BREAKING NEWS: Age No Match for Cherry, Plans to Take On Hunger, Poverty Next

In this re-occurring segment entitled Breaking News, we'll take a look at some of the most interesting headlines of the day. Of course, I'll probably forget about this feature in a few weeks.

Today's headline comes from Tim Wharnsby of the Globe and Mail. A big thanks to Tim for his contribution today.

Here are some sub-headlines that might be relevant to the story. I didn't actually read it though, so they may not be entirely accurate.

Age no match for Cherry...

...But shoe tying is cumbersome.

...AIDS, cancer are afraid that they will be next.

...Proves that commentator is the fountain of youth.

...Gay rights groups are another story.

...Feels the wrath of Grapes (ba dum bum).

...Plans to fight Zorkon Master of the Universe next.

...Still has yet to win at Monopoly.

...Can also make Chuck Norris cry like a baby.

Finally, Cherry and Melrose on One Screen

Last night, Don Cherry and Barry Melrose shared a TV screen on ESPN's Sportscenter. Somehow, someway, the Earth is still rotating this morning. But thank you, ESPN for creating the ultimate matchup in hockey commentating. I need to go lie down. My brain hurts.

Don Cherry, Hot Pink Suits and Your Eyesight

By the looks of it, the world is still spinning. That's if I could see right now. My eyes are still recovering from watching Don Cherry on Sportscenter last night. Cherry wore a hot pink suit, which jived nicely with John Buccigross' pink tie. Apparently Bucci only got half of the memo on the night's attire.

On Sportscenter, Cherry did split screen talk with Bucci from Pittsburgh, PA. Melrose, however, was sitting comfortably in ESPN's headquarters in Bristol, CT. Hey ESPN, what do we have to do to get these two on the same sound stage?

But today, dear readers, I have a question for you. Both Melrose and Cherry were up to their usual entertaining antics last night and what I want to know is who had the more ridiculous statement. Was it Don Cherry who called Detroit 'a redneck town' or Melrose who called Evgeni Malkin's second period goal 'a 1000 mph slapper'. The latter probably has a few grains of truth in it, but what I think doesn't apply here. What's your opinion? Who made the more ridiculous statement?

Tonight, ESPN Will Change the Way We Look at Hockey Commentating

Mmm... Grapes.

The day is here folks. In a way, it almost seems as if the apocalypse as we know it is upon us. Hug your loved ones, lock up your daughters, board up the windows. Do whatever you need to do to prepare for the hurricane that is going to sweep across America, starting in Bristol, CT.

Tonight is the night that Don Cherry will appear on Sportscenter along with Barry Melrose. This is bigger than Ali-Frazier. It's bigger than Bird-Magic. It's probably not bigger than cookies and milk, a highly underrated snack. But other than that, it's big. Hair styles will clash. Suits will blind us. Cities will burn. The combinations are frightening.

Hold on tight, folks. We're in for one hell of a ride. Or maybe, to save time in the destruction of mankind, our heads will explode at the sight of it all. Hey, it could happen.

Don Cherry and American TV: Together Again (Now with 100% Less NBC!)

Don Cherry, meet Barry Melrose.

There's a match made in playoff heaven. Don Cherry and American TV. It's a nice surprise we weren't expecting come playoff time, sort of like when you wake up Saturday morning and think that it's Thursday. When you finally realize that it's Saturday, you're on top of the freaking world. That's about how this news makes me feel. Call it creepy but that's the truth. Just think of the possibilities! All of them end with Cherry turning into hockey's version of Stephen A. Smith. Maybe not that extreme. No, certainly not that extreme. But I digress...

According to the Globe and Mail (FH plug + BMR plug = someone up there better be tipping me for this) Cherry is going to be joining ESPN's Sportscenter for the rest of the playoff run. Cherry and fellow CBCer Ron MacLean will be doing live cuts from the Eastern Conference Finals and then later for the Stanley Cup.

What's really important here is getting to the bottom of ESPN's motivation for the move.

Here's a few possible answers.

1. The WWL really, really likes his suits.
2. They're gearing up for a return to the NHL on ESPN in the near future.
3. Cherry is getting a tryout for a soon to be resurrected NHL2Night (are pigs flying?).
4. If NBC did it, it has to be good.
   

I'm not really sure what the real motivation for this is. Maybe ESPN just wants to add a little spark to their playoff coverage. Not a clue. Let's just hope that no matter what happens, he and Melrose don't trade fashion tips (one possible scenario, pictured).

NBC Wants to Make Sure It's Broadcasts Have No Flavor

Phillip MacCallum/Getty Images

Just when you thought the NHL's deal with NBC couldn't get any worse, it did. Forgive me for being so naive, it's just that I thought there was probably a clause in the league's contract with NBC that said the league could only get screwed over three times during one calendar year. I guess after the Preakness fiasco, an NBC affiliate in Tampa Bay refusing to cover the finals, and a network whose sports telecasts resemble PBS' Antiques Roadshow more than actual sports telecasts, actually covering the NHL in the first place, things couldn't get any worse.

Today, the Vancouver Sun is reporting that the little bit of personality that NBC's telecasts did have, has been removed. According to the Sun, NBC analyst Ray Ferraro has told the radio station Team 1040 in Vancouver that Brett Hull has been let go by NBC.

Whether you liked listening to Brett Hull or not, you certainly can't argue with the fact that he brought some life to NBC's telecasts. Many times, Hull was an outspoken character, but that's just what the NHL in America needs -- personality. With all due respect to Bill Clement and Ferraro, watching sports on NBC is always a chore, and the NHL is no exception. Having a boisterous, controversial character in Hull on the set is what makes people watch; both those who love him and those who love to hate him. It's just flat out entertaining television, as everyone wants to see what he will say next.

When NBC brought in Don Cherry during the Stanley Cup Finals, it brought a glimpse of the personality that the NHL so desperately needs in the US. Aside from Barry Melrose, who gets released from whatever closet ESPN stores him in twice a week for a short segment on SportsCenter, the NHL doesn't have personality in America. Yes, we have Sean Avery and Jeremy Roenick, but when is the last time those guys had any serious MSM exposure? Hull was all that you could find, and best of all, he was on broadcast television. This kept all those hockey haters out there from using the excuse that they couldn't find the channel. Hopefully, we'll see some other network pick him up, as I seriously doubt that NBC will bring in anyone who will bring any more life to their set than Hull did (attention Jeremy Roenick: please call NBC now).

Well, at least we'll always have the memories.

"Bill Clement: What two things do you want to talk about?

Brett Hull: Huh?

Bill Clement: (Incredulous) You just watched a whole freaking game!"

If This Had Lasted Any Longer, Bill Clement Might of Had a Seizure

Phillip MacCallum/Getty Images

Yes folks, that's the Golden Boy and Grapes sitting next to each other. Scary, right? During the intermissions of Game four last night, Don Cherry sat at the NBC desk alongside Brett Hull and Bill Clement. I'm afraid that if I try to imagine their off air conversations for too long, my head will explode. I feel sorry for Clement that he had to sit next to this mess.

A quick translation for those of you not familiar with hockey, Brett Hull or Don Cherry; this would essentially be the same as sitting Terrell Owens next to Terry Bradshaw at the FOX NFL Sunday desk.

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Brett Hull: Whats going on?

Bill Clement: We just went to commercial, Brett.

Don Cherry: Now, I don't know how you do things down here in the States, but we're not a bunch of wussies up in Canada. When a damn euro like Danny Alfredsson fires a shot at you, you gotta take it like a man. Niedermayer did and I give him credit for that. But he shoulda just ripped Alfredsson's head off. Back when I was coaching the Rockies I would of just told Chico to drill him next time he gets near him. Take his blocker and clothesline him! That'll get your TV ratings up!

Hull: What? Why is fucking Cherry here?

Clement: We're just doing some cross promotion with CBC. We're trying anything to get ratings up.

Cherry: ...Back then we didn't wear shin guards! If a guy shot at you, you just had to stand there and suck it up!

Hull: What the hell is CBC? I'm so drunk.

Clement: Brett, come on. We're almost back from commercial.

Hull: You don't own me Clement!

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I imagine that the conversation was somewhere along those lines between commercials.

In case you missed it, the Canadian Press published a pretty good article on the event. Hull and Cherry got along a lot better than you might imagine, but considering that they both believe in 'old school hockey,' maybe it's not so hard to fathom.