Your Moment of Zen

This came through my email from reader Sean (not Leahy). I don't know. Ask him if you need an explanation. But I don't think something this badass needs an explanation.

Stastny, Avs Retain Title of Universal Overlords (Better Late Than Never, Right?)

AP/Andy King

You'll have to bear with me on this one, as it's more than a few days old. It was a long weekend and I have a few things I need to catch up on.

I just wanted to take a moment to congratulate Paul Stastny and the Colorado Avalanche on retaining their title as champions of the universe. For a few days, it looked like we were in for quite a battle (epic, you might say). The Wild led the series 2-1 after three games, with all three games being decided in overtime. Things changed quite a bit when the Wild got blown out of the building in Game Four, 5-1.

It seems pretty safe to say that was the game that completely shifted the series. The Avs went up 3-0 in the first and proceeded to pad the lead, making it 5-0 during the second period. It was in that period and the third where the Wild completely lost it. And I mean they really went off the deep end. 14 power plays later, the Avs would hold on for the victory. Sure, the next two games were close, but it's hard to deny that the Wild weren't totally themselves after the debacle of Game Four. The series concluded way back on Saturday night (if you can remember that far back), and we're unbelievably late in talking about this. But given that the battle this season was so epic, and my fondness for this matchup runs deep, it had to be given it's due.

So here's a thanks to the Wild and Avs who made this season that much more enjoyable. And also to you, Paul Stastny, for the contributions you made to my fantasy team helped carry us to the title. Even if you get destroyed against the Red Wings, you can still take solace in that!

This Battle is Indeed Epic

Doug Pensinger/Getty Images/Yahoo

I've done quite a disservice to our Midwestern readers lately. There's a heck of a series going on between the Rockies and the Mississippi and I have yet to really touch on yet. Well, consider it touched.

All year long the Minnesota Wild and Colorado Avalanche have battled it out for the fate of the known universe. It's been epic, no doubt. Back in November, we thought it was all over, with Paul Stastny and the Avs taking home the title of Universal Overlords. I regret to inform you that on that fateful day in November, I may have spoken too soon. Far be it from me to know that they would have met in the first round of the playoffs, and in such competitive fashion. Just like any good TV show, just when you though it was over, here they are back for another round. After watching the first three games of the series, all of which went to overtime mind you, it's easy to see that both these teams know exactly what is up for grabs.

So, let it be known that a great battle is taking place tonight in the American heartland (does Denver qualify as heartland?). The fate of the known universe is once again at stake and if we awake tomorrow morning in a world of molten lava and fire breathing velociraptors, we'll know why. The media will probably blame global warming, but we will all know the truth.

Epic Battle Update: All Your Universe are Belong to Paul Stastny

It's official -- Paul Stastny has won control of the universe. AP Photo/David Zalubowski

I am the one you call "Stastny". I am son of Peter, and owner of what you refer to as the "Western Conference". I am all that is man.

Two nights prior to this, I easily dispensed a plethora of pain upon the Minnesota Wild, whom you hold in such high regard. They are only little children in my presence and no match for the mighty Paul Stastny. All your National Hockey Leagues now belong to me.

With slap shots fired so hard and without mercy, I unleashed a torrent of pain so ruthless that would make even Lucifer himself proud. After sixty Earth minutes of relentless pain and humiliation, the Wild, or so you call them, were tamed and sent home in ways that only I can even possibly understand. Describing my epic performance as "two goals and an assist" do not give the human mind any comprehension of the destruction that I bestowed upon the ice hockey skaters from the Land of a Thousand Lakes. What occurred Sunday night is simply a feat too unbelievable for any human to comprehend.

From henceforth let it be known that all of Earth will bow to the mighty Stastny. A new day is upon you earthlings, and your destruction will be swift and merciless. Not even Battlestar Galactica can save you now!

Epic Battle Update: Let's Try and Have a Winner this Time, OK?

(C) Colorado Avalanche

I don't know what the NHL schedulers were thinking, but it seems that the Minnesota Wild and Colorado Avalanche play to determine the fate of the universe every Sunday. Oh, wait. They actually do.

For the third Sunday out of the last four, the top two teams in the Northwest Division will face off, this time in Denver. This is starting to become an event as regular as, well, playing tackle football on Sundays in the fall. If you remember last time these two teams met, neither side were able to successfully determine the fate of the universe. To try and help out a team of actors was sent in, but as it turns out, they are only actors and have a hard time doing heroic things in real life.

Thanks for nothing Hollywood. Thanks a lot. Now it's up to Paul Stastny and the Minnesota Wild to try and determine the fate of the universe yet again. Will we wake up tomorrow morning in a world filled with giant tortoises who torture us mercilessly in the hopes of finding out how we build houses that look like toilets? Or will it be more like a Battlestar Galactica rerun? The anticipation is killing me. I cannot wait.

If this isn't enough, don't fret, the two teams will play again next Sunday. Awesome.

Epic Battle Update: No One Wins, Universe Still up for Grabs

From a website that's in a language I can't read.

Tonight I come to you with grave news. The fate of the universe is still up in the air at this hour, as both the Minnesota Wild and Paul Stastny mailed it in tonight.

The Wild lost 3-1 to Colorado, extending their losing streak to a season-long three games. Despite his team actually winning the game, Paul Stastny was held without a goal yet again. His goalless drought now spans 14 days and seven games.

At the moment, it is still unclear if the universe can recover from both of these utter disappointments. Only time will tell if another force will rise up and seize control.

For the time being, a team of actors has been assembled to save mankind. And womankind:

They've got the Guy Who Isn't Matt Damon but is Friends With Him, Billy Bob Thornton, the Big Black Guy from Green Mile Who is a Really Good Actor, that Creepy Dude Who's Always in Important Movies, the lead actor from the Fifth Element and, of course, some hot chick.

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Alright that's really going to be the last I talk about Stastny and the Wild for a while now. You might be laughing but I know that I'm killing you on the inside with these shenanigans. I'm going to quit cold turkey.

Minnesota vs. Paul Stastny: An Epic Battle for the Universe

This is madness! THIS... IS... CAKETOWN!!! AP Photo/Paul Battaglia

OK, so this isn't quite the epic battle it was when these two teams met last Sunday, since the Wild are on a losing streak for the first time this season and Paul Stastny hasn't had a point in three games, but it's an epic battle nonetheless.

We have only one period remaining to prepare ourselves to face the fate of the known universe. Will worlds collide? Will Paul Stastny ever score again? Does anyone other than me really care?

Soon, we will know the answers to such epic questions.

Soon, I will stop over using the word epic. But not today.

(+5 to anyone who gets the reference in the caption.)

Minnesota Saves the Universe from Imminent Destruction

Brian Rolston puts on his best "epic battle" face. Scott A. Schneider/Getty Images

Sunday night a match of epic proportions took place in the city of St. Paul, Minnesota. The Inhuman Destroyer of Nations That Is Paul Stastny collided with what is currently the only other force in the universe that I consider unstoppable; the Minnesota Wild.

What ensued can only be accurately described as a battle for the universe that makes Transformers the Movie and any Star Wars flick pale in comparison. No folks, this was the real deal. This was a real life Superman colliding with a group of individuals that represent all that is wrong with the world (but that's only if you ask Gary Bettman's opinion, of course).

For those regular readers around here, you don't need to be reminded about any of that. You know the high regard in which these two forces of cataclysmic proportions are held.

Thankfully for all of us, the question that has been asked by many, many generations dating back to about two weeks ago, has finally been answered.

Coach Ditka versus a hurricane; who would win?

Oh, no wait.

In an epic battle for the universe between Paul Stastny and the Minnesota Wild, who would win?

Yeah. That's the question I was looking for.

Folks, today we can all take a deep sigh of relief. The Inhuman Destroyer of Nations That Is Paul Stastny has been stopped, and the universe was left almost totally intact! That's really an added bonus. This was a battle that was not easily won or lost. Facing a 2-2 tie heading into the third period, the outcome was in doubt and many were left fearing that the Battle for the Universe would be left up to the outcome of a shootout. Heaven forbid.

In the final period, the Wild would prevail thanks to a shot that was like a bolt of lightning thrown down from the sky by a force we cannot even conceive. Thus, the fate of the universe was decided on the powerful stick of one Mikko Koivu. A thousand generations from now, all will know the name Koivu and that on this night, it was his stick blade that rained like lava from the volcanoes of hell! It was he who had slain the Mighty Stastny!

Synopsis: The Wild remained undefeated and held Paul Stastny scoreless in the process.