I am the one you call "Stastny". I am son of Peter, and owner of what you refer to as the "Western Conference". I am all that is man.
Two nights prior to this, I easily dispensed a plethora of pain upon the Minnesota Wild, whom you hold in such high regard. They are only little children in my presence and no match for the mighty Paul Stastny. All your National Hockey Leagues now belong to me.
With slap shots fired so hard and without mercy, I unleashed a torrent of pain so ruthless that would make even Lucifer himself proud. After sixty Earth minutes of relentless pain and humiliation, the Wild, or so you call them, were tamed and sent home in ways that only I can even possibly understand. Describing my epic performance as "two goals and an assist" do not give the human mind any comprehension of the destruction that I bestowed upon the ice hockey skaters from the Land of a Thousand Lakes. What occurred Sunday night is simply a feat too unbelievable for any human to comprehend.
From henceforth let it be known that all of Earth will bow to the mighty Stastny. A new day is upon you earthlings, and your destruction will be swift and merciless. Not even Battlestar Galactica can save you now!