New Jersey Devils Declare Open Season on Their Defense

NOTICE TO EASTERN CONFERENCE TEAMS

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

AP

(Newark, NJ) -- Today, November 4th, the New Jersey Devils are proud to announce an unprecedented offer to any and all NHL teams located in the Eastern Conference. The Devils are declaring open season on their defense and free points in the standings in exchange for a higher drafting position.*

Due to unforeseen goaltending complications, the Devils have declared a sale on all defensive aspects of their game. Everything must go! Yes, for the low, low price of higher drafting position you can be the proud recipient of extra offense if your team is scheduled to play the Devils during the remainder of the season.

During a press conference earlier today at The Rock, Devils GM Lou Lamoriello commented on his team's unprecedented offer.

"Let's face it, our season is now in jeopardy," Lamoriello said while addressing the local press. "We had two options here. Either we could struggle our way through the year and probably fall short anyway, or we can cut our losses and get out now. We chose the latter."

Lamoriello went on to say that the offer will not be valid for the New York Rangers and Islanders. When asked why that was he told them to "suck it" and that "they will have to earn their points the old fashioned way." And as a final act of vengeance, he randomly fired three staff members.

* - Offer not valid in New York City or Long Island.