Thursday, August 14, 2008

EA Sports Releases 2009 NHL Blogger Ratings

Big news for the blogging world today. Here at BMR, we have an exclusive look at EA Sports' attribute ratings for their much anticipated upcoming release, Hockey Blogging '09. Thanks to a source deep inside EA's headquarters, I am proud to be the first and only blogger to give you these numbers. It's a big deal and hockey bloggers are kind of a big deal. San Diego.
So, I figure you probably want an explanation on how EA came up with these numbers. Well, I'm glad you asked because I'm just going to make some shit up and continue to pretend that all of this did not come out of one of my lower orifices. Here's the methodology to EA's blogger rating madness.

Offensive Awareness (OWAR) - Mirtle, the second coming of hockey blogging pulls up with the big 99 in this category. He can put the puck in the net like nobody's business.

Deking (DEK) - Again, when it comes to being offensively gifted, Mirtle's the boss. The boys at the Pensblog have great offensive gifts as well, but their ability to break your ankles leaves a bit to be desired.

Checking (CHK) - Who can lower the boom? That's the question addressed by this category. No one tells the truth like the EMacAttack and the PensBlog boys. Whether or not you agree with them, you have to admit that they can really throw a hip check.

Agility (AGL) - As you can see, not very many hockey bloggers are agile. Their fingers can move fast, but when it comes to everything else, it's not a pretty sight. Long hours spent in front of the computer doesn't do anything to improve your agility.

Passing (PAS) - This is something almost all bloggers are great out. They can dish and give the puck to a playmaker. When it comes to passing links, there are a lot of All-Stars out there. But special mention goes to the folks at Kukla's, they are the current world record holders when it comes to passing. Wyshynski, Mirtle and Pensblog all get honorable mentions.

Acceleration (ACC) - I have no clue how acceleration can apply to blogging. Neither did EA. Everyone scores a 90.

Defensive Awareness (DAWR) - Who can take the heat? Who can take a lickin' and keep on tickin'? For that, you've got to go to the three headed monster of Mirtle-McErlain-Wyshynski. It's a top line that rivals any other blogospheres have to offer. That being said, most bloggers are born with great DAWR. Everyone came up big here.

Other notes - Sean Leahy gets almost all 90s because the kid is solid all across the board. Scouts have yet to find a flaw in him.

So there you have it, folks. It's an All-Star lineup this year from California to DC and everyone in between. I don't know about you, but I can't wait to play HB '09 on my XBOX. It's going to be ballin!


  1. Only an 88 on checking, you are certainly higher than that!

    Any Bo Jackson category: taking a commentary track on a long convoluted path until turning it around and scoring with a great take on secondary assists?

  2. Nice list. BoC looks pretty good for that Blogger Selke! :)

  3. Jeez, gotta work on that agility rating.

    Maybe you've seen me skate?

  4. Am I really the second-least offensive guy out there? I'll have to work on that...

  5. Only a 94 on Checking? We asked someone to sodomize Mrs. Bettman! What do we have to do, call every Red Wings fan a bandwagon jumper?

  6. Very well done Schultzie.
    It's always good to have something to shoot for.
    Very impressed,

  7. I don't understand, what does these ratings give? Was there a contest?