BMR Scientists Discover Possible Life Behind Pittsburgh Bench

Moments ago, scientists at BMR Laboratories discovered this Getty photo via Yahoo's NHL photo gallery. They believe that it shows signs of life behind the bench of the Pittsburgh Penguins, something that hasn't been seen in months. The picture was snapped during Monday afternoon's game against the Islanders.

Our scientists are currently checking to confirm that the person in the picture is not John Hodgmon or a fan who won a local radio contest in Pittsburgh to be coach for a day. Stay tuned to BMR for more on this story as it develops.

The Lightning are Trying to Go Al Davis on Melrose

This is a hockey blog, so let me explain the title a bit for those of you who aren't huge NFL fans. Al Davis is the old, kooky, paranoid owner of the Oakland Raiders. He has always had a bad repore with his coach and the relationship usually ends in Davis firing them and, many times, trying to with hold their pay. The most recent firing was Lane Kiffin. Davis held a lengthy press conference for him detailing the reasons he was firing Kiffin and that it was for cause. If you ever get the chance, You Tube it.

Funny story happening down in Tampa that I'm sure you're aware of. Yes, I'm referring to the whole Len Barrie/Barry Melrose War of Words that has seemingly taken over this hockey blog. Well, the chapters are writing themselves by the minute.

The latest, as of six or so hours ago, is that the Lightning are going to go Al Davis on Melrose and try to not pay him.

Side bar: The general legalese of the subject is that a coach needs to be fired "for cause" in order to not pay them the remainder of what they are owed. So, for example, firing a coach for losing or being incompetent doesn't really cut it. Conduct detrimental to the organization, harassment or something along those lines would however.

Back to Melrose and the Lightning.

Nothing is set in stone yet, but Darren Dreger of TSN is reporting that the Lightning are "investigating" if they would have a case for withholding the rest of Barry's money. Dreger is also reporting that "Melrose's assessment of rookie forward Steven Stamkos is the basis for the investigation."

I'd really like to know how they're going to try and prove that one in a court of law. Of all the things they could go after Melrose for, that would be it? Seriously? I wonder if the Bolts know that they need proof. Evidence. You know, something that would hold up in court.

So there's your daily Barry Melrose Termination Update. My guess is there will be something new before Friday is over with. We can only hope.

Tampa Wars: The Len Barrie Strikes Back

A few days ago, Barry Melrose lashed out -- or bitch slapped, however you want to say it -- the Lightning and a few choice people in the organization. It really wasn't the prettiest way to handle the situation for all involved. But that's life. Sometimes firings get all messy and cat fighty.

Prior to the Bolts game last night in Buffalo, Len Barrie decided that he wouldn't be above all this nonsense. In fact, he wanted to be a part of it and even fan the flames a bit, so we can all pull out our lawn chairs and watch this baby burn! Good times for all not involved. Good times, indeed.

Here are the choice cuts from Barrie, with some help from FanHouse's Adam Gretz. Might as well give them both equal treatment, hockey card and all.

"I knew we were in trouble when we went to Prague and Barry wanted to play the (defensive) left wing lock."

Ooooohhh! Not the left wing lock diss!

Barrie on Stamkos:

"everyone knows this kid is a star player."

Thanks. Thanks for that epic analysis.

None of that was really all too exciting. But you know what is? This quote:

"He went at guys personally and he challenged the team, which is fine. Coaches have to do that. But you have to have guys respond ... But my thing is you're paid to do a job, and he didn't do it from day one. How he came in and prepared for this job was total negligence."

There you go. Them's fightnin' words! Consider me now prepared for Melrose's rebuttal. Barry, if you're reading this and know what a blog is, email your rebuttal to the following address: melroserocks@gmail.com.

Laviolette Canned: Will it Be the Most Confusing Firing this Season?

AP

Today you can add Hurricanes coach Pete Laviolette to the list of coaches that have been axed in 2008-09. He's number three on the list, behind Dennis Savard, formerly of Chicago who was let go two games into the season, and Barry Melrose, who needs no introduction around here.

The Laviolette firing proves yet again that no coach is safe no matter what they've done for the organization in the past. Lavy led the Canes to the Stanley Cup in his first full season behind the bench in 2005-06 and was let go today, almost halfway through his fourth season in the organization.

The Canes haven't made the playoffs since they won the Cup, but right now they're only three points out of the lead in the anything-can-happen Southeast division and 8th in the conference. With so many big time off-season acquisitions, it's easy to see how badly the Hurricanes were under performing. Jeff O'Neill and Joni Pitkanen were clearly the players needed to bring this team back to the top, and it was all too clear that Laviolette was doing a poor job managing a team that is by far the most talented in the league.

Naturally, the Canes brought in the only man for the job. A man who had coached the team for 8 1/2 seasons, dating back to their time in Hartford. A coach so good, so talented, that he led the Canes/Whalers out of the first round of the playoffs once during those eight years. That man, none other than Paul Maurice.

I'm calling it right now. Hurricanes sweeping their way though the playoffs to their second Stanley Cup parade. You might as well just give them the President's Trophy too.

BMR Scientists Address Coach-O-Meter 3000, Unveil Newest Creation

At the beginning of the NHL season, the scientists at BMR Laboratories unveiled a creation known as the Coach-O-Meter 3000. Its goal was to accurately predict the job security of one Barry Melrose. On the day Barry was fired last week, the meter read STAMKOS. It was the third highest of the five threat levels. Clearly, it was totally inaccurate. Today, our scientists have released a statement addressing the situation.

Dear Planet Earth,

Last Friday, Barry Melrose was fired as coach of the Tampa Bay Lightning. It was a tragic day and one in which the Coach-O-Meter 3000 failed us all with flying colors.

When an error of this magnitude occurs, the results are never pretty. Rioting in the streets. Tidal waves in Kansas. It was pretty much a doomsday scenario for everyone involved. There is nothing we can do to make up for such a grave error, but we do admit our miscalculation and would like to offer our sincerest apologies.

To try and make up for this, today, we would like to unveil our newest creation. It is not based on science, instead it is based on random chance. We are taking a break from the whole "science" thing for a while. Clearly, we are not good at it.

In an effort to get everyone's minds -- including our own -- off the disaster that occurred on November 14th, we have invented the Rick Tocchet Roulette Wheel of Results. Its main goal is to predict how many wins the Tampa Bay Lightning will have under Interim Coach Tocchet. It is based purely on random chance. Simply print it out, attach one of those spinning arrows to it a the center and enjoy. Maybe you can kill some time at work. Maybe it will make a good chew toy for your dog. At the very least, it will hopefully take your mind off of THE EVENT.

Sincerely,

The Scientists of BMR Laboratories

So there you have it, folks. The Rick Tocchet Roulette Wheel of Results. Will it be right in predicting the Bolts record under their interim coach? Probably not. Will it be entertaining? We sure hope so. Enjoy! And remember, if it lands on Oren Koules you get to spin again and multiply that spin by two. If it lands on Thunder Bug, spin around in circles until you are dizzy and then spin the wheel again.

Your Highlight of the Week: For the Record, This is Not Me

There's only one story this week, as far as I'm concerned. I don't need to tell you about THE EVENT I'm just going to tell you that yes, I'm doing just fine and taking it in stride. Just don't bring up THE EVENT in great detail. It still stings a bit.

And one more thing, contrary to popular belief, this upset gentleman is not me. I repeat, totally not me. I'm sexier and get embarrassed easily in front of a camera (hence all the typing). OK, just the latter. But still.

And Now For Coherent Reaction to the Melrose Firing

My super serious, super coherent reaction to the Melrose firing can be seen, read and smelled (minty fresh!) over at Fanhouse. While I hate to deprive you of non-stop coverage of the event, similar to every major cable news network's coverage of the 2008 Presidential Election, super serious just doesn't happen around here. It's how I stay level. Or Zen. Something like that.

I've got a couple thoughts that I would like to share with you fine folks on the issue, and of course, you're always welcome to add your own in the comments.

1. This had more to do with things going on behind the scenes than the Bolts record. I know what you're going to say, this is the NHL and teams are quick to the trigger. Well, yes, but this case is different. These are new owners and this was Their Guy. They picked him before they even gained official ownership of the organization. Unless they're completely insane, which I guess is theoretically possible considering everything, there's no way they can fire Their Guy five weeks into the season. Unless the team is somehow out of playoff contention, you cannot possibly give someone five weeks to get things going. That's not to mention that this is a guy who hadn't coached in over a decade.
2. I'm not being a homer about this. I promise. I could care less if Barry was Bolts coach. I'd rather watch him on ESPN than Sun Sports any day.
3. If, somehow, I happen to be correct about #1 then what the heck did Barry do/say behind the scenes to get axed? We need to know. Blackjack and hooker party for whoever can shed some light on this.
4. OK, you're right, Barry simply may not have had it. From openly criticizing his star players from the get go, to the rumblings that he didn't have 'it' anymore, this probably isn't a guy that can coach in the NHL. But, there's one caveat:
   
5. No matter how many off-season acquisitions this team made, they still were not leaps and bounds better than last year's edition on paper. Sure, the forwards are an elite group on this team on paper, but in reality they haven't been playing like it. Roberts and Malone are doing next to nothing and Mark Recchi is their second leading scorer. The same Mark Recchi who was given up for dead by the Penguins last year.
   
6. Hastily trading away Carle, O'Brien and Ouellet like they were bad mortgages didn't help a an already craptastic defense that has given up the most power play goals in the league. How Lukas Krajicek and Steve Eminger were supposed to fix that is beyond me. Mike Smith and Olaf Kolzig are acceptable in net, but they really aren't getting help from the blueliners in front of them.
   

That's all I've got for now. Again, if you need to read more on this as typed by yours truly -- although I can't imagine why you would -- head on over to FanHouse. There will be more on this over the weekend, as you can probably imagine.

BREAKING NEWS: MELROSE FIRED, ARMAGEDDON IMMINENT

File photo: Melrose giving NHL analysis on ESPN, half drunk, half stoned. Hotstovenewyork.com

As of 4:30 PM EST, the Tampa Bay Lightning have announced that Barry Melrose has been fired. Rick Tocchet has been named interim head coach and time as we know it has stopped. This may be the end, folks. The world has started spinning 10 times faster than normal and the animals are all migrating west. Something is wrong on Planet Earth. We're not sure exactly what is going on, as we're the stupid humans who are so disconnected with nature the only inevitable outcome has always been our complete and total demise. However, stay with BMR all day and night, as we'll have more on this and OH GOD... WHAT IS THAT?!? NO! NOOOO! RUUUUUUNNN!!!!!

OH GOD IT'S SO... SO... ARGHHHHHHH MY ARM!!! SAVE YOURSELF, READERS! SAVEEEEE YOURSELFFFFF!!!! AHHHHH!!! DON'T BITE MY SPLEEN!! WHAT THE HELL? WHAT KIND OF MONSTER BITES SOMEONE IN THE FREAKING SPLEEN??? OH NOO....

*deathly silent silence persists. sun disappears behind pitch black cloud cover.*

The Divorce is Now Final

ESPN

If all mommy and daddy do is fight, they probably should find other people. That's about the best way to describe the relationship between Garth Snow and Ted Nolan in the past few months. It was really, really obvious that they weren't seeing eye to eye and today they finally made the divorce final.

Ted Nolan has been let go and the Islanders will be searching for their eighth coach in the new millennium (including interims). Regardless of whether you think Nolan is mommy or daddy in this example, that's a lot of coaches. Nolan also leaves as another mildly successful coach on Long Island. He marks the fourth straight Islanders coach to vacate his position with a .500 or better winning percentage. There's also no doubt he did got much more out of his teams than anyone expected. In the end, he couldn't get along with GM Garth Snow, who didn't get to select his own coach upon taking his post.

Who is to blame for the rift in the relationship is unknown but neither party is going to look good because of it. Nolan, again, will likely be labeled as a coach who can't get along with the front office. That stigma kept him out of the NHL for nearly a decade. For Snow and the Islanders, it may only be considered another front office meltdown in an office that has been filled with them. First it was Neil Smith and then Pat LaFontaine. Now it's Snow and Nolan. What coach is going to want to sign up for this revolving door?

Milbury's not in charge anymore. The ownership is good and most importantly, stable. Nonetheless, the Islanders are again missing a solid leader at the helm. They're still looking for the next Al Arbour. Some things never change.

Try Not to Get All Choked Up

Barry Melrose worked at ESPN for a loooooooooong time. 13 years to be exact. So, naturally, they are paying tribute to him in the best way possible. A montage! ('Cause we need a montage! Montageeee!)

+2 if you got that reference. Anyway, here's the video.

It's Official.

I'm way late on this but that's what happens when you work all day and aren't by a computer. My apologies for that.

Big news today, folks. Big, big news.

You probably know by now -- but if you don't -- Barry Melrose was named head coach of the Tampa Bay Lightning during a press conference earlier today.

He's taking over the worst team in the league. He's also taking over a team with new owners likely to give their handpicked coach some time and they recently added a little Stamkos to their lives. He's got the tools, offensively speaking. Maybe if they had a goaltender things would be looking better. But no matter. We do not dare doubt the power of the Almighty Mullet Himself.

The surprise of the day, at least for me, was that Melrose admitted to waching nearly 90 percent of Tampa's games last season. What? Either he is lying or he's the most serious hockey analyst in the history of the world. Hopefully, it's the latter. That's really unbelievable. I don't watch 90% of the Islanders' games even if I'm in New York all winter.

You can be sure that I'll be all over this story in the coming days, much like Melrose on a fresh can of hairspray. For now, I'll leave you off with what the MSM/blogosphere is thinking about the NHL's newest coach. I'll foreshadow a little -- it isn't good. That's OK. There's at least one website on the internet that supports him in his conquest for world domination. I forget the name though... It just isn't coming to mind right now... I think it begins with "Bar" and ends in "ry Melrose Rocks".

NY Times, Slapshot Blog:

The flash of gleaming teeth and well-styled hair won’t camouflage the fact that Melrose hasn’t coached in the NHL since 1995 and spent the last 12 seasons behind a microphone (and more entertaining than insightful, at that) and not behind a bench. He was away for a good reason — because the game passed him by long ago, perhaps while he was still coaching. And it has kept advancing at a rapid pace while he’s been futzing with his pancake makeup. Seen this way, Barry Melrose is an analog coach in a digital world.

Ken Campbell, Hockey News:

The Tampa Bay Lightning has hired Barry Melrose as head coach; brace yourself, this could really get ugly.

And considering it's the Lightning we're talking about here, that's saying something.

Apparently new owners Oren Koules and Len Barrie felt it was a good idea to replace a Stanley Cup winning coach with a guy who not only hasn't coached a game in the NHL for 13 years, but was one who had a mediocre .449 winning percentage in just three seasons of NHL experience in the first place.

Yup, that's got success written aaaaall over it, doesn't it?

And Mike Chen, the voice of reason, is preaching patience:

While many people out in the hockey world (including a bunch of the Bolts fans I know) think that Barry Melrose will be huge gigantic mega-disaster behind the Tampa Bay bench, I’m not totally convinced that it’s really as bad as some people think it is. Yes, he’s been out of the game for a very long time, but he at least has been in a place where he can objectively observe the game change.

There’s no doubt that the game is very different now than it was when Melrose was last behind the bench. However, I think he’s surrounded himself with an interesting crew to help him with the transition

UPDATE (1 AM): Gotta love the folks at the NYTimes being on the ball 24/7. Stu from Slapshots responds with the following (also in the comments but I'm not sure how many of you check those)...

Kevin - Thanks for quoting from my post on the NY Times Slap Shot blog. However, it would be more fair if you didn't take the quote out of context. I also explained how I thought Melrose could be a great benefit for the Lightning despite his limitations and also explored the potential upside. You're always welcome to scalp material from us, but next time, kindly provide your readers with the full picture. -- Stu Hackel

My apologies, Stu. I'll certainly be more careful in the future.

Brent Sutter Wants Lou Lamoriello to Fire Him

Awkward press conference photos, #42. Mel Evans/AP

As it turns out, Lou Lamoriello actually hires coaches. I was starting to think that he just had a whole bunch of coaches and fired one each month.

The lastest in line for the Devils bench job is Brent Sutter, a former long-time Blackhawk and Islander. Sutter is also a member of hockey's first family, the Sutters. Most recently, he had a successful tenure as coach/GM of the WHL's Red Deer Rebels.

All I thought when I heard about this; how long till Lamoriello fires sutter? My bet is down on February 11th. That being said, if I'm Sutter, I have some sort of guarantee in my contract that I'll finish this season, if not the next two.

Apologies for the lack of updates recently, but things are getting pretty hairy. Right now, I'm working two jobs, and lately they both have been busy, so I'm not able to post much from home or work.