Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Coach-O-Meter 3000: New Threat Level STAMKOS

All night, the scientists at the BMR Institute have been intently watching and re-watching tonight's Lightning/Thrashers game, analyzing and dissecting Coach Melrose's first win.

If you didn't catch the game tonight (i.e. most of us), the Lightning won 3-2 on overtime, but not before they surrendered a 2-0 third period lead that included a Thrasher goal from Todd White with under a minute to go. But all's well that ends well, as Vinny Lecavalier scored 1:46 into the overtime period to put the Bolts and Melrose in the win column for the first time this season.

Anyway, back to the scientific stuff. Given the nature of the win -- you know, almost blowing it to Atlanta before finally deciding that Melrose should escape a Bob Hartley style execution -- the scientists in the lab tell me that they have had to add a new threat level to the Barry Melrose Coach-O-Meter 3000: STAMKOS. They had to do it in a hurry since I requested a full report from them following the game, so they didn't get a chance to make it all nice and purty, but it's there.

After much deliberation, the scientists decided that Melrose is not safe enough to be downgraded to LECAVALIER while his first win should temporarily rid him of the RICHARDS level. Due to both of those sentiments, they have decided that a new, middle ground needed to be created. This is how the scientists have described this new level to me:

"STAMKOS: You still have a job, and things are looking up, but you're not off the hook yet. You have to prove that you can get by on more than charm and good looks."
There you have it, folks. Today, you can relax on your drive to work but be warned, we are not out of the woods yet. Another five-game losing streak and we're on the fast track to KOULES. And you don't want that kind of firestorm in your lives, do you? Maybe you do. Sick bastards.

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