Sunday, December 23, 2007

Story Time: Bettman and Project G

Somewhere deep inside NHL HQ, Mr. Bettman sits behind a rich mahogany desk, petting his large, dark eyed cat. It is appropriately named "99" after the greatest scorer the league has ever known. The office is dark, except for a lamp on Bettman's desk and a TV, which is showing a replay of Marian Gaborik's five goal game. Bettman is pouring through the video tape, celebrating the achievements of his long troublesome secret robot goal scoring agent, Project G.

An artist's rendering of GB.
(C) Cartoon Network/Adult Swim

GB: Haha! Look at this 99! We have finally succeeded! Soon all will know hockey as the greatest sport on Earth. All will be mesmerized by it's abundance of goal scoring! Finally, all of our patience and persistence will have paid off!!

*99 purrs affectionately*

GB: Yes, we had tried for so long and failed so many times. There was Project 88 and Project Reebok. And who could forget Project Daigle? He was supposed to be the one who brought us back to the glory of the 1980s. There was always a concussion or malfunction of some kind to set us back. But we may have finally found a break through. Project G!

Project G was thought to be a lost cause, with so many groin malfunctions and what not. We worked so long and hard to create a perfect scorer for the post-lockout NHL. His physique was perfect along with an uncanny scoring touch and speed. All that happened though was injury after injury.

But look at this tape, 99! It's magnificent! Five goals in one game?! It's been 11 long, painful years.

*GB forwards through the video, mesmerized by the scoring and convinced that the NHL has finally turned the corner*

Finally!! We will soon return to the glory days of the 1980s! Project G will continue it's dominance of the NHL, while no one has the slightest idea that it is a machine and not a man. MWUAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

*As the video concludes, Gaborik tweaks its groin while being carried off the ice by jubilant teammates. GB sits in stunned silence, while buzzers go off in the background, indicating a malfunction.*

GB: Aw, come onnnnnnn. You have got to be kidding me.

*pages secretary on phone*

GB: Maria, tell Project Penguin Take Over to turn it up a notch. And get me some scotch.


  1. I still say Gaborik is an agent of the Slovakian government.

    /shameless plug

  2. Have you ever heard of the film "Bon cop Bad Cop"? It's about a serial killer who targets pro hockey type people. It features a character called "Gary Buttman" who is the comissioner of the pro hockey league. I found it to be great fun.