Monday, December 31, 2007

YOYEE: New Year's Resolutions

Continuing with Your Obligatory Year End Extravaganza...

So many to choose from!

Every year, people make New Year's Resolutions to try and fix certain aspects of their lives and practice self improvement. Every year, many of those resolutions fail. Believe it or not, celebs and NHL players are no different. They've got things to improve on and practice, just like the rest of us. Tonight, I'll take a look at some resolutions for the New Year that could help out some of favorite teams of the frozen sport.

San Jose Sharks: Continuously repeat the phrase "home is where the heart is" during all 2008 home games.

New York Islanders: Try to not create news that will become easy material for comedians.

Edmonton Oilers: Finally get around to getting rid of Kevin Lowe... Yeah, like that's going to happen. That's like asking Paris and Nicole to stay out of jail.

Chicago Blackhawks: Keep on doing what you're doing. And maybe draws up plans to build a huge statue of Rocky Wirtz.

Tampa Bay Lightning: Figure out a way to get those cement shoes off.

Minnesota Wild: Regain control of the universe.

Detroit Red Wings: Is there even room for improvement?

St. Louis Blues: Locate the opposition's net.

YOYEE: Best of the Blog... or What We Screwed Up the Least

It's been a fun year, folks. BMR has been around for about two thirds of it, and what a two thirds of a year it was! There was text messaging, Handy Guides and, of course, JR.

The response to a year-end feature was underwhelming, but that's OK. I'll give you guys a break since most of you are probably off doing better things for the holidays than reading a blog. You know, spending time with family or something. That's respectable, so I'll give you a break!

The following are some of the "best" from BMR this year, and I use that term very loosely. First some reader favorites and then some favorites of my own. Enjoy!

And now, Your Obligatory Year End Extravaganza!

Epic Battle Update: All Your Universe are Belong to Paul Stastny (11/13)
This Week In: "Oh $%#$, We Messed Up" (10/9)
If This Had Lasted Any Longer, Bill Clement Might of Had a Seizure (6/5)
A Handy Guide for Beginners: Hockey Blogging (8/13)
If Only Text Messaging Was More Popular in the NHL (7/10)

And some of my favorites:

Gary Bettman's Hit List (10/16)
NBC Does Not Care About Your Precious Overtime (5/19)
A Handy Guide for Beginners: Fantasy Hockey (8/29)
PSYCHE! Got You Losers Good! (10/4)
The Coach Incompetence Advisory System: Pre-Season Edition (9/27)
Dallas is the Snarkiest Team in the League (9/6)
Analyzing the New Canucks Jerseys (8/30)
Justin Timerblake Plays LA King in Surprisingly Realistic Role (8/24)
A Handy Guide for ESPN: How to Not Ruin Hockey (8/1)

For those of you who still want more reading material, you can check out the "Best Mullets Ever" on the left sidebar. Those are the top five most viewed posts. You can also take a look at the archive, which is arranged by month.

Sunday, December 30, 2007

The New Year's BMR Live Blog Spectacular!

Not sure why I used this photo. It somehow seems poignant.

Tomorrow we'll be having the first-ever live blog here at BMR. It's going to be a heck of a time with special appearances by... um... me. And I guess regular commenters like Loser Domi, Ryan and Justin might be there too. It's a star-studded event. Naturally. Feel free to hang around and join in the fun of making sarcastic quips about NBC Sports. Bob Costas imitations are stongly encouraged.

The shenanigans will start at about 12:30 EST tomorrow, provided I wake up in time. If you're headed out to Buffalo for the game, or just doing some random crap, be safe out there tonight. Happy new year!

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Signs of the Apocalypse: Andy Sutton Pulls a Howe, Gary Roberts Hurt

Photographic evidence that Roberts is, in fact, hurt.
Jim McIsaac/Getty Images

It's been a while since we have had any updates on the fate of the known universe, but since so many odd things are happening tonight, this is no better time to get you caught up. In fact, so many weird stories are popping up in the hockey world, (you know, the kind of things that should only happen "when pigs fly") tonight just may be the end of the world.

First up is the immortal and worshiped (at least in Pittsburgh) Gary Roberts. If you remember, a while back the Thrashers mistook Mark Recchi for Gary Roberts, obviously because Roberts is so darned cool. Roberts is on such a high pedestal that the phrase "what would Gary Roberts do?" is sweeping through Pittsburgh. But you already knew that. What you didn't know is that the potentially immortal Roberts broke his leg during the Penguins game tonight against the Sabres. If it is true that Gary Roberts can be stopped, then what about the rest of us?

But the best quote on the situation comes from ESPN and is a true testament to what Roberts is all about.
"A stretcher was brought out but Roberts did not use it."
Simple, to the point and Bad. Ass.

Oh and, cause I know we all love things like this, I'll post the video when it becomes available on YouTube. This could potentially be the type of play that you watch in horror, but somehow can't look away. All joking aside, I'm certainly wishing the best to Roberts right now. Gary, get well soon buddy!

In other apocalyptic news, one of the most unlikely players in the NHL had a "Gordie Howe Hat Trick." Think about it for a second. Who could achieve such a feat?

Andy Sutton. Yes, Andy Freaking Sutton. In the Islanders' 5-2 win over the Devils, Sutton had a goal, his first of the season, an assist and a fight to achieve the prestigiously dubbed feat. If Andy Sutton is doing a darned good Gordie Howe impression, then you know the apocalypse must surely be upon us. Yikes.

In more normal news, Alex Ovechkin had four goals and an assist against the Senators. Now that is something that doesn't make my brain hurt.

Addressing Some Insanity

The guys at the Pens Blog pointed out an interesting insanity epidemic this morning in our nation's capital. Apparently, at a Washington Capitals message board, there's a little unrest about the game played between the two teams on Thursday night.

Turns out, Alex Ovechkin got hurt during the game, in what was almost a scary situation. Kris Letang of the Penguins fell, and almost cut Ovechkin in the netherregoins. Ovechkin ended up begin OK, but didn't return to a game that would end in overtime, 4-3, in favor of the Penguins.

Said Caps coach Bruce Boudreau after the game, "it took the doctor so long to get down here (the bench), we couldn't get him back on the ice."

Almost on cue, the internet conspiracy theorists were out in droves. You know the type. The same kind of folks who think the NHL still employs the second assist to help Crosby (I can't find the link, but trust me, those people are out there).

One poster had the following to say:

"...isn't that convenient, the Penguins are losing by a goal and the Caps best player gets injured and the Pittsburgh doctor takes his time getting to the dressing room and Ovechkin never gets back on the ice. Is this the ECHL or the NHL? I know at Verizon, the doctor sits directly behind the Caps bench and literally follows an injured player into the dressing room. Yet in Pittsburgh it takes him ten minutes..."

First off, it's insane to think that there's enough of a rivalry between the Caps and Pens to believe that either team would actually, you know, purposely deny medical service to the other. Sure, there's a rivalry there, but this is simply ridiculous and inhumane. Who knows, the doctor could have been attending to someone else at that moment in time. We have no idea, so there's the same chance that there could actually be a perfectly good reason for this as there being a perfectly bad one.

That's not to mention there was clearly no intention on Letang's part to injure Ovechkin. Again, is there a rivalry between these two teams? Yes. Is it one big enough for the Pens to try and sabotage a last place team that isn't even in their own division? Highly unlikely. The Pens simply don't need to waste time trying to sabotage the Capitals because the last place Capitals are doing that on their own already. This argument would hold a grain of salt if both of these teams were in a heated playoff race of some sort. Or anything remotely close to that.

Another poster replied with the following statement. My comments are in bold.

"I mentioned the same thing late last night on my website about the potential disaster had it been a Clint Malarchuk-like injury."

First off, thanks for the shameless plus and blatant "what if" situation. Those two forces always combine for intelligent conversation.

"But this morning, I began thinking that the cut on Ovie's leg could have been just as bad -- if not worse. There is a main artery running through the leg that could have resulted in significant blood loss. Think no further than the death of Redskin Sean Taylor."

Ah, a nice Sean Taylor reference to appeal to our emotions! After seeing the play, it's hard to imagine Ovechkin having a main artery severed by nothing less than laying down on the ice and letting another player stomp on his thigh. Ovechkin wears hockey pants for a reason, and with Letang falling away from him, it would have been hard to imagine a serious situation occuring. Nonetheless, I'll bite. If, we assume, something super serious did occur, trainers would be on the ice instantly and 911 would certainly have been called. The fact that 911 was not called in this situation certainly makes it clear that Ovechkin was not, in fact, injured badly.

In a sport as physically grueling and violent as hockey, there should always be AT LEAST one doctor within a stone's throw of the dressing rooms. The league office needs to take a serious look into this and, depending on their findings, issue some sort of fine or commensurate punishment (giving a draft pick to the Caps would be nice!) to the Pittsburgh organization.

Again, that's what the trainers are there for. They're the first responders, if you will. Certainly the fact that it took a doctor 10 minutes to reach the dressing room was somewhat distressing and is something the Penguins should look into. That being said, to make the jump of associating this situation with Sean Taylor or Clint Malarchuk, is absurd. Had a horrific situation occurred, it's hard to believe that the Penguins would have sat back and done nothing. Actually, it's insane to believe.

Update: Sean Leahy points out that the Washington Post mentions that the Pittsburgh doctor was in the middle of treating a Pens player at the time AO got hurt. I'd also like to point out that this likely does not represent most Caps fans.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Pascal Leclaire Refuses to Give Up

George Hainsworth, it's time to worry. Your single season record of 22 shutouts may soon be in jeopardy. OK, maybe not, but this kid in Columbus is making a heck of a run.

Last night, Blue Jackets goaltender Pascal Leclaire earned his seventh shutout of the season.

Let it be known to all that Pascal Leclaire will surrender to no man! Not Gary Bettman, not anyone. Especially not you, Mr. Hainsworth.

If you're keeping score, Leclaire is currently on pace for 16 shutouts. It's no 22, but it's still damned impressive. Only six goaltenders have ended a season with a double digit shutout total since 2000-01, Marty Brodeur recording the highest total, 12, last season.

Memo to David Amber: Top 10 Lists are Like So Totally Lame (Oh My Gawd)

As it so happens, I like to have some fun with other writers from time to time. Usually it's because I really enjoy what they write, but other times it's because they're a Ranger fan. This time, I'm just here to help out a writer in need.

David Amber, of ESPN fame and employment, is a good writer and a great on-air personality. The problem is, well, David needs a little more creativity in his entries. Not the kind of creativity that comes from drug use or alcoholism (the only disease you can get yelled at for having, thank you Mitch Hedberg) like many great bands have come to realize, but the kind that comes from incessant repetition of the same idea. I don't know if his job title at the World Wide Leader is Chief Officer of Top 10 Lists or something, but apparently that's almost all David writes these days, save for some interviews. David, buddy, I'm here to help, not hurt. Let the lists go. Please, put them down and back away slowly. It's OK.

See, David writes a lot of Top 10 lists. A. Lot. Imagine if every post I wrote was a Handy Guide for Beginners, or if every John Buccigross column was musically themed. Oh, right. Never mind.

Anyway, today I bring to you the Top 10 signs that David Amber needs to stop doing Top 10s.

10. Your wife asks you to come to bed and you reply, "not right now, there are lists to be done."

9. When Dave Letterman does a segment titled Top Ten David Amber Top 10 Lists.

8. The moment your boss told you that endless top 10 lists were awesome.

7. When you do a Top 10 Jock Straps List.

6. You admitted that you do have a problem and need help.

5. People begin to wish that you were one of the writers that went on strike.

Ah who am I kidding? Top 10s suck.

There is, Somehow, One Florida Panthers Fan

But she isn't there for the hockey anyway.

h/t FanHouse
Image (C) Getty Images

Monday, December 24, 2007

Your Obligatory Year End Extravaganza

Google image searching "Dick Clark" is a bad, bad idea.

Well, it's about this time of year that everyone and their dog is doing some sort of a "year-end recap" or a "best of 2007" shindig. Not to be left out of any popular trend, BMR is going to go down the same path. YOYEE, the worst acronym ever, or Your Obligatory Year End Extravaganza as it can also be called, is going to be my effort to recap all the fun things that happened around here in 2007. We're only about 8 months and 300 something posts old, but there's certainly some good stuff there. At least I'd hope so.

Anyway, here is where you come in. Either leave in the comments, or email me (melroserocks[at]gmail[dot]com) your favorite posts of 2007. Whatever you liked, for whatever reason, send it in and hopefully we will, you know, get enough submissions so that this is something that can actually be tallied up and unveiled down the line. So have at it! Feel free to peruse the archives and labels as you like. There's also a handy little search box on the left side if you're looking for something in particular.

YOYEE is in no way endorsed or acknowledge by Dick Clark. Rockin' and/or rollin' totally is, though. Dude.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Story Time: Bettman and Project G

Somewhere deep inside NHL HQ, Mr. Bettman sits behind a rich mahogany desk, petting his large, dark eyed cat. It is appropriately named "99" after the greatest scorer the league has ever known. The office is dark, except for a lamp on Bettman's desk and a TV, which is showing a replay of Marian Gaborik's five goal game. Bettman is pouring through the video tape, celebrating the achievements of his long troublesome secret robot goal scoring agent, Project G.

An artist's rendering of GB.
(C) Cartoon Network/Adult Swim

GB: Haha! Look at this 99! We have finally succeeded! Soon all will know hockey as the greatest sport on Earth. All will be mesmerized by it's abundance of goal scoring! Finally, all of our patience and persistence will have paid off!!

*99 purrs affectionately*

GB: Yes, we had tried for so long and failed so many times. There was Project 88 and Project Reebok. And who could forget Project Daigle? He was supposed to be the one who brought us back to the glory of the 1980s. There was always a concussion or malfunction of some kind to set us back. But we may have finally found a break through. Project G!

Project G was thought to be a lost cause, with so many groin malfunctions and what not. We worked so long and hard to create a perfect scorer for the post-lockout NHL. His physique was perfect along with an uncanny scoring touch and speed. All that happened though was injury after injury.

But look at this tape, 99! It's magnificent! Five goals in one game?! It's been 11 long, painful years.

*GB forwards through the video, mesmerized by the scoring and convinced that the NHL has finally turned the corner*

Finally!! We will soon return to the glory days of the 1980s! Project G will continue it's dominance of the NHL, while no one has the slightest idea that it is a machine and not a man. MWUAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

*As the video concludes, Gaborik tweaks its groin while being carried off the ice by jubilant teammates. GB sits in stunned silence, while buzzers go off in the background, indicating a malfunction.*

GB: Aw, come onnnnnnn. You have got to be kidding me.

*pages secretary on phone*

GB: Maria, tell Project Penguin Take Over to turn it up a notch. And get me some scotch.

Announcing BMR's First Live Blog

The plan is to use cardboard cutouts instead of actual players. Images

Live blogging is something that I've been meaning to do for a while, and what a better time to do it than while you're all hung over on New Year's Day? The NHL Winter Classic pits the Penguins against the Sabres at Ralph Wilson Stadium on January 1st, and I'll be enjoying the game from, you know, the comfort of my own home and blog. Care to join me for random blurbs and incoherent thoughts?

The game is at 1PM, that's 8AM Hawaiian, and there should hopefully be all kinds of nonsense in the comments. So if you're sick of college football, or flat out don't care about it, stop by New Year's Day and take in some hockey. And who knows what else.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Aaaaaaand We're Back

I'm finally back from Atlantic City, and the short summary of the trip was that it was a success. I actually won a poker tournament while I was there, so that was pretty cool, and finished up money on the trip. That's probably the most important thing. I imagine if I had come back down money I'd be trying to get all sorts of sponsors and things on the site to recoup the losses. That would have been bad, since it would have been crappy sponsors. Ever see the infomercials for "miracle spring water" or "miracle hankercheifs?" Yeah. Not a good scene to imagine.

First off, I'd like to give a big thanks to everyone who held the fort down this week... Sean from Going Five Hole, the guys from the Pens Blog (biggest blog free agent signing of the year right there), Ryan from the Victoria times and Loser Domi from her sort of self-titled Leafs blog. These are some great writers, and even better people. Many thanks to them.

Right now, I'm off to the Islanders/Capitals game at the Coliseum. The Isles are coming off a win over the Penguins in which they scored four goals for the first time since November 1st. Quite possibly the biggest waste of money I can find tonight. If I make it out alive, there will be an update later tonight, otherwise I'll talk to you tomorrow. There will definitely be something up early on Monday too, and I'll be taking off Tuesday for the big day. I know I just got back from vacation, but we will be on a normal schedule starting Wednesday. Promise. Have a safe and happy holidays everyone!

Friday, December 21, 2007

How the (pre-2004) Boston Red Sox Made Me a Better Leafs Fan

Right now, Kevin is on vacation in Atlantic City wasting countless sums of money at blackjack and poker tables. In the meantime, some of the best and brightest from the hockey blogosphere will keep things under control. Today, BMR is proud to introduce Loser Domi from The Wonderful World of Loser Domi as your linguistic overlord for the day, with a surprise guest to follow later.

When Kevin asked me to guest post here, I was stoked to say the least. Then I realized that I would have to actually write something more substantial than a picture of me holding a sign or YouTube videos.

Kevin mentioned in the email that he asked me because "The stuff on your blog is pretty neat, and it would be nice to get a pro-Leaf voice around here, if only for a day. lol" (thanks Kev, it means a bunch!) That line got me thinking about something that I've had in my back pocket for a while. Ahem:

How the (pre-2004) Boston Red Sox Made Me a Better Leafs Fan
By Loser Domi

Now I know what you're all thinking: "But baseball is slow and boring, Domi. What would that have to do with hockey?" I agree with you that baseball is slow, but bear with me—I work it all out. I'm not a baseball follower, but I consider myself a Red Sox fan simply out of respect for my grandfather, who died in 2006. He was a big fan of the Boston Red Sox, even though he slept through most of the games. He had an expression that went, "root for the Red Sox, but bet on the Yankees." After reflecting on that saying, I've come to a conclusion that it has a sense of healthy skepticism, humility and faith in it.

"Root for the Red Sox", that is to say that it would be great for the team to win and it would be a bright spot in a fan's day. However, "bet on the Yankees" suggests to me a self-realization that just because I support a team, it doesn't mean that team is the best right now. It's kind of like my post "The Realistic Fan"—just because I like the Leafs, it doesn't mean they are the best team. And, just because they aren't the best team, it doesn't mean that I don't like them.

I think that growing up in a region full of Red Sox fans pre-2004 helped steel me to be a Leafs fan. Hearing Habs and Senators fans taunt me about "1967! LEEFS SUCK LOLZ!!" doesn't faze me that much, mainly because I had to hear about eighty-six years between World Series for the Red Sox. Does it suck that the Cup hasn't come around in my life time? Hell yes. But that doesn't mean that it will never happen again.

I'm not sure if this is a Zen-type of thinking, mainly because my knowledge of Zen is skeletal at best. I suppose that if you wanted to, you could meticulously research any sports team and analyze their history, but it seems like a pointless exercise to me. Teams and players can change drastically in such a short matter of time as to make history a non-factor. A drastic change in your team can happen at any time—your star goalie could blow out his knee or a historically
under achiever can bloom into an unstoppable ass-kicking machine. Take, for example, Nik Antropov. At this time last season, I would have dismissed him as only good enough as a human speed bump. Now, he's one of the Leafs' better scorers (I'm too lazy right now to look
up the exact numbers.)

In a way, my grandpa's expression is kind of like the saying, "hope for the best, but prepare for the worst." It seems like a good plan for living in general and not just for sports. Yes, seeing the Leafs not win sucks like an Electrolux, but it isn't like I'm depending on them to put food on the table or anything like that. Then again when they win the Stanley Cup again—hopefully it doesn't take as long as the Red Sox did to win another World Series—I will be one happy Loser.

Whew! That was a long post! I feel like I should reward you guys for making it all the way through, like maybe with a picture of ice girls. Unfortunately, Toronto doesn't have ice girls. Instead, here's Inga Skaya, representing Canada in the Miss Universe pageant rockin' the Blue and White.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Ference Watch, 2007-08

Right now, Kevin is on vacation in Atlantic City wasting countless sums of money at blackjack and poker tables. In the meantime, some of the best and brightest from the hockey blogosphere will keep things under control. Today, BMR is proud to introduce Ryan from The Victoria Times as your linguistic overlord for the day.

Even Andrew Ference doesn't know if this is a current team photo
Boston Bruins via Flickr

One of the things I like best about hockey, outside of a well executed power play, a bone crushing hip check and Brian Engblom's hair is how crazy everything can get with little to no warning. Everything about the game can be wonderfully planned and organized, but then it takes one incident to make things go nuts. GMs are no different. This is about the time of year that they go batshit insane.

This is the time of the year when GMs decide their struggling team needs to be completely blown up, and they need to make a 13 player trade. It can totally change the course of the season, or it can lead to some strange looking sights, like this. Many people claim they can't see it coming when the trades start flying, but it's easy if you just know where to look. The NHL trading season doesn't truly begin until a Ference gets traded. Last year, Andrew was involved in a four player trade, in which he was dealt to Boston. Two of the previous three years, Brad was involved in multi-player deals. I'm not exactly sure why this seems to happen, but I imagine the conversation goes like this.
"This trade doesn't seem even quite yet..."
"Got any Ferences?"
"Sure do!" And then you have a done deal.

If you've ever played any version of an NHL game over the past few years, and simulated an entire season, but without fail, the Ferences are even traded in the virtual world, for Vladimir Orszagh or a third round draft pick. When even EA knows to program a trade into a video game for realism, it's time to call that player a journeyman. Where are the Ferences now? Andrew is still with the Bruins, believe it or not, while Brad is toiling in the Red Wings minor league circuit. He's a prime candidate to get traded this year, probably to the Preds. No reasoning there, it just seems right.

Of course, I would be remiss if I didn't warn you about some other good indicators of when the active trading season is about to commence. Think of them as honorary Ferences.
Doug Weight: Just traded to Anaheim. He's working on his lifetime Ference achievement award.
Wayne Primeau: On a "traded every other year" plan. This is an off year.
Any number of generic French Canadiens. Look out if more than three Chouinards Bouchards Belangers or any other French name you've heard but can't put a face to gets traded.
Anson Carter: Unfortuantely, he's playing in the Swiss leagues right now, but there's still a chance Kevin Lowe accidentally trades for him.

Keep an eye on the TSN transaction page so you can be fully warned if and when the trading season heats up.

Never fear. Kevin should be back tomorrow, so long as he hasn't won so much money that he feels the need to keep going, or he lost so much money that he couldn't pay for his hotel and got a Gary Roberts style beating.

BMR Turns 500

Right now, Kevin is on vacation in Atlantic City wasting countless sums of money at blackjack and poker tables. In the meantime, some of the best and brightest from the hockey blogosphere will keep things under control. Today, BMR is proud to introduce Ryan from The Victoria Times as your linguistic overlord for the day.

John M. Heller/Schultz images

Hi everyone, I'm Ryan. I'll have something a little more coherent this afternoon, but I was poking around and it appears that the last post was #500 for BMR (I think it counts unpublished posts too, but still. Any reason to drink champagne), which should not go unnoticed. How should we celebrate? I say we should celebrate the way everything here is celebrated. With Snoop and Gary Bettman.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

True Life: I Am A NHL Mascot

Right now, Kevin is on vacation in Atlantic City wasting countless sums of money at blackjack and poker tables. In the meantime, some of the best and brightest from the hockey blogosphere will keep things under control. Today, BMR is proud to introduce [Adam and Derek] from [The Pensblog] as your linguistic overlord for the day.


Huge thanks to Kevin for letting us do this today.
We'll wrap things up tonight with a recap of some NHL stuff.

In the meantime, we have no lives.


[<span class=


He's too busy posing for borderline homoerotic pictures to care if you're starting a forest fire somewhere.

[<span class=


The only pictures we could find of Sabertooth depicted him in the old uniforms.

[<span class=

( means "Hooray!" in French )

Youppi is a beast.
He's the only mascot in North American sports history to be the mascot for two different teams.
The Canadiens adopted him when the Expos left Montreal.

[<span class=


"That's gay"

[tor.<span class=


The old Maple Leafs Garden was on Carlton Street.
It looks like he's contemplating suicide.

[<span class=


One of the top 5 pictures on the internet.

[car.<span class=


A pig? What?
Some big wig for the Hurricanes made his fortune in the farming business.

[<span class=



[<span class=


Former mascot: Owen Hart

[<span class=


There are more recent pictures of Thunderbug, but we couldn't pass up this Mexican.

[<span class=


He's on loan from an arena football team.

[<span class=


Look out. It's a devil.

[pit.<span class=


Iceburgh played a pivotal role in the 1995 thriller Sudden Death.


[chi.<span class=


For the love of God, don't Google Image search "tommyhawk" with safesearch off.

[<span class=


What'd you expect?
Then again, what's the deal with an insect?
"Blue Jackets" is in reference to Civil War soldiers.

[<span class=


This is not so much a mascot as it is a prop.

Having an actual mascot wouldn't be feasible since no one goes to Red Wings games anymore.

[<span class=

It was either this or a picture of dustballs. But that is tacky.
Yeah, they're probably staying in Nashville, but it doesn't matter.

[<span class=


Solid. Name another mascot in sports that wears a suit.

[<span class=


The logical choice would have been Darkwing duck. Huge mistake.

[<span class=


Solid mascot. It is a shame the team it supports is so bad.

[<span class=


Janet Gretzky was turned down, so not bad for a second choice.

[<span class=


All business.

[<span class=


If your name is Harvey. You are a joke. Simple as that.
Harvey found himself in a controversy when Oilers coach MacTavish pulled his signature tongue out in frustration during a game.
Kevin Lowe offered the tongue a 2-year, $6-mill deal.

[col.<span class=


It kind of looks like that thing from the "Neverending Story."
You could really freak people out with that.


We are only using this picture because we want the courts to decide what happen here.


The following teams do not have mascots.
So we decided to give them one.

They can't afford one because Kevin Lowe is running the show.
A good choice would be the Exxon Valdez.

But why not try something different.
The Oilers mascot:

What an actor

Next up are the Dallas Stars.

No idea what this could be.
Maybe an EXIT sign, since they make early first-round exits each year.

Easy one here:

Gordon Bombay.

You have to ask yourself, would Emilio really turn this down?

Somewhere along the line, you'd think someone would have made a mascot for the Rangers.
There are so many places you could go with this.

But in the end...

Teddy Ruxpin beats out the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.

Do it

And last, and always least, the Flyers.
We assume no one in Philly thought of getting a mascot, because people don't think out there.

Since the Flyer organization is a joke...

Doink the Clown