Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Power Ranking the Puck Daddy Bettman Photoshop Contest


So that whole Bettman Photoshop Contest over at the House Wyshynski Built is making a big hubbub. It's a hullabaloo, you might say. The internet isn't exactly on fire, but it's certainly smoldering... Hell, the whole thing is starting to turn into one big community hug for the hockey blogosphere. That's something we can get behind. But not in that way.


In an effort to inject some fun into a relatively boring month, I've officially reached a new low. July is so boring... So boring in fact that I'm doing power rankings for a photoshop contest. Wow. You might want to reconsider your bookmark of this website after reading through this. It's only fair that I warn you.

But here we go. Over the last week or so, Greg has given us a peek at many of the entries. Today, we pull out the shotgun and go on a power trip. It's pointless power rankings time!!!

9. Things You Can't Unsee
The first photoshops on our countdown are those that are painful to the eye. Like when you put Bettman's face on Marilyn Monroe. That can scar multiple generations of readers. Not only am I horrified, but it's likely that my father and grandfather would have a similar reaction. Give credit where credit is due though, it's not easy to simultaneously scar three generations... Lara "Gary" Croft also may apply to this category.

8. Borderline Offensive Entries
There's a fine line between hilarity and antisemitism. I have no idea on which side of that line Moses-Bettman leading pixelated Jews across the Red Sea falls. I think it gets a pass because it was crafted using MS Paint. It's hard to hate on anything that comes out of a program like that.

7. Those Lacking Originality
I thought my Napolean entry was pretty slick (Hey! Gary's short and power hungry too!). That is, until at least 300 other people sent in the same thing. Maybe if I had spent more than 10 minutes on it, I would not have had that problem.

6. Smoke Pot and Photoshop
A technique that, when done right, can be very effective.

5. Picture a Legend
Somehow I can't imagine that Bobby Orr or Mario Lemiuex would smile if they saw these pictures. That doesn't mean they're bad, though. They're ballsy and certainly fit the criteria of heroism. Solid entries, indeed.

4. Give the Judges Their Comeuppance
Maybe they'll pick it out of humility or maybe because it is downright hilarious. Either way there's no better way to enter a contest than by stickin' it to the man. Or just picturing an alternate universe where Bettman is editor of a Yahoo! Sports blog. Props to JP.

3. Slick Pop Culture References
There's nothing better than a slick, cheeky reference to pop culture. Gary Bettman as Chris Hansen from To Catch a Predator is the perfect example of this at work.

GB: "Eddie Belfour just... Just have a seat. Now can I ask why you took of your shirt, yelled 'I'm a bad muthafucka' and brought a six pack to practice today?"

Anyone who pictured Bettman slaying thousands of Persians also qualifies.

2. Pop Culture References That are a Bit More Obscure
While those pop culture reference can be slick, you may have been one of the daring ones. You may have gone with an obscure pop culture reference. While it can be risky, the reward can be big. You never know, this might be the perfect time to throw out a Power Rangers photoshop. But if you're too obscure, no one's going to get it so you must proceed with caution.

1. You Really Can't Go Wrong with a Safe Bet
The Matrix. Or Star Wars. Or Scarface. That's a quick way to get your butt into the finals. Gary Bettman with a rifle in his hands is too good to pass up. Now if only someone would make him into Batman or the Joker.


  1. My Bettman as Illidan hasn't made the cut. But I kinda figured that. Though it is full or epicness and win.

  2. I don't know why, but I am loving the new catchphrase of Summer 08 "Go For It, Jews". That's a winner in my book.

  3. Uh, that's not a Power Ranger. That's ULTRAMAN!

  4. All the awesomeness makes me wish I had photoshopped something instead of drawing something that only vaguely looks like Bettman.

    "Go For It, Jews" is a winner, hands down. Love it.

  5. That Matrix one looks like Phil Hellmuth - which is pretty darn funny in its own right.

  6. 6. Smoke Pot and Photoshop

    I also ate sesame chicken and a Mandrax.

  7. Bettman as Illidan? This makes me sad I can't see the damned picture. Stupid web browsers randomly hiding pictures.

  8. I can assure you that "Go For It, Jews" was not intended to be the least bit anti-semitic.

  9. It's Ultraman, not the Power Rangers!

    I see a generation gap, though, Mr. '05.


  10. Jesus, now I'm really pathetic. I'm reading a hockey blog in July thinking to myself "Oh man, Bettman as Illidan FTW!"

    We all need to go outside more.

  11. I love the all the variation you can do with photoshop. There are websides which distort things how ever I found I side that presented a great houses and when visit the place I convenced me that was real. In fact I decided to approach the costa rica investment opportunities and buy a beautiful house there.