After all, nothing says hockey like a thoroughly greased mullet.
::::::::::::::::::
Analysis, rambling and rants from around the NHL (from guys and gals who are NOT Barry Melrose).
Awwww look! Widdle Coley Campbell has his backpack all weady for his fwirst day of schoowl!
It's been a long day for Brian Burke and he's a little rough around the edges. "Scotch on the rocks, bartender," he says. He then proceeds to put his brain on autopilot when speaking to the media. Mr. Burke is wondering why you guys don't get a life and stop sticking microphones in his face all day long. He didn't have to deal with all this crap in Anaheim.
See those glass doors behind him? He'll throw you through them face first first if you ask another stupid question. What's that? Oh right, there are no stupid questions. "Yes, go ahead. You in the back with the stupid question." And so it goes. But the Media is not deterred. The Media is used to this. It's their daily dance with the Girlfriend That Treats Them Like Shit but they keep coming back for more because she's so bad and it's oh so good. And maybe this time she'll come to her senses and treat them right.
Burke then turns to the camera and stares deep into your soul, making you regret calling Jenny Michaels a 'fat doo doo head' back in third grade and making her cry. He knows your secrets. You cannot keep anything from him.
Mike Gillis, for what it's worth, hasn't slept in five days. For the last week, he's made the Lobby Lounge at the Ritz Carlton in Naples his playground and you, young fawn, are his playmate. Another raspberry martini, my dear? Mike is here and he's not going home until this night is damn well over. Either that or when his CSE company card gets declined because he's been doing this same routine every night he's been in town.
As for Don Maloney, he's in a festive mood. He's not entirely sure why he even needs to be here, since the Coyotes are either going to be disbanded or sold to gypsies after this season. But heck, he'll take the free trip to south Florida in early March. There are no white sandy beaches in the desert you know.
As a matter of fact, Don is so happy to be here that he gives the media all they could ever ask for and more. He goes into story telling mode for the next three hours. Tell me again how you traded Pierre Turgeon for Kirk Muller, Don! That one is my favorite!
That's all for now from the GM Meetings in Naples, Florida. Thanks for joining us and remember, if you're good looking and in the Naples area, you can probably still hit up Mike Gillis for a couple free drinks later tonight.
This came through my email from reader Sean (not Leahy). I don't know. Ask him if you need an explanation. But I don't think something this badass needs an explanation.
Brian Burke: Jamal, we obviously aren't very good this year. Instead of trying to win the Cup, we need to work on getting new fans.
Jamal Mayers: Good thinking. What do you need me to do?
Burke: Well, Jamal we would like you to engage in our.... urban fans.
Mayers: Urban fans?
Burke: Yeah... See, your name is Jamal, and I think you're (whispers) black. So I think you have a unique... uh... perspective on this.
Mayers: You want me to try and get black fans? Is that what you're saying? But aren't the only other black people in Toronto Chris Bosh and Kardinal Offishall?
Burke: I can see that you are a little nervous spearheading this community outreach program, so we went out and acquired a veteran with was born in Africa. I think that makes him African-American.
According to a website called ongoalanalysis.com they will be. Somewhere in the upper midwest a weatherman is very excited right now.
I have no idea how this website calculates these sort of predictions or how accurate they actually are -- it's Saturday and I'm way too lazy to bother fact checking anything -- but hey, it's something. Maybe one of the more daring readers out there will attempt to do so and risk injuring their brain on a weekend. I know I don't have the cajones to do that right now.
The website also has the Penguins and Rangers locks for the postseason. Well, I guess they did make some good deadline deals, but we might as well at least let the Sabres and Canes have a chance, no?
It's all fun and games until it's mid-April and you're the ninth place team. As Domi brought up in the comments the other day, this website may have zero rooting interest in the playoffs this year as all of our favorite teams may meet that fate. There are four of us here and one team is already eliminated, another still hasn't started the season and two more are fighting tooth and nail for the chance at a first round shellacking at the hands of either the Sharks, Red Wings or Bruins.
Is this website cursed or do we all simply have poor judgement?
Sure, I could do a thoughtful analysis, bring up ridiculous contracts, and all other reasons to make fun of the Islanders. But hey, why bother when I can just cruise the internets for crazy pictures and put some text on 'em? In honor of the Leafs playing the Islanders in an epic Battle for the Basement (patent pending), here's some LOLage:
Tonight, the Islanders play the Maple Leafs and while both teams are out of the playoff hunt, they still hold a place in the hearts of writers on this here site. As I'm sure you're well aware of, Domi's a Leaf fan and I'm an Islander fan. We've both suffered a lot. So, we're going to make each other suffer a little more with a LOLoff. Domi -- the Queen of lol -- will be along later with her lulz, but for now, you'll have to deal with mine.
Probably one of the funniest things to come out of the hockey blogosphere this season has been some fake Twitter accounts. There's a whole bunch out there including Mike Milbury and Gary Bettman. It also appears that there are some real ones out there too. To my eye, it seems the Pierre McGuire Twitter is actually him (read: boring and unoffensive).
The funniest of the fake Twitter bunch is by far Brian Burke. Apparently, the 'fake' part has gotten lost on some people. I guess for some it's not too hard to believe that this is something an NHL GM would actually say in public about another GM:
@BryanMurray: Next time you want to trade a first round pick for a bag of crap, give me a call. I have several bags available.
And then there are the jabs at his own players:
@JasonBlake: You know, there are some really nice tanning salons in Toronto. Even an hour or two a week can work wonders. Just saying.
I don't think it takes a rocket scientist to figure this one out.
What is new for Kaberle is that of the list of 10 teams he would waive his no-trade clause for should Burke work out a deal prior to the NHL's March 4 trade deadline, it is believed all are in the Eastern Conference.
The Islanders, Thrashers and Lightning are all atrocious (not to mention ho-hum hockey destinations) so I'm sure they're out. Assuming Kablerle left off the Leafs and the rival Senators, there are 10 eastern conference teams left, all with playoff hopes.
I'm not about to go as far as my friend Sean Leahy did and call this the goal of the year, but it's certainly one of the most unique goals we've seen in a while. It also may be the only thing worth remembering about your 08-09 Maple Leafs (sorry, Domi).
To be fair, there's not much to remember about the Islanders if they end up with the fifth pick or, you know, move to Kansas City.
Hagman gets knocked down by the ref, takes a knee from an opponent and then takes a puck off the visor. And people say visors are for losers! Hagman might have ended up like Bryan Berard had he not been wearing it. Later in the possession he gets the puck along the goal line and manages to deke out not one, not two, but three defenders on his way to putting the puck past goalie Craig Anderson. For that effort, I would tip my cap to him if I was wearing one right now.
As you may or may not know, former Hurricane and current Toronto Marlie Bates Battaglia still lives in Raleigh and owns a rather popular downtown bar called Lucky B's. The wife and I met some friends up there last night and saw the usual debauchery. We didn't run into any players this time, however I thought I'd enlighten you with some of the typical stuff that ends up happening there:
In the off-season, you'll probably see Bates at his bar trying to, well, get lucky: You might see Johnny Grahame, pounding shots and being a douche in general.
You might see me buying two shots at the bar, turning around to find some cute girl asking if she can have one, me saying no then my wife and I drinking our shots right in front of her face and saying afterwards "Ahhh, that was awesome wasn't it?".
You might be taking a wiz and Andrew Ladd is in the stall next to you. He then proceeds to unleash a burp that shakes the Earth's foundation, prompting all the men to compliment his bodily noises.
You might see the bartenders jacking up your tab by putting some drinks you never drank on your bill.
You might get hit a few times by ping pong balls as you pass the beer pong tables in there.
You might see the Canes playing on TV, as this is certainly a good place to catch the games.
You might see a certain bald Swede, a certain USS Hal Gill (tm tPB) or select other Leafers (and former Leafs) whenever they are in town to play the Hurricanes:
People around here and across the hockey loving planet seem to despise the Toronto Maple Leafs, making Loser Domi cry. I don't get it. They seemed perfectly willing to let my offensively inept team score 6 goals on them last night. Unless.... Yes, the problem must be... Brad May is a douche
If any of you have been living in a cave the past few years and don't get the whole "LOL text on photos" thing, go to Icanhascheezburger for some enlightening education.
I could have easily brought up the 2002 Eastern Conference Final or no Cups since 1967 to talk trash about the Leafs, but to paraphrase what Loser Domi said - why bother with statistical analysis and "Carolina's going to win because..." when you can get just as much of a game preview from LOLlage? So in honor of the Hurricanes hosting the Maple Leafs in Raleigh Thursday night, here we go....
As you know by now, I happen to be a Toronto Maple Leafs fan. Dave, another contributor to this fine establishment, happens to be a Carolina Hurricanes Fan. The two teams play each other on Thursday, and as a result, we have decided to do a rational, well-thought out preview LOLoff with each other's team. Here they are in all their glory:
Well, my Spanish Galleons, Loser Domi here. I’ve been a star commenter around these parts. I’ve even guest posted a few times. However, I thought an official post as author was in order.
You’ve probably seen me at my own site , Pension Plan Puppets, Getting Nifty in the Clutch, Melt your Face off, or lurking around any number of other sites.As you may have guessed, I am a Leafs fan, so let me say this once: 1967, planning the parade, Make ya Laffs. When you come up with some new taunts, let me know.
Also, I feel a need to explain my frequent useage of one Inga Skaya. You see, she was representing Canada in the 2007Miss Universe. Usually the only bit of that I ever watch is the “national costume” portion, just to see what the designers come up with. Usually, it’s a whole lot of feathers and sequins with very little clothing. Imagine my giddy surprise at Inga Skaya coming out in a modified Leafs uniform! (Plus, you gotta love the boots. Rawr.)
Whoa, don't let that title catch you by surprise there. I'm not rooting for the Leafs or anything it just happens that, somehow, Damien Cox of the Toronto Star and myself are on the same page. Now he's not saying anything earth shattering. In fact, all he's saying is that John Tavares is the real deal. But, despite that, it's still amazing to say I agree.
It's a derby in which the Maple Leafs, not yet bad enough to get better, must have a horse.
Brian Burke knows it, Dave Nonis knows it and even Ron Wilson, you have to believe, knows it.
John Tavares' special performance on a big stage for Team Canada in the opening game of the world junior championship in Ottawa on Friday night was just the latest piece of compelling evidence that made it clear the Leafs need to be at least in a position to win the draft lottery and land the No. 1 overall pick next June.
Any other day I would say this might be more fanboy trash coming from Toronto, but when it comes to a kid as special as Tavares, it's not. I guess you could say I'm developing a creepy man crush on the kid. As you may remember, I wrote a short essay about this on Monday.
The only difference between myself and Cox -- and it's kind of a big one -- is that last Monday the Islanders had lost nine in a row and were 13 points out of the 8th playoff spot in the East. As of 4:30 this morning when Cox's article hit the internets, the Leafs were 5-5 in their last ten and only five points out of the 8th spot in the East. They still have a chance whereas the Islanders will have to play better than .600 hockey for a few months to climb back in this. I kind of question Cox's faith in his team when reading this, as they're certainly not done in the Everybody Wins League. But then again, these are the Leafs. It can be painful to watch sometimes.
New Leafs GM Brian Burke steps off his plane and into the terminal at Toronto International Airport. He is carrying a briefcase in his right hand and only blue Sticky Tac and a credit card in his left. He meets a Leafs intern who was assigned to pick him up at the airport and has a look of complete bewilderment on his face.
BB: What the... How did I get here?
Leafs Intern: Um, you took a plane from Anaheim, sir.
BB: Now why in the hell would I do that?
Leafs Intern: Because you...
BB (interrupts): I DON'T CARE. Where's Sundin? Let me talk to Sundin!
Leafs Intern: He's, um, in Sweden, sir. I can have someone try and contact him if you...
BB (interrupts again): Horton's! Where's the nearest Tim Horton's boy? I haven't had that stuff since I left Vancouver.
Leafs Intern: There's one right over there.
BB: Yes.... Yes... Sweet nectar!
Leafs Intern: Are you OK, sir?
BB: Yes I'm fine. Tell MLSE that I won't listen to their offers unless they put a Tim Horton's on every street corner in Toronto.
Leafs Intern: There is already one on every street corner in Toronto.
BB: So they're on to me. They know my plan. Boy, find Lauren Hodgmon and give this Sticky Tac to her. She'll know what it's for. Right now, I've got business to attend to.
All of a sudden Burke is wearing a cape and mask and bounds off down the terminal. Before he gets out of sight, he stops, looks around and jumps out the nearest window.
Leafs Intern: Oh no... How am I supposed to explain this to my boss?
I have to tell you, I have just never shared the animosity towards the Leafs that Kevin or probably you ever have. They aren't in the same conference as the Wild, so what do I care? I'm pretty indifferent to the Sabres, Bruins, Canadiens and Panthers too. My vitriol, historically, has been for places like Vancouver, Colorado and Anaheim. Of course, the Canucks and Ducks both have featured Brian Burke, the douchebag, as a GM. Today, we have breaking news: Brian Burke has resigned as the Ducks GM. Included in TSN's story is this chestnut
"In any case, it would seem all but certain that Burke will find his way to Toronto as the Leafs' top hockey man."
Finally, I can get behind hating the Leafs. I hate Burke so much.
I have drawn the assignment of Thursday writing here at BMR, which, this week, happens to coincide with the day Versus is airing their first pair of games on the season. It won't always be the case, but the Versus games are the only games that us plebians without the NHL package can share as a group, and that should be celebrated.
If you've read the past couple weeks, you'll realize that I'm not so good with "previews". What you may not know is that I AM good at drinking. True story, I snapped awake about half an hour ago with a case of the "I drank way too much Captain Morgan last nights". I'm not sick, per se, but if you have ever set sail with the Captain, you'll understand that I'm losing 6 pounds today, one way or another. So, since drinking is on my mind, and the fact that its hockey's real opening day and I'm not going to sleep again anytime soon, I figure we should kick off our first drinking game of the season.
If you don't know how this works, you've never been to college or lived in Manitoba. I'm just going to give you a run down of some suggested situations for when to drink. Other ideas are encouraged in the comments. Here we go!
DRINK
... every time Mats Sundin is mentioned. Twice if they suggest he might end up in Detroit. Thrice if they mention that Nik Antropov has to pick up the offensive slack. Chug if you're a Leafs fan.
... every time they show a team captain. I still have Captain on the brain.
... every time the word "opening" is used, like "opening night", "opening period", "opening goal", or "Van Ryn checks Hossa into the boards, opening a large gash across his forehead."
... if Jiri Tlusty's past indescretions are brought up. Take off your pants and drink three more times if they actually mention his wee wee.
... when the Red Wings score. No. Kidding. I don't want to kill you.
I know that this is the second video I've unleashed on the blogosphere from tonight's Leafs/Jackets game, but I think it's worth the cost. These are two teams that could make us all collectively vomit if we hear too much about them, but then again I can't remember a referee ever throwing a better hip check than the one Marc Joanette tossed out tonight. Get some, Jason Chimera.
And to make officials everywhere cringe, the Leafs go right down the ice for a goal. Good thing it's not the regular season and better yet that the Leafs weren't on the losing end of the play. That story alone would have singlehandedly fueled the Toronto media for weeks!
Moving right along with our Obligatory Division Previews, today we're taking a look at the Northeast Division. Feel free to check out our previews of the Atlantic and Northwest if you missed those last week.
Boston Bruins
The Bruins lead off this preview, but that's only because they're at the top of the division alphabetically. It's also because I felt like talking about them first.
Stephen Colbert has long said that Bears are the #1 threat to America, and he may be right, but he certainly wasn't thinking of the Bruins when he said that. The Bruins will be solid this year, but they're certainly not going to raise the national security threat level. And as far as I know, there is no one on the team who has an infatuation with honey or is as cute as Winnie the Pooh. All factors that will not impact the team's on-ice performance this season.
The following are some factors that will impact their on-ice performance; the return of Patrice Bergeron, Marc Savard's ability to distract the defense with his good looks, Manny Fernandez's ability to tend nets and their only major move being the addition of Michael Ryder.
What's New: We already went over a bit of the new additions but to recap; Bergeron returns, Ryder signs as well as Stephane Yelle and another year for the kids to develop (see: Kessel, Krejci, Rask, Wheeler).
Questions That Need Answering: If bears grew a fifth appendage, would they be 20% more deadly? Is there anyway we can coat Phil Kessel in honey to see how good it would taste?
Montreal Canadiens
Hmm... Looks like one of the girls from Four Habs Fans found her way over here. I guess at this point no one is going to read the rest of the post. I could probably say a bunch of derogatory things towards Canada... Oh, hello! I didn't see you there. Heh... That was... Awkward.
So anyway, about the returning regular season conference champions. They were really one of the surprise teams of last season, but as the season progressed it became clear that they were the head of the class in the East. The team committed to the young stallion in the stable, Carey Price, when they sent Cristobal Huet packing at the deadline. With another year and a playoff run under his belt, Price should hopefully show improvement this year. As gifted as the rest of the team is, they're only going to go as far as Huet Price goes. Another point to watch is whether or not they can repeat as the best powerplay unit in the league. The Habs scored at a 24.1% clip last season, a very, very solid number.
What's New: Mark Streit, who was third on the team in points last season, has departed for Long Island. Michael Ryder and Bryan Smolinski (who I can't believe is still in the NHL -- he's almost 40) are also gone. Marc Denis, Robert Lang, Georges Laraque and Alex Tanguay are the notable additions.
Questions That Need Answering: Is Carey Price the real deal? Is Montreal as cool of a place to visit as Calgary (I'm thinking about going this winter)? How do you say 'really good hockey team' in French?
(C) GapingVoid.com
Toronto Maple Leafs
Ah yes, we're up to the Maple Leafs who are the butt of many jokes here and around the internets. No matter what we think, we still have to acknowledge that they do have the opportunity to win a Stanley Cup this year even if MLSE doesn't. Zing!
I'm sorry. Really. I do have to feel bad for a team that will probably be as bad as the Islanders will this season.
What's New: Curtis Joseph is back for another go-around, which is sort of surreal. Mike Van Ryn, Nick Hagman and Ryan Hollweg lead a star-studded class of additions to the roster. And don't forget about the big money guy, Jeff Finger! Ron Wilson picks up behind the bench and is probably going to be regretting the decision to do so by November. There are also the departures of Bryan McCabe, Mats Sundin, Kyle Wellwood and Darcy Tucker. It's the end of an era in Toronto, sort of. Except for the part where CuJo came back.
Questions That Need Answering: Is there anyone out there who legitimately believes this team has a chance? Can we all agree that this team is the New York Knicks of the NHL?
Buffalo Sabres
Where do we start with the Sabres? Things aren't looking so swell in Buffalo this winter. A year ago they finished 10th, only four points removed from the playoffs, and there's no doubt they could pull a similar feat this season. The health of the team will be a big factor in how far these guys go, as Tim Connolly and Drew Stafford missed serious time last year and are solid players. Derek Roy and Jason Pominville also had great years while filling the shoes of you know who. There's a lot of talent and a lot of depth on this team. The biggest knock, other than health, is probably that they are in a very strong division.
What's New: The only major addition is Craig Rivet on the blueline. Brian Campbell left at the deadline last season and his replacement, Steve Bernier, was sent to Vancouver during the summer.
Questions That Need Answering: This isn't a question, but Buffalo Wild Wings is an awesome restaurant. I just thought I would put that out there.
Ottawa Senators
The Senators had an epic collapse last year that was well-documented. They still made the playoffs, but their season had gotten to the point where it probably would have been better if they didn't make it. This will be one of the more interesting teams to watch this season. They still have the deadly trio of Alfredsson, Heatley and Spezza but how much everyone outside of those three contributes will be a big factor in how far this team goes. Another key is the play of Martin Gerber, who has failed out a couple times as a starter and is now getting another shot -- assuming he doesn't lose the job to Alex Auld. I guess never say never.
What's New: During the off-season the proverbial house was cleaned and a who slew of fresh faces were brought it. Jason Smith, Filip Kuba and Jarkko Ruutu are the notable additions to the roster along with the aforementioned Auld. Gone are a lot of people; Wade Redden, Ray Emery, Mike Commodore, Andrej Meszaros, Luke Richardson, Cory Stillman and Martin Lapointe.
Questions That Need Answering: Who can, and will, step up for this team? Can the new-look defensive corps hold steady? How many entertaining blowups will Bryan Murray have?
Awwww look! Widdle Coley Campbell has his backpack all weady for his fwirst day of schoowl!
It's been a long day for Brian Burke and he's a little rough around the edges. "Scotch on the rocks, bartender," he says. He then proceeds to put his brain on autopilot when speaking to the media. Mr. Burke is wondering why you guys don't get a life and stop sticking microphones in his face all day long. He didn't have to deal with all this crap in Anaheim.
Burke then turns to the camera and stares deep into your soul, making you regret calling Jenny Michaels a 'fat doo doo head' back in third grade and making her cry. He knows your secrets. You cannot keep anything from him.
Mike Gillis, for what it's worth, hasn't slept in five days. For the last week, he's made the Lobby Lounge at the Ritz Carlton in Naples his playground and you, young fawn, are his playmate. Another raspberry martini, my dear? Mike is here and he's not going home until this night is damn well over. Either that or when his CSE company card gets declined because he's been doing this same routine every night he's been in town.
As for Don Maloney, he's in a festive mood. He's not entirely sure why he even needs to be here, since the Coyotes are either going to be disbanded or sold to gypsies after this season. But heck, he'll take the free trip to south Florida in early March. There are no white sandy beaches in the desert you know.
As a matter of fact, Don is so happy to be here that he gives the media all they could ever ask for and more. He goes into story telling mode for the next three hours. Tell me again how you traded Pierre Turgeon for Kirk Muller, Don! That one is my favorite!
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
Posts
