Things you might see at Bates Battaglia's bar

As you may or may not know, former Hurricane and current Toronto Marlie Bates Battaglia still lives in Raleigh and owns a rather popular downtown bar called Lucky B's. The wife and I met some friends up there last night and saw the usual debauchery. We didn't run into any players this time, however I thought I'd enlighten you with some of the typical stuff that ends up happening there:

In the off-season, you'll probably see Bates at his bar trying to, well, get lucky:
You might see Johnny Grahame, pounding shots and being a douche in general.

You might see me buying two shots at the bar, turning around to find some cute girl asking if she can have one, me saying no then my wife and I drinking our shots right in front of her face and saying afterwards "Ahhh, that was awesome wasn't it?".

You might be taking a wiz and Andrew Ladd is in the stall next to you. He then proceeds to unleash a burp that shakes the Earth's foundation, prompting all the men to compliment his bodily noises.

You might see the bartenders jacking up your tab by putting some drinks you never drank on your bill.

You might see Stormy the Icehog.
You hopefully won't see anyone getting stabbed like you will at certain other hockey player's bars.

You might see all kinds of memorabilia scattered about the bar reminding you of Bates Battaglia when he wasn't a minor-leaguer and was a top-line player with the Canes and the "BBC Line".

You might get hit a few times by ping pong balls as you pass the beer pong tables in there.

You might see the Canes playing on TV, as this is certainly a good place to catch the games.

You might see a certain bald Swede, a certain USS Hal Gill (tm tPB) or select other Leafers (and former Leafs) whenever they are in town to play the Hurricanes:

Behind the Mascot -- Sparky the Dragon

It's time once again to take look behind the stuffing, through the fur and find out who mascots are on the inside. What are their hobbies? What do they do in their spare time and, most importantly, why do they like to eat children? This time, New York's Sparky the Dragon is in the spotlight.

(C) New York Islanders

Name: Sparky

Website: SparkytheDragon.com

Enslaved by: the New York Islanders and New York Dragons (AFL)

Height: 7-3 3/4

Weight: Big enough to eat you

Hatchdate: March 18th, 1814

Hatched: At Nassau Coliseum Hospital, which didn't exist in 1814 and still doesn't exist today.

---

Welcome to BMR, Sparky. It's a pleasure to have you with us.

'Ey it's great ta be heah. Fuggedaboutit.

So tell me, what's with the Jekyll and Hyde thing that you've got going on. You're orange and blue at Islander games and turn red and black when you go to Arena football games.

It's simple ya know. Super powers. I can change my coat whenever I like. And hey, when ya are a seven-foot tall dragon it never hurts to blend in a little, ya know?

Tell me a little bit about the things you do outside of the arena. They do let you leave the Coliseum, right?

Oh yeah. Tons of stuff. Every Sunday afternoon I try and disguise myself as a teenage human and play street hockey with a bunch of kids. I think they caught on pretty quickly but decided to let me stay anyway because I had yet to eat any of them.

So you don't eat people?

Only if they piss me off like the jagoff who was doing 45 on the LIE on the way here.

Remind me never to drive in front of you. I hear you're also down with the Jews.

Oh yeah. I do bah and bat mitzvahs all the time. They really know how to party out here on Lawnguyland.

OK, so I have to ask, what's going on in this photo?

Ha! That's a great story. One day I was a guest instructor at a learn to skate class. I showed the kids how to fend off dragon attacks -- fail their arms up in the air and sing ABBA. Total bull, you know but they bought every second of it. Priceless!

Alright, that's all we have time for today. I'd like to thank Sparky for taking the time to talk to us today and special thanks for not eating me.

...Yet.

All pictures (C) New York Islanders and SparkyTheDragon.com

Behind the Mascot -- Harvey the Hound

It's time once again to take look behind the stuffing, behind the fur and find out who mascots are on the inside. What are their hobbies? What do they do in their spare time and, most importantly, why do they like to eat children? This time, Calgary's Harvey the Hound is in the spotlight.

(C) Calgary Flames

Name: Harvey the Hound

Enslaved by: the Calgary Flames

Height: 6-6

Weight: Big enough to eat you

Shoots (Marks His Territory): Right

(If you think that last one was gross, it's actually on Harvey's profile at the Flames official website. Creepy.)

---

Thank you for taking the time to talk to us today, Harvey. BARKBARKBARK

First off, what brought you to Calgary? SAUSAGES!!!

That's interesting. Now I've been told that you were the NHL's first mascot. What was it like to break the mascot barrier in professional hockey? LOTSOFSAUSAGES!!!

Have you met Willie O'Ree at all? He broke the color barrier in the NHL, being the first African American to play hockey. WOOFWOOF!!GOFLAMESGO!!!

How have things been between you and Mike Keenan in Calgary? HEGAVEMESAUSAGES!!

And speaking of coaches, do you still hold a grudge against Craig McTavish for ripping out your tongue? KILLKILLHATEHATEMURDERMURDERMUTILATE!!!!!

Of course there was also the time you were attacked by a bunch of zombie children. How are you coping? LOTSOFSAUSAGES!!!

Thanks, Harvey. It was nice to meet you and good luck the rest of the season. AREYOUGOINGTOPAYMEINSAUSAGES?!?!

Atlanta Uses Reverse Psychology to Lure Fans to Games

The following pictures are safe for work (I think), but that doesn't make them any less creepy. Thanks to an industrious field reporter (or you can blame them, I'm not sure which) we've got an exclusive report on the Atlanta Thrasher's mascot, Thrash, from last night. Hide the kids. Lock the dog in the basement. This is about to get really ugly.

Apparently, the team let Thrash walk around in only it's underwear last night. Someone in marketing should hopefully be getting fired right about now, cause this is just creepy. Actually, I think our field reporter summed it up best.

"What you can't see are the even creepier Victoria's Secret wings on his back. I think it was "molester night" at Philips Arena."

Molester night, indeed.

But seriously. Who comes up with this crap? And we wonder why there are attendance issues in Atlanta. It's because people want to keep their families away from this. Forget about the hockey action. It's the hot bird mascot action that is keeping them away.

And I think it's safe to say that I'm going to need to pull a page from the Pensblog playbook for one second. With all due respect to them...

Look at the left side of the picture, at that guy with glasses, a headset and talking into his sleeve. Does this mascot really need security? Clearly, it needs a pair of pants.

2007-08 Preseason Foreplay: Carolina Hurricanes

I'm not entirely sure what the link is between an Ice Hog and a Hurricane, but who am I to judge? (C) Carolina Hurricanes

Quick hits

• Eric Staal and his brother kindly reminded us this summer that hockey players can also get arrested.
  
• Former Hurricanes net minder Martin Gerber cannot be stopped in his quest for Stanley Cup glory. Oh, he plays in Ottawa now? Oooh. Sorry, buddy.
• A question posted to Storm Squad member Kerry on the Hurricanes' official website: "What nursery rhyme would you turn into a new rap song? I don't "do" rap."
• The Hurricanes won't win the division this year. Why? Because they've won the southeast three times, with two years in between each victory. This would be the third season since their last title. I know, it's so logical.
• When both the Oilers and Hurricanes failed to make the playoffs last season, it was the first time in NHL history that both Stanley Cup Finalists failed to qualify for the post season.
  

Odds for the folks at gambler's anonymous

12 to 1: Someone will make a NASCAR reference in the comments.

6 to 1: Someone will get mad that someone else made a NASCAR reference in the comments because sweeping generalizations don't heal; they hurt.

Obligatory serious analysis

The Hurricanes did last season what no team had done since the 1938-39 Chicago Blackhawks; miss the playoffs after winning the Stanley Cup in the previous season. Looking to turn things around this season, the Hurricanes will ice essentially the same squad that they did in 2006-07. The lone notable addition is center Matt Cullen, who was a part of Carolina's Stanley Cup victory two years ago. Last season, Cullen had 41 points in 80 games for the New York Rangers. Cullen should be a welcome addition to the East's 7th best offense.

The real key for the Hurricanes this season will be to have many of their younger players prove that their production two years ago was not a fluke. This season, Eric Staal produced 70 points, a full 30 point drop off from his numbers during the team's Cup run. Cam Ward's mind boggling 2.14 GAA and .920 save percentage from the '05-'06 playoffs were nowhere near his numbers last season, after the team decided to dump Martin Gerber and entrust the net to Ward. Ward is going to have to show the world that he won't be remembered for one spectacular playoff run.

Possibly the most serious issue facing the 'Canes this season is their defense. As a team they finished 20th in the NHL in goals allowed last season, and are playing in the high scoring Eastern Conference. The Canes are going to have to find some kids to man the point sometime, as Glen Wesley, Bret Hedican and Frantisek Kaberle are a combined 800 years old.

Prediction: The Hurricanes have a lot to prove and aren't drastically improved from the team that they iced last season. Cullen is a nice addition, but not enough to put them over the top. I think that they will find themselves in the 9th spot at the end of the year.

The best looking ice girls in Carolina
The Hurricanes have a Storm Squad, and this is the best I can do. Sorry.


Previous Editions of Preseason Foreplay

• Atlanta Thrashers - August 15th
• Boston Bruins - August 27th
• Buffalo Sabres - September 21st
  
• Calgary Flames - September 2nd
  
• Chicago Blackhawks - August 24th
• Colorado Avalanche - September 13th
  
• Columbus Blue Jackets - August 22nd
  
• Dallas Stars - August 13th
• Detroit Red Wings - September 25th
  
• Edmonton Oilers - September 1st
  
• Florida Panthers - August 26th
• Los Angeles Kings - September 8th
  
• Minnesota Wild - September 1st
  
• Montreal Canadiens - August 29th
  
• New Jersey Devils - August 19th
• New York Islanders - September 20th
  
• New York Rangers - September 16th
• Ottawa Senators - September 18th
  
• Philadelphia Flyers - September 6th
• Pittsburgh Penguins - September 6th
  
• Phoenix Coyotes - August 14th
• St. Louis Blues - September 9th
• San Jose Sharks - September 23rd
  
• Tampa Bay Lightning - August 18th
• Toronto Maple Leafs - September 11th
• Vancouver Canucks - September 25th
  
• Washington Capitals - September 12th

2007-08 Preseason Foreplay: Vancouver Canucks

Is there really anything more frightening than an orca with a bazooka? Flickr

Quick hits

• The 'Nucks have some interesting looking new jerseys... and math is always fun. Maybe. Not really.
  
• Vancouver has won the Northwest Division two of the past three seasons, their only two Northwest titles.
• The 49 wins and 105 points that the team recorded last season were both franchise records.
  
• Trevor Linden and captain Markus Naslund are first and second on the franchise's all-time scoring list.

Odds for the folks at gambler's anonymous

28 to 1: Due to massive amounts of player injuries, the Canucks will be forced to call up the entire roster of the Manitoba Moose, their AHL affiliate.

Over/under on how many times Roberto Luongo singlehandedly wins a game for the Canucks: 23.

Obligatory serious analysis

The Vancouver Canucks are coming off statistically their best season in team history, which saw them take home the Northwest Division title before losing in the second round of the playoffs to the eventual Stanley Cup champion Anaheim Ducks. The team also gave up the fourth fewest amount of goals in the Western Conference, in large part due to netminder Roberto Luongo. Luongo posted a 2.28 GAA, surprisingly the best mark of his career. His .921 save percentage was the 2nd best in his career, and the highest by any goalie in Vancouver team history. Obviously, the ability of the man between the pipes is not going to be an issue for the Canucks.

What will be an issue for this team is their offense. They are returning the 21st best offense in the NHL, and have not added much talent to it. After much ado, the team finally re-signed fan favorite Trevor Linden, but that's about where the offensive acquisitions end. Byron Ritchie and Ryan Shannon have been added to the roster, but they combined for 25 points last season. The only other acquisition for the forward corps is Brad Isbister, and that's really not even worth mentioning. That is going to be the most pressing question for the Canucks to answer this season (outside of the team's obvious health issues); how can you produce more goals with the same players?

Prediction: As Luongo goes, so goes the Canucks. It's really that simple. The Canucks will have a tough time winning the division, as they did last season. With the Minnesota Wild on the way up and, as I believe, a much improved Avalanche squad on their heels, the Canucks won't be able to repeat as division champs. They will find a way in the playoffs, though. I would imagine at about the 6th spot.

The best looking ice girls in Vancouver
The Canucks do have an ice team, which does have some female members, but I have yet to find any decent pictures. Therefore, we are left with only Pamela Anderson, who was born in Ladysmith, British Columbia. What a shame.



Previous Editions of Preseason Foreplay

• Atlanta Thrashers - August 15th
• Boston Bruins - August 27th
• Buffalo Sabres - September 21st
  
• Calgary Flames - September 2nd
  
• Chicago Blackhawks - August 24th
• Colorado Avalanche - September 13th
  
• Columbus Blue Jackets - August 22nd
  
• Dallas Stars - August 13th
• Edmonton Oilers - September 1st
  
• Florida Panthers - August 26th
• Los Angeles Kings - September 8th
  
• Minnesota Wild - September 1st
  
• Montreal Canadiens - August 29th
  
• New Jersey Devils - August 19th
• New York Islanders - September 20th
  
• New York Rangers - September 16th
• Ottawa Senators - September 18th
  
• Philadelphia Flyers - September 6th
• Pittsburgh Penguins - September 6th
  
• Phoenix Coyotes - August 14th
• St. Louis Blues - September 9th
• San Jose Sharks - September 23rd
  
• Tampa Bay Lightning - August 18th
• Toronto Maple Leafs - September 11th
• Washington Capitals - September 12th

2007-08 Preseason Foreplay: San Jose Sharks

It's usually not a good idea to rob anyone while wearing a gigantic shark costume. (C) San Jose Sharks

Quick hits

• Fear not loyal fan, JR is back in the NHL and he's better than ever!
  
• The Sharks are down with

Odds for the folks at gambler's anonymous

18 to 1: Jeremy Roenick breaks San Jose's single season scoring record. Off the ice.

Over/under on how many arrests mascot SJ Sharkie will have this season: 6


Things that make your eyes bleed

(C) San Jose Sharks

Obligatory serious analysis

Last season, the Sharks set franchise highs in points and wins on their way to a fifth place finish in the Western Conference. In the playoffs, they knocked out the high-flying Nashville Predators before losing to the Red Wings in six games during the second round. One of the biggest stories of the year was the emergence of many young players in San Jose. In his second full season in San Jose, Milan Michalek nearly doubled his point total from the previous season, scoring 66 points in 78 games. That mark put him in 4th place in team scoring. Right behind him were rookies Matt Carle (42 points) and Ryan Clowe (34 points). This year, there is no doubt the Sharks will be looking to those and other young players to step up and help put this team over the top.

On the transaction front, the Sharks made a few moves that should be interesting stories to watch this season. Of course, Mark Bell has been in the news, but that shouldn't affect this organization. Bell was traded to Toronto along with Vesa Toskala earlier this summer, and was later arrested for a drunk driving hit and run incident. Later, he was suspended by the league for 15 games. The Sharks received draft picks back from Toronto for these two, but we'll have to watch Evgeni Nabokov now that he has once again been handed the reigns to the Sharks' net on a full time basis.

More interesting, perhaps, will be the effect of Jeremy Roenick on the team. The enigmatic veteran forward was thought to have retired, but instead has come back to play one more year with the Sharks. His behavior in Phoenix last season was an issue, and Roenick has a habit of making any situation interesting, so this should be a fun storyline to watch.

Other transactions include the addition of defender Alexei Semenov and the losses of Scott Hannan and trade deadline acquisition Bill Guerin. Hannan is a solid defender, but the Sharks have some young kids that can hopefully fill his shoes. Either way, these transactions will be less than important/interesting.

What to look for this season; is Roenick really going to keep his mouth shut and be a team player? and will the young players have as much or more of an impact than they did last season?

Prediction: The Sharks should be up to their old tricks again this season. I figure we'll find them right up there with the Ducks and Stars for the division title yet again. They're going to have a heck of a shot to win the Pacific, with Anaheim's short, tumultuous off-season and Dallas' lack of serious improvement. The Sharks didn't improve a heck of a lot either, which is why I think this will be a serious fight to the finish. I think the Sharks edge out the division title and the second spot in the West.


The best looking ice girls in San Jose
No ice girls in San Jose as far as I know, so it's time for our Celebrity-NHL city connection of the day: Grey's Anatomy's Kate Walsh is from San Jose.



Previous Editions of Preseason Foreplay

• Atlanta Thrashers - August 15th
• Boston Bruins - August 27th
• Buffalo Sabres - September 21st
  
• Calgary Flames - September 2nd
  
• Chicago Blackhawks - August 24th
• Colorado Avalanche - September 13th
  
• Columbus Blue Jackets - August 22nd
  
• Dallas Stars - August 13th
• Edmonton Oilers - September 1st
  
• Florida Panthers - August 26th
• Los Angeles Kings - September 8th
  
• Minnesota Wild - September 1st
  
• Montreal Canadiens - August 29th
  
• New Jersey Devils - August 19th
• New York Islanders - September 20th
  
• New York Rangers - September 16th
• Ottawa Senators - September 18th
  
• Philadelphia Flyers - September 6th
• Pittsburgh Penguins - September 6th
  
• Phoenix Coyotes - August 14th
• St. Louis Blues - September 9th
  
• Tampa Bay Lightning - August 18th
• Toronto Maple Leafs - September 11th
• Washington Capitals - September 12th

2007-08 Preseason Foreplay: Montreal Canadiens

Who doesn't love Youppi? CP

Quick hits

• Youppi is actually a real man who is mute and covered in orange fur.
• The Habs have not won a Stanley Cup in 13 seasons, the longest drought in the franchise's storied history.
  
• Just to remind you how storied that history is... The Pocket Rocket, Henri Richard, won 11 Stanley Cups during his 20 seasons in Montreal. That percentage alone makes Derek Jeter look like a scrub.
• This year the franchise turned 98 years young. I think the present I sent got lost in the mail. Sorry, Montreal.
• FourHabsFans' post on why they hate the New York Rangers is plain fucking awesome. Do yourself a favor and go read it.
  

Odds for the folks at gambler's anonymous

78 to 1: In his return to Montreal on January 8th (provided he doesn't get cut before then), Sergei Samsonov will voluntarily scratch himself from the lineup to commemorate his time in Montreal.

4 to 1: If a poll was conducted, the majority of BMR readers would be in favor of French speaking ice girls.

9 to 1: The Habs will win the Cup this year. After all, they're the sexy pick.


Obligatory serious analysis

Things aren't so bad in Montreal. Well, let's just say that they could be worse. The folks up there have the longest Cup drought in franchise history going, the Habs have stunk up the joint in recent years, and of course there were those shenanigans about an American buying the team a while back. Fear not, Habs fans. Hope is on the way.

Montreal finished two points out of the 8th spot in the East last season, and have, for the most part, taken care of business this off season. First off, the team rid itself of Sergei Samsonov, which is a plus in itself. Despite the loss of Sheldon Souray, the team strengthened it's blue line by re-signing Andrei Markov, Mike Komisarek and adding Roman Hamrlik, Patrice Brisebois and Jamie Rivers. The additions weren't earth shattering, but these players will at least provide experience and depth to their defense.

Up front the team lost Radek Bonk and Samsonov, which isn't that big of an issue considering neither player scored more than 26 points over the course of the season. To replace them, Bryan Smolinski and Tom Kostopoulos have been brought in. They're not a whole lot better than the aforementioned players whose places they will be taking. Kostopoulos is a career depth player and Smolinkski will turn 36 in December and his engimatic personality leaves it almost impossible to tell how well or poorly he will play.

One thing is for sure; how far the Habs go will be only as far as goaltender Cristobal Huet leads them. The Frenchman was a standout two seasons ago when he posted a .929 save percentage and a 2.20 GAA in 33 starts. Last season he split time with David Aebischer, whom has since signed with the Phoenix Coyotes. Aebischer's numbers were weaker than Huet's, but Huet's numbers dropped significantly. Witness a 2.81 GAA and .916 save percentage over the course of 39 starts. In this league you have to have a solid goaltender, and Huet will have to be just that for the Habs.

Prediction: The Habs are going to ride a solid year from Huet, who thrive on being the #1, and finish in the East's 8th spot.

The best looking ice girls in Montreal
There are no ice girls in Montreal (as far as I know), so all we're left with are more Elisha Cuthbert pictures because she's from Montreal. It's too bad, really.


Previous Editions of Preseason Foreplay

• Atlanta Thrashers - August 15th
• Boston Bruins - August 27th
  
• Chicago Blackhawks - August 24th
  
• Columbus Blue Jackets - August 22nd
  
• Dallas Stars - August 13th
• Florida Panthers - August 26th
  
• New Jersey Devils - August 19th
  
• Phoenix Coyotes - August 14th
• Tampa Bay Lightning - August 18th

2007-08 Preseason Foreplay: Florida Panthers

It's a little under seven six five weeks until the 2007-08 NHL season opens in London, England on September 29th (blimey!) and it's time to start previewing the season. I'm starting these season previews really, really early but that's only because there's no way I can write 30 solid previews in only a couple of weeks. If I'm going to preview every single NHL team, and I'm going to try my hardest to do so, it will take all seven weeks and then some... And as you might have guessed, these aren't going to be your standard season previews.

I wonder what's spooked Stanley Panther. TheBestLinks.com

...and today we're moving back to the Southeast Division. I know you're excited. I can barely contain myself.

Quick hits

• Ice Dancer Allie's favorite color is light yellow.
  
• [Insert obligatory joke about how bad the Southeast Division is] The Southeast's new slogan; 'We're not just Carolina and Tampa Bay!'
  
• The Panthers have not made the playoffs for six straight seasons and have not won a playoff series since their magical run to the finals in the spring of 1996. As a matter of fact, they have finished 4th in the Southeast five years running. That has got to be a record of some kind.

Odds for the folks at gambler's anonymous

30 to 1: Tomas Vokoun will break the franchise record for wins in a season (Roberto Luongo, 35 in 2005-06).

3 to 1: Vokoun will not be as drunk as Eddie Belfour on road trips.


Obligatory serious analysis

The Panthers didn't make it onto my list of the Top 5 Most Improved Teams this summer, but maybe they should have been on there. They added Richard Zednik and Radek Dvorak, while acquiring one of the best goalies in the Western Conference last season (despite injury), Tomas Vokoun from the fire sale that is the Nashville Predators. To add to that, the Panthers re-signed their major free agents to monster deals, including Nathan Horton (6 years/$24 million), Jozef Stumpel (2 years/$4.5), Bryan Allen (5 years/$14.5) and Stephen Weiss (6 year/18.6). The Panthers have established who their core players are, that's for sure.

The lone downside to the offseason has been the loss of forwards Martin Gelinas and Chris Gratton, who combined for 79 points in 161 games last season. That being said, the Panthers will be returning 10 players who notched at least 29 points last season. Add Dvoark and Zednik to the mix and their offense shouldn't miss a beat. Last season, the Panthers led the Southeast in scoring and were 5th in the Eastern Conference. As you might expect, the reason they finished so low in the standings was a lack of defense, which was due in large part to the loss of goaltender Roberto Luongo. With the addition of Vokoun, the Panthers have almost completely filled the gap left by Luongo. Add another year of experience to their young defenders, and this team is going to be in playoff contention come April.

Prediction: The Panthers are going to be in the thick of things come playoff time, but I think they'll finish just short; 9th place in the East.

The best looking ice girls in Florida
Chicago owns Florida in this category. So, I'll just show you some more Blackhawk Girls.


Previous Editions of Preseason Foreplay

• Atlanta Thrashers - August 15th
• Chicago Blackhawks - August 24th
  
• Columbus Blue Jackets - August 22nd
  
• Dallas Stars - August 13th
• New Jersey Devils - August 19th
  
• Phoenix Coyotes - August 14th
• Tampa Bay Lightning - August 18th

2007-08 Preseason Foreplay: Tampa Bay Lightning

It's a little under seven weeks until the 2007-08 NHL season opens in London, England on September 29th (blimey!) and it's time to start previewing the season. I'm starting these season previews really, really early but that's only because there's no way I can write 30 solid previews in only a couple of weeks. If I'm going to preview every single NHL team, and I'm going to try my hardest to do so, it will take all seven weeks and then some... And as you might have guessed, these aren't going to be your standard season previews.

I'm not entirely sure why the bee is on the bike. But it is. (C) Tampa Bay Lightning

Now it's time for a visit to the wonderful world of misguided expansion locations; Florida!

Quick hits

• Tampa Bay does not appreciate high save percentages.
  
• [Insert obligatory joke about how bad the Southeast Division is] In Southeast division, merchandise buys you!
  
• Tampa Bay got new owners this off-season, including Doug MacLean. Sorry, Tampa. He's your problem now.
  
• Ok, ok. Last horrible joke. Promise. In Southeast division, hockey plays you!

Odds for the folks at gambler's anonymous

4.5 to 1: The Tampa Bay's Ice Girls are some of the best in the NHL.

Guaranteed to happen: There are at least 10 separate rumors of St. Louis/Richards/Lecavalier trades, and yet all three will remain with the Bolts through the end of the season.

10 to 1: You will forget at some point during the season that the Lightning have, in fact, won more Stanley Cups in the last 10 years than Montreal, Toronto, Philadelphia, the Rangers and Edmonton combined.


Obligatory serious analysis

When it comes to their corps of forwards, the Lightning have some of the best in the Eastern Conference. Their top three of Lecavalier, Richards and St. Louis is one of the best top three in the game, and they get support from defender Dan Boyle, one of the best offensive defense men out there.

The problem is, there isn't a whole lot left to the team after those four and help may not be on it's way. The team has about $23.5 million in cap space used up on those four players alone, which is almost half of their cap space. As you might expect, the rest of the cupboard is pretty bare. Filip Kuba and Vaclav Prospal are solid second tier players, but there really isn't much else there. The team is also going to be dealing with the loss of two big (and I do mean BIG) defenders, 6-foot-3 Cory Sarich and 6-foot-4 Luke Richardson. The team brought in Brad Lukowich to try and fill the gap, but let's face it, Lukowich is only one man.

In net, things aren't much better. The tandem of Johan Holmqvist and Marc Denis can, well... They're really good at standing between the pipes. The combined to start every game for the Bolts last season, and also combined for a GAA a hair over 3 and a save percentage of .888. That's not going to get it done if Tampa wants to win the Southeast. But then again, it is the Southeast.

Prediction: The defense just isn't going to be there, and with much of the conference improved, I'd venture to guess that the Bolts will fall in at about the 10th spot.

The best looking ice girls in Tampa

Ice Girl referees; how did no one think of this sooner?


Previous Editions of Preseason Foreplay

• Atlanta Thrashers - August 15th
  
• Dallas Stars - August 13th
  
• Phoenix Coyotes - August 14th
  

2007-08 Preseason Foreplay: Phoenix Coyotes

It's a little under seven weeks until the 2007-08 NHL season opens in London, England on September 29th (blimey!) and it's time to start previewing the season. I'm starting these season previews really, really early but that's only because there's no way I can write 30 solid previews in only a couple of weeks. If I'm going to preview every single NHL team, and I'm going to try my hardest to do so, it will take all seven weeks and then some... And as you might have guessed, these aren't going to be your standard season previews.

Phoenix is the only team that condones giant rats. (C) Phoenix Coyotes

Continuing in the Pacific Division, today we check in on the Phoenix Coyotes.

Quick hits

• In case you were wondering, Rick Tocchet is still taking the fall for (I assume) Wayne and Janet Gretzky.
  
• New Coyotes GM Don Maloney says that signing Mike York to a one-year deal was his best move since he brought Kirk Muller to Long Island in 1995.
  
• The Coyotes motto for the upcoming season: "We're not the Arizona Cardinals. Honest."

Odds for the folks at gambler's anonymous

6 to 1: The Coyotes finish in the cellar of the Pacific, and continue to remain completely irrelevant for another year.

10 to 1: Rick Tocchet receives a slap on the wrist and also continues to be completely irrelevant.

20 to 1: Alex Auld regrets his decision by October 28th.


Obligatory serious analysis

To put it bluntly, it's going to be a long year in the desert for 'Yotes fans. After finishing dead last in the Western Conference last season, the team overhauled it's front office. The most notable addition was naming Don Maloney General Manager, but I'm not so convinced that move will bring any serious talent to the team (my thoughts on the matter are here). The off season hasn't spurred much more excitement, save for the selection of stud forward Kyle Turris with the third pick in the draft. If Turris' Beirut habits don't hinder his development, he could be a serious star on the team in no time. The only other good news is that JR's time in the desert appears to be over, which should be a plus considering he never added much to the on-ice product.

That being said, there's not a whole lot of other positive things to say about the former Winnipeg Jets.

The Curtis Joseph experiment appears to be over as the Coyotes have signed David Aebischer and Alex Auld this summer, and still have Mikael Tellqvist on the roster. All this has created a nice backlog of average and below average NHL net minders. Despite the fact that Phoenix is in the same division as Anaheim, I can't help but wonder if Brian Burke will try and sell Maloney on Ilya Bryzgalov if the Auld/Aebischer/Tellqvist experiment doesn't pan out.

The corps of forwards isn't looking much better, save for Shane Doan and Steven Reinprecht. Their biggest offensive signing this off season? Mike freaking York. The same Mike York who put up a -18 rating and 21 points in 66 games last season. That's less than half his career average in a given year. There's really not much else to say about Phoenix's forwards. It's so bad over there, they paid Dave Scatchard to leave. Only Columbus, Chicago and Edmonton scored fewer goals than the Coyotes last season, and none of those teams finished higher than 11th in the divsion.

Prediction: It's going to be a long, long year. My bet is the Coyotes finish last out West again this season.

The best looking ice girls in Phoenix

Twins!