Barry Melrose Has Been Informed of Our Existence

This is the kind of thing you never really thought would happen, but inevitably does most of the time. Thanks to a reader tip from Ricky H (you guys might as well just write the site yourselves these days) it turns out the Man, the Legend now knows about out feeble Blogspot existence.

If you take a listen to the last couple of minutes of Melrose's podcast from the other day, it's there.

Melrose co-hosts a weekly podcast on ESPN.com with Joy Russo. I don't get a chance to listen to it most of the time, since a) I don't have the required attention span and b) I don't have the time. Really, you'd be surprised how hard it can be to spare 22 minutes. But you know me, I still think the guy is straight ballin' cool as hell and catch his gig on Sportscenter whenever I can.

I would like the be the first to formally welcome our new ESPN podcasting overlords! Barry, if you're reading, we come in peace! Our only goals are to make random hockey jokes and it point out every time Mark Messier cries in public. Every once in a while we actually piece together some coherent thoughts, but other than that, we're basically harmless. Oh and keep up the good work. We're those positive people you talk about. Not those haters. I didn't even realize there were BM haters, but that shows how much I know.

A Handy Guide for Beginners: How to Look Tough

How to look tough as nails:

(Scott Parker, Nashville Predators)

How to look like you're going to get eaten by the guy who is tough as nails:

(Johan Holmqvist, Dallas Stars)

In review:

Looking like you're about to beat the snot out of me = good.

Looking like Clay Aiken = bad.

Your Obligatory, Yet Unbelieveably Late, Trade Deadline Post

GreetingsIsland.com

We're way past the point of late trade deadline coverage now. This is belated. Sort of like when you get a birthday card from a relative a month after the fact. The early part of my week is always the busiest, so other obligations (you know, life) kept me from hanging out around here more. I'd rather be here, but what can ya do?

Anyway, some thoughts on the trade deadline. There's so much to go through so here goes in no particular order.

Best news of the day by far: Jiri Fischer returns to the ice for the first time. Not in an NHL uniform, but awesome nonetheless.

John Buccigross, as much as I love him, may have finally gone off the deep end. I get nuts from time to time. You could call it fucking crazy if you like... But otters? Otters. (Say that in the Jim Mora "playoffs?!" voice)

Four Otters: Great deal! Well done! Your team is better. (Or could be.)
Three Otters: Good deal. Fans should like it.
Two Otters: Nothing great. Might have some upside.
One Otter: What were they thinking? You cannot be serious!

Four Habs Fans gets my nomination for post of the day.

I'm about ready to hand the Atlantic title over to Pittsburgh.

John Paddock is out in Ottawa. That's what getting spanked by the Leafs will do to ya. JFJ has no comment.

The Sharks got the reddest beard this side of Ireland.

And it's late and I'm tired. This was not a good effort on my part. I'm sorry.

If You Had Any Questions About James Mirtle's Commitment to Blogging...

Pensblog Storeblog

Consider them dead. Killed to death, if you will (Fox News joke). The man, the legend posted 38 times on his blog since 12:00 am Tuesday morning. The numbers could increase, too. Today isn't even over yet (offer not valid for anyone living east of Madrid, Spain).

Ladies and gentleman, that is commitment to your work. If only we all worked so hard, the world would be a much different place. Forget cancer, we would have cured death by now. We would also be horribly over populated. But I digress.

The point is, kudos to Mirtle on some awesome trade deadline coverage. And for setting a world speed blogging record. Dr. James, indeed.

It's the Most Wonderful Day of the Year (Maybe)

Place your bets on who is going to cry this year... metronews.ca

Happy deadline day everyone!

I'll be in and out today, but if anything goes down I'll do my best to get something up about it in this post... Feel free to hangout and go nuts in the comments.

For now, Ross McKeon is starting us off with some Southeast teams that may be looking to deal their big guns.

Stars reaching for Richards; Habs zero in on Hossa (Yahoo)

And be sure to place your bets on who is going to cry this year!

Well there's a lot of movement. Brad Richards, Cristobal Huet, your mom. Check out all the action with TSN's trade tracker and more in depth coverage at FanHouse. Illegal Curve's got the live blogaction.

This Week In: "Oh $%#$, We Messed Up"

punkwave.it

It's been a while since we had one of these, and I'd say we're about due. First off, as today's news showed I obviously mislead all of you when I uncovered Peter Forsberg's letter to the NHL last week. I'm still standing by the combination of a Russian and Swedish accent though. And the picture of ABBA. But the rest... All made up. Complete blasphemy. There you have it, the cat is out of the bag. But there is still no proof that he can read and write English. I mean, I'm sure he can. I'm just one of those people who believes things when they see it (closed minded, I know).

Hey my imagination, you messed up.

The other news of the day, which was captured perfectly by Way Offside, is that Mats Sundin announced that he has no intention of letting the Leafs trade him (as per his no trade clause). The Leafs responded by going out and beating the Senators 5-0. The Sens, who were once way out there, have now been caught by the Devils and are in 2nd place in the East. They're only down by a point, but it's certainly worrisome for a team that was seven points out as recently as January 20th. The worst news though may be that the Habs are now only three points back in the divisional race.

Hey Ottawa, you need to stop messing up and get your act together!


Yahoo! Sports, who I enjoy dearly, had a nice little gaffe after the Penguins/Sharks game yesterday. The Sharks won the game 2-1 in a shootout with good ol' JR scoring the winner during the skills competition (where the hell has he been, anyway?). See if you can spot what's wrong with this headline... via Pensblog. Clearly there's a Pittsburgh bias going on there. But that's probably a good thing for you folks who, at the current moment, appear to be 16% Pens fans. At least thats what the poll tells me.

Hey Yahoo!, next time you do that make sure that you know how to change the actual outcome of the game, too.

A Very Unscientific Study

george-bush-pics.com

Today, you all have some homework to do. Nothing hard, I promise. If you could just take a moment to vote on the poll that is on the left sidebar of the site, I would really appreciate it. This is really for nothing more than my own curiosity, but I was wondering which teams' fans hang around here and which don't. I have some guesses, but it's not much more than that. I think my blatant east coast bias will factor in somewhat.

Anywho, if you could vote that would be great. There's even an option if you don't like hockey, but I'm not sure why you would be here in that case. I'll leave it up for a week and hopefully we can all learn a little about each other from it. No hanging chads or whatever they're called around here, though. Promise.

Sabres Fans, as it Turns Out, are Not Fans of Sean Avery

REUTERS/Gary Wiepert

It's hard to blame someone when they get upset about their team losing. We've all been there. It's part of sports, especially if you're a fan of certain teams. It's also hard to blame someone when they don't like Sean Avery. In fact, if you're one of those people, you could very well be in the majority. So, when Avery scored what would be the eventual game winner yesterday in Buffalo, Sabres fans in the stands were quick to react and did so in a fashion that is, I guess, pretty natural and expected given the circumstances.

You have to give them credit too, to react so quickly and in such large numbers is impressive. Imagine what it would be like if Brett Hull or Troy Aikman ever showed their face up there. They would be run out of town before their plane ever landed. Getting slightly off topic for a second, that's why it's probably not a smart move for the Bills to flirt with Toronto. I imagine Buffalonians would block the borders in at least the eastern half of the country to prove a point. I'm not slighting Buffalo either. It's one hell of a sports city and the NHL numbers on jersey sales, not to mention last year's playoff run, only help to drive home that point.

Gotta love the one person in the middle who decided to go with the classic "Loser's L" rather than flip the bird.

Thanks to reader and Rangers fan Mike R for sending these screen caps in. As it turns out, Rangers fans can put up with me but I imagine that it takes a lot of patience on certain days.

What it Looks Like When the MSM Tries This Blogging Thing

Is it me or does Ryan Getzlaf look drunk? AP/Karl B DeBlaker

As you probably know, more and more MSM reporters and beat writers are getting their own blogs. The newspapers are trying to cash in on the success of this whole blogging thing that's happening on this here series of tubes. They don't really get it, but they're trying. You have to give them credit for that.

But sometimes they take it a little too far. As FanHouse noted yesterday, the Atlanta Journal Constitution handed over a blog on their site about the Thrashers to Bill "Rawhide" Tiller. I can't seem to decipher if he's a fan or a so-called journalist that acts like one, because the website doesn't say. I honestly don't know. Either way, the most recent post is something that is actually and probably a little below the coherence level of your average run-of-the-mill blog. I know things get wacky around here, and wild at other points around the blogdome, but since when is there a voice in the MSM for the rabid, raving, incoherent rant? I'm all for giving anyone and everyone a voice -- if I didn't it would go against everything I am as a blogger -- but for backwoods message board drivel to come from under the umbrella of an actual, big time newspaper? That's a new one on me.

I don't really know what happened, but if this is what the MSM thinks blogs are about, then they missed the boat entirely. Hell, they missed the whole damned fleet. Please, have a look for yourself. This is in response to the Thrashers throwing out a couple of, let's say, lackluster efforts during the past week including the one that was previously mentioned on this blog against the Islanders.

But help me make some sense of this…

Thursday night you took the ice in Raleigh, North Carolina after having ONE HUNDRED AN SEVENTEEN HOURS OFF between games!!! Between this and the last game YOU played your opponents played TWO GAMES! And you guys STILL let up FORTY-SIX shots on the FREAKIN’ GOAL!!! Did you give up 20 in the first again? NO…YOU GAVE UP TWENTY-ONE!! The man who faced, and turned away, all 21 shots called it, “…a big joke”. Only…no one is laughing!

You gave up THREE %$#@! Shots LESS on Kari then you allowed the Islanders given NINETY-SIX more hours of rest!!! Hey…maybe if we give you a %$#@& MONTH off you can get it back down to, oh I dunno…THIRTY-FIVE??

To be fair, that's just an excerpt from the piece, but to be sure it does go on like this throughout most of it. And if you were wondering, the emphasis is not mine.

Again, I'm just amazed that something that a tirade that reads as if it is from a drunken fan in the bleachers found it's way onto a MSM website. Maybe they are getting more progressive? Perhaps. But hey, at least you can't knock the guy for, you know, being a serious fan. This kind of loyalty should be applauded. Maybe NEXT TIME... he won't be FORCED to fucking bleep himself the HELL OUT?! JUST a THougHT!! =) =P sajklDSFfhA()&*Q@#$*(HIO@!!@!@!

h/t Jes Golbez, FanHouse


Oh, and if you want an idea of how you should talk to your favorite after they lose a shitty game this would be a perfect example. But what do I know? I'm just a simple blogger.

Aaaaand That's All for This Week

Well, it was an interesting week. Chris Simon didn't kill anyone, but was booed by the home fans upon his return. Alex Ovechkin announced that he's dating a girl he met online. Lots of fun stuff that I didn't even get to mention around here.

But since this has basically been the week of YouTubes here at BMR, I figured what better way to end the week than with -- you guessed it -- more YouTubes. There were five in all, which doesn't sound like that much really, but when you factor in that I only do about a post per day, it's a lot. I promise to stop using YouTubes as a crutch next week. They're fun, but at the end of the day it's hard to say that I really accomplished anything. Actually, that's really what this site is about. Gigantic wastes of time that we enjoy nonetheless. Well, whatever.

There will actually be posts this weekend and next week we're really going to get things rolling as we get closer to the playoffs and deadline day. You can expect Lost: Episode 2 at some point next week and a mascot profile or two. Those are always fun. Heck, if we're lucky JR might even stop by. I was planning to semi-live blog deadline day, but prior obligations (such as real life) have taken precedence. Sad, I know. Well, that's all for now. See you tomorrow!

He Said What?

This is a few days old but it's the first I've come across it and I haven't seen anything posted elsewhere (edit: whoops). Apparently, Don Taylor of SportsNet had other things on his mind when he was doing highlights of Tuesday night's Leafs/BJs game.



Whoops. Nice... uh... save! Yes! That was the word I was looking for.

I'm pretty sure this is going to become a reoccurring dick joke for me. Maybe I'm immature, but this is the balls classic.

Chris Simon Returns Tonight -- Place Your Bets!!

A word of caution to Ryan Hollweg -- Chris Simon is back. CBS Sportsline

I know we all thought all the Islander related posts would be behind us after that seven game losing streak -- but they're not. And I'm sorry! Really, I am. But this is a good one. I promise.

So, Chris Simon returns from suspension tonight for the Islanders as they square off against the Bolts on Long Island. As you might expect, the Islanders website is mum on the subject save for this little blurb:

SIMON RETURNS TO THE LINEUP

Chris Simon will be in tonight's lineup when the Islanders host the Tampa Bay Lightning. Prior to missing the past 30 games, Simon was 1-2-3 in 26 games.

With Simon's return, Jeff Tambellini reported to Bridgeport, where he is the team's leading scorer with 28 goals. He has recorded one goal in 16 games with the Islanders this season.

In depth reporting, I know. But the main point to all my blathering is this -- how long will it be until Simon is suspended yet again? We all know it's like a 99% chance of happening. The guy has been suspended eight times for the love of Gaborik!

So what ya got?

I'll start the action by betting that he will be suspended again by March 3rd, which accounts for his first six games back.

Clarification: I'm talking about when (and I guess for the sake of fairness, if) his suspension comes down from the league. If he does something on the 3rd, but doesn't officially get suspended until the 5th, then I lose.

If you're looking for actual, intelligent coverage as opposed to betting on people's misfortunes, please head on over to Scotty Hockey.

And don't forget to leave your own bets in the comments!

It's Official - We are Now a Sports Blog

More videos from the "Burly Sports Show" channel at Burlysports.com

We made Blog Show folks. I guess that's kind of the mark in this world that signifies that we are all now officially engaging and participating in a real, live sports blog. I wasn't sure if this was real for a little while, but apparently we, and this blog, are. Let's have a party! Congratulations, folks... We made it!!! WOOOO!!! (Imagine a celebration like one that would occur on the Colbert Report. I would have one of my own, but the budget around here is a small one.) Oh and, skip to the -4:53 mark of the video if you want to see our 10 seconds of mild fame.

Or we could just do it like Kool and the Gang. That works too.

That's right. Two embedded videos in one post. I'm a rebel who doesn't play by the rules.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Habs rally from five down, top Rangers in SO to cap biggest rally in team history (ESPN)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH

Update: Everyday DeadSpin features the featured comment from ESPN.com (stay with me here) because they're so dumb and absurd. But today's, somehow, is rather poignant.

"It was like watching a car crash in slow motion in the third period. Beautiful." -- samurai39

(Re: Canadiens 6, Rangers 5)

The Many Faces of Wayne Gretzky

I was browsing through some photo galleries on Yahoo today, and it turns out that the AP did quite an interesting job of photographing yesterday's Coyotes game. They took a lot of pictures of 'Yotes coach Wayne Gretzky. I know it was his 100th win and all, but still. This is a little creepy. But the good (and important) news for all of us is that all of those pictures are HILARIOUS.

All photos, except one that is noted, are (C) Danny Moloshok of the AP. He's got to have a huge man crush on Wayne.


Alright, first up is the typical coach picture. He's thinking hard. He's watching the game with a serious intensity. The wheels upstairs are churning, if you will. Nothing to see here. Move right along. This one we'll call Serious Wayne.



HOLY BEJEEZUS!! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?! It looks like Wayne is trying to spew every demon from hell from his mouth and unleash them upon the zebras. If anyone needed nightmare fuel, you just got a Hulk Hogan-sized dose of it. Congratulations. This one we'll call Satan Worshiper Wayne.


Oh, man. Now this is the funny Gretz that we don't see to often. This is the guy that will buy you a couple drinks at the bar and right about now it looks like he smelt it and is looking for the person who dealt it. This one is 'I Smell Something Rank' Wayne.

Oh boy, he found 'em! "It was Peter Mueller!! I told you so! Get him, he's different!!"


"Oh, Mueller. You're such a silly bitch." (Trainer guy agrees.)

(C) Harry How/Getty Images

This final one may be the best of the bunch. Except for the satan worshiper one. It's Idiot Impersonator Wayne!

Wayne: "Oh man... Boys, look at the idiot over there trying to play net! His face gets all messed up when he makes a save. BAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Concerned Trainer Guy: "Um, Wayne. That's Bryzgalov. He's on our side."
Wayne: "BAHAHA! What a tart!"

Peter Forsberg Wants None of Your Petty "NHL"

That is one creepy picture. abbamikory.blogs.com

Peter Forsberg sits behind his desk, somewhere in Sweden, penning a letter to all the NHL teams that were interested in his services. Use your imagination to add a crossbred Russian/Swedish accent to the text. I don't know why he would have any kind of an accent that makes him sound Russian. Cause he's not Russian. That's how my mind works, though. So deal with it.

Dear NHL Teams,

It is I, Peter Forsberg. The sweet, sexy Swede that you have wanted to add to your squad since last summer. I wanted to let you know that I am no longer interested in attempting to play in your National League of Hockey this year. You have all been very nice to me, with your complimentary blackjack and hooker parties, but I am afraid that America still sucks my foot is still not healed enough to allow me to play in the NHL.

It is my first love that I cannot leave. My dear Sweden... With it's MODO, Elitserien and, I certainly cannot forget, ABBA. They love me here. And I love them. I'm like a god here after I won that gold medal in 1994. Did you see the celebrations? Of course you didn't because they were in Sweden. But believe me, they love me here. I don't know a lot about American culture, but I would compare myself to your Michael Jackson. Everyone loves Michael Jackson, right?

Don't worry, NHL. You'll be fine without me. Even the Flyers. OK, maybe not the Flyers, but the other 29 teams will be fine without me.

Yours truly,

Peter

Your Daily YouTube

Here's a pretty cool goal from Mike Comrie from last night. It's really not that impressive to us Islander fans, though. He tries to do this at least three times every game and the worst part is that, until now, it has never worked. I'm not kidding. Never. You can sort of pick up on that from when the announcer asks his colleague "doesn't that remind you of opening weekend in Buffalo?"

Ideas for Television Producers

My latest ramblings at the FanHouse... Reality TV, NHL Style

Your Frozen Fantasy Sport Update (The "Crap This is a Long Season" Edition)

It's mid-February and the NHL's regular season continues to chug right along. Along with it, go fantasy leagues like the two we have here at BMR. Here's a quick update on the current standings, and a look back to where the teams were last time we checked in.

Click on either image to see it full size...

Another Installment in the Continuing Saga of YouTubes that Will Never Cease to Amaze Us

Readers, have I told you lately that I loved you? Cause I do. Just not in that way. I love you but I'm not in love with you, if that makes sense. But I say this because you always send me the best emails.

By now you've probably seen it, and it's like oh my gawd totally worth seeing again. Like any good Ocean's movie (Yes, even Ocean's Twelve). Thanks to Bryce for sending in the video of Andrei Kostitstyn's goal from Saturday night. It's falling-while-scoring-tacular. And it's better when you watch it in French! I don't know how he's doing what he's doing and, the best part, I don't know what those noises are that are coming out of their mouths! (I'm American and therefore too lazy to learn other languages, you see.)

Obviously, this goal reminds us all of that "falling while pwning" goal Alex Ovechkin scored two years ago against the Coyotes while on his back. And, in following proper internet etiquette, I'm obligated to link to it in addition the comparison I just made.

But yes. This is impressive young padawan Canadien. Very impressive, indeed. Now if you could only learn to do that while levitating.

Impressive, Your Shot Total is Not

Um... What the hell?

Team		Shots on Goal
		1st	2nd	3rd	Total
Atlanta		4	2	4	10
NY Islanders		20	17	12	49

Am I reading this right or is Yahoo! Sports messing with me?

Just when you think they're dead in the water.

Another Great Quote Thanks to One of Bryan Murray's Orifices

RABLERABLERABLERABLE CP

So I'm a few days late on this one. Whoops. It's been a busy week, if you couldn't tell. But you've always got to wonder what's going through someone's mind when they say certain things. That leads me to announce to you that it's time for another look at the random spew that comes from Bryan Murray's mouth!

If you remember, the Sens and Canes made a trade last week. And in the wake that followed, well, Bryan Murray made it clear that he has something less than an affinity for Joe Corvo, one of the players involved in the deal. And yes, I'm talking about that Bryan Murray. The one who gave us a nice expletive laced tirade spring and will stomp out whiners at any cost.

“I don’t know whether it was the pressure or never having a life away from the building, but he felt that Joe would enjoy going to an American team,” Murray told the Ottawa Sun. “He wanted to play where there was less scrutiny. He just couldn’t handle the pressure here.

“People like to talk hockey here and they live hockey. They don’t talk (hockey) in Raleigh very much. He’ll probably thrive in that environment and I like guys who thrive under pressure.”

(This isn't the first time the Senators have played that somewhat-odd card. Ottawa coach John Paddock has repeatedly mentioned that Martin Gerber flourished in Carolina because "they only have one beat writer.")

I know, people say dumb things. American or Canadian, it really doesn't matter. Every race/nationality/breed of humans has some people that like to run their mouth. Idiocy does not discriminate. But what's the use of all this? There's no big rivalry between these teams. It's just some parting shots while Corvo gets on a plane to Carolina. Useless, useless and oh yeah, useless. Corvo at least had the mind to not get into a war of words with Murray.

“It’s hard to understand if you haven’t played in Canada,” Corvo said. “The media here at times can be completely ridiculous, the way they can take some of the stories that are nothing and make something out of them.”

Yup, that happens in cities all across the continent. From Tuscaloosa, Alabama where the only game in town is Crimson tide football to Ottawa, Ontario where the only game in town is the Sens. The media is ridiculous in both towns. The media can be ridiculous anywhere (Just ask John Ferguson Jr. or Alex Rodriguez.). There are ridiculous fans everywhere. Even in Raleigh.

That's why sports are popular. Because of the fanatics, whether that means media, fans or both. And yes Bryan, they do talk hockey in Raleigh. I've been there. I've seen it.

Atlanta Uses Reverse Psychology to Lure Fans to Games

The following pictures are safe for work (I think), but that doesn't make them any less creepy. Thanks to an industrious field reporter (or you can blame them, I'm not sure which) we've got an exclusive report on the Atlanta Thrasher's mascot, Thrash, from last night. Hide the kids. Lock the dog in the basement. This is about to get really ugly.

Apparently, the team let Thrash walk around in only it's underwear last night. Someone in marketing should hopefully be getting fired right about now, cause this is just creepy. Actually, I think our field reporter summed it up best.

"What you can't see are the even creepier Victoria's Secret wings on his back. I think it was "molester night" at Philips Arena."

Molester night, indeed.

But seriously. Who comes up with this crap? And we wonder why there are attendance issues in Atlanta. It's because people want to keep their families away from this. Forget about the hockey action. It's the hot bird mascot action that is keeping them away.

And I think it's safe to say that I'm going to need to pull a page from the Pensblog playbook for one second. With all due respect to them...

Look at the left side of the picture, at that guy with glasses, a headset and talking into his sleeve. Does this mascot really need security? Clearly, it needs a pair of pants.

All Those Blog Writers Can Finally Get Back to Work Now

Zombie Tina Fey only wants brains! BRAINSSSSSS!!!! Ezio Petersen / Landov

Man, that strike was a tough one but we can all rejoice now. It's over! We made it! Even Tina Fey, who looks like a zombie for some reason (pictured right). Everyone out there in blog land, whether or not you write for a blog or read one, give yourself a nice pat on the back. We made it through not having writers for 100 days. I really don't know how the blog world made it. But it did. Kudos.

It's great, though. Now everything you read will be scripted and well thought out, as opposed to being off the top of my head and rambly... Wait a minute...

...What's that? We're not part of the union?

Then what the hell was I doing growing a pro-union support beard?? CRAP. I look homeless for nothing.

Filed Under "Things I Should Have Seen Coming"

It's that time of year again.

Atlantic	GP	W	L	OTL	Pts	GF	GA	Home	Road	L10
Pittsburgh	56	32	19	5	69	167	152	17-9-3	15-10-2	6-2-2
New Jersey	56	31	21	4	66	147	134	17-11-0	14-10-4	5-4-1
Philadelphia	55	30	20	5	65	175	156	13-9-5	17-11-0	5-5-0
NY Rangers	59	28	24	7	63	144	147	17-13-0	11-11-7	6-3-1
NY Islanders	56	24	25	7	55	134	164	13-12-3	11-13-4	1-7-2

(source: Yahoo! Sports)

After looking like they might make a decent season out of it, my Islanders have engaged in their annual winter tanking expedition. They had me going for a little while, after they lost seven of eight in early December, before turning it around pretty nicely. They've now lost nine of ten and, well, all hope is lost (But remember I am of perennially little faith.). So now you can all rejoice -- you won't hear me talk about them for a while. They're dead to me (temporarily). Although that does exclude Rick DiPietro and Ted Nolan. They're still cool. But not you Andy Hilbert. Not you. Not ever.

Doctors are Straight BALLA!

It was his neck? Really?? AP/David Duprey

All y'all from the west side know what I'm talking about! Um... Sorry. The point is docs rock as it sounds like they patched up Richard Zednik pretty well. I think 'patched up' may be putting it lightly. But either way, the news is good and the worst part of the article on ESPN.com is this:

"So far, [Zednik] looks very good. He's awake, oriented," said Noor [his surgeon]. "He remembers what happened last night."

Yeah. I've only seen a couple photos and I'm not going to forget this anytime soon. Imagine how HE feels. Yeesh.

And actually I think that it's worth pointing out that this is the second major sports injury that the docs in Buffalo have dealt with in recent times. Kevin Everett of the Buffalo Bills had a horrible spinal injury back in September, but has since made a huge recovery.

Oh, Canada. Where Have You Been All My Life?

AP/Larry MacDougal

You may already know this, but Canadians make no bones about it that they aren't Americans (doesn't everyone?). But that still doesn't change the fact that the first thing I saw kind of damned part of their argument. After all, when your urinals say "American Standard" well, you might be a little bit American.

But after dealing with army time and the metric system for a whole weekend, I still haven't figured out how to convert American numbers into metric numbers. I mean, when you use kilometres and kilograms how can two goals in Florida be worth the same as two in Calgary? It seems like there should be a conversion or something. But probably the most bizarre and yet, still interesting, question I had from this weekend trip was -- how has mankind survived in a place for centuries where the temperature is -15* with wind chills nearly double that? (I'm talking Fahrenheit here because Celsius confuses me) Man, was that place cold. And yet the people were still friendly. Quite the conundrum.

But alas, there are no pictures from the trip. I completely forgot to bring my camera. I can tell you that the train system works on the honor system, as there usually isn't someone around to check that you actually bought a ticket. You also need exact change to buy a ticket, which I imagine is probably the reason most people don't buy tickets and take their chances. I, for one, was really irritated when they actually did check tickets before we got on the train home from the Saddledome Thursday night and was, you know, forced to beg for a quarter since I was a quarter short and needed exact change. Ridiculous. Enough about how uninteresting that is.

Best bar pub in Calgary would have to be the Ship and Anchor. It's completely European. I mean completely. The worst service at a restaurant was the Den. It's a rare occasion when you have to wait 30 minutes for someone to simply take your order. And the cab drivers were all foreign, naturally, but were all really nice. Come to think of it, just about everyone was really nice. Except for the guy sitting behind me at the game who consistently yelled incoherent things about the forecheck. Enough with the damned forecheck already. And if anyone knows the girl who sat next to us at the game, let me know so I can bring her with me to every sporting event I ever go to ever. I don't think anyone has ever heckled so loudly for so long without realizing how funny they were (you can guess why). Yelling random obscenities, and lines like "get the hell outta dodge" for no apparent reason had us all crying with laughter by the second period. Although I think the parents with kids behind us weren't too pleased. I can't imagine they would be.

Exhausted? No! Why Would You Ever Think That?

This is about how I feel write now. Except the 'made out of stone' part. Jowra.com

I spent 14 hours going to, from, into, out of and around various North American airports today, so I apologize for being too beaten up to provide you with any rational thought tonight.

I did write a little something for FanHouse, but I can't imagine it's really all that coherent at this point. I promise that there will be something up sometime on Monday. No idea when, but there will be something. Promise. (Pinky swear).

The early verdict, though: Calgary rocks. Canada rocks. Thank you for being an awesome place with awesome people. And also thank you for not deporting me and letting me leave on my own terms!

And while I'm throwing thank yous out like a person giving out beads at Mardi Gras, a big thanks goes out to Greg Wyshynski for helping out around here. I hope you guys enjoyed him. And no, not in that way.

One final note... Put Richard Zednik in your prayers tonight. Some really, really scary Clint Malarchuk type stuff. Yikes.

Air Hockey with Huckabee

There's no questioning Stephen Colbert's junior hockey cred, from Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle to his winning a bet with the mayor of Oshawa that established "Stephen Colbert Day" in the Canadian city. Now, the rock-ribbed political pundit who gave the world "truthiness" has shifted his attention to air hockey. If you're one of these fans who just likes to make with the puck, the air table makes its appearance at about the 1:40 mark. But then you'd be one of these people who doesn't appreciate the value of low key Mike Huckabee humor and jokes about Katie Couric's monkey hand. And I don't particularly like those people:




Thanks be to Kevin for allowing my short stint here at BMR. I feel like an artist who was given a chance to ink a few underground comix while working on the 200th issue of "The Amazing Spectacular Stupendous Sensational Secret Wars Web of Spider-Man vs. Venom." As always: Dick jokes and boobs on the NHL Closer at Deadspin, and dick jokes and hockey journalism at The FanHouse.

The Best Hockey Scenes in Non-Hockey Movies

Awful nice of Kevin to allow me to grab the mic for two days while he goes to Calgary to “to see some friends” … which I’m pretty sure is man code for “seeing how many Flames Girls I can scam on the Red Mile by dropping ‘AOL Sports’ and ‘tight with James Mirtle.’” As the BMR czar mentioned, I write the NHL Closer weekdays at Deadspin and then trade my dick jokes for some modicum of journalistic integrity over on FanHouse and The Fourth Period. If you’ve heard of me, swell; if not, Welcome to Mooseport…

Although it appears I have slightly more jobs than a Jamaican cab driver, some of my ideas just don’t seem to fit any of these audiences. So I’d like to use this opportunity to bang out one of them here: The Best Hockey Moments in Non-Hockey Movies.

The criteria are fairly simple. Miracle and Mystery, Alaska are hockey movies. Happy Gilmour is disqualified because, essentially, it’s a movie about a hockey player. Also out is, other than Slap Shot, my favorite hockey movie of all-time: The Van Damme good Sudden Death. (I always wondered how many different “Die Hard in a ____” settings they went through before settling on the Stanley Cup Finals. “Sir, the North American Tiddlywinks Association has rejected our request to film at the Squidger Bowl.” “Dammit, get me the NHL!”)

With that in mind, here are seven of the greatest hockey moments in non-hockey movies:

The Adventures of Bob & Doug McKenzie: Strange Brew (1983): Dave Thomas vs. hockey storm troopers. “The power of the Force stopped you, you hosers!”

Chasing Amy (1997): Affleck and Joey Lauren Adams have a frank discussion about the history of finger-cuffing at a minor league hockey game. The film also contains the second-greatest hockey video game moment in movie history, in which Jason Lee questions the masculinity of the Hartford Whalers nearly 15 years after they traded for Sylvain Turgeon.

Clerks (1994): Rooftop hockey and Jeff Anderson rocking a Devils hat. I actually attended the world premiere of Clerks at a movie theater in Hazlet, NJ. Kevin Smith and the cast were signing autographs. I think I remember saying something about “a bunch of nobodies” when I blew past them to the popcorn line. Hey, I was a fat kid.

Just Friends (2005): There’s a scene where Ryan Reynolds plays pond hockey and starts Phaneufing a bunch of preteens. Incidentally, if you haven’t seen it, Anna Faris gives what I believe is one of the single funniest comedic performances by a female in the last decade of film. Seriously, Netflix cue, pronto.

Lethal Weapon 3 (1992): Riggs and Murtaugh chase a dirty ex-cop at what’s supposed to be a Leafs/Kings game in LA. Joe Pesci gets shot on the ice. Says “OK” a lot. Braveheart saves him, after discovering he's not a Jew.

Swingers (1996): “I took the Kings to the Cup.” “Yeah, against the computer with the off-sides off.” “It's not so much me as it’s Roenick. He’s that good.”

Wayne’s World (1992): Let’s put aside Stan Mikita’s donuts for a moment; they play street hockey in black Chucks and Blackhawks jerseys, Committing To the Indian! well before it was the cool thing to do. “Game On!”

Any more?

Photos from Eclectric Dragonfly and View Askew.

It's Fun to Play in Other People's Sandboxes

Nothing is on fire yet! I swear! poster.de

So friend of the Blog, Ryan, put me in control of the Victoria Times today while he recovers from oral surgery. I didn't break anything yet and it's actually going quite well, but I did post that picture of the passed out polar bear again. What can I say? It's a personal favorite. Feel free to stop by as I desperately try and relate to people from a state I've never been to. Should be fun! Shenanigans!

...and also, I'll see you guys on Monday when we will finally be able to answer the question of "are the heads of Canadian people really not attached to their jaws like in South Park?"

In the meantime, Greg Wyshynski will be here to take you through the rest of the work week. You may know him from FanHouse, DeadSpin or the Fourth Period. Take your pick, really.