Ryan's Beard Quest

The oft injured Marian Gaborik

My dear Barry Melrose Rocksians.... I didn't post on Thursday because of the American holiday of Thanksgiving (you all have heard of it, right?). I hope you were able to drink by your own devices. In any event, now I have a whole week off of work. Left with nothing to do, I have decided this is the perfect opportunity to grow a beard. I have many conditions for which will determine the duration of the beard. The most pertinent for you? I will not shave it until Marian Gaborik plays hockey again. So come on back, son. I'm itchy.

Brian Burke is Magical and Mysterious

New Leafs GM Brian Burke steps off his plane and into the terminal at Toronto International Airport. He is carrying a briefcase in his right hand and only blue Sticky Tac and a credit card in his left. He meets a Leafs intern who was assigned to pick him up at the airport and has a look of complete bewilderment on his face.

BB: What the... How did I get here?

Leafs Intern: Um, you took a plane from Anaheim, sir.

BB: Now why in the hell would I do that?

Leafs Intern: Because you...

BB (interrupts): I DON'T CARE. Where's Sundin? Let me talk to Sundin!

Leafs Intern: He's, um, in Sweden, sir. I can have someone try and contact him if you...

BB (interrupts again): Horton's! Where's the nearest Tim Horton's boy? I haven't had that stuff since I left Vancouver.

Leafs Intern: There's one right over there.

BB: Yes.... Yes... Sweet nectar!

Leafs Intern: Are you OK, sir?

BB: Yes I'm fine. Tell MLSE that I won't listen to their offers unless they put a Tim Horton's on every street corner in Toronto.

Leafs Intern: There is already one on every street corner in Toronto.

BB: So they're on to me. They know my plan. Boy, find Lauren Hodgmon and give this Sticky Tac to her. She'll know what it's for. Right now, I've got business to attend to.

All of a sudden Burke is wearing a cape and mask and bounds off down the terminal. Before he gets out of sight, he stops, looks around and jumps out the nearest window.

Leafs Intern: Oh no... How am I supposed to explain this to my boss?

Please Direction Your Attention To...

The Fanhouse... Your weekly dose of Buys and Sells is up. It's Rant Edition version 2. After I let off so much steam last week, I figured 'why not, let's do it again.' Black third jerseys were the target (no, I'm not being racist).

Hopefully you had a nice Thanksgiving and got up early enough to watch the day games going on today. If you're like me, then you missed the Islanders get trashed by the Bruins and the Flyers and Canes are currently playing a thrilling 1-0 game in the second period. And by thrilling I mean 'probably not very thrilling because it's Carolina and Philly and everyone is still hungover from Thanksgiving dinner.'

Have a Happy

Well, it's been a busy week and I'd like to apologize for being so darn quiet around here. I've actually had four interviews in the past three days and now I think I know what famous people feel like, getting asked the same questions all the time.

We're going to take tomorrow off -- and so should you -- but things will be back to normal on Friday.

One of the oddest things I've noticed through my trek through the real world the last few days is how people handle holiday well wishing. Some people -- not nearly all -- have abbreviated things to the point of absurdity. I heard one person at the end of a phone call say "have a happy turkey." Which, unless you own a pet turkey, is a little odd. But that's fine. We've got X-mas. I can live with that.

The weirdest thing happened a little later in the day. I was really surprised at what I heard. I heard one person say to another, "have a happy." And it's not like I just didn't hear the 'Thanksgiving' part. I was within ear shot. Seriously, is this necessary? At Christmas -- I mean, X-mas -- am I supposed to say "have a merry?" This is a memo I definitely didn't get. Which isn't exactly a surprise, since I don't get any memos ever. But it's confusing nonetheless.

But anyway, to you and yours, have a very, very happy. Or something.

Ryan O'Byrne is Not Well Liked in Montreal Right Now

If you've been following the Montreal Canadiens lately, you have seen that they have not been playing very well. They've lost seven of ten after starting the season 8-1-1. Tonight, things got a little worse thanks to a shootout loss at the hands of the Islanders.

The Habs haven't been playing well as a unit, but a lot -- scratch that almost all -- of the blame for tonight's loss will fall on the shoulders of 24-year old Ryan O'Byrne. Let me set the scene for you. The Habs were leading 3-2 with just under five minutes to go in the third. The Islanders were about to lose a man thanks to a delayed penalty call and then the following happened:

Ohhhhhh boy. That one is gonna leave a mark.

That's right up there on the level of Bryan McCabe. And things like this have a tendency to get people run out of town. I sure hope that isn't what happens to O'Byrne, but fans can be brutal.

The Islanders went on to win in a shootout and O'Byrne never saw the ice again after that play. Chants of "O'Bryne!" came down from the stands in Montreal after the game and this is one loss the fans there may not soon forget.

The weirdest part of the whole play was that the penalty being called was kind of a phantom call. It ended up being a holding call on Sean Bergenheim, but replays showed literally no evidence. Alexei Kovalev fell down at the Islanders blueline on his own and Bergenheim, much less any Islander, was a good ten feet away from him at the time. So, naturally, a psyche-destroying play such as this one occurs on a phantom penalty call. I'm sure O'Byrne is going to love it when he hears about that.

It's Not That We're That Cool, It's That the NBA Isn't

My apologies for the lack of updates in the last 48 hours... I've been traveling nonstop.Well, until now, when I stopped.

So, stop me if you've seen the graph on your right before. Oh you have? Everywhere, you say?

Yeah, me too.

And since everyone and their pet iguana feels the need to comment on it, that's what I am prepared to do in a reoccurring segment entitled "News We're Obligated to Report." It's easy to give in to peer pressure so, what the hell, let's do it. There aren't any drugs or pop music involved, so it can't be that bad to post about.

Anyway, last week the folks over at Supersonics Soul posted up the aforementioned graph on the right. It caused quite a stir in the blogosphere (Imagine that -- bloggers riled up about something). The story even, eventually, found it's way to Deadspin. I guess that's a good barometer for how many people are riled up (i.e. a lot).

So hey, hockey is more popular than another sport. That's news now-a-days. What with the MSM declaring us irrelevant and what not. Good times, really. I don't really see what all the fuss is about.

OK, so the NBA isn't doing so hot. And, as a hockey blogger, I should be happy about that?

Eh. As Lee Corso would say, 'not so fast my friend.'

Frankly, as a hockey blogger, I don't really care what the NBA is doing. Now I shouldn't have my head in the sand either, but I'm not about to start some kind of victory parade. Remember, it wasn't so long ago that my sport was, um, sitting out an entire season.

And what's the most concerning thing about this graph? That the NHL's attendance line hasn't soared as much as the NBA's has dropped. The reason we're winning this attendance is battle is because, yeah, the NBA's attendance has declined so sharply. Meanwhile, the NHL's attendance is kind of puttering along. Getting a little higher here, a little lower there.

Wake me up when our average league attendance increases by 1,000 in five years. That's what the NBA's numbers did from 03 to 07. Now that would be something to get excited about.

Our Condolences to Vancouver as Luongo Express Gets Derailed

Everything was going so well. And then, well, this happened.

I'm far removed from the west coast of Canada, but I imagine Canucks fans are filled with fear and anxiety, hoping their plane that just lost and engine isn't about to fall out of the sky. Yeah, you've still got three good engines, but it's going to be a bumpy ride. And things were looking so good, too. Now Calgary and Minnesota are going to be licking their chops like wolves who smell blood.

So if you know any Nuck fans, do them a favor. Tell them to calm down, shake, slap and repeat as necessary. Hold on folks, we've still got to see what the MRI says.

And before I forget, condolences also go out to commenter VeryProudofYa, whose fantasy hockey team (aka the Roberto Luongo Rape Express) will be out of service for the time being. Please contact Amtrak for a full refund.

Reader Commentary Theater XII

This week, I'll let Statler and Waldorf do the lead in. Enjoy...

Simply another example of the global reach of the Florida Panthers

- Whale4Ever on Oh Jacques Lemaire, You Slay Me

I know and have met Kevin in person and that is indeed him*


*may not be factual

- Going Five Hole on Your Highlight of the Week: For the Record, This is Not Me

The Ducks look stupid!

Is it me or does Ryan Getzlaf look stupid? Jim McIsaac/Getty Images

I learned something this week over at the Times. I learned that making fun of the Ducks uniforms is a surefire way to get a ton of attention, a ton of hits. In that spirit, I'm here to make fun of the stupid Ducks.

- What's the deal with that script? The number font? It looks like they are trying to get me to play at their arcade.

- What is that, black and bronze? This isn't what Gordon Bombay would have wanted.

- Oooooh the D looks like a duck foot! That's so lame! Oh wait. Your team name is the Ducks! Ha! Least intimidating nickname in the NHL

- These stupid uniforms are probably why Brian Burke left. He found foliage more intimidating than waterfowl.

The Versus [drinking] Game of the Week (Washington at Minnesota)

I feel like I don't need a caption

This weekend, I'm going to Kentucky. Yeah,, that Kentucky. The one between Tennessee and Indiana. The one that counts the Predators as their closest hockey team. I'll be doing enough drinking on account of being there that I don't think we need to dedicate a drinking game to the Preds-Blues game. And I'm not so sure that Paul Kariya is of legal drinking age. So we're going to look at Ovechkin and Backstrom and Backstrom and Koivu.

DRINK

... if your hockey team is also a color.

... Every time Niklas Backstrom shoots on Nicklas Backstrom. Or no... wait. Other way around

... and make a dirty joke when Alexander Semin is mentioned. Semin is in the slot! (We're all about maturity here at BMR)

... for every odd man rush. Gotta throw a classic in there at some point, right? And they'll be EXTRA exciting with Minnesota involved

... if "Ovie" makes you giggle. It does me.

As always, I expect commentage. This time, perhaps y'all can invent a Nashville-St Louis drinking game. You're going to need it

Oh Jacques Lemaire, You Slay Me

Credit: AP

Jacques Lemaire may think he's some kind of a cat. Maybe a tiger. Either way, I'm confused. If anyone sees the person who took this photo, please give them a high five for me. This picture is awesome!

Ryan will be here in the morning for your drinking pleasure. Buys and Sells will be up at FanHouse Friday morning, and of course I'll be back here on Friday. Enjoy your Thursday ladies and gents. Stay classy.

BMR Scientists Address Coach-O-Meter 3000, Unveil Newest Creation

At the beginning of the NHL season, the scientists at BMR Laboratories unveiled a creation known as the Coach-O-Meter 3000. Its goal was to accurately predict the job security of one Barry Melrose. On the day Barry was fired last week, the meter read STAMKOS. It was the third highest of the five threat levels. Clearly, it was totally inaccurate. Today, our scientists have released a statement addressing the situation.

Dear Planet Earth,

Last Friday, Barry Melrose was fired as coach of the Tampa Bay Lightning. It was a tragic day and one in which the Coach-O-Meter 3000 failed us all with flying colors.

When an error of this magnitude occurs, the results are never pretty. Rioting in the streets. Tidal waves in Kansas. It was pretty much a doomsday scenario for everyone involved. There is nothing we can do to make up for such a grave error, but we do admit our miscalculation and would like to offer our sincerest apologies.

To try and make up for this, today, we would like to unveil our newest creation. It is not based on science, instead it is based on random chance. We are taking a break from the whole "science" thing for a while. Clearly, we are not good at it.

In an effort to get everyone's minds -- including our own -- off the disaster that occurred on November 14th, we have invented the Rick Tocchet Roulette Wheel of Results. Its main goal is to predict how many wins the Tampa Bay Lightning will have under Interim Coach Tocchet. It is based purely on random chance. Simply print it out, attach one of those spinning arrows to it a the center and enjoy. Maybe you can kill some time at work. Maybe it will make a good chew toy for your dog. At the very least, it will hopefully take your mind off of THE EVENT.

Sincerely,

The Scientists of BMR Laboratories

So there you have it, folks. The Rick Tocchet Roulette Wheel of Results. Will it be right in predicting the Bolts record under their interim coach? Probably not. Will it be entertaining? We sure hope so. Enjoy! And remember, if it lands on Oren Koules you get to spin again and multiply that spin by two. If it lands on Thunder Bug, spin around in circles until you are dizzy and then spin the wheel again.

Your Highlight of the Week: For the Record, This is Not Me

There's only one story this week, as far as I'm concerned. I don't need to tell you about THE EVENT I'm just going to tell you that yes, I'm doing just fine and taking it in stride. Just don't bring up THE EVENT in great detail. It still stings a bit.

And one more thing, contrary to popular belief, this upset gentleman is not me. I repeat, totally not me. I'm sexier and get embarrassed easily in front of a camera (hence all the typing). OK, just the latter. But still.

A Handy Guide: How to Make All Fans Look Bad

Hey there, Dear Reader. Are you looking for a quick way to get the media to question why fans are allowed to vote for the all-star starters? Want them to rehash all their crappy arguments about how we vote in players who don't deserve to go when, in reality, this game is about us, THE FANS and who we want to see? Want the NHL to potentially consider revoking our privilege to vote? (Yes, I said privilege.)

Well then, do I have a deal for you! Simply follow these instructions and you too can screw up the vote for everyone! Woohoo!

Credit: Pensblog

Remember kids, don't rock the vote. Abuse it!

In His Own Words

The last bit of Melrose coverage this weekend will be in video form. Do we know any other way to do things around here? Yeah, but this is always the most entertaining. And it involves less typing. But anyway, we'll take a breather from this story -- assuming nothing really amusing happens -- and leave it at this. Natch, ESPN is all over this one. Enjoy and have a safe weekend everyone.

Reader Commentary Theater XI

We really broke the budget for this picture.

I was all ready to do RCT on Friday and then THE EVENT happened. Sometimes life just throws a fork in your plans... Or distracts you a lot. Somehow I imagine that you guys aren't going to be too upset about RCT occupying a space on Saturday. Heck, you're probably used to it by now.

And now, your comments of the week in no particular order.

Maybe the Rock will sponsor 10 cent beer nights to really fill the place up.

- Black Capricorn on Oh, Those Lovable, Drunken Ranger Fans

I don't have Versus or Rosemount City Council Meetings. I shall spend the evening sober.

- Beth on The Versus [Drinking] Game of the Week (Minnesota at Pittsburgh)

I can't believe "ragging on the Islanders" didn't make the cut.

- Murph on Introducing NHL Blogger Bingo

This one time a Chief got a hattie and I wanted to throw my bra but I didn't know if it was in the law or whatever to award some bright young 17 year old whippersnappers' with tossing my WonderBra. Plus going to guest services after the game to retrieve it would have been awkward.

- Wrap Around Curl on A Handy Guide to What We Missed This Weekend: 11.10.08

And Now For Coherent Reaction to the Melrose Firing

My super serious, super coherent reaction to the Melrose firing can be seen, read and smelled (minty fresh!) over at Fanhouse. While I hate to deprive you of non-stop coverage of the event, similar to every major cable news network's coverage of the 2008 Presidential Election, super serious just doesn't happen around here. It's how I stay level. Or Zen. Something like that.

I've got a couple thoughts that I would like to share with you fine folks on the issue, and of course, you're always welcome to add your own in the comments.

1. This had more to do with things going on behind the scenes than the Bolts record. I know what you're going to say, this is the NHL and teams are quick to the trigger. Well, yes, but this case is different. These are new owners and this was Their Guy. They picked him before they even gained official ownership of the organization. Unless they're completely insane, which I guess is theoretically possible considering everything, there's no way they can fire Their Guy five weeks into the season. Unless the team is somehow out of playoff contention, you cannot possibly give someone five weeks to get things going. That's not to mention that this is a guy who hadn't coached in over a decade.
2. I'm not being a homer about this. I promise. I could care less if Barry was Bolts coach. I'd rather watch him on ESPN than Sun Sports any day.
3. If, somehow, I happen to be correct about #1 then what the heck did Barry do/say behind the scenes to get axed? We need to know. Blackjack and hooker party for whoever can shed some light on this.
4. OK, you're right, Barry simply may not have had it. From openly criticizing his star players from the get go, to the rumblings that he didn't have 'it' anymore, this probably isn't a guy that can coach in the NHL. But, there's one caveat:
   
5. No matter how many off-season acquisitions this team made, they still were not leaps and bounds better than last year's edition on paper. Sure, the forwards are an elite group on this team on paper, but in reality they haven't been playing like it. Roberts and Malone are doing next to nothing and Mark Recchi is their second leading scorer. The same Mark Recchi who was given up for dead by the Penguins last year.
   
6. Hastily trading away Carle, O'Brien and Ouellet like they were bad mortgages didn't help a an already craptastic defense that has given up the most power play goals in the league. How Lukas Krajicek and Steve Eminger were supposed to fix that is beyond me. Mike Smith and Olaf Kolzig are acceptable in net, but they really aren't getting help from the blueliners in front of them.
   

That's all I've got for now. Again, if you need to read more on this as typed by yours truly -- although I can't imagine why you would -- head on over to FanHouse. There will be more on this over the weekend, as you can probably imagine.

BREAKING NEWS: MELROSE FIRED, ARMAGEDDON IMMINENT

File photo: Melrose giving NHL analysis on ESPN, half drunk, half stoned. Hotstovenewyork.com

As of 4:30 PM EST, the Tampa Bay Lightning have announced that Barry Melrose has been fired. Rick Tocchet has been named interim head coach and time as we know it has stopped. This may be the end, folks. The world has started spinning 10 times faster than normal and the animals are all migrating west. Something is wrong on Planet Earth. We're not sure exactly what is going on, as we're the stupid humans who are so disconnected with nature the only inevitable outcome has always been our complete and total demise. However, stay with BMR all day and night, as we'll have more on this and OH GOD... WHAT IS THAT?!? NO! NOOOO! RUUUUUUNNN!!!!!

OH GOD IT'S SO... SO... ARGHHHHHHH MY ARM!!! SAVE YOURSELF, READERS! SAVEEEEE YOURSELFFFFF!!!! AHHHHH!!! DON'T BITE MY SPLEEN!! WHAT THE HELL? WHAT KIND OF MONSTER BITES SOMEONE IN THE FREAKING SPLEEN??? OH NOO....

*deathly silent silence persists. sun disappears behind pitch black cloud cover.*

Now You Can Pretend the NHL is Still on ESPN

Are you a hockey fan that still doesn't have access to Versus? Or maybe you have Versus and their coverage makes you cry yourself to sleep every night? Do you long for the days of Gary Thorne and Bill Clement calling NHL games on ESPN?

Well, if you answered yes to any of those questions, I have a deal for you!

It's called ESPN the Microphone and now you can pretend that whatever hockey game you are watching is being televised on ESPN! Heck, you'll even have the best play-by-play man/woman in the business, YOU!

You can thank me later folks, right now go out and buy it before it's sold out. Because, you know, how could it not sell out?

Now let's kick it back to John Buccigross and Barry Melrose in the NHL2Night Studio! See? I've already got mine and it's AMAZING.

Oh, Those Lovable, Drunken Ranger Fans

They're just perpetuating stereotypes of themselves all over the tri-state! Yes I know, one or two bad eggs doesn't give me the right to make sweeping generalizations about an entire fanbase, but you forgot one simple thing -- I don't care. That's not to mention that this is one of the very, very few things that Islander, Flyer AND Penguin fans can all agree on. That, and the fact that Sonic should open locations all over the eastern seaboard.

To be fair, all teams have their drunken fans who get kicked out, and only in very rare instances do we have the privlidge of it being completely hilarious. So for their hard work at The Rock the other night, I would like to thank these Ranger fans for their efforts in entertaining us.

And now back to your regularly scheduled Ryan Programming.

h/t Deadspin

Finally, I can get down to hating the Maple Leafs

Ass Danny Moloshok/Reuters

I have to tell you, I have just never shared the animosity towards the Leafs that Kevin or probably you ever have. They aren't in the same conference as the Wild, so what do I care? I'm pretty indifferent to the Sabres, Bruins, Canadiens and Panthers too. My vitriol, historically, has been for places like Vancouver, Colorado and Anaheim. Of course, the Canucks and Ducks both have featured Brian Burke, the douchebag, as a GM.
Today, we have breaking news: Brian Burke has resigned as the Ducks GM.
Included in TSN's story is this chestnut

"In any case, it would seem all but certain that Burke will find his way to Toronto as the Leafs' top hockey man."

Finally, I can get behind hating the Leafs. I hate Burke so much.

The Versus [drinking] Game of the Week (Minnesota at Pittsburgh)

The Wild, for those that didn't know, is my team. Before I post at BMR, I come out of my room, touch the Marian Gaborik jersey on my wall, go to the computer and start typing (it's not a superstition. I just have a small apartment. I touch the refrigerator and my television before I start typing as well). That being said, this is a big week for me. Let's get it on.

Drink

...if they call Pierre-Marc Bouchard "Butch". Ever seen the guy? I know its close to his name, but Butch just doesn't fit.

... if you still haven't figured out the Wild logo. (It's a cat of some sort)

... if the phrase "you lay on the ice like a broad" is uttered. Twice if it's to Brian Bellows.

... again if they try to dance around the word "titf**ker"

... anytime you our your friends say "titf**ker"

... if they try to compare Benoit Pouliot and James Sheppard to Evgeni Malkin and Sidney Crosby

... any time you think the Penguins would be better if they were narrated by Morgan Freeman

Introducing NHL Blogger Bingo

If you happen to be bored at work today -- and trust me you're going to have to be in a dire situation to want to do this -- I've got a new game to help you get through the day. It's NHL Blogger Bingo and yes, of course, it's fun for the whole family. The NHL blogosphere is a fun and diverse bunch, and what better way to celebrate it than by doing a sort of bingo/scavenger hunt thing?

Here's how it works. While you're reading through your daily allotment of NHL blog posts, be it through a feed reader, your favorites or what have you, simply check off a box when you see a post that matches one of the descriptions on your bingo card. I've already given you a free space, which is posts involving a YouTube video. That one is just too easy, especially around these parts. So today, the first person to get two lines, straight or diagonal, in any direction wins. There aren't really any prizes, but isn't the time you kill playing this more than worth it? I thought so.

This January, Vote Roenick!

Last Thursday, the NHL released the names that would be on the 2009 NHL All-Star Ballots. As you might expect, one very important name was left off. One name, that bears more awesomeness than Barack Obama and Quantum of Solace put together.

Of course, I'm talking about JR. Jeremy Roenick.

Regular readers need no introduction and neither do vintage video game addicts. But for the rest of you, which is probably like two people, please take a look at the awesomeness that is JR to get yourself familiar with the man. Around these parts, his awesomeness is unparalleled.

So that's all you need to do. Go out and do your civic duty -- cast a ballot for the All-Star Game. Just remember who the best player and one of the most fan friendly players in the NHL is.

That's all I have to say about that.

I'm not out to start a Vote for Rory or anything. That's the last thing we want to happen -- writing in a Rebel Who Doesn't Play By the Rules such as JR becoming the "cool thing" to do. It would be a mockery of all JR is about. But if you're "with it" and "in the know" I don't even have to tell you to cast a write in vote for JR. You probably were already going to do it because you're that awesome.

To keep tabs on JR during the campaign, we've given him his own Twitter account here at BMR.* Hopefully the world does not implode when he gains millions of followers overnight. But on the bright side, you can keep up with him better, and potentially have a hand in Armageddon. And that's something we can all get behind!

* - May not accurately reflect the real Twitter account of Jeremy Roenick. We can only dream what that would be like.

Your Highlight of the Week: 11.10.08

In keeping with our YouTube Diet (it's all the rage in Hollywood, I hear) there's only one featured highlight for the past week. It's brought to us by Miro Satan, the Pittsburgh Penguins and the letter F.

In this case, F stands for Freaking Fantasmic. That's right. Fantasmic. That's how good this play was. It gets it's own word. It's a combination of fantastic and cataclysmic. So enjoy and remember, don't mess with Satan. You'll thank me later.

Now why the hell didn't Miro do cool stuff like this on Long Island?

A Handy Guide to What We Missed This Weekend: 11.10.08

[ It's Official -- The Bruins are Now Being Treated Like Rock Stars ]

AP

Things have been going well in Boston lately. The Bruins are in first place in the Northeast and 2nd overall in the Eastern Conference with 19 points. Marc Savard is firing on all cylinders and Tim Thomas apparently is an unstoppable goal tending machine. The goalie is a wall! Like they used to say in Wayne Gretzky's 3D hockey.

Now, it turns out, the people of Boston are starting to treat their Bruins like rock stars. Or they might just be hitting on them in a not so subtle way.

When Bruins rookie winger Blake Wheeler slid the puck 90 feet into the Maple Leafs’ empty net with 52.3 seconds left, completing his hat trick and giving the B’s a 5-2 victory, it brought the standard cascade of hats from the stands.

And something else: one bra.

“I’ve never seen that before,” said Wheeler. “I guess I’ll have to autograph it and hang it up somewhere around here.”

Sweet. Expect the B's to be getting trashed with groupies in the dressing room before they go on stage. And during. And after.

[ Roberto Luongo: Carrying Fantasy Hockey Teams Everywhere ]

If you lie still and listen, you can hear the heartbeat of a million hummingbirds. (REUTERS)

Sure, the Vancouver Canucks have won three games in a row but there's a more interesting storyline to their 9-6 season. Goaltender Roberto Luongo's shutout streak is making fantasy owners everywhere giddy.

I think commenter VeryProudofYa put it best by referring to his team as the "Luongo Rape Express." Graphic and potentially offensive, yes, but still the most accurate description of a three game shutout streak to date.

Vancouver's next game is Wednesday at home against Colorado. The Avs have lost five of six and have only scored four goals in their last three games. The forecast for Wednesday calls for a save storm with a chance of a good ol' fashioned whoopin'.

[ Bettman is an Islander Fan. It All Makes So Much Sense Now. ]

I now understand why the Islanders haven't won a playoff series since 1993 and done next to nothing since then. On February 1, 1993 Gary Bettman was appointed commissioner of the NHL and has since been secretly managing the Islanders. It all makes so much sense now. Credit goes to the New York Times on this one, who wrote an article on Bettman in his own words.

"I grew up principally in a single-parent household in Queens County on Long Island. When it came to rooting for sports teams, I gravitated toward expansion teams. Sports fans often pass down the history of their favorite teams to their children, but with an expansion team, you’re living the team’s history from the start. I became a Mets fan, as well as a Jets and an Islanders fan."

Today is the Day I Accept My Fantasy Hockey Shortcomings

Once upon a time, BMR had some fantasy hockey leagues. They were great leagues, with owners who kept up with their teams regularly. Fast forward to today, and the leagues are still humming along smoothly, except that they have not been featured on the front page of the blog. And it's all because I can't come to grips with my own fantasy shortcomings. I apologize for my negligence and hope that you all won't hold it against me.

I used to blame Marian Gaborik's "lower body injury" and Kari Lehtonen's stiff back but I've realized my error. The fate of my fantasy team rests more in the crappy defense I drafted and less in the fact that Marty Turco sucks ass this year. OK, maybe it's not totally my fault, but those aren't reasons for me to not provide you with updates on the standings.

In the Super Duper Invitational League, here's how things look. Sleek, McErlain and Pensblog are the top three while Loser Domi, Scotty Hockey and yours truly are keeping the basement occupied.

In the Free-For-All League, things are quite a bit different. The Windy City Duo of Patrick Kane and Patrick Sharp are singlehandedly keeping me in this thing. Stamkos Shmamkos is your current leader, followed by Tugnutt and Joe Juneau. My roommate, who doens't know a whole lot about hockey, is stuck in last. Suck it Jason.

Your standings are as follows:

Reader Commentary Theater X: We Shall Overcome

This picture has nothing to do with anything. And yet everything.

I'll address Ryan's fantasy hockey post tomorrow. I plan on moving past the denial stage and into the acceptance stage of my teams' suckiness sometime in the next 24 hours. But that's not what this post is about.

This post is about you, the reader. And props to you, for this week you overcame a commenting scare. For a while there the comments were broken, but you waited patiently and then when they were fixed, put your best foot forward. It was a dark and scary time to be sure, and we will never forget the comments that were lost or unable to be submitted. A moment of silence for them, please.

**

And now, your comments of the week.

Eagan, Apple Valley, AND Rosemount?
Wow, that's just too much excitement for one night.

- Elise on The Versus [drinking] Game of the Week (Pittsburgh at Detroit)

So what you are saying is that metaphorically the country is tied to a ship's mast and screaming "I'm sailing, I'm sailing"?

- BlackCapricorn on Well, That Was Interesting Now Wasn't It?

I live in a not so savory part of my town. And people frequently will get DUIs. Even though they are on a bike. Not a motorcycle bike. But a bicycle.

- Wrap Around Curl on A Handy Guide to What You Missed This Weekend

Fantasy Hockey Update

One last thing before my usual Thursday allotment comes to a close. I feel it's my duty to mention the BMR Invitational, since Kevin has mysteriously kept mum on it. We're a month into the season. Why WOULDN'T he mention it? Earl Sleek is in the lead, yours truly finds himself in a disappointing 7th place. What's this? Kevin? Kevin finds himself in 12th. Yes, 12th place, AKA DEAD FREAKING LAST!

The Rangers Would Like Compensation for Cherepanov

I'm not really sure what to say about this one. It's a very touchy subject, and the Rangers have approached it in that way, which is good. I'll let Larry Brooks explain.

The Rangers New York Rangers are seeking a compensatory selection in the 2009 NHL Entry Draft for the loss of Alexei Cherepanov, The Post has learned.

Glen Sather raised the issue at the general managers' meeting in Chicago two weeks ago, citing CBA Article 8.3 (b) that stipulates that compensatory picks be awarded to teams unable to sign first-round draft picks.

Sather is submitting that the Rangers should receive the 17th selection in the second round of June's draft as compensation for losing Cherepanov, the 17th overall selection in the 2006 Draft who died in Russia on Oct. 13 while playing for Omsk.

Wow. Well... Um. I mean, they are technically entitled to a compensation pick. They are between a rock and a hard place. There may no be any easy way to go about this. Business is business and you have to move on at some point. Sure is a unique and interesting situation, though. James Mirtle has an interesting poll on the subject, and his readers are pretty definitive on the subject. I'll leave you all to judge this one as well because I'm pretty toungue tied.

Brits Have an Odd Definition of Sport

So I was over on the frontpage of the BBC earlier (don't ask) and I'm not quite sure how it happened... But someone goofed.

Last I remember, the 'Sport' section over in Britain was British for what we Americans on this side of the pond know as the 'Sports' section. Apparently, that's not the case anymore. Now, it means such things as:

• Obama and Bush to meet next week
• IMF cuts economic growth forecast
• Bomb hits Pakistan tribal elders

But I digress. It's hard to criticize such a goof when I make similar errors every day. What I can do though is make friendly suggestions for other headlines in their Sport section.

• Ga. man cleaning with blowtorch sets house on fire
• Jogger Runs Mile With Rabid Fox Biting Her
• Man, 73, Scores In College Hoops Game

With all the new attention these sports will recieve from the BBC website, I imagine we will see some changes in the sports world. Next week ESPN will announce plans to launch a new network, ESPN Old School, dedicated to serving the 55-75 demographic. The International Olympic Committee also chooses to add events in Blowtorch Housecleaning and a special 4x400 meter relay where competitors run while attached to rabid animals. The fun starts when the animals have to be handed off to teammates after each lap.

The Versus [drinking] Game of the Week (Pittsburgh at Detroit)

If you were curious, my cable remains of the super basic variety, which is fine. I get ESPN, CBS, Fox and all manner of public access. If I wanted to, i could watch the city council meetings of Eagan, Apple Valley AND Rosemount all in one night! So while you kids are playing a drinking game during what could be one of the better hockey games of the regular season, I'm going to go ahead and play the Apple Valley City Council meeting drinking game (drink every time they say councilmember, committee and every time the camera focuses on someone who isn't talking. Keep drinking until that person talks or the camera angle changes)
As for you crazy kids, I expect to see some more rules in the comments.

DRINK

... through every highlight clip of Marian Hossa in a Pens uniform

... when Doc Emrick fawns over Sidney Crosby. Add a drink every time he slurps Crosby but doesn't mention Malkin.

... five times if someone slips in a dirty joke about an octopus

... for every shift Chelios rolls out for (assuming Yahoo is right and he comes back next week). Twice if he is older than a parent. Three times if he is older than a grandparent*. If he is stll on the IR, well, then, just drink when they mention him

... Every time "Barack Obama" is said with a Canadian accent.


* Chris Chelios is 46. I understand that grandchildren of 46 year olds are probably small kids. BMR does not support infant alcoholism.

Commenting is Now Fixed

So for a while now we've had embedded comments on the site. Personally, I think that it's been a great addition to the site. What used to happen is that you would click on the comment link, and it would take you away from the post, away from the site and to a new page altogether. Instead, embedded comments let you click through and still be at BMR with the comments you clicked on following the full version of the post. Pretty neat, I think.

Anyway, fast forward to the past few days and some of you have contacted me saying that you aren't allowed to comment on the site. I haven't changed a thing, but apparently the folks at Blogger messed it up. I'm not sure what's going on exactly, but for the time being I have switched the site back to the old commenting format. This way we can at least keep in touch while Blogger gets their issues resolved. Thanks for your patience.

- Kevin

Tom Renney is Not Very Excited

Your morning YouTubage... Enjoy!

Well, That Was Interesting Now Wasn't It?

Wow. That's about all I can say.

This is a blog about sports. Sports are here to get our minds off crummy, boring things like politics. But screw that, we're going to take one post off to talk about this.

First thought -- I was starting to honestly believe that Bush would never leave office. Like this was some kind of nightmare we couldn't wake up from. I'm glad he didn't win the election tonight. That would have made me move to Canada or Europe. Hopefully we survive the next 2 1/2 months while he moves out.

Second thought -- All Americans should pat themselves on the back. The news networks were predicting voter turnout up to 90% and if we got anywhere remotely close to that, no matter who you voted for, you deserve to be commended.

Third and final thought -- When was the last time there was dancing in the streets because of an election? Think about that for a second. Even if you voted against Obama, rationalize that. Dancing in the streets. I thought that was reserved for revolutions and what not. People really, truly, give a shit about the democratic process again. Kind of neat to see.

And in a few years we could be fighting a Civil War, or the Chinese could invade or the economy could be even worse. So this might all be for nothing... But hey, one kick ass night will do for now. Baby steps, people. Baby steps.

New Jersey Devils Declare Open Season on Their Defense

NOTICE TO EASTERN CONFERENCE TEAMS

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

AP

(Newark, NJ) -- Today, November 4th, the New Jersey Devils are proud to announce an unprecedented offer to any and all NHL teams located in the Eastern Conference. The Devils are declaring open season on their defense and free points in the standings in exchange for a higher drafting position.*

Due to unforeseen goaltending complications, the Devils have declared a sale on all defensive aspects of their game. Everything must go! Yes, for the low, low price of higher drafting position you can be the proud recipient of extra offense if your team is scheduled to play the Devils during the remainder of the season.

During a press conference earlier today at The Rock, Devils GM Lou Lamoriello commented on his team's unprecedented offer.

"Let's face it, our season is now in jeopardy," Lamoriello said while addressing the local press. "We had two options here. Either we could struggle our way through the year and probably fall short anyway, or we can cut our losses and get out now. We chose the latter."

Lamoriello went on to say that the offer will not be valid for the New York Rangers and Islanders. When asked why that was he told them to "suck it" and that "they will have to earn their points the old fashioned way." And as a final act of vengeance, he randomly fired three staff members.

* - Offer not valid in New York City or Long Island.

Tuesday's Hockey News

It's the election day edition of THN (not to be confused with this THN). Aren't you glad you skipped work for this?

But seriously folks, go out and vote. CNN is reporting that 90% of us are expected to, and that's pretty good. But we can do better. I know we can give 110%. Anyway, on to the news!

Peoria Pelicans - At their game tonight against Wichita, anyone dressed as John McCain or Barack Obama gets in for half price. Ladies dressed as Sarah Palin get in free. Ladies dressed as Hillary Clinton are turned away at the door.

New Jersey Devils - Have announced that their newly finished robot, named Martin Brodeur Jr., will start in goal for the foreseeable future. GM Lou Lamoriello disabled the previous robot, Martin Brodeur, after it short circuited at practice on Sunday. Lamoriello said the elder Brodeur Robot had reached the end of it's useful life.

Saskatoon Skaters - Announced that they will give free tickets to any Canadian who sneaks into America and casts a vote for Mickey Mouse.

A Handy Guide to What You Missed This Weekend: 11.3.08

[ Drinking and Driving is Still Illegal ]

OK, I'm going to say this for the last time people. Driving anything that can remotely be construed as a motor vehicle, also known as something with a motor that gets you from place to place, is illegal if you are under the influence of alcohol. Now this may come as no surprise to, well, all of you but there are a select few that need an extra reminder.

Motorized Cooler Man, I'm looking at you.

You too, Drunk Zamboni Driver Lady.

While it may seem harmless to take your motorized cooler or Zamboni out for a spin on Friday night, you need to be careful. You might just get a DUI for it as an unidentified Kingsillve, Ontario woman did recently.

At around 9:40 p.m. Thursday, an off-duty Kingsville OPP sergeant who happened to be at the arena was approached by a number of citizens telling him "I think the Zamboni driver is drunk."

On more than one occasion the Zamboni struck the boards and at one point the machine was stopped and the woman was slumped over the steering wheel.

Remember Zamboni drivers, always give the bartender your keys.

[ Words "Puck" and "Daddy" Not Found in Vocabulary of MSM ]

A funny subplot has unfolded after Puck Daddy's interview with Alexander Semin last week. Of course you probably know about the fun things that Semin said, which have now taken on a life of their own in the North American media.

What you might have missed is how the Main Stream Media is handling a, you know, blog beating them to the punch on a big story. Sean Leahy has the recap of their reactions and to summarize, they're either: A) Still not sure what a blog is or B) Completely in denial about the whole situation.

If you want a complete recap, head on over to the always informative Going Five Hole. I've copied the funniest example over here.

"But he was in fine form for a Russian publication when saying, basically, that Sidney Crosby is overrated. "

Yes folks, that is from Jim Matheson of the Edmonton Journal. Mr. Matheson either things the folks over at Puck Daddy are Russian, which is a mistake that could be avoided with simple fact checking. And to think I thought the MSM always fact checked! I am so naive.

[ The Revolution Has Started in Toronto ]

On Friday a group of Toronto Maple Leafs bloggers started a revolution in T.O. They're tired of the Toronto media trashing on the fans -- which honestly is a bit confusing -- because the fans, well, aren't actually in charge of the team. Most recently it was Howard Berger of HockyBuzz calling them the Most Valuable Losers.

"...we've seen the same cookie-cutter article before from virtually everyone who covers the team.

Quite frankly, we've had enough.

As fans, we believe that those most deserving of our praise and our scorn are directly involve in the game, whether it's on the ice, in the press box or in the executive corridors. Fans don't pencil in the starting five, make bad trades, or write the headlines of the day and shouldn't be blamed (or praised) for the totals in the wins and loss column."

Wait, so fans don't create the starting lineup? So you mean to tell me Garth Snow has been ignoring me all this time? And to think I just thought that he couldn't read my hand writing. Garth, two words: Fire Hilbert.