Friday, March 7, 2008

Citizens of Colorado Panic, Paul Stastny Starts Hunger Strike

The much anticipated return of Peter Forsberg to the NHL has hit a serious roadblock. You see, things were going well for the Colorado Avalanche. At the trade deadline they plucked Forsberg from the "Scott Niedermayer and Teemu Selanne Free Agent Indecision Market" (the SNTSFAIM) after Forsberg had said he wasn't going to play anymore. That was after his agent said he wasn't going to play but before that he said he was going to play. It's all very topsy turvy, but back to the matter at hand. The Avs had a nice young core of players, Joe Sakic returned from injury and Jose Theodore, rather miraculously, stopped sucking all the time.

Then it happened.

Forsberg's return started in the worst way possible. He didn't score. FOR TWO WHOLE GAMES (OK, maybe not the worst thing. The worst would be "pulling a Hossa". But the point remains.). TWO. GAMES.

At this point, things are starting to fall apart in Colorado, and it's not just the small town of South Park this time. There is panic in the streets, unrest if you will. Inside the Pepsi Center, the air is thick and chokes you out of sheer tension. Players are panicking. Fans are on their last nerve. Paul Stastny has started a hunger strike until Forsberg finally scores a goal (or until the Minnesota Wild are vanquished, whichever comes first). Jose Theodore has relapsed back into a Propecia binge, which actually may be good considering his recent performance. Joe Sakic is... Well... Nothing really phases Joe Sakic. But the point reminds. Chaos. Utter chaos.

BMR will continue to watch this situation as it develops. And Paul if you're reading this, please, just stop. Anyone who knows teenage girls knows that starvation is just a cheap ploy for attention.


  1. so many good lines in this one, I can't just choose one! and Joe Sakic's eyes are creepy, but much more less than Foresburg's eyes. I can feel those suckas drilling into my sould

  2. Most of my family has the same eyes as Peter Forsberg, so that doesn't really phase me.

    I wish I had Joe Sakic's calm. And wrister. God damn does he still have it, and I would know, as he pads his stats against my team. He must love the schedule change that says we have to play him eight times a year instead of six. Regardless of that fact that he can single handedly destroy us, I still worship the ground he walks on.

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.