Oilers Snatch Victory From the Hands of Overtime

AP/Jimmy Jeong/Yahoo

Time for a little west coast love. We don't give 'em enough as it is and since Ryan in Minnesota doesn't exactly qualify as west coast (to those of us on the eastern shore, it might as well be), I would say the folks out there are due for a little.

I have no idea how they did it, but the Oilers -- OK, so they're not exactly on the coast per se -- managed three goals and a 'W' while being out shot 33-19. Pretty impressive, but all the more so because they did it in sweet ass throwback unis. I could have sworn it was Gretzky and Messier skating around out there instead of Penner and Gagner. And that is of course ignoring the difference in skill between those two pairs of players. But seriously, how sweet are these unis? They're a little odd when put into a modern context, but there's nothing like bright orange and true blue (believe me, I know).

Anyway, I honestly didn't see enough of the game to make any serious statements about it. For that, I'll yield to the authorities at Lowe Tide and Covered in Oil. However, it's pretty clear Dustin Penner was more or less completely responsible for the outcome in this one. He scored twice in the third, first breaking a 1-1 tie and then a 2-2 tie. His second was as clutch as clutch can be, coming with 5.4 seconds remaining in the third. Please, you watch...

Wednesday's Hockey News

Here is a quick look at what is happening around the hockey world today.

Arkansas Icecats - Jeopardy host Alex Trebek will drop the puck for the opening faceoff night at the Icecats' home opener. Darrell Hammond will be there dressed as Sean Connery to piss Trebek off and also because the Icecats' Game Ops staff has a sick side.

Vancouver Canucks - Have hired Sean Avery as a fashion consultant.

NHL - Today the league unveiled a beta version of a redesigned NHL.com. Additionally, the Shop on NHL.com is offering brand new products such as a jar of Mark Messier's tears, a Gary Bettman Boo Machine and a book entitled 'A Handy Guide for Coping with Continual Failure'. The book will only be available to shoppers located in Long Island, Miami, Columbus, Los Angeles and Toronto.

Toronto Maple Leafs - Announced that they have acquired the rights to a playoff birth in 2010 in exchange for their hopes, dreams and aspirations.

Your Monday Morning Icebreaker

Two reborn features in a row. How about that. If you remember this one, you've really been around here a long time. It's everyone's favorite, Random You Tube Magic, to get you through the morning, it's Your Monday Morning Icebreaker.

This week, to kick things off in style, we bring back a legend and a classic, Mark Messier's tear ducts. Skip the first :30 of the video unless you want to hear some woman ramble on about her Mark Messier photo collection. Skip ahead to the 2:20 mark if you want to see when this thing really gets going.

Your Obligatory Debate of Pittsburgh's Chances this Year

Maybe it's the liberal media's fault. Maybe it's all in our heads. Maybe it's Urkel's fault. No one is really sure at this point. But for some reason, the Pittsburgh Penguins' chances this season have become a contentious point around the blogosphere.

Let's recap real quick.

This all started when the boys at Pensblog got a little agitated about something Sportsnet's Mike Toth wrote. For the record, taking offense to something Sportsnet does is like getting upset about who anchors the 11pm Sportscenter. It's all irrelevant unless it's Scott Van Pelt, so who cares.

After that, Puck Daddy responded by claiming that Toth is totally not out of his mind. Since then Spector has chimed in, the Pensblog responded to PD's response and Sean Leahy attempted to play referee, to name a few contributions.

So this is where we come in. Naturally, we have certain obligations when reporting here at BMR. Mainly, that obligation is to give our own take on something that everyone and their dog writes about. Usually that category of material is limited to season previews, predictions and whenever Mark Messier cries. Many other times, the blogosphere is clogged up with so many stories about a single topic (see: Mats Sundin) that we're almost obligated to pile on. There's no reason to do the back breaking work of trying to empty the trash can when it's spilling over. Instead, it's a lot easier to start piling up trash around it. That's what our job is and this is one of those times.

Anyway. Back to the point at hand; Pittsburgh's chances and our obligatory post on it.

Let's all remember a few key points about the situation. Here come the bullets. It's like a night out on the town with 50 Cent.

• Teams that lose in the Finals usually suck the next year.
• Pre-season predictions don't mean shit and are usually wrong.
• Marian Hossa was the icing on the cake of Pittsburgh's season last year.
• This is a team that everyone picked to challenge for the conference title this time last year.
• They still have MAF in net.

OK, now we're going to address these one-by-one.

First and foremost, it's standard practice to diss the team that lost in the Finals the previous year. As Puck Daddy pointed out, this has been true in recent years. The only exception is the Flames, who were better the season after they lost to Tampa in the Finals. Remember, they had a whole lockout year to get their legs back.

Second point, pre-season predictions are about as accurate as the weather report. Unless we're talking about Columbus and Detroit, it's impossible to predict where teams will finish. Everyone should chill out and save their breath, but since I know no one is going to listen, I'll save mine.

One of the most overblown points in the history of overblown points is the significance of Marian Hossa. Yes, he's a good player. Yes, he helped the Penguins in the playoffs. He had 26 points in 20 games which is a big contribution. But let's not get crazy here. He only played 12 regular season games for Pittsburgh. The Pens finished second in the conference, mostly no thanks to Hossa. They would have made a run without him. Maybe... Maybe they wouldn't have gotten to the Finals. That's about it.

All this Hossa talk brings me to my next point, which is that everyone picked the Pens to be a top five team in the East at the beginning of last season. Think about it. Did you really believe they wouldn't at least be top five? In the conference you like to call 'the Leastern Conference'? It also means you picked them to do this without Hossa and before we found out that Marc-Andre Fluery could be a viable starting netminder.

So now that the Pens are missing Hossa, Roberts, Malone and a couple other role players are they all of a sudden not a top five team this season?

Give me a break. All those losses do is make them questionable to win the conference. They're still a top five team in my opinion. Maybe the fourth or fifth. But honestly, other than Montreal, who would you put ahead of them? This conference is still wide open. You're living in another universe if you think New Jersey, Washington, Ottawa, the Rangers or Philly are easily outpacing the Penguins at this point. It is possible that a few of these teams could finish ahead of the Pens this year, maybe even likely. But at this point in time, there is not evidence to the contrary.

The Penguins have questions. Can Sidney stay healthy all year? Will Malkin's playoff funk continue on into this season? Can MAF repeat his performance from last year? Will they fall victim to a short off-season?

The funny thing is, every other team in the East has questions like these. Some have more. It's still early. In this year, like every other, predictions don't mean a whole lot yet everybody has them.

Your Bizarre Ebay Items of the Week

The last time I checked it was still summer. As hockey fans, all that means is that we are still bored. That's why this little feature has returned yet again. Buying stuff is something to do. Talking about stuff we can buy -- also something to do. Talking about the weird stuff people are trying to sell us? That takes boredom by the throat and cuts the jugular. (Sorry if that was a little graphic -- I saw the new Batman last night. Great movie but I can't yet call it 'life changing'. Maybe after the second viewing.)

So, without any further interruption, I present to you your bizarre Ebay items of the week.

VINTAGE New York Rangers HOCKEY JERSEY Large NHL CCM @@ (Item #: 170235794395)

This one isn't bizarre but it may be the perfect gag gift. Have an Islander fan in your family that you really want to piss off? Making a Mark Messier voodoo doll? Want to call someone a douchebag but can't find the words to say it? Then why not do it metaphorically with this retro Rangers jersey! Whatever your reasoning, this jersey can do it all... Except play defense.

Sale Price: $12.50 + shipping.

VINTAGE COLUMBUS OWLS HOCKEY GIVE A HOOT BUTTON ! (Item #: 350079321752)

If you're looking to buy a piece of crap that someone found in their garage then this next item is for you. It's a really old button from a crappy state and a hockey team that may never have even existed! For only $12.51 you could be the proud owner of something that should have been thrown in the trash years ago! Best of all -- shipping is free. Hey, even if you got raped from behind on the sale price, at least you got a great deal on the shipping, right? I like those odds.

Sale Price: $12.51, free shipping.

Hockey USA Live The Game Coaster/Beer Mat (Item #: 250271230748)

Maybe you're the kind of person that likes to go out to a bar on Friday night. Maybe you're also the kind of person that goes to Canadian dive bars and wants to bring those warm and fuzzy feelings home. If so, then 99 cents is all you need to bring those great feelings home!

Why not relive the vague memories of your drunk escapades with a nice, cardboard coaster? You'll probably have to put it away when important company comes over so you don't look too trashy (Don't want the Donaldsons thinking we shop at the dollar store!) but that's OK. You can still get great use out of it while you're drinking alone by yourself in front of the TV.

Best of all, it's in mint condition and the seller claims it's "never been used before."

Wait. Why is Labatt Blue sponsoring American hockey?

Sale Price: .99 + 2.00 shipping.

LOT OF 9 COLGATE HOCKEY HEADS 1971/72 (Item #: 330252896604)

I have no idea what's going on here and the seller doesn't provide much insight. I can only assume that these were sold attached to Colgate toothpaste. There are tiny white heads of all your favorites -- Lafluer, Dionne, Mahovilich. Collect 'em all!

Sale price: $76.00

Sweet Dreams are Made of Stuff Like This

Mark Messier's reaction to this? Typical.

This would never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever happen... BUT it would be HILARIOUS!

Per Sporting News (not AP cause they are big dumb stupid heads):

The NHL has proposed disciplinary proceedings against Madison Square Garden that could result in the suspension or termination of the company's ownership of the New York Rangers, according to a draft letter written by NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman that was filed in New York district court late yesterday.

The letter, part of the league's ongoing legal fight against MSG, alleges that MSG -- by suing the NHL -- has violated the league constitution. The letter was part of a counterclaim the NHL filed asking the court to issue a judicial declaration allowing the NHL to discipline the Rangers and MSG internally. If the court fulfills that request, the league will immediately begin disciplinary proceedings against MSG.

Can you imagine the NHL kicking out Dolan and MSG? Ouch. The Rangers would be in trouble then. Hamilton Rangers, anyone? OK, seriously this isn't going to happen. But it's fun to think about.

Bidding Adieu to the Year That Was (Part Two)

To finish up our season recap, here's a look at the top stories from the 2nd half of the season. Again, these links are completely and totally unbiased. All of them. Totally. For sure.

If you're looking for Part One, it's right here.

JANUARY 2008

• The Winter Classic was a big hit for hockey. We had some fun live blogging it. (1/1)


• Amp Energy Drinks put out what could be the commercial of the year. Edge Shave Gel = stunned. (1/2)


• Ilya Kovalchuk had his way with the Carolina Hurricanes. (1/3)


• Pamela Anderson got caught kissing a giant fuzzy orca whale. (1/4)


• It's like luge. Except it's easier to sever your hand. (1/9)


• We live blogged a random Sharks game. On that night, our San Jose Bureau was founded. (1/10)


• We went Behind the Mascot with Fin the Orca. (1/11)


• Rick Nash had a sick goal. A few heads exploded. (1/18)


• The day the Leafs FINALLY left JFJ go. (1/22)


• The NHL re-upped it's contract with Versus. Ugh. (1/23)


• FanHouse sent me to the All-Star Game. That was a fun time. The whole press box thing was a little confusing. (1/26)


• Four minutes of my life that I still want back. (1/31)


• LOST: NHL Edition premiered on the interwebs. It's been on indefinite hiatus since. (1/31)

FEBRUAY 2008

• Ouch. (2/1)


• Greg Wyshynski covered while I was in Calgary. That was clearly the high point this site. At least Canada was a lot of fun. (2/10)


• Some scary days for Richard Zednik. (2/11)


• Atlanta likes their mascots scantily clad. (2/14)


• Bryan Murray proved that he was back and better than ever. (2/16)


• Worst. Shot total. Ever. (2/17)


• Mike Comrie finally pulled off that move he had been trying all season. (2/19)


• The Rangers got smoked by the Habs. It was hilarious. (2/20)


• We found out that Sabres fans are not very fond of Sean Avery. No surprise there whatsoever. (2/24)


• The real story of deadline day was James Mirtle. (2/27)
  
• Barry Melrose was informed of our existence. This is the last we have heard about it. (2/29)

MARCH 2008

• Stan Mikita and Bobby Hull were welcomed back to Chicago. (3/8)
• The Caps made Emo Wall cry. We all thought they were eliminated that day. Not exactly how it turned out. (3/9)
• Erin Andrews talked about the greatness that is our friend JR. (3/10)
• The 2008 BMR Census report. (3/12)
• Chris Pronger should have been suspended for the season -- but wasn't. (3/18)
• The highlight of the Islanders' season. (3/18)
• ESPN didn't make it easy to get in touch with Barry Melrose. "Get off our lawn!" (3/21)
• Patrick Roy's son beat the crap out of some guy. (3/24)
• Alex Ovechkin scored a lot of goals. That's two words. A. Lot. (3/24)
• We pimped out Marty Broduer. (3/24)
• Somehow, someway, Woody Paige looked like a genius on this day. Mark it on your calendars. (3/24)
• The Top 10 David Amber Top 10 Columns. (3/31)

APRIL 2008

• There were no fools made on April Fool's Day. (4/1)
• The Senators choked down the stretch. Ah, the memories. (4/2)
• We crowned Barry Melrose Mulleted King of the World. No surprise there. (4/5)
• Trevor Linden is one classy guy. Jarome Iginla, too. (4/6)
• The draft lottery did not go as planned. Mike Bossy was pissed. (4/7)
• Bryan Murray continued his monthly routine of raining on other people's parades. (4/9)
• The Ottawa Sun's Don Brennan embarrassed himself pretty thoroughly, I think. (4/10)
• The Epic Battle for the Universe continued into the playoffs. (4/15)
• Miikka Kiprusoff has himself a stalker. (4/17)
• Boston and Nashville put up pretty good fights. (4/17)
• Marty Brodeur and Sean Avery -- a match made in heaven. (4/19)
• Mr. Feeny, was that you? (4/22)
• There were riots in Montreal. "We made it out of the first round!!! WOO!!!" (4/22)
• Canada attacked. It was frightening. (4/25)
• Barry Melrose's Wiki page got pwnd. (4/25)
• A scary day for Sean Avery. (4/30)

MAY 2008

• Canada's Olympic attire proved to be questionable. (5/1)
• Henrik Zetterberg scored a pretty ridiculous goal. (5/2)
• Is there a Curse of Barry Melrose? (5/4)
• The Stars and Sharks played a really, really long game. (5/4 and 5/5)
• Don Cherry was brought on to do American TV. The world has never been the same. (5/5)
• EA Sports' first round predictions were an exercise in perfection. (5/7)
• Sponsoring Hockey-Reference.com pages were all the rage. (5/7)
• Don Cherry debuted on ESPN wearing a hot pink suit. Instantaneous blindness was pushed to the forefront like never before. (5/10)
• BMR turned one. (5/10)
• Words of wisdom from Brett Hull. You can never really get enough. (5/12)
• We learned that Flyer fans do not enjoy receiving Red Wings fleeces. (5/14)
• The playoff beard awards made a triumphant return. (5/15)
• For a quick, fleeting moment it looked as if we would see Melrose coach Roenick. The world would certainly have ceased to exist, collapsing in on itself in a firey armageddon. (5/17)
• The Red Wings were euthanized following the Preakness. (5/18)
• JR announced that he would return for another year. No text messages this time. (5/21)
• Advertising is an amazing thing. (5/22)
• You previewed the SCFs for me. (5/23)
• We finally saw Melrose and Cherry on the same screen. (5/25)
• Mark Messier's TV debut was underwhelming. (5/28)
• Um. Yeah. Still not completely OK with this, but whatever. (5/29)

JUNE 2008

• Knob Hockey returned, and just in time. (6/2)
• That was one hell of a game. This we do know. (6/3)
• And we'll leave off with the 2008 Stanley Cup Champs, the Detroit Red Wings. (6/4)

Bidding Adieu to the Year That Was (Part One)

Before we get too far into the summer to even remember it, let's take a few minutes to look back at the year that was.

It was a heck of a year that was capped off with a good Stanley Cup Finals. But, surely, it wasn't all about the Finals. Here's a rundown of all the stories, hits and great goals from the past year. I'm sure I missed a bunch of interesting items, so feel free to add your own in the comments and I'll be sure to keep this list updated. This is only part one, though. It chronicles June 07 through December. The second half will be up on Friday.

Clearly, the links on this list are completely unbiased. Totally.

JUNE 2007

• We did some prospect profiles for the draft in a unique way. Those were fun for the whole family. (6/7)
• The Boogaard Brothers took us to hockey fighting school. (6/9)
• Surprisingly, the Mike Keenan hiring in Calgary did not end with the destruction of the universe. (6/14)
  
• Teenage boys posed for photos in hockey sweaters. I mean, um, it was the NHL Draft. (6/23)

JULY 2007

• Free agency is a hell of a drug. (7/1)
• We were first introduced to JR. (7/5)
• The Staals got arrested. I'm still mad I wasn't invited to the party. (7/25)
• July was really pretty boring.

AUGUST 2007

• Kevin Lowe snatched up Dustin Penner from the Ducks. That worked out really well. (8/2)
• Kansas City tried really, really hard to get a hockey team. That didn't pan out either. (8/9)
• We figured out a template for starting a successful hockey blog. (8/13)
• The Islanders released new jerseys. Sort of. (8/15)
• I wasted much of my summer previewing each and every team. The experience can only be described as long and painful. (8/18)
• Cuthbert and Avery broke up. (8/27)
• The new Canucks jerseys looked like crap. (8/30)

SEPTEMBER 2007

• John Tavares acted like a whiny 17-year old. (9/4)
• The Stars put up some hilarious billboards. Naturally, we had our own ideas. (9/6)
• NHL.tv was discovered. (9/7)
• A lot of people in Pittsburgh weren't allowed the chance to buy tickets to the Ice Bowl. Considering their team was, um, playing in it a bit of a fracas ensued. (9/8)
• The Blackhawks set a record by getting eliminated from the playoffs before the season even started. (9/20)
• The Canadian dollar officially broke even with it's US counterpart. No more north of the border discounts. (9/21)
• Hawks owner Bill Wurtz died. Things changed pretty drastically after that. (9/26)

OCTOBER 2007

• The Ducks and Kings played some games in jolly olde England. (10/1)
• Darren Eliot wanted to crown Evgeni Malkin rookie of the year. There was a slight problem with that. (10/3)
• I outlined some tips for watching a hockey game. (10/4)
• NHL.tv was a bitch. I think I was the only one it didn't like. (10/6)
• Here's where all those Paul Stastny shenanigans started. Hey, he was on pace for 218 points! (10/8)
• Jason Blake was diagnosed with leukemia. I apologized for calling him names. (10/9)
• The Wild started a feud with Gary Bettman that would later somehow be transferred to Pascal Leclaire. (10/15)
• Gary Bettman responded by putting out a hit list. (10/16)
• Jon Toews scored what could easily be the goal of the year. (10/20)
• Here's where the epic battle for control of the universe started between Minnesota and Colorado. (10/22)
• Captain Canada returned to Edmonton and, to no one's surprise, cried a lot. (10/23)
• Den LeBatard proved once again that he is a ridiculous human being. (10/26)
• The Devils unveiled their new arena. (10/27)
• As the epic battle for the universe continued, I found a lost script for an iPhone commercial. (10/29)
• Randy Jones gave the Flyers their third major suspension of the year. (10/30)

NOVEMBER 2008

• Pascal Leclaire's run of shutouts quickly brought him to the top of GB's hit list. (11/1)
• Al Arbour returned to coach a game at the Coliseum. I screwed up all the numbers in the post. (11/2)
• We finally found out what was on The Great One's iPod. (11/3)
• Barry Melrose said some mean things about Newark. I renamed the blog. None of it was funny. (11/7)
• The 2007 Hockey Hall of Fame Inductees. (11/9)
• Some kid was hilariously scared of a puck. (11/9)
• JR told us about scoring his 500th career goal. (11/11)
• Sean Avery and Darcy Tucker didn't make nice at the Hall of Fame Game. (11/12)
• Paul Stastny finally took control of the known universe. (11/13)
• Messier cried at his Hall of Fame induction and, as you might expect, it was hilarious. (11/14)
• Jiri Tlusty acted like, who would have guessed it, a kid. (11/16)
• JR talked about beer, appeared depressed. It wasn't pretty. (11/20)
• The Caps fired Glen Hanlon on Thanksgiving. Sometimes being a dick pays off. (11/22)
• I joined FanHouse. (11/25)
• More evidence surfaced proving that Kristian Huselius and Mike Keenan have a tenuous relationship. (11/25)
• At this point, the Flyers had more man games lost to suspension that the rest of the NHL. Seriously. (11/27)
• A detailed breakdown of how to create your own TML rumor. (11/27)
• Dining out with Doc and Chico was always fun. (11/29)
  
• Pascal Leclaire sacrificed himself for the good of Canada. (11/30)

DECEMBER 2007

• Hockey Night in Canada did a snazzy piece on blogging. CLICKLCIKCLCICKLCLICK (12/3)
• The Bruins put out an awesome commercial in an effort to scare up All-Star votes for Savard and Chara. (12/3)
  
• It's always fun when a Zamboni catches on fire. (12/4)
  
• I apologized to the MSM on behalf of blogs. Sort of. (12/5)
• The Thrashers thought they had acquired Gary Roberts, but it was really only Mark Recchi. (12/10)
  
• A look back at 15 years of Gary Bettman's reign. (12/11)
• Melrose visited Newark, backtracked on his comments. (12/11)
• Gary Roberts destroyed Ben Eager. (12/12)
• We discovered that TML fans have poor YouTubing skillz. (12/12)
• Bill Belichek spied on Atlanta's Don Waddell. Best in-game entertainment of the year. (12/13)
• I butchered my first Ice Sheet at FanHouse. It was fun nonetheless. (12/14)
  
• George Parros shaved his mustache. The world has not been the same since. At least the was for charity. (12/15)
• Gary Roberts continued his annihilation of the Eastern Conference by messing up Andy Sutton. (12/17)
• I headed to Atlantic City where, believe it or not, I came out ahead. Some awesome guest bloggers filled in: Sean Leahy, the Pensblog boys, Ryan from the VicTimes and Loser Domi.
• We found the one and only Florida Panther fan. (12/27)
• New Years Resolutions were made. They sucked. (12/31)

More in ahead in Part Two...

Mark Messier is N-N-N-Not the B-B-Best Com-Commentator

Around these parts, Mark Messier has no fans. You could say that we don't get along, but I've never met him. But the video to your right, well, it sort of makes me feel bad for the guy.

Yeah, I said it.

Now, it's hilarious when this guy lets the waterworks go. We know this. But somehow, bumbling around on a national stage while completely keeping his composure (and by that I mean not crying) kind of makes me feel bad for the guy. I'd almost rather he followed up stuttering around with a nice, healthy cry. It would be funny. Instead, he looks helpless, afraid and it kind of makes me feel bad for the guy.

And, of course, the big problem here is that this is only an eight second clip which is completely out of context. That's like taking one sentence on this blog and making a generalization about everything we believe in. That's not something I can get behind.

Oh, and I'm really beginning to question Versus. For a while there they were making steady improvements but it seems as though they stopped doing that at some point earlier this year. This may prove to be the tipping point that everyone looks back on and asks 'where did it all go wrong?' Then again they could trot out JR next week and would have Survivor-esque ratings. Not as high as the first one, but definitely in the neighborhood of the second season.

h/t Plank, Wyshynski

Your Obligatory Finals Prediction Post (Obligatory Contest, Too)

We've made it, folks. The year-long journey is almost over. If you team hasn't made it this far, and chances are it hasn't, then thanks for sticking with us anyway. If your team is still alive and kicking, cherish these days you lucky sob.

But another season is in the books, save for seven more games (if that). It goes by so fast!

To make this fun, I've got one last little competition in store. We had fantasy hockey and college basketball. Now we've got some Stanley Cup Finals Pick 'Em. It's pretty simple. Email me (melroserocks@gmail.com) who you think is going to win the series, how many games it's going to take and a short paragraph on why. The best responses will be featured on the site, so get creative!

When this whole thing is said and done, one lucky winner is going to win themselves a guest post on the site (don't worry, it's not going to turn into Deadspin). Here at BMR World HQ, we'll conduct a drawing of all the correct predictions and pick one name out of a hat. One name to rule them all!

So that's all there is to it. It's quick and painless. I'll start us off...

I'll take Detroit in seven. I still think that at some point having MAF in net is going to come back to bite the Pens. This is that point. But it's going to be a good series. Both teams will walk into the Thunderdome and only one will come out. And they'll be a limping, bloody mess. This SATURDAY NIGHT ON WWE RAW!!! HELL IN A CELL!!!! YOURE EITHER THERE OR YOU'RE A WUSS!!! I'M COMING FOR YOU MESSIER AND THERE'S NO WHERE YOU CAN RUN. YOUR TEARS WON'T SAVE YOU NOW CAUSE THE PAIN TRAIN IS COMING!! WOOO WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Feeny, Man, You're Doing It Wrong

Bruce Bennett/Getty/Yahoo!

Hey Feeny, if that is your real name, I think you missed the boat here. I just had one request for you, and you blew it. You failed your mission. But that's OK, I'm going to give you one more shot to see if you can make it up to Mullet Nation and I.

From April 29th:

Maybe that guy is out there somewhere reading this post or one of the other ones out there on the internets. Old Guy with a Sign, if you're reading this, get yourself on camera with a sign that says "Messier Sucks." I will be forever grateful. You can, of course, use funnier variations on that phrase. In fact, that would certainly get you some bonus points. So if you're reading this, God speed and you can do it. The Mullet believes in you.

Old Guy with a Sign... Feeny... Whoever you are time is of the essence. The way the Pens are playing right now, you might have only one more shot at this during Game Four on Thursday. So let's get to it. Show the world our message!

The Daltroit Flenguins (Your Obligatory Conference Finals Preview)

ART.com

Well, here we are. It's conference finals time yet again and we're only a hop, skip and an overtime winner away from a trip to the Finals. It feels so good and yet so wrong since this means we're so close to the end of hockey season. Of course, for a few of us, hockey season has already ended. But no matter, watching teams you dislike and/or couldn't care less about is still better than no hockey. And we all know how horrible no hockey is.

Anyway, the following is your obligatory preview of the conference finals and, to be honest, take it with a laugh and a grain of salt. 'A laugh' for when I say things like "Mike Modano's abs will kill you if you stare directly into them" and 'a grain of salt' because I went 1-for-4 in predicting the semifinal round. Hey, it's just truth in advertising baby.

So here we go. It's the final four. Two will go home while two move on and eat each other's young. Or not.

(2) Pittsburgh Penguins vs. (6) Philadelphia Flyers

What you need to know:

• If you live outside of Pennsylvania, skip to the next section.
• There are really only two websites you need to know about for this matchup: the700level.com (Philly) and thepensblog (duh).
  
• Can Danny Briere get some love? He's got 14 points in 12 games so far.
• Can't wait to see what Feeny has in store for us this round. Remember Feeny, if you're reading this, "Messier Sucks."
• Emo Wall is still mad and may try and take our Sid's knee. Careful.

In a nutshell:
Look. You got me. I didn't think the Flyers were any good. I didn't think they would make it out of the first round much less get to this point. Kudos to them cause they did and are going to be a challenge for the Pens. Philly won the season series 5-3 and the teams didn't go to overtime once (they like to get home on time, you see). I have no idea what to expect out of this one except that it should be a bloodbath. No, no and no I am NOT trashing on the Flyers here. These two teams are rivals both have their goons and I expect this to get out of hand at some point. It's a heated rivalry that should only get more heated given that they are both only a step from the Finals.

The call:
Seriously, the Penguins are a scary bunch. Their series against the Rangers was closer than it appeared, but they are still 8-1 in the postseason. I'm also sick and tired of picking up against Philly. They've beat me twice in a row. The Pens are hot right now and I think they have the sheer talent. They also still have Marc Andre Fleury in goal. Yikes. This is a real tough pick. I'm going to take the Pens in seven, but now that I picked against them the Flyers will probably win.

Oh and did I mention that both these teams play in the Atlanta division? Best division in the East, hands down (represent!).

(1) Detroit Red Wings vs. (5) Dallas Stars

What you need to know:

• Since 1997 the Wings have advanced to the Conference Finals four times. They won the series three times.
• Johan Franzen is absolutely out of his mind right now -- 27 goals in 72 regular season games and he has 11 in the playoffs so far in only 10 games. Wow.
• Pretty sure no one picked Dallas to get this far and yet they stunned the world in the last two rounds.
• Brad Richards has only two playoff goals so far, but to be fair, he's got 11 points.
• The over/under on how many times blogs and the booth announcers make it a point to point out Chelios' age is set at 750 (not including this sentence).
  

In a nutshell:
We're looking at a very similar series here to the one we've got in the East. We've got a solid team, although I think the Wings are on a whole other level above the Pens, against one that mostly people wrote off a while ago. I don't know about you, but after their horrific March, I wrote off the Stars. I know that's pretty much all I've been writing about them for some time now and you're probably sick and tired of it. But yes, it's a similar matchup. The Stars shutdown the Sharks for most of their series and a lot of it is thanks to Marty "I'm finally going to play as well as everyone knows I can" Turco. Turco's got a .929 save percentage and 1.73 GAA in the playoffs so far. Sick.

The call:
I almost have to pick against the Stars here. They eliminated JR. That's a cardinal sin around these parts. But alas, I have to try to be impartial. I'm taking the Wings here because they have really impressed me, especially in their destruction of Colorado (although I do understand that Colorado was hurt and playing a with a crappy 'tender). But, well, it's also the same old song and dance as the East. I've picked against the Stars and have been riding them yet they continue to go against everything I say. I'm taking Detroit in seven, but this should be a heck of a series.

Feeny Update: Probably Not Him, But That Guy Sure Knows How to Get Attention

Turns out I wasn't the only person in the world that likes Principal Feeny from Boy Meets World. That post last week got a pretty big response and thanks to my Mom as well as diligent commenters, I now know that he was the voice of the car in Knight Rider (old enough to remember that show) and in the play/movie 1776 (not cultured old enough to remember that).

So here's another shot of the Feenster from Yahoo's NHL blog and I think it's pretty safe to say that it's not him.

That definitely just looks like some old guy with a sign. I'm pretty sure it's not Feeny. But, even though he is not Principal Feeny, that does not make him any less of an old guy with a sign. He's still cool in my book. Except for the part about being a Flyers fan. But otherwise, still cool.

And now that we have figured out the mystery, we can move on to more pressing matters. Maybe that guy is out there somewhere reading this post or one of the other ones out there on the internets. Old Guy with a Sign, if you're reading this, get yourself on camera with a sign that says "Messier Sucks." I will be forever grateful. You can, of course, use funnier variations on that phrase. In fact, that would certainly get you some bonus points. So if you're reading this, God speed and you can do it. The Mullet believes in you.

Oh, and one more thing before I forget. Some people have been asking where Topanga (Danielle Fishel) from Boy Meets World is. Today, we reveal the mystery.

Turns out she's a Nutrisystem spokesperson (isn't everyone these days?) and... in funnier news... might have turned Lance Bass gay.

An Embarrassment to the MSM

AP Photo/Gene J. Puskar

Today, I am going to write another chapter in the war between the MSM and bloggers. And yes, we can call it a war (of words). It's at that point.

Now we've all seen the articles. MSM journalists blogger-bashing and calling us all losers who are typing in our underwear from somewhere in the depths of our parent's basement. Or that we're no talent hacks that should stick to being fans. That's all well and good by me. This is America and people are entitled to their opinions. And you know what, to a certain extent they're right. There are a lot of bloggers that are fans first (and they make no bones about it) and like anything else in life, there are bloggers in the minority that don't represent the majority. I think you get the point.

But what really bugs me is hypocrisy.

When the MSM preaches about how they've gone to J-school and are so much more important because of it, that's fine. When the MSM calls bloggers no talent hacks that reek of fan bias, that's fine. There's one problem with all that, though. You see, when you say those things, boy you had better back them up. Or maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this is just a case of someone in the minority not representing the upstanding majority. Tell me if I wrong because, unlike many newspapers, BMR has a comments section after every article. Oh, excuse me, post. But majority, minority, whatever. If the MSM's rules are to single out one person and make them a poster child for the whole, then I think I should be allowed to play by those rules as well.

So today, we examine Mr. Don Brennan of the Ottawa Sun. Why? Lately, with the hometown Sens facing the Pens in the playoffs, he has sounded more like a Senators fanboy or a crazed message boarder than an actual journalist.

Back on Tuesday, Mr. Brennan proposed -- and I kid you not -- that the Sens should go after Sidney Crosby and his injured right ankle. No, really. We've all seen the clips. Philadelphia unleashed a corps of goons on the NHL this year. Chris Pronger had a number of questionable elbows last spring. Then, of course, you can get into the McSorely and Bertuzzi debates. There have been a lot of plays in recent memory that led to serious injury and whether or not they were premeditated can be debated endlessly (or taken to court). For a journalist to not only endorse this behavior but to also ask for it? Is this some sort of sick joke? I sure hope it is.

The very banging and battering the Penguins wanted to avoid from the Flyers can serve as an equalizer in this series for the undermanned Senators. They just need to bring it. Schubert, Chris Neil, Martin Lapointe, Cody Bass, Shean Donovan, Mike Commodore and Anton Volchenkov will be key players for Ottawa.

...

Crosby's got a bad RIGHT ankle? How will it stand up to a two-hander? The Senators have to find out.

The Penguins obviously wanted Ottawa over the Broadstreet Bullies. The defending Eastern Conference champs should feel a great sense of disrespect. They should be insulted -- even more so than in being referred to as purse swingers -- and they should respond in kind.

As much as they will be looking for timely goaltending and scoring, the Senators need somebody to emerge as a modern-day Bobby Clarke. Maybe hockey historian Jason Spezza can explain to his teammates what the former Flyers captain did to Russian star Valeri Kharlamov when the latter had a bad ankle in the 1972 Summit Series.

It's playoff time. Anything goes.

Kharlamov, the USSR's star in that '72 Summit Series, took a slash to the ankle from Clarke and was unable to play in the final game of the series, which Canada won. Clarke, for what it's worth, was ordered by coach John Ferguson to take out Kharlamov's ankle. Clearly an upstanding example to follow.

If asking for players to go after an opposing star player's weak spot isn't the biggest case of homerism/being a fanboy/crazed message boarder -- whatever you want to call it -- then I don't know what to say. We all hear the rumors that this coached ordered his player to do this, and that team has a hit out on this guy, but to actually ask for and encourage this type of behavior is shameful. Especially from someone in a privileged position.

We all know the NHL is a violent sport. There is fighting. Injuries do occur. One thing the NHL is not is a sport where those sitting on the sidelines cry for blood. And this isn't even of a case of someone wanting to see a good fight. This is a case of someone wanting to see an opposing player injured. Look, I don't like Mark Messier. I don't like the Rangers. I've never hoped that any of them would get their jaw broken by a Chris Simon cheap shot. And for the record, I've never endorsed Chris Simon's on ice actions. They're despicable.

And if I need anyone to back me up on this, I can simply turn to another MSM outlet. ESPN actually took notice of Brennan's article, making it a topic of conversation on it's television show Around the Horn earlier this week. Yes ESPN, the American network that only pays attention to hockey when there's a big brawl or cheapshot, took notice of something a Canadian journalist had written. I couldn't believe it either. If you want to hear the podcast of it, click here and then skip ahead to the 14:00 mark of the 4/9 Episode of Around the Horn. Not surprisingly, even the journalists at ATH thought the column was a disgrace. The always divisive Mr. Jay Mariotti even said Mr. Brennan sounds like "a fan up in the stands." If the hockey novices at ESPN have a problem with it, then I rest my case.

At least I thought that's where I could rest my case. Thanks to Mr. Brennan, I've got a few more closing arguments. Mr. Brennan did us all a favor today, allowing us to dismiss him completely, with a response to his previously mentioned column. In his article summarizing Game One between the Sens and Pens last night, he put the icing on the cake, making himself look like a bully on an ego trip, all the while hiding up in the press box so he doesn't have to answer to Mr. Georges Laraque.

Seem to have created quite a media uproar with my win-at-all-costs way of thinking and suggestions that the Senators test Sidney Crosby's previously injured ankle by giving it a good whack, eh. We'll spare you details and instead focus on those we are all actually here to cover. Like 6-foot-3, 245-lb. Penguins enforcer Laraque, whom last week we heard Wild tough guy Derek Boogaard refer to as "freakishly strong." Big Georges, who was quoted as calling yours truly "stupid," had this gem yesterday when asked about Senators targeting Crosby's tender joint. "I thought Slapshot was a movie, not reality." And who didn't like that classic?

Spare us the details? Sounds to me like Mr. Brennan doesn't want to defend himself and his words. But that's OK, we don't need any explanation. Like Slapshot, he's one big joke.

Your Ultra Super Mega Gigantic Playoff Preview In Store Spectacular

Lil Jon Online

Here is it. It's time to take a look at these 16 teams who will, in a few hours, be fighting tooth and nail to keep their seasons alive. We've got some ballin' matchups. We've got some that will be over before they start. But most of all, we've got what we came here for in the first place -- playoff hockey. 82 games are out the window. The quickest to 16 gets an all expense paid summer vacation with Lord Stanley. Everyone else gets some tee times.

So who's moving on? Who's gonna get some? Why on earth is Carson Daly still on TV? LETS GET TO IT!!!

First up is the east, cause that's how things roll around here. Gotta represent the east side homie.

(1) Montreal Canadiens vs. (8) Boston Bruins

What you need to know:

• Montreal has the best power play in the league.
• The Bruins have the 28th best PK in the league.
• This series will be over before it starts.
• Give it about two weeks for Carey Price to fold like something that folds really well.
• OK seriously, the Habs are one of the scarier teams in the East right now.

Stealing content:
Here's what I said about this series over at Pensblog in an epic SC preview post.

Montreal vs. Boston - I'm not sure that even Habs fans believe it yet, but they're the top dogs in the East. Against all reasonable logic and probabilities, they did it. Maybe they'll be this year's Canadian choke job. You know what I mean. The fourth Canadian team in a row to choke out in the Finals. But in all seriousness, do we even have to play this series? Give the Habs a bye.

In a nutshell:
Again, can we give Montreal a bye here? The Bruins offense is horrible, the Habs offense is outstanding and if they play any defense this series will be over by Friday.

The call:
Habs in four. Ballsy, I know. Suck it Boston. Not all your teams are good. And screw "Sweet Caroline," too.

(2) Pittsburgh Penguins vs. (7) Ottawa Senators

What you need to know:

• The Sens are bad right now.
  
• They still are good on paper.
• Don Cherry is picking Ottawa.
  
• Martin Gerber is the man you want on your bench when it comes to winning Cups. He's been to three of the last four finals and backed up all of them, taking home two rings in the process.
  
• In Canada that's pronounced pro-cess.
• Ottawa doesn't have as much of a chance as everyone around Canada says they do.
• Any team hoping to have Conklin/Fleury carry them through the post season is a joke.
• I'm a bitter Islander fan.
  

In a nutshell:
Jesus Christos! Are the Sens really a seven seed? How the mighty have fallen. I'm beginning to think Bryan Murray's rant is actually an attempt at lightning a fire under his dormant team. But there's no way in hell the Sens put up any semblance of an effort. Maybe they will for 20 minutes a few times, but that's about it. They're arguably the worst team in the East right now, including all those that are golfing (OK, maybe not Atlanta and Tampa Bay). I can't argue with the Titanic that has become the defending conference champs. Too bad for Danny Alfredsson he didn't jump off before it hit the iceberg known as Mark Bell.

The call:
Pens in five. I think the Sens wake up for one of the games at Scotiabank. That's about it. They're D-O-N-E.

(3) Washington Capitals vs. (6) Philadelphia Flyers

What you need to know:

• The Flyers have goons. Lots of them.
• Washington is the hottest team in the conference right now. And no, not in that way.
• Look for the Flyers to play dirty. What do they lose if Cote or some other idiot gets suspended again? Nothing.
• Cristobal Huet = trade deadline steal of the decade.
• Where's the beef?

In a nutshell:
The first round in the east is full of lopsided matchups no matter how close these teams may have been during the regular season. This series is another case of a freight train running into a one-legged cat. The Flyers are only in because the Sabres (and about 3/4 of the conference) sucked big time down the stretch. No question, the Caps take this one. I put the over/under for Ovechkin goals at 5,000,000.

The call:
Out of mercy, I'll give the Flyers one. Caps win in five.

(4) New Jersey Devils vs. (5) New York Rangers

What you need to know:

• The Rangers are overpaid and don't care. If you watch enough games, you'll see that's why they're inconsistent.
• This is going to be a battle of keepers. Who wants to put the team on their back?
• I hope Sean Avery and Marty Brodeur get in a fight. Now that is must see TV.
• The Rangers took the season series 7-0-1. SEVEN ZERO AND ONE! Nice spread.

In a nutshell:
These aren't the Devils you think you know. You know what they did last postseason. They miss Scott Gomez and Bryan Rafalski. The Rangers are better than they have been in years, now if only they would played like they mean it, they might get somewhere. Ah who the hell cares, I hate them both. They can all go to hell. Especially Messier.

The call:
It's the Devils in the playoffs. That's almost impossible to pick against as long as Brodeur is on this team. By virtue of the Rangers curbstomping them all regular season long, I'm going to have to go against my earlier pick and take the Rangers. Rangers in six.

And now, onto the conference that is irrelevant yet somehow still has first round match ups that are way, way more interesting than anything in the East.

(1) Detroit Red Wings vs. (8) Nashville Predators.

Detroit in four. Moving on...

(2) San Jose Sharks vs. (7) Calgary Flames

What you need to know:

• I wish I could go back up to the Red Mile for this one.
• San Jose still has JR. Never bet against JR... Unless he tells you he's going to retire.
• It's 4 AM and I really want to go to bed.
• Speaking of bed, how many girls have seen JR's this week?
• Jarome Iginla sounds like the name of a sci-fi character.

In a nutshell:
The Flames are pretty much outmatched here. They're not going to go quietly into the night though. What they need to do in order to win this series is bring up Eric Nystrom and have him dance around during San Jose's pre-game skate. With enough luck, he'll lull them into a false sense that all the Flames are pansies and it's going to be an easy series. The next thing Joey Crabcakes knows, it's game six and him and JR are down 6-2.

The call:
Sharks in six. JR 452.

(3) Minnesota Wild vs. (6) Colorado Avalanche

My God. It happened.

Paul Stastny.

The Minnesota Wild.

This series is going to be nothing short of epic. It's going to be a battle. It's going to involve the fate of the universe in some way, but I didn't need to tell you that. The winner, if they survive, will likely go onto win the Cup. I picked San Jose, but this is some tough logic to argue against right here.

Sanity, if only for a moment:
Now here is one hell of a series. Two teams that are pretty evenly matched and are divisional rivals that were separated by only three points during the regular season. This one, along with the one that follows, are probably going to be the two best first round match ups. It's hard to pick a winner here. Backstrom's young and I can't see him or Jose Theodore withstanding any pressure and even if Theordore does, Chris Simon will knock his head off FTW.

The call:
This series goes the distance and Colorado wins in a bloodbath. More on that tomorrow.

(4) Anaheim Ducks vs. (5) Dallas Stars

What you need to know:

• Not a series I am qualified to talk about. I don't know jack about either of these teams.
• I do know that Brad Richards is a Star, so I've got something.
• The Stars were atrocious down the stretch. Worse than the Senators, if you can believe that is actually possible.

In a nutshell:
On paper or any other time of the year, this is a series that would be destined to go the distance. The problem is that right now, the Stars blow. And boy do they blow hard. They went 2-for-March. That's right, they were 2-7-2 in March. Anaheim, on the other hand, has been tearing through teams since Niedermayer and Selanne decided to get off their asses and, how to do you say it, be team players.

The call:
I'm feeling generous. These teams are just too good to not give us a good series. Ducks in seven. There's no way this series goes seven. But I said it anyway.

Now I'm tired. It's way too late. There's probably about 7,000 typos in this thing but hopefully you enjoyed it. See if you can collect 'em all. (offer only valid with $5.95 and 70 UPCs)