Adventures in Photo Captioning...

The Versus [drinking] Game of the Week (Buffalo at New Jersey)

I spent all day yesterday moving. I've been ready for this for about a week now, but thanks to some confusion involving an insurance company and the senility of the old lady whose place I moved in to, I had to do everything yesterday. It was brutal. And now I had to get up and be to work by 6 this morning. Awful.

The best part? After this brutal day I set everything up and found out that this dumbass forgot to turn off her cable. That meant that, sure, I'm able to siphon hers, but they won't let me switch my better cable over here. I had the first chance to watch the Wild in full all season, but the game was on FSN (Channel 61) but she only wants up to 25. Thank goodness I can watch all the public access I want. I guess what I'm trying to say is Monday can't come soon enough. Beeeeer.

DRINK

... on every shot if you are a fan of either team. If you live in Buffalo OR New Jersey, I'm doing you a favor.

... if the commentators hypothesize as to exactly how Elias got the hepatitis during the lockout.

... once for every syllable of Pierre-Luc Letourneau-Leblond's name that is not pronounced. Drink twice if what they say is still longer than your name.

... when Kevin Weekes is sho.... Kevin Weekes is still alive?! Let's all just drink to that!

... until this makes you throw up. It shouldn't take long.

...once if Maxim Afinogenov is declared chancellor of a small European principality based solely on his name.

Q&A With Pond Hockey Producer Andrew Sherburne

Over the past week, I have had the pleasure of exchanging emails with one of the producers of the new documentary film Pond Hockey that debuts in select theaters tomorrow. Andrew Sherburne was nice enough to give us some of his time, and put up with a couple of my inane questions. Our discussions are as follows.

To get the best reading experience out of this, imagine the two of us smoking pipes during a fireside chat in his study. The walls are lined with many leather bound books and a large portrait of Wayne Gretzky rests above the mantle.

BMR: First off, why did you choose pond hockey to be the subject of the film? What was the motivation behind it?

AS: Growing up in Minnesota everybody played hockey. It was a part of life, no different than going to school or playing tag. We had been wanting to do a hockey film for a few years and when the US Pond Hockey Championships started up in Minneapolis we knew there would be a story, so we started shooting. As it turned out, the story was much more than just a standard sports tournament doc - will they win or won't they - it became a study in the changing culture of sports.

BMR: You're talking to die-hard hockey fans here, but for those of us that haven't grown up in an area of the continent where pond hockey is prominent, what's the big deal? Why is this any better than hockey on an indoor rink?

AS: Basketball on the scalding blacktop, baseball at the neighborhood sandlot and hockey on a frozen pond. There's sports for the love of playing and then there is competitive, organized sport. There's a big difference, and even though both have their place, why wouldn't you choose endless puck on the pond over a climate-controlled arena? There's just something special about skating on a frozen lake with the wind in your face, frozen toes, snowbanks for boards, your sticks in
the middle and all of your buddies on one rink. You play until the light is gone, not until the buzzer sounds.

BMR: Since pond hockey tends to be backyard style, did the tournament games end only when someones Mom came out and yelled that dinner was ready?

AS: No, but I noticed that everyone did run inside when the last keg was tapped.

BMR: Is there anything, in your opinion, that can be done to get more people playing outdoors?

AS: There are so many reasons why outdoor hockey is less common these days. Video games, over-scheduled families, even global warming. But I think that the ponds still thrive in places where there's a community around the rink. It takes a special person to play for hours by themselves (Gretzky). Most of us love playing on the pond because that's where our friends are. It's a snowball effect, the more people that are out there the more people will want to be out there.

BMR: Video games, families and global warming... That's a very interesting list of enemies that pond hockey has. Have the Pond Hockey Overlords discussed any plans for world domination and eliminating their enemies?

AS: Well, we successfully lobbied for the NHL to be taken off of network TV. We thought that would help get people off the couch, but it just didn't last. Now we're working on dismantling the free markets, hoping people save money by skating outdoors for free. That plan is working out well so far.

BMR: You guys interviewed Wayne Gretzky in the movie. If you can even put it into words, how was that?

AS: Amazingly normal and simultaneously awesome. There's nothing like meeting one of the greats and feeling like its just a casual chat. He's such a busy guy but once we could find a time to meet he was more than happy to talk about his experiences growing up.

BMR: What pro/former pro players did you encounter at the US Pond Hockey Championships?

AS: We've been back for three straight years. Phil Housley's been out there, Tom Chorske, Gordie Roberts. Those guys won Stanley Cups and Housley's the second highest scoring American ever. There they were duking it out with a bunch of rink rats and former college standouts. Krissy Wendell, current USA team captain was out there playing with men. There were quite a few other guys who had played in the NHL, the minors or overseas for a few years. Let me put it another way, I certainly belonged behind the camera, not on the ice.

BMR: OK, be honest. When the teams picked sides, who got selected last?

AS: Actually Don Beaupre was there, but goaltending isn't allowed. That probably didn't help his draft stock.

BMR: In ten words or fewer, explain why hockey fans need to see this movie.

AS: It's the opposite of the Love Guru. Also, Gretzky.

Mr. Sherburne is one of the filmmakers behind Pond Hockey, which opens tomorrow in select locations. It was developed by Northland Films who have produced many feature films. Pond Hockey is the company's first documentary.

Tuesday's Hockey News

Hey look! It's Tuesday. That can only mean one thing. OK, two things: It's some type of two-fer Tuesday at every radio station on Earth and it's time for another edition of Tuesday's Hockey News. Speaking of Tuesday, does anyone know if Domino's is still doing that Two Times Tuesday thing?

Vermont Icecats - Issued a press release condemning our analysis of their arena project last week. They then rambled on incoherently about how BMR is "the man" and is holding them down. The release was issued incomplete, as the PR manager fell asleep mid-paragraph, with the TV on and a half empty pint of Ben and Jerry's melting in his lap.

Lockton Lemurs - Have announced that they are filing for bankruptcy after losing a lawsuit in Minnesota Supreme Court last week. The Lemurs were being sued over the "Big a Lemur to Lockton Arena" Promotion in which fans were encouraged to bring Lemurs to the October 16th game against the Minnetonka Marauders. Six fans were bitten by rabid Lemurs in what is being called the biggest disaster in MJCCHL history.

Minnesota State University - Forward Zach Harrison scored a shorthanded natural hat trick against the North Dakota Fighting Sioux. And, as you probably figured out, this is the one that isn't fiction.

You Don't Know Stamkos

Thanks to reader Michael B, we've got a look at a new Nike spot featuring Tampa's Wonder Child, Steven Stamkos. It is in recognition of Stamkos' first game in his hometown of Toronto, which happens to be tonight when the Lightning faceoff against the Leafs in the Big TO at 7:30pm. (OK, so he was technically born in Markham, Ontario, but it's a suburb of Toronto.)

Here's a little more info on the ad:

Even before becoming first pick in the 2008 NHL Entry Draft, Steven Stamkos had a history of being first. But that was then - and no one makes it in the big leagues by living in the past.

Today (Oct.28) marks the first time Steven Stamkos will play in his hometown of Toronto as an NHL athlete. The moment only happens once in a lifetime. To mark this significant date and introduce Stamkos as a Nike athlete this Just Do It (JDI) spot had been just released online.

It's a pretty sweet commercial, if you ask me. All the footage from his childhood really makes it great. Gotta love Nike. You can always count on them to make sick commercials, no matter the athlete or sport that is involved.

Highlight of the Week: 10/27/08

Mondays here at BMR mean a look back at the best plays from the last week. During the regular season and throughout the playoffs, I'll be recapping the best videos from around the NHL during the last seven days.

In keeping with our YouTube diet, I've selected only one highlight to grace our weekly feature. But let me tell you, it's a good one.

On Friday night, the Ducks were in Anaheim to face the Senators for a rematch of the 2007 Cup Finals. Ah, the memories. During the second period Todd Marchant of the Ducks scored one of the wackiest goals you will ever see. Honestly, I still can't figure out what happened here. The announcer does a great job but, well, it's still over my head (and probably Alex Auld's too! Zing!).

Next week we'll be back to our regularly scheduled YouTubey goodness, assuming the doctor allows it. Can't have our diet causing any unforseen complications now can we?

A Handy Guide to What You Missed This Weekend: 10.26.08

OK, so I think I've finally got this figured out. Since there aren't usually a lot of updates here on the weekend, I'll recap what we missed in one handy post each Sunday. How does that sound to you?

[ Flyers Fan Attempts to Perpetuate Stereotypes of Philadelphians ]

The city of Philadelphia is nicknamed the city of Brotherly Love, but if you're familiar with their fans, it might as well be anything but. I'm not saying that it's a bad city or that everyone in it sucks -- it's not and they're not -- but sports fans in Philadelphia really don't have much of a reputation. It goes all the way back to the alleged booing of Santa Claus in 1968 (no, really) and has carried into the present day, most recently with the booing of [Name Censored], although that one was forgivable and pretty much expected.

But Saturday night, one lone dumbass did all he or she could to perpetuate this stereotype that has plagued the city for generations. Here's the gist of it, from the Courier-Post via FanHouse.

The Flyers thought they had won the game 3:14 into the extra period when Brodeur made a spectacular save on Simon Gagne.

Immediately after referee Dave Jackson waved off the goal, a fan on the second level hurled a smoke bomb onto the ice. It took a couple bounces and landed in front of the Devils bench, where Flyers captain Mike Richards pushed it with his stick.

And this got through security, how?

Around the internets, this episode is garnering a lot of laughter -- and well it should be. But it begs the serious discussion of how this was allowed to happen and that we should remember it could have been a lot worse. The conduct of fans in America makes us look like PBS when compared to our counterparts in Europe and South America, who are a lot closer to Girls Gone Wild. But on Saturday night, for a brief moment, one fan in Philly resembled a soccer hooligan and the situation, a complete joke. So let's take this event seriously, figure out how it can be avoided in the future and thank our lucky stars it wasn't a more serious type of bomb.

[ Winter Classic Goes Really, Really Old School ]

This weekend the NHL unveiled the jerseys that the Hawks and Wings would be wearing at the winter classic this year and it was way, way old school. We're talking your grandparents kind of old school. I can't really describe this better than the NHL did on NHL.com:

Chicago will wear a primarily black jersey with red and beige horizontal body stripes that was worn by the club in 1936-37... Detroit will wear a white-based jersey with a single red body stripe inspired by the jerseys initially worn by the club circa 1926-27.

Yup. They're going pre-WWII old school. Now that's what you call straight ballin'.

[ Questionable Rear End Advertisements ]

And the image of the week comes to us from the UFC and it's mixed martial arts fighting. You either have to have a lot of guts, or a good sense of personal self respect if you put an ad for "Condom Depot" on your rear. What caused this fighter to sign that ad deal, I have no idea. But we will be in negotiations with the Depot to put banner ads up here on BMR as soon as we are as desperate as that guy.*

* - We don't ever plan to be as desperate as that guy.

Doug Weight Refuses to Go Quietly Into the Sunset

Yes, it's time once again for your weekly Islanders related post. So sit down, relax, and don't get too bored.

For everyone out there who thought that Doug Weight was another washed up has been, after signing on Long Island as a UFA this summer... Well, you're wrong. At least for now. He's got six points through seven games and last night proved that he's going to give his all by destroying poor Brandon Sutter.

While I know we've been trying to maintain a YouTube diet here at BMR, I think this video is worthy of a post. Maybe we're not supposed to do the whole YouTube thing, but I give into temptation way too easily.

On Saturday night while 14 other games were going on, the Islanders took on the Hurricanes in New York. The Islanders lost 4-3, but not after letting 60 shots loose on Canes netminder Cam Ward. Yes. SIXTY. I had to do a double take, too. In the midst of Rick DiPietro getting hurt again, and an announced attendance of 11,219 -- horrible for a Saturday night, even by Islander standards -- Weight delivered a hit that sent Carolina's Brandon Sutter into another century. Right now, I imagine Sutter is trying to figure out why it feels like he's in a small western town circa 1847 and why no one seems to understand what hockey is. But for a 19-year old that partially grew up on Long Island, you have to feel for the kid.

And for the people who complain about how a fight seems to start after every big hit, this is Example 1A as to why that is. It's really a disservice to your team to not show emotion after your 19-year old teammate gets lit up.

And finally Canes GM Jim Rutherford makes a great point about how the NHL handles hits like these:

"The league should at least stop saying it's concerned with hits to the head, because it's not," Rutherford told TSN.ca. "I've had four players - Erik Cole, Trevor Letowski, Matt Cullen and now Brandon Sutter - get badly injured on hits to the head and only one of the guys who hit them was suspended. So don't tell me the league is concerned about hits to the head because it's not.

"I realize there are only two ways you can go on this. Either you have a penalty for head-checking, like they do in the Ontario Hockey League, or you don't and we don't in the NHL and I understand that and that's fine, I guess, but don't tell anyone you care about protecting the players' heads because it's not happening."

Reader Commentary Theatre, Episode VIII

Flickr

Hey look! It's Friday and RCT is posted. You get a two for one! It's your lucky day sunshine.

Have a great weekend and enjoy the 21 games being played tonight and tomorrow. We'll have full coverage all weekend, you can be sure. If you need more of Ryan you can find him here, and always remember to tip your editor if you see something neat.

"It's still better than Apple or Pilot Inspektor."

- BlackCapricorn on Brain Cramp in 3... 2... 1...

So wait, how does a stringed instrument help me upload my YouTube clips? What if I don't know how to play (or have) a viola?

- WufPirate on A Handy Guide for Beginners: Hockey Blogging Part II

Is it a sign that I read this blog too much that as soon as I saw that save I thought "Save of the Year Round 4!!"?

- Mina on Dear Meester Melrose Rock

Brain Cramp in 3... 2... 1...

When asked whether she and her husband had any more unusual names up their sleeves, the politician said: ‘We did. We never got to get our Zamboni in. I always wanted a son named Zamboni.’

-People Magazine

JR > Philadelphia

Hey kiddies! How is the glow of your monitor treatin' ya? Getting a nice tech-geek tan? Hahahaa. I slay myself.

But we have more in common than you think. Right now I bet you're going "oh no, you're the mighty JR, what could my feeble self possibly have in common with you Lord Roenick?" Yeah, I couldn't believe it either... We're both humans! Bahahahaha!!

Oh, man. I'm awesome.

Anyway, ever gotten fired? Yeah, I know you did. That's why you don't work at GameStop anymore. Well, the Flyers, they're my old employer. And the other night was awesome. I mean, did you see it? We let them hang around... Give up six goals... Hang around some more... And then BAM! At the very last second, I left them weeping. Hey, if you didn't see it -- shame on you if you missed one of my games -- here's the videotape.

That's all for now kiddies. Peace!

-JR

Let's trade Gaborik for Finland

The new Wild team log

This is how the last couple weeks of October are going for me: My old computer died. Had that thing since 2002. We had some good times, and it had pretty much all of my old files, since I'm too cheap to put Office on my laptop. I found out that due to some massive organizational changes, my work schedule in December is going to be all messed up, and I will be working Christmas Eve and Christmas for the second year in a row. Also, next week I'm moving, and I have to do it all by my lonesome. This month sucks.
At least I have my hockey team, right? At least there is some sameness there, right?
Oh, shit.

There are three ways that this could end that won't destroy me emotionally.

- Gaborik resigns with the Wild

- Gaborik is traded for a package included exclusively Finns. It would be whimsical, and frankly, Finns are awesome. I would love to have a monopoly on the Koivus. Looking at this delightful site, my new favorite on the internet, it appears that the best trade partner would be Flyers, who have Sami Kapanen, Lasse Kukkonen, Antero Nittymaki, Kimmo Timmonen, and Ossi Vaananen. Wild radio guy Tom Reid would lose his mind pronouncing those names. Also, fun fact, Sean Bergenheim is a Finn. The hell?

- The Wild get back a ready contributor as well as a prospect or two. The Wild are able to contend right now, despite the Gaborik situation. Sure, trading Gabby would be best long term, but why should we destroy our chances this year? The best idea would be a trade to a team ready to make the jump, someone in the east, and someone with enough prospects to make it worth our while. By golly, I think I just described the Habs!

After those facts, this is the trade that would make me happiest... Gaborik for Koivu and one of the Kostitsyn's. If not them, maybe Guillaume Latendresse. Or all four. Probably all four.

The Versus [drinking] Game of the Week (Philadelphia at Atlanta)

I could have found a much worse picture of a fuzzy navel LisaShea.com

Assuming I haven't destroyed your liver in the first two weeks of the season, I think we're just about ready for another game to drink for. After the week I've had, I'm all for drinking, even if it is in the middle of the week. This is probably going to be the only time we'll have the Thrashers available for national consumption, so let's take full advantage. And since it is in Atlanta, I suggest peach schnapps. You're watching hockey, so the girly drink is canceled out. It's physics. Besides, the orange juice in the fuzzy navel will do you good.

DRINK

... when there is a terrible "thrash" pun. Ilya Kovalchuk is thrashing the Flyers! Atlanta is getting thrashed! What the hell is a Thrasher?! Stuff like that.

...if you would like to 'thrash' Flyers puck dropper Sarah Palin ...If you plan on voting!

... if this is the first time you've ever seen the Thrashers. Turn off the game and go back to baseball if this is your first time watching the Flyers.

... going into commercial breaks, if Atlanta rapper Ludacris has a ho in your area code.

... once if the Phillies are mentioned, twice if they speculate on whether Chase Utley would look good in skates, three times if there is a graphic showing Utley in skates, finish all that schnapps if they do the same with Ryan Howard.

... when Kari Lehtonen makes a kick save, twice if you thought Kari was a girls name.

... right now if you channeled Buccigross when I wrote "kick save"

As always, I expect more ideas in the comments.

WOOOOO WE DID ITTTTTT!!!!

Give yourself a pat on the back, dear reader! (Or, if someone is sitting near you, have them pat you on the back and then return the favor -- but only if they also read BMR.) We have officially made it 48 hours without posting a YouTube video. A noble feat, to be sure. I spent all of two days minutes brainstorming up ways for us to celebrate. I bet you'll never guess how I decided for us to celebrate. Go on, take a guess. I'll wait for you.

Got it? Did you say "with a YouTube video?" Well then you're right! There's no better way to enjoy our accomplishment at Embedded Video Rehab than by going right back on the junk, at least that's what the guy outside Circle K told me last night. So enjoy, and pretend Stephen Colbert's balloons and confetti are our own (Hey, with a budget of nothing, it's hard to afford your own balloons and confetti).

And a couple side notes: This is the link to my latest at FanHouse. Handy Guides will not be shown today because, well, it was shown yesterday (I got excited). And Ryan will be in tomorrow for his usual Thursday visit of drinking games and awesomeness.

Coach-O-Meter 3000: New Threat Level STAMKOS

All night, the scientists at the BMR Institute have been intently watching and re-watching tonight's Lightning/Thrashers game, analyzing and dissecting Coach Melrose's first win.

If you didn't catch the game tonight (i.e. most of us), the Lightning won 3-2 on overtime, but not before they surrendered a 2-0 third period lead that included a Thrasher goal from Todd White with under a minute to go. But all's well that ends well, as Vinny Lecavalier scored 1:46 into the overtime period to put the Bolts and Melrose in the win column for the first time this season.

Anyway, back to the scientific stuff. Given the nature of the win -- you know, almost blowing it to Atlanta before finally deciding that Melrose should escape a Bob Hartley style execution -- the scientists in the lab tell me that they have had to add a new threat level to the Barry Melrose Coach-O-Meter 3000: STAMKOS. They had to do it in a hurry since I requested a full report from them following the game, so they didn't get a chance to make it all nice and purty, but it's there.

After much deliberation, the scientists decided that Melrose is not safe enough to be downgraded to LECAVALIER while his first win should temporarily rid him of the RICHARDS level. Due to both of those sentiments, they have decided that a new, middle ground needed to be created. This is how the scientists have described this new level to me:

"STAMKOS: You still have a job, and things are looking up, but you're not off the hook yet. You have to prove that you can get by on more than charm and good looks."

There you have it, folks. Today, you can relax on your drive to work but be warned, we are not out of the woods yet. Another five-game losing streak and we're on the fast track to KOULES. And you don't want that kind of firestorm in your lives, do you? Maybe you do. Sick bastards.

Tuesday's Hockey News

Today is the day before Hump Day, so that can only mean one thing -- it's time to take a look around the hockey world at the top stories of the day.

Vermont Icecats -- Have announced plans to build a new arena... someday... You know, whenever they get around to it, man. But first, they need to buy some more bud.

Madison Marsupials -- Traded their mascot Mary, a female kangaroo, to the country of Australia. In return, the Marsupial's owner, Craig Hanson, will now be un-banned from visiting the country. He was originally banned from Australia after stealing a baby kangaroo in 1992.

Following up on a story from September 30th, the Billington Police Department has filed charges in the case of the murder of the Billington Buffalo mascot, which was an actual buffalo. The Billington Town Prosecutor is bringing charges against a group of six Native Americans who appear to have unknowingly jumped the space time continuum from 1842 to the present day. The Time Traveling Native Americans, who appear to be wholly confused about the whole situation, were unavailable for comment.

A Handy Guide for Beginners: Hockey Blogging, Part II

I'm still trying to figure out how best to post Handy Guides. So today, we're going to take a break from what we've been doing and kick this particular Handy Guide old school. Ya feel me?

Bumper sticker of the week, by far. Flickr

About this time last year, I did a Handy Guide detailing how to blog about hockey. A lot has changed in the blogging landscape, especially in hockey, since that post was written. So today, this Part II strives to update you on everything you need to know about this ever-changing environment we blog in. Hopefully you can learn as much reading this as I did writing it. Wait, no. Proceed with caution, dear reader.

Do convince a large internet conglomerate with an established base of viewers to let you write for them. Also insist on getting lots of money, the ability to work from home and hordes of commenters who say they don't like you but come back every day anyway. These types of companies are desperate, hiring anyone who will show them interest. Hell, they even let Devils fans work for them. (I keed, I keed)

Do not add BallHype 'Hype It Up!' buttons to the bottom of each of your posts. While it may make your sense of self worth increase minimally by having a few people hype up your post, it's not worth the countless hours of sleep you will lose refreshing the page constantly to see how many votes you have gotten. Take it from someone with experience, it's not worth it. Unless you have a post that you're absolutely, positively sure will get a +20. But that's every one of your posts, right?

Make sure to continue using an out-dated Blogger Template. So what if everyone else has a unique URL and design for their blog? Your standard Blogger Minima Template really shows off your skills as a web developer and your boundless creativity. Maybe someday you'll create your own theme or move to WordPress where things are easier. But you're lazy. Not today. Minima for life, baby!

Use Cover It Live for all your live blogging needs. Gone are the days when you would have to tediously record your witty thoughts throughout a game. Now all you need to do is throw out random barbs in your Cover It Live chat room. The chat is mostly guided by your readers whom you've given producer powers to because, well let's face it, you're not that interesting all by yourself.

Bash the MSM any chance you get. If there's one thing Bloggers and their readers can all agree on, it's that the MSM can suck it. You're guaranteed at least a +10 on BallHype with that diatribe you wrote railing about that journalist from [insert city here]. And remember to remind the moron how you don't live in your parent's basement anymore. You've got your own loft in your town's local arts district now! Man, you sure showed him/her!

YouTube is God's Gift to Bloggers. Now anyone can break a story! You don't have to be at the game or have any access behind the scenes. All you need to do is hit the record button, upload and viola! Show everyone that awesome goal/save/hit they missed! Your readers will thank you for it. Without you, they would have never been able to kill those 47 seconds of their work day.

Oh, yeah. Almost forgot...

It's Official -- We Have Seen Everything There is to See

I know I promised to not get into anymore politics. I know I promised not to talk anymore about [Name Censored]. But there are absurd things and then there are things that are so absurd and come from so far out of left field I cannot help but post about them. This is one of those times.

Speechless does not even begin to describe how I feel about the following image, which was reported earlier today in the New York Daily News.

Yep. There ya go. It's [Name Censored] wielding a hockey stick in one of the weirdest comic books I have ever seen. How's that for nightmare fuel?

Epic Fail: When Members of the Media Act Like (Gasp!) Fans

I hate to even have to do this, but I call it like I see it. The following comes from Mark Madden of the Beaver County Times (No really, that's an actual "media outlet"*):

If Ovechkin won’t respect Malkin’s status as a superstar, the Penguins can’t respect Ovechkin’s status as a superstar. If that means that Eric Godard does Ovechkin a favor by rearranging his face, so be it.

Malkin shouldn’t retaliate personally. That’s not his job. It might help Malkin’s street cred, but what if Malkin broke a finger? The reward is dwarfed by the risk.

Does any of that even make sense? All I really took from it is that, apparently, AO said something disrespectful of Malkin and Malkin should have Godard do his dirty work.

This begs the following questions:

1) Why do any of the Pens give a rats ass about what AO may/may not have said about them off the ice?

2) Is this honestly this writer's justification for going after AO?

3) Are there currently any wormholes in Beaver County causing people to become trapped in a different part of space and time where professional athletes are expected to act like fifth graders on the playground?

4) If statements like these don't belong in the press box, how on Earth does Madden's? (Or maybe this is why he isn't in the press box.)

And to conclude this segment of Epic Fail, we're going to hit the way back machine because, you see, this isn't the first or the last time we're going to see such Epicness of Fail.

"Crosby's got a bad RIGHT ankle? How will it stand up to a two-hander? The Senators have to find out."

- Don Brennan, Ottawa Sun

Remember folks, you can always rely on your local paper to give you in depth and coherent analysis that you can't find anywhere else.

* - term used very loosely

Caution: Geniuses at Work

Sometimes you find cool stuff on the internet (and sometimes you find message board trolls hiding in your C:/Progam Files folder). And once in a very, very brief while you find something that is absolutely brilliant and reminds you why exactly the internet was created -- and no, porn and spam are not the reasons why.

So today, this popped up in my Google Reader courtesy of the fine folks at The Jumbotron.

"Legend has it that if you break them open, they are full of the most glorious hair gel ever."

Awesome. Simply awesome.

Highlights of the Week: We Need Some Cooling Off Time

Mondays here at BMR mean a look back at the best plays from the last week. During the regular season and throughout the playoffs, I'll be recapping the best videos from around the NHL during the last seven days.

OK, let's face it. We have a problem here. Well, I have a problem. I have become a YouTube-aholic. And, well, I can admit I have a problem.

That's why today we're going with an edited version of Highlights of the Week. I need a break. You probably need a break too. Also, following this post, there will be no more You Tube videos on this blog for 48 hours.

But I can't say this is totally my fault. Obviously, I'm the editor around here, so I'm responsible for all that goes on. But honestly, the saves these goalies have been making have been ridiculous. Brodeur, Niitymaki, Price a couple of times... It's really been pretty absurd. I'm not pinning it all on them. Not even most of it. It's just, well, it's hard for me to quell my YouTube addiction when they're doing things like this and this.

So anyway, we're going with one highlight this week, since you've seen so many at this blog during the last seven days. It comes from -- Jeez, who else? -- Carey Price on Saturday night against Phoenix.

Sunday's Handy Pocket Guide: Oren Koules is Slowly Turning Into Mark Cuban

Every Sunday, Wednesday and Friday this season we'll take a look around the NHL with BMR's Handy Pocket Guide. We screwed up last week but from now on it will be posted three times a week. Promise.

[ Tampa Bay TV Producers Heart Oren Koules ]

What's better than watching a shootout? Why, it's watching Tampa Bay Lightning owner Oren Koules' reaction to every save and goal during the shootout! Judging by the video to your left, it seems like the producers at Sun Sports really are drinking the Koules-Aid (hahahahahah GET IT?!?!). Either that or they get paid for every time they put him on camera.

Ladies and gentlemen, the NHL now has it's own version of Mark Cuban. Now it's time to place bets on how long it will be until Koules has his day working at a Dairy Queen. I'm giving it two weeks, at which point he'll make a comment about his team being softer than the soft serve at DQ. The folks at DQ then get agitated because they insist that, no, their soft serve is in fact softer.

Here's what I imagine it could look like:

[ San Jose Will Not Let You Get Political ]

Kudos (not Koules) go out to the Sharks today. Last night, the Flyers were in San Jose and even though the team did not bring [Name Censored] to town with them, the Sharks chose to leave politics at the door - literally.

One blogger's sign (pictured right) was not allowed into the arena due to it's political implications.

Upon entering the HP Pavilion, I was stopped by an usher in purple.

"Sir, you can't bring in the sign," the young man said.

"I've brought in signs before - why not tonight?!?"

"Sir, your sign is of a political nature, and we can't allow you to bring it inside."

While the Blogger was rightfully pissed, the Sharks did the right thing. All we heard after [Name Censored] dropped the puck in Philly was how politics should not be mixed with sports. The Sharks are only carrying out that sentiment and for that, I salute them. Even if the sign was in good fun, a policy of abstinence from political statements of any kind is a good one. Keep that stuff in the political arena, where it belongs. And this rant is not intended to trash on this fan's sign, it's more to high five the Sharks.

[ Beer: Now More Valuable than American Banks ]

I don't mean to give you a double dose of political socio-economic analysis, but this one just has to be mentioned. Unbelievably, beer is now a more valuable commodity than certain American Banks. But of course there's a catch -- you have to live in a state that will give you a refund for you old beer cans.

From GuestofAGuest.com:

If you had purchased $1,000.00 of AIG stock one year ago you would have $44.34 left.

With Wachovia, you would have had $54.74 left of the original $1,000.00.

With Lehman, you would have had $0.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago…drank all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have $214.00 cash.

So there you have it, beer is officially a safer retirement fund than owning stock in a bank. How about that.

[ Wall-to-Wall Coverage of Oilblogo-gate ]

Just in case you were a little confused about this post from Friday, here's a little further explanation. The Oilers do not understand how to deal with bloggers. At all. And they're being dicks about it. Due to all of that, a lot of people are getting upset because of how a certain blogger was treated. If you would like to read more on the subject, please check out the following links (grabbed from EMac at FanHouse because I'm lazy). Thank you, have a good day.

Neate Sager
Battle of Alberta
Deadspin
The NHL Arena
Battle of California
On Frozen Blog
Sports Snipe
The Pens Blog
Going Five Hole
Can't Stop the Bleeding
Boston Blue Line
Cycle Like the Sedins
The Cult of Hockey
HF Boards
Hot Oil
Oilblobosphere!
SNN Sports
Empty Netters
Wrap Around Curl
Five Hole Fanatics
Strange Deadfellows
The Big Lead
Scarlett Ice
Puck Daddy

Dear Meester Melrose Rock

Dear Meester Melrose Rock,

I have ceen your conteest with Carey Price and Meester Brodeur. Meester Melrose Rock I would like to bee inclooded in your conteest. With this email I have ettached my submission. It is of my game from Saturdey. Meester Daniel tell me et is very nice save. You see now, OK?

Thank you meester Rock.

-Antero

Reader Commentary Theatre, Episode VII

It's the new and marginally improved edition of RCT, now complete with roman numerals in the title. This way, we can tell them each apart a little better. And so you can collect 'em all.

Sometimes they poop out t-shirts. Never had the guts to catch one.

- Mr. Plank on Air Sharks Return, Take Control of West Coast States

It's like dueling banjos! But with hockey sticks!

- Wrap Around Curl on Save of the Year Competition: Round Three

...every time someone brings up the Luongo-to-Vancouver trade. (Double if you're a Cats fan.)

- Nightfly on The Versus [Drinking] Game of the Week (Florida at Montreal)

A Call to Arms

Today dear readers, we are engaged in a battle for our very (blogging) lives. We are under attack and must defend ourselves in the only way in which we know possible -- out voting them in a web poll.

Over at the NHL Arena, they've been having a Battle of the Blogosphere contest. Basically, they pit one blog against another in epic battle after epic battle, until one blog is standing. They're still in the first round, and have presented us with our first challenger -- Battle of New York. While BoNY is a respectable website, they must be stopped. We cannot let their excellent NY area coverage trump our coverage of drinking games and ice girls.

So yeah, anyway, if you want go and vote over at the NHL Arena. A vote for BMR is a vote for freedom and ice girls. Two things I'm sure you enjoy.

The Edmonton Oilers are Afriad of the Power of the Internets

"That someone who is passionate about the team writing for other fans is viewed by the organization as some kind of threat is patently ridiculous and narrowly shortsighted."

- grease trap

Yours Truly: Hey, you there up in Western Canada!

*startled Albertan turns around*

Startled Albertan: Hey... Um... What's up?

Yours truly: You've heard of the internet right?

SA: Did you really just ask me that? Do you think I'm some hick?

YT: Sorry, I didn't mean to offend. It's just that it's 2008 and the Edmonton Oilers don't seem to fully understand it yet.

SA: The Oilers don't understand something... You don't say?

YT: Good point. But even with all the boneheaded things Kevin Lowe has done, you would think there would be people somewhere in the organization who had their head on straight.

SA: Yeah, it's a big organization and he's just one employee. Any rational person would make that assumption.

YT: OK. So we've established that. But then, why are they so afraid of the internets?

SA: What do you mean?

YT: Well, Covered in Oil, a serious, respected and very popular hockey blog (unlike this one) was recently kicked out of the press box. The reasoning seems to be nothing more than some sort of paranoia. Could Ted Stevens be at the helm of their PR and Media Relations departments?

SA: Could be. Or maybe Kevin Lowe is in charge of more things than we first thought.

YT: Good point. Damn you Lowe! DAAAAAMNNNNN YOUUUUUU!!!!

SA: Take it easy man. It's only the press box. All that blogger will be missing out on is some free food and a strong feeling of smugness due to his clear superiority over the common man. And the Oilers, well, all they get is bad press for not understanding modern technologies.

YT: Touche. You are very wise, sir.

SA: Yeah, not everyone in Alberta is living in 1954. You would be surprised.

Melrose Coach-O-Meter 3000 Threat Level: RICHARDS

Thanks to the brave scientists at the BMR Institute, today we have quite a treat for you. I am proud to unveil the brand new Barry Melrose Coach-O-Meter 3000. How awesome is it, you ask? It's 992 years into the future awesome. And is it ever bright and shiny! It will certainly distract you until we post another picture of ice girls.Today's threat level is RICHARDS. This is the 2nd highest threat level, meaning the coach may be on the hot seat. After an 0-2-2 start with the Bolts and some choice words for his star players, Melrose may be shooting himself in the proverbial foot. So be warned, dear reader. You must proceed with caution if your name is Barry Melrose. But then again, Barry likes to throw caution to the wind. So maybe proceeding with caution is out of the question. Ah, hell with it. Let's take this thing head on. Bull by the horns. Stuff like that.

Hello, I'm filing for the entry draft

Prospect Paul Kariya

A secretary at the NHL offices answers the phone...

"Hello, I would like to file for the entry draft. I am a gifted stick handler and have a nose for the net. As you can see by my picture, I am obviously fresh out of college -- University of Maine, if you were wondering, and would love a chance in the NHL."

"Mr. Kariya, you can't file for the draft, you're 34 years old and have been in the league for 14 years."

"How did you know it was me?"

"You sent me a picture."

"Oh, right. So you all still remember I'm in the league? St. Louis is still an NHL team?"

"Yes, Mr. Kariya, of course we remember. You scored 65 points last year and already have 6 this year. And yes, the Blues are still in the NHL. For now."

"But I still look like I could be in the entry draft, right?"

"Good bye, Mr. Kariya."

The Versus [drinking] Game of the Week (Florida at Montreal)

Did you think last week was the only time we would be doing the VDGOTW? For heavens sake, people, they sell alcohol all the time! I'm in the process of moving, so I could definitely use an excuse to drink. Florida - Montreal on Monday sounds like a good enough reason to me. As always, add your own rules in the comments.

DRINK

... every time they make a comparison between Miami and Montreal, twice if they refer to the St. Lawrence riverfront as a "beach".

... if you tuned in to watch Olli Jokinen

... every time a comparison is made between Carey Price and great Habs goaltenders of yore like Jose Theodore, Jocelyn Thibault or Jeff Hackett. What's with the J names, Montreal?

... if the Panthers Ice Girls made the trip, drink when they get some camera time. If they didn't, drink every time the camera catches a Montreal girl who looks good enough to be an ice girl.

... if they replay the Richard Zednik injury from last year. Chug for as long as you turn away from the TV.

... because you're watching the FLORIDA PANTHERS.

Save of the Year Competition: Round Three

I don't think the NHL has had such a competitive competition (can I say that?) for save of the year so early in the season.

First it was Carey Price with an absolutely stunning stick save during the pre-season against Detroit. That was the kind of save legends are made of. We all thought that was where the competition would end, and declared it over before the season even started.

But no, it would not end there.

Last week Marty Brodeur made a stick save of us own to try and one-up Price. He wasn't about to let the youngster steal the show and push him off to the side. So naturally, Marty stayed up all night thinking up some hair brained scheme, which as it turns out, worked quite well actually. His stick save came with only :13 left in the Devils home opener against the Islanders. With his team clinging to a 2-1 lead, he did what he does best.

So, naturally, Carey Price had to come back and try to one-up Broduer. It's a good ol' fashioned gentleman's quarrel. Price couldn't sit around and let Marty steal all his thunder so last night, he made his move. Diligent reader Grrrreg sent in this clip of Price from Montreal's 5-3 defeat of the Flyers in Philadelphia last night. You might have to wait to see a couple angles on this play, as the overhead view may be the best. But it was a really sick play. So sick in fact that even all the Flyer fans in attendance got faked out, thinking it was a goal. Even Danny Briere thought he had scored, but Price picked the puck out of the air while laying flat on his back, and secured it in his crotch -- a very nice glove save.

This is sort of turning into a really entertaining game of H-O-R-S-E between goaltenders. It's your move now, Broduer. Let's see what you got.