Minnesota Saves the Universe from Imminent Destruction

Brian Rolston puts on his best "epic battle" face. Scott A. Schneider/Getty Images

Sunday night a match of epic proportions took place in the city of St. Paul, Minnesota. The Inhuman Destroyer of Nations That Is Paul Stastny collided with what is currently the only other force in the universe that I consider unstoppable; the Minnesota Wild.

What ensued can only be accurately described as a battle for the universe that makes Transformers the Movie and any Star Wars flick pale in comparison. No folks, this was the real deal. This was a real life Superman colliding with a group of individuals that represent all that is wrong with the world (but that's only if you ask Gary Bettman's opinion, of course).

For those regular readers around here, you don't need to be reminded about any of that. You know the high regard in which these two forces of cataclysmic proportions are held.

Thankfully for all of us, the question that has been asked by many, many generations dating back to about two weeks ago, has finally been answered.

Coach Ditka versus a hurricane; who would win?

Oh, no wait.

In an epic battle for the universe between Paul Stastny and the Minnesota Wild, who would win?

Yeah. That's the question I was looking for.

Folks, today we can all take a deep sigh of relief. The Inhuman Destroyer of Nations That Is Paul Stastny has been stopped, and the universe was left almost totally intact! That's really an added bonus. This was a battle that was not easily won or lost. Facing a 2-2 tie heading into the third period, the outcome was in doubt and many were left fearing that the Battle for the Universe would be left up to the outcome of a shootout. Heaven forbid.

In the final period, the Wild would prevail thanks to a shot that was like a bolt of lightning thrown down from the sky by a force we cannot even conceive. Thus, the fate of the universe was decided on the powerful stick of one Mikko Koivu. A thousand generations from now, all will know the name Koivu and that on this night, it was his stick blade that rained like lava from the volcanoes of hell! It was he who had slain the Mighty Stastny!

Synopsis: The Wild remained undefeated and held Paul Stastny scoreless in the process.