. GAMES.
At this point, things are starting to fall apart in Colorado, and it's not just the small town of South Park this time. There is panic in the streets, unrest if you will. Inside the Pepsi Center, the air is thick and chokes you out of sheer tension. Players are panicking. Fans are on their last nerve. Paul Stastny has started a hunger strike until Forsberg finally scores a goal (or until the Minnesota Wild are vanquished, whichever comes first). Jose Theodore has relapsed back into a Propecia binge, which actually may be good considering his recent performance. Joe Sakic is... Well... Nothing really phases Joe Sakic. But the point reminds. Chaos. Utter chaos.
BMR will continue to watch this situation as it develops. And Paul if you're reading this, please, just stop. Anyone who knows teenage girls knows that starvation is just a cheap ploy for attention.
A sport, stranded alone in a desolate, snowy part of the Canadian wilderness continues its search for attention and a major television network contract. Led by Gary Bettman and Don Cherry, a crew of 14 ventures forth to try and salvage what is left of their sport and return to civilization. But can they survive as arguably the fifth biggest sport in North America?
Daniel Alfredsson (in blatantly Swedish accent): Gary, how much longer is this going to be? We've been wandering around out here for weeks. I just want to get home already.
Gary Bettman (leader of the group): Bah! Not until we find Versus! They will be able to solve all of our problems, and maybe even help us get back onto ESPN! Yes... YES... OUR DOMINATION OF THE WORLD WILL BE GLORIOUS!!! GLORIOUS!!!
Doc Emrick (talking at super sonic speeds): Crap.Therehegoesagain with allof the conquertheWORLDshenanignas. I'mREallygettingsickOFthisALLTHETIME!
Don Cherry: Yeah I know, eh? He just rambles on about this Versus stuff all the damned time. You know if he would just put his head down, skate hard and hit somebody once in a while we might of been out of this mess a long time ago, eh?
*Paul Stastny instantly appears out of thin air*
Paul Stastny (booming, thunderous voice): NO I AM THE ONE YOU CALL STASTNY. I AM MASTER OF ALL THINGS IN THE NORTHERN QUARK OF THIS SOLAR SYSTEM. YOU WILL BOW TO ME. I AM YOUR MASTER!!
Sidney Crosby: What the fuck are you talking about?
Martin Brodeur: STFU Staz. im so l33t ill pwn the crap outta u n00b. ugh i h8 n00bz so much.
Gary Bettman: Quiet you fools! My GPS is telling me that we are close the the Versus headquarters. If we make haste, we can find them soon enough!
Pascal Leclaire: What if we just went home and looked at the TV Guide? I think that would work just as well.
Gary Bettman: I know nothing of your tee vee guidos. Blasphmeny. Now onward! Make haste!
Daniel Alfredsson: Let's at least stop for food on the way. I'll cook us up something nice.
Gary Bettman: Yes... Food... MWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!
Don Cherry: Food sure sounds good. But not as good as a tough, back-checking winger!
JR: I am so sick and tired of this shit. You are all out of your friggin' minds.
Paul Stastny: ARE WE, JEREMIAH ROENICKIUS?! OR IS IT YOU WHO IS NOT ON THE INSIDE OF HIS OWN SKULL??
JR: What...
Sidney Crosby: Seriously, what the hell is wrong with this guy?
Paul Stastny: I AM NO MERE MORTAL, O CINDY CROSBUS. I AM PAUL STASTNY MASTER AND OVERLORD OF YOUR PATHETIC UNIVERSE. I AM NO "THIS GUY". I AM ALL THERE EVER WAS, IS, AND WILL BE.
Martin Brodeur: ZOMG sum1 make th3 dAmn n00b STFU. SRSLY.
JR: Wow. I can't take any more of this shit. I'm going to head over to that bar. See you psychopaths later.
George Parros: No, wait JR! That's...
*JR proceeds to wander off a cliff*
George Parros: ...a cliff. Shoot.
Gary Bettman: BAHAHAHA. Leave the weak ones behind!! Survival of the fittest!!
Pascal Leclaire: That's kind of harsh.
Don Cherry: You mean harsh like an Al MacInnis slapshot to the throat? Or how about a Donny Brashear uppercut right to your kisser? Is that harsh enough for you? Cause this wilderness is nothing. Nothing!
Martin Brodeur: ZOMG SO MANY STOOPID NOOBZ
Doc Emrick: MAYBEifweall worked together we couldgetbackhomeandoutOFthisMESSFASTER!
Daniel Alfredsson: Maybe if we had Dany Heatley here. He would know what to do.
Sidney Crosby: You and Heats should get a room already. Yeesh.
Daniel Alfredsson: Don't be jealous just because we win games and you don't. Who's got the conference championship bitch? Maybe you should go and [edited for content] with your boy Evgeni. Or are you in the doghouse with him and have to settle for Staal?
Sidney Crosby: That's it I've had enough of your crap!
*the two being a brawl in the midst of the scene*
Don Cherry: Aw, it's that cute, George? The two pretty boys are fighting again.
George Parros: Yeah, someone's really gotta teach them how to fight. It's funny though. They're like cats in heat.
It's official -- Paul Stastny has won control of the universe. AP Photo/David Zalubowski
I am the one you call "Stastny". I am son of Peter, and owner of what you refer to as the "Western Conference". I am all that is man.
Two nights prior to this, I easily dispensed a plethora of pain upon the Minnesota Wild, whom you hold in such high regard. They are only little children in my presence and no match for the mighty Paul Stastny. All your National Hockey Leagues now belong to me.
With slap shots fired so hard and without mercy, I unleashed a torrent of pain so ruthless that would make even Lucifer himself proud. After sixty Earth minutes of relentless pain and humiliation, the Wild, or so you call them, were tamed and sent home in ways that only I can even possibly understand. Describing my epic performance as "two goals and an assist" do not give the human mind any comprehension of the destruction that I bestowed upon the ice hockey skaters from the Land of a Thousand Lakes. What occurred Sunday night is simply a feat too unbelievable for any human to comprehend.
From henceforth let it be known that all of Earth will bow to the mighty Stastny. A new day is upon you earthlings, and your destruction will be swift and merciless. Not even BattlestarGalactica can save you now!
It's probably best to embrace our new Overlord of the Iced Surface, Paul Stastny, who had five points tonight against San Jose. That brings his season total to eight points, setting him up for what could be an unprecedented 218 point season. In the coming days, his conquest will likely be swift and unmerciful. At least in the Western Conference, thanks to unbalanced scheduling.
(click to enlarge)
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