Sunday, November 18, 2007

10 Reasons to Watch Hockey Instead of that Other Sport on Sunday

Bob Costas is a creepy little man.

If you live in North America, or at least the United States, you know that Sundays are all about the pigskin, Brett Favre and hating the New England Patriots. Sometimes it seems as if it is a law that everyone must sit down and watch as much football as they can because, hey, it's only on national television two days a week. That said, you're reading this blog because you realize there is something more to Sundays; there are still hockey games to be played. Just in case you needed to be reminded that hockey is indeed the superior of the two sports, or because you need some motivation to follow through on your plan of watching hockey today, here it is -- 10 reasons why you should be watching hockey instead of football on Sunday.

10. Because you want to non-conform. The Man wants you to watch football on Sunday, but you don't give into The Man. Not now. Not ever. You don't care about what all the cool kids are doing, and believe that society doesn't know what's best for you. "They don't own me, dude," you'll say. No, they don't. Dude. You're going to watch the Flames and Canucks tonight just to prove it to everyone. That will show them. Screw The Man.

9. What's football? If you're living north of the border there's a good chance that you don't understand how every American has a ridiculous infatuation with tackle football, and don't care to find out about it. There are CFL games today anyway, and American football is measured in yards. You don't know how much a yard is and don't care. Dumb Americans, always using weird weight and measurement systems.

8. Your football team blows. Let's be honest. There are, in fact, a few people out there who follow both sports. While you may watch football, there's an awfully good chance that your team is already eliminated from playoff contention. That's all the more reason to watch some hockey! In hockey, the games will probably matter. (Except for football fans in Indianapolis, Boston, Dallas and Green Bay. You're excused from hockey today.)

7. NBC is the most God-awful television network, ever. NBC has been butchering sports for years, and their football telecasts are no exception. It's usually wise to steer clear of anything they do, unless you happen to like Heroes or Scrubs.

6. You have a ridiculous man crush on Henrik Zetterberg because he has been carrying your fantasy team all season. Zetterberg is a great player, and has been among the tops in the league for a few years now, but this season is looking to be his coming out party. Going into tonight's game against Columbus, Zetterberg was third in the NHL in both points and goals. It would be hard to believe that this guy has not carried anyone's fantasy team so far. Well, the one exception would be if you're in a fantasy fighting league. In that case, your team would certainly be in last since Zetterberg hasn't fought all season.

5. The Sunday Night Football game will be over in the first ten minutes. There is a distinct possibility that tonight's nationally televised game between the New England Patriots and Buffalo Bills will be over before you can even figure out what channel it's on. The Patriots are as big of an offensive juggernaut as the NFL has ever seen, and the Bills frankly don't stand a chance (they are from Buffalo, you see). At the beginning of the week Vegas was favoring New England by 14.5 points, but now the spread has moved to 16. What that means is a lot of people bet that the Patriots would win by more than 14.5. My point exactly.

4. You've been in a coma since 1992. Let's face it, in the 1980s and early 1990s hockey was pretty popular and the NFL was not nearly the unbelievable force that it is today. If you recently awoke from a long, long coma, you should continue believing that hockey is one of the biggest and fastest growing sports in North America. It's a nice dream to wake up to, right?

3. Bob Costas makes you feel funny. You could potentially be allergic to him and might not know it, or maybe it's just the sound of his voice that makes you cringe. Either way, you don't like Bob Costas and aren't about to sit down and watch any television program that he has anything to do with. (Note: You are also allowed to swap the name "Bob Costas" for "Peter King" or "Chris Collinsworth".)

2. Mike Keenan may kill a man with a trident. The Flames are playing tonight and that only makes one question come to mind; is this going to be the night that Mike Keenan goes postal on Kristian Huselius?

1. Paul Stastny is playing the Minnesota Wild tonight. For those of you regular readers out there, I really don't need to say any more. There is a battle for control of universe going on, and that is what I call must see TV. Since when has a football game had that much of an implication into galactic politics? That's right. Never.


  1. is this going to be the night that Mike Keenan goes postal on Kristian Huselius?

    I don't know what the answer is to that, but I do know that it would be awesome--only if he uses the trident, however.

    What do you do if your football team is awesome but your hockey team blows? Do you just adjust alcohol intake until you feel better?

  2. also, for true greatness on the subject:

  3. I've been in St. Louis for the weekend, and the Blues were on the TVs pretty much everywhere I went. Watching the Blues almost turned me off to hockey.

    But seriously, they were on a TV at Albert Pujols restaurant, which i see as a good sign

  4. I have a part-time job at a radio station that, for now, involves running the board for the Sunday NFL double header. I hate football.

    Each shift I work = money for a hockey game. There is some degree of justice in the universe.

  5. Unfortunately the "balanced" schedule has my San Jose Sharks resting their fins for a week or so. In a drunken stupor I mistook an actual shark tank for THE Shark Tank and jumped in. Damn alcohol intake.

  6. I agree with number 8. I'm from Minnesota, so that's probably all I need to say on that.

  7. @loser domi: that's a tough one. i guess we'd have to excuse you from caring about hockey until January.

    @mr plank: yeah, what is the deal with the schedule?? the Islanders started the season playing more games than anyone else, and are now ~4 games behind every team in the league due to a stretch of 1 game in 10 days. wtf

  8. @kevin--I still care about hockey, no need to excuse me. Perhaps I use one to make the other a little bearable?