The Coach Incompetence Advisory System: Post-Hanlon Edition

Awhile back I unveiled the Coach Incompetence Advisory System, as a public service to all the folks out there in our great nation. Now, more than ever, we must be vigilant and aware of what is going on in the world around us. We cannot walk around waiting for the next NHL coach to get the axe. We must take action! Our national security depends on it! We must be vigilant and stand up for our right to have inconsequential water cooler talk during coach firing season! To terrify inform you, I have devised a color-coded system which will help guide you in this time of need. The detailed breakdown of each threat level can be seen here.

Anyway. On to the water cooler talk.

Before the season, I took a look at the coaches who were on the hot seat to begin with. All of those guys still have their jobs, while other folks have lost their jobs since then. Atlanta and Washington have both made coaching changes, in part because of poor starts, by getting rid of Bob Hartley and Glen Hanlon respectively. Being that we're a few months into this darned thing called the regular season, it's probably about time we took another look at whom will be getting hit by the proverbial axe and whom is safe for the time being.

Paul Maurice, Toronto Maple Leafs

WARNING: Threat level upgraded to Lamoriello

Maurice started the season at "Lewis" thanks to missing out on the playoffs last season. In the first two months this year, things have gone much worse than expected in Toronto, forcing me to upgrade the situation to the highest threat level, "Lamoriello." The Maple Leafs are 3-5-2 in their last 10 games and find themselves 10th in the Eastern Conference standings. To add to that, they've surrendered the most goals in the entire NHL. Maurice bought himself some time by beating the rival Ottawa Senators 3-0 on Saturday night, but things aren't looking good. Their upcoming schedule provides the team a break, as all but one of their next six games are against teams ranked 8th or lower in their conference. If the Leafs stumble through this stretch, I wouldn't be surprised to see management cut Maurice loose in the hopes that a fresh face can salvage the season.

Brent Sutter, New Jersey Devils

WARNING: Threat level upgraded to Keenan

My gut tells me that Sutter is going to get a fair shake in New Jersey. He seems like a smart enough guy so that he wouldn't come all the way across the continent for anything less. On the other hand, my brain tells me that I can't ignore the facts. (1) The Devils are horrid and currently share 12 place in the East and the Atlantic Division basement with the Penguins. (2) They're a meager 3-4-0 at home and, oh yeah, (3) Lou Lamoriello is still in charge. RIght now I imagine that Lou's trigger finger would itch less if he took a bath in itching powder.

Wayne Gretzky, Phoenix Coyotes

WARNING: Threat level upgraded to Keenan

At some point, someone is going to have to take the fall for the failure that is the Phoenix Coyotes. Once again the Coyotes find themselves in the early hunt for a lottery pick, holding up the 13th spot in the West. It's hard to think they would fire The Great One, but there's no bones about the fact that he hasn't gotten results. In his defense, he hasn't been given much to work with either.

Craig McTavish, Edmonton Oilers

Threat level: Milbury

McTavish is in his eighth year as Oilers head coach and the second year of a four year contract. Despite the Oilers' abysmal play, I don't think his job is in serious jeopardy unless something comes down from the top of the organization. McTavish still has two years left on his contract, and with GM Kevin Lowe getting a contract extension in the off-season, Lowe isn't likely to pull the trigger himself. This isn't a team that's vastly underachieving, either. They were supposed to be bad this year. For now, McTavish's job is safe.

Michel Therrien, Pittsburgh Penguins

Threat level: Lamoriello

Therrien is in his third season behind the bench in Pittsbugh (second full season), and the Penguins are, unlike the Oilers, vastly underachieving. Last year, this team finished 5th in the East and three points away from a division title. Right now, they share the Atlantic's basement with New Jersey and are 12th in the conference. They had a big win tonight against the Ottawa Senators in a shootout, but had been 2-8-1 during the previous ten games. All this is coming with a roster that is virtually identical to last season's roster. What's the worst part about all this for Therrien? The Penguins have a long history of having a short leash with coaches, and Therrien is at about the same point that his predecessors Ed Olczyk and Rick Kehoe were let go. This may happen in a matter of weeks, but if the Pens continue to slide, it will only be a matter of days.

The Coach Incompetence Advisory System: Pre-Season Edition

Here at Barry Melrose Rocks, it's all about you, the reader. If you're happy, then I'm happy. It's really that simple. Come on! Group hug!

OK... Anyway... To keep you safe -- so that you can enjoy said happiness, of course -- I am proud to introduce to you the NHL Coach Incompetence Advisory System. It will serve to warn you about and help protect you from incompetence behind the bench of your favorite NHL team. Not only that, but it will also be a fun way to discuss who is going to win this year's Pink Slip Award for being the first coach fired during the 2007-08 season.

As you already know, NHL front offices have the quickest trigger fingers this side of the National Rifle Association, at least when it comes to firing head coaches. In fact, in many places (I'm looking at you New Jersey) it's a significant rite of passage to complete a single season behind an NHL bench. As NHL coaches know all too well, 82 games behind the bench and a division title one year is no guarantee that you will have a job the next year.

In an attempt to make you feel safer and more secure as you go about your daily life and while you are attending hockey games this winter, I'm proud to present to you the NHL Coach Incompetence Advisory System. Nation, as coach firing season approaches us yet again, we must be vigilant! This is no time for complacency or indifference. Now, more than ever, we must be aware of which NHL coaches are on the hot seat. Our national security depends on it! To terrify inform you, I have devised a color-coded system which will help guide you in this time of need. Here's the breakdown:

Threat Level: Lamoriello

Firing is imminent. Coaches that are noted as being on the "Lamoriello" threat level pose a serious threat to their team as well as national security, and will likely be fired soon regardless of their past successes with the club and their team's current position in the standings. At a heightened state of "Lamoriello", no coach is safe.

Threat Level: Keenan

The firing of a coach ranked at a "Keenan" threat level is very likely. These coaches will last longer than "Lamoriello" ranked coaches, but make no mistake about it, they are still very dangerous. "Keenan" coaches are cunning during the interview process, but that is where their wits end. Fans and front office personnel alike are quick to catch on to their schemes, and tire of their shenanigans easily. When a coach reaches the heightened state of a "Keenan" threat level, they will likely need only one slip up or losing streak to get bounced.

Threat Level: Lewis

Coaches in the "Lewis" threat level may be there for a variety of reasons. For one, they may be there simply because their hiring in the first place was mind numbing, and even before the season began the fan base was upset. Additionally, they could be coaches who are good at what they do, but have fallen on a streak of bad luck. The bad luck can be due to a number of factors including; massive team injuries, a long losing streak to begin a season, general unrest surrounding the team that has lingered for years due to a recent playoff drought (see: Toronto, Montreal).

Threat Level: Milbury

Those persons ranked in the "Milbury" threat level are the most cunning bench bosses, and therefore the most dangerous. They may be ranked here simply because they are a good coach who has not been given a deserved contract extension or, more likely, they are a coach who has tricked upper management into thinking that they are a good coach. In the case of the latter, the fan base can see right through the bull shit that the coach is throwing, but is absolutely helpless against it. The fan base can only live with the blindness of upper management, and can only hope that the franchise survives the coach's hapless tenure in one piece.

Threat Level: Bowman

This threat level is a simple one; there should be no questioning of coaches ranked here. They are good at what they do and are potentially legendary. Leave them alone so they can do their job and lead the team to glory.

Throughout the year, I'll keep you updated as coaches move up and down the NCIAS. Even though it's very early in the year, there is still the threat of a coach firing in the NHL. We must be prepared! To get you ready for the regular season, here are a few coaches who are beginning the season on the hot seat (in no specific order).

Coach: Paul Maurice

Team: Toronto Maple Leafs

Threat Level: Lewis

Prior to Pat Quinn's tenure, the Leafs had a nasty habit of firing coaches after only a year or two at the helm. Maurice's Leafs missed the playoffs by the skin of their teeth last season to, of all teams, the Islanders and that wound is still stinging. Some salt was poured on the wound after the Senators made a spectacular run to the playoffs last spring. Additionally, the Toronto media will likely eat up the team if they start poorly, after acquiring Jason Blake and Vesa Toskala. This team should surely be better than the 2006-07 edition, and if they falter in the first half and find themselves on the outside of the playoff picture, prepare for a shake up. For the moment, Maurice's job is more than safe.

Coach: Brent Sutter

Team: New Jersey Devils

Threat Level: Lewis

The situation in New Jersey will be an interesting one to watch. This team will not challenge for the Atlantic division title, but should easily find themselves in the playoff hunt. Much like the Leafs, if the team falters there could be turnover. I know it's Brent Sutter's first season behind the bench, but remember, Lou Lamoriello is in charge.

Coach: Mike Keenan

Team: Calgary Flames

Threat Level: Keenan

I shouldn't have to explain this one.

Coach: Wayne Gretzky

Team: Phoenix Coyotes

Threat Level: Lewis

This is the Great One's third season behind the bench in Phoenix, and the team has averaged only 74 points per season during the first two years. It's going to be a tall order to fire the greatest player to ever play the game of hockey, but if the 'Yotes find themselves in the cellar this spring, some one is going to have to take the fall.