Thursday, January 15, 2009

Dear Phoenix area sports fans.

I understand, the United States' economy is in tatters. I understand that we're not all able to attend sporting events like we once could because of the lagging economy. That said, the Coyotes are in trouble, though not as much trouble as originally alleged. As the team's head coach, I, Wayne Gretzky, need to figure this out.

The first thing to do, in my opinion, is build a quality team to put on the ice. I feel we have done that. We still have long time leader Shane Doan. We have added Olli Jokinen and Ed Jovanovski over the past few years. We have emerging young studs Peter Mueller and Kyle Turris. All these changes and my brilliant coaching have made the Coyotes a playoff team. Still, we can't get the fans we need.

I look around at the rest of the Phoenix sports team, and it's come to me. The NFL franchise is named after a non aggressive robin sized bird. The NBA team is named after the celestial life giving body that we all need. The baseball team is named after a snake, but they entered the league wearing teal and purple.

In short, having a name like the Coyotes is perhaps a little too scary for your delicate sensibilities. Perhaps having a team named after a vicious carnivore roaming the local deserts is a little too intimidating for the gentle spirit of most Phoenix sports fans. Therefore, I'm pushing to sell more of these shirts:

because you, Phoenix area sports fans are a big sack of bitch.

Wayne Gretzky

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